Ask a Pervert

Some of you may remember from the RMMB that my wife tntNikki and I did an 'Ask a Pervert' thread - where we answered all questions about what it's like to be involved in the BDSM/alternate sexuality scenes.

We're currently in the process of re-posting a lot of those questions and answers at <a class="postlink" href="http://askapervert.blogspot.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://askapervert.blogspot.com/</a> now that the RMMB is gone; and posting some new material that's been asked by private message or Email since then. But we always kind of felt like the last thread hadn't really run it's course when it closed at the RMMB and judging from my in box - there's still plenty of people with unasked questions - so I thought we might do it again for the people who missed out last time (some of it was up in a poorly edited format at my blog - but we decided that it wasn't fair to claim that content as 'mine' when Nikki was at least as heavily involved as I was in answering questions).

As a short synopsis, I'm 28, bisexual and I've been sexually weird since I discovered that orgasms were fun. I started reading about BDSM when I was 14 and experimenting with girlfriends when I was 15. I started going to public fetish events with fake ID when I was 17. I've been pretty much constantly involved ever since. I have Aspergers syndrome and a history of heavy substance abuse that for some reason also always seems to come up. I was a swinger for a while as well as a pervert.

Nikki is a few years older then me, also bisexual and has also been into kink for a long time. She can post her own little introduction if she wants to - but suffice to say she also knows what she's talking about and is an interesting person. She is a woman in the scene and a switch - which is to say she likes both being in control and not being in control, doing things to other people and having things done to her, depending on the situation. I'm a guy and a Dominant Top - which means I like being in control and doing things to other people - and not the reverse. So she adds a lot of perspective to these conversations that I can't.

We have both run workshops and taught new people the skills and safety stuff for kink stuff publicly and privately and we have both been Dungeon Monitors (the perverts that make sure other perverts aren't doing stupidly dangerous stuff at public parties) at fairly large public events. We have been married for about 5 years, but we aren't monogamous; We're also not swingers and we don't go out and swap partners with other couples or anything like that (although we both have done things in that vein in past relationships). We have some other people involved in our lives to varying degrees from friends to pets to people we keep around because we adore them and they let us hit them with stuff. We live in Queensland Australia, but Nikki is Canadian and we've both traveled fairly extensively.

Almost any question you have about unconventional sexualities or unconventional sexual practices - we can answer, even if it's not our thing in particular. Ask away.

 

As far as "strange" things people do sexually, are there some things that make you say "what the fuck?"
Can you give some funny examples if so?

 

I fucked my 4th cousin once. I was in town for my grandfather's funeral and didn't know her. We didn't join the dots until the post coital pillow talk. That wasn't intentionally perverted though.

On Saturday, I'm planning to get both nipples pierced, a 4-6 bar Jacobs Ladder piercing, a labret piercing and the Gene Simmons esque oral frenumectomy where the 'frenum' that connects my tongue to the floor of my mouth is partly severed so I can stick my tongue further out. That's more stupid then perverted really. But I've wanted all of the above for a while and a friendly body modifier has agreed to do them all while I'm blasted on pain killers in a single sitting, so that I only have to go through one after care regime.

I had the first cut for my oral frenumectomy done by the same modifier while getting a blow job from my wife and being watched by the modifier's husband.

As a swinger I was involved in orgies. I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I was bisexual until 18 months/2 years ago - so that still feels pretty fucking perverted to me.

I've had a long running relationship with a woman who referred to me as daddy. I've had a number of partners who age regressed for sexual gratification and enjoyed acting the part of a pre-teen who was sexually involved with an older man. All of those women were biologically older then me.

I've beaten someone (with fairly extensive assistance from my wife) until they were welted and bruised from their ankles to their shoulder blades on the back, ankle to hip up both sides, inside and front of their legs and had their genitals, pelvic region and stomach covered in welts, an extensively welted chest and heavily bruised sides.

I've played sexually with setting people on fire. I've been statutorily raped by a woman who I had tied up at the time. I've had sex with people who were more then 35 years older then me. I've cut people, branded people, used a suction pump to pull blood out of people, stuck needles into people. I don't really like blood - but burning people smell delicious during brandings.

I've beaten people who were receiving oral sex. I've received oral sex from people who were being beaten. I've had sex with someone while beating them. I've choked someone out as foreplay. I've used recreational drugs, and a pretty fucking wide variety of them, as part of foreplay. I'm currently in a relationship with my wife where we have a submissive 'puppy' who we keep as a pet, a submissive house boy who we love to pieces and we currently have 2 girls who are both interested in being our little girls in a bratty princess by day, slut by night kind of deal where they act the role of being much younger then they actually are. We're still working through seeing if either of them will work out with our family dynamic. I've kicked the crap out of a woman's vagina (and pretty much every other part of her) about 6 hours after meeting her while her boyfriend watched and participated and while my wife held her head. I've beaten strangers and the occasional family friend or coworkers with a variety of leather adult products very shortly after the first evidence encountered that that person had a sexuality of any kind.

We own a variety of electrical toys that give controlled electrical shocks to people and we use them sexually on a regular basis. I've held someone's head down while deep throating while she threw up and continued to throat fuck her because we both thought it was awesome. I've participated in staged rape and abduction fantasies. I've been paid for my participation in scenes. I've run websites and written libraries worth of shit about BDSM on the intarwebs and spoken about kink in public.

I've found out that my dad, who I knew was gay - was also into kink and shares my fetishes and kinks almost identically. We've discussed the fact that his preference for men and only men and my preference for women and sometimes men is the only real difference in our taste in partners. That conversation was all kinds of fucking uncomfortable.

I'd be hard pressed to say what's the most "perverted" thing I've done. I mean it's hard to put a scale next to that shit and say 'choking someone unconscious is WAY more perverted then carving your initials into their ass' - I don't do non humans, I've never done anyone under the legal age of consent and I don't do people under 18 now that I'm over 18 - even if I'm somewhere where it's perfectly legal. I'm not turned on by vomit outside of very specific circumstances. I'm refuse to deliberately engage in sexuality involving feces any more then is absolutely necessary with anal sex. I don't like people playing with my ass under any circumstances.

In terms of what the fuck? There's plenty of stuff. The horse fucking fantasy? Have you ever seen a horses dick? Have you seen Horses fuck? I don't care what you saw in Tijuana or what you've seen on the internet - 99% of that shit would KILL the women involved. Dolcett fetishism - women who are into the idea of being spit roasted alive and then eaten and fucked at various points in the proceedings? Don't get it. Furries? No sense at all to me. I know a guy who likes to pretend that he's a Dinosaur during sex. He's actually a really cool guy. I haven't yet had the nerve to ask him what kind of dinosaur he pretends to be though. I know a guy who has a fetish for ice cream, custard and donuts - and if given a chance will talk for hours about the way you can use heated or chilled, filled donuts for sexual purposes. I've met a guy who wears a rhinocerous horn mounted on a cod piece around all day, every day. To his boring office job. To the shops. On the subway. I heard on the radio that one in 200 nose pickers get's sexual gratification from the act of picking their nose. I know people who are desperate to (and a few who have and enjoyed) fuck a colostomy bag hole. We've had a number of people come to us asking if we'd be willing to castrate them - some of them willing to fly from the states or Europe to Australia for us to castrate them. We've always said no - because that's not really how we want to get in the news - but it's surprisingly common.

I have a friend who brings a giant plush bear along to most fetish parties that she attends. I've seen video of the bear staged to look like he's self animated as he fucks some tied up girl with a strap on. I've personally strapped the bear to a crucifix for a giggle. I've seen people stick their dicks in the bears ears and nostrils. I'm really not sure how many of those people were enjoying the experience just a little too much.

I've seen lots of stuff that puzzles me but that sort of makes sense. Guys with a fetish for hookers. People who only enjoy sex with strangers if there's bodily fluids exchanged in an unsafe way. People who want to be 'Bred' (knocked up by a stranger or some random black guy) - or guys who want their wives 'Bred' by a random black stranger. Guys who want to watch their wife get fucked by a guy with a bigger dick then theirs and then not get off. That stuff all gets a 'Wtf?' from me on one level - but intellectually, I get where it comes from. Hell I'm still a little perplexed that people get off on me hitting them until they cry. I just really like that they do. But I fucking HATE crying. I can't imagine why you'd not only volunteer, but enjoy having someone make you cry. But I like it when people cry while I'm hitting them - so I put aside my confusion and enjoy the awesome.

 

What are your limits with perversion? Your wife's? If you ever have kids, will you ever let them know about this part of your life? Does anyone in your family know?

edit: some of this is redundant, i know

 

Did you get a lot of poseurs as a Dungeon Monitor, or people who didn't fit the bill and just showed up to fuck with people? I once met a guy that went out of his way to undermine the sexual gratification of others just for shits and giggles. I'm wondering if this kind of shit is commonplace?

 

Things that can't consent, anyone under 18, feces for the sake of sexual gratification are all offline. I don't anticipate ever having kids. I don't like children and I think I'd be a bad parent. Fuck shaking the baby. I'd throw that fucker at a wall. Lots of people tell me that it's different when it's your kid. I don't believe that teething tears, shit filled pants or getting knocked up at 14 would work any better with my OCD neurosis or my self absorbed nature. I think it's creepy when people share their sexuality with their kids beyond the 'unavoidable and accidental minimum' - sure, educate your kids about sex, but not about your fucking sex life. An acquaintance told us that their 15 year old daughter has a huge crush on our 20 year old submissive, who she's never fucking met. When pressed, they told us that said daughter had access to a BDSM personals site to read shit their and they'd told her that they knew the guy she was obsessing over and filled her in on what he was into. I'm still wondering if I should call fucking child services.

Also - my dad is into kink. I go out of my way to not read his fucking profiles and to make sure we don't ever see each other naked or playing. I can't imagine why anyone would want to know that shit around their parents. I try as hard as I can to repress what I found out about my dad when I was in my 20's.

That said, my parents and a few other close relatives know. It chews up too much of my life for people to be genuinely close to me and not know.

Sure - there are plenty of wankers in the scene who claim experience they don't have or who showboat and power trip because they promote an event - like any club promoter with delusions of grandeur. I feel like an arrogant douche sometimes for presuming to act as a dungeon monitor because I'm a relatively young guy and I know people who are much, much more knowledgeable and experienced then me. But there are plenty of people who swing the opposite direction and take a tiny amount of knowledge and experience, put it under a giant mental magnifying glass and tell everyone lies about how awesome they are and think that the respect they get from those lies is deserved and appropriate.

There are certainly sociopaths who use BDSM as a channel to control the way they outlet their problems - people who'd be all kinds of fucked up if they didn't have some kind of safe, consensual outlet for what they want. And any group of people has tools who just like making other people feel like shit. It's not any more common place then elsewhere - but it can manifest in different ways because of the power dynamic and the unusual context of interactions.

 

Thought of more.....
Did you just kind of stumble into this life, or did you seek it out? Was there someone older and more experienced who kind of showed you the ropes? Or was it more of a sink or swim thing? How hard was it to find someone you could have a stable relationship with, knowing the kinds of things you are into?

 

What do you make of the people who take the body modifcation to a whole new level?

The two specific examples i can think of is the tiger guy,

http://www.stalkingcat.net/

and there is a lizard guy also.

http://thelizardman.com/bodmod/

 

I'm sorry, but if there's any way you can elaborate on this, I'd really appreciate it.

Is this a desire by submissives that want to permanantly emasculate themselves? Obviously there is a chemical way to do this, so is the actual act of castration something these people desire to experience? After castration did they want to stay as your house pets, or were they already in that role with someone else and just wanted to finalize it?

As a fairly normal sex loving guy, I like my balls just where they are. I'm trying to wrap my head around this, and I guess I can see where the motivation would come from, but any elucidation you could give me would be great.

 

Well, sort of stumbled. My first orgasm was from a blow job was in front of a fair sized crowd of older kids. I didn't understand the power of vodka on horny teenage girls and assumed she was joking when she offered. I got an undeserved reputation of awesomeness from that event and ended up with a lot of opportunity to experiment. I also had the internet before most kids - so I found out about BDSM pretty early. But even before I knew the words - I had held my girlfriend's hands down during sex and played with tying her up with a belt.

Kind of hard to relate to it really. I mean it's not my thing and it's not something I'm into. I like some mild mods for aesthetics and I like mods for sexual purposes. But the whole cat girl/lizard man thing? Meh. That said, my wife would kill to have a prehensile tail. She makes a good argument. I could see the perks.

For some guys it's the humiliation, sometimes it's the ultimate taboo. Sometimes it's self loathing or gender issues. Sometimes it's a fantasy about the whole eunuch/harem dynamic from arabic history. Sometimes it's a fictional imagining of what the eunuch/harem dynamic was actually like. There's a whole raft of issues that lead into it. I knew a guy with HIV who was incredibly homophobic and had a lot of trouble finding Poz women to hook up with, but had problems controlling his libido - he just wanted to lose the desire to have sex. Why he wanted it done by some chick who would call him a dirty fagot while it was done is another story though.

The raft of psychological issues that can lead someone to the point that they want to have their balls removed are pretty staggering. There's almost always some kind of psychological pathology behind it in my direct experience. I know some guys who are pretty well adjusted despite having that sort of fantasy - but those sort of people are still usually pretty fucked up if you dig far enough.

 

When Nikki is dominating someone and causing them extreme pain, I remember her saying that she gets mad giggles. Is that "normal" (I hate using that word) for that type of scene, or is that just her? I think I would be terrified if I was being flogged and then I heard a happy giggle from the flogger.

Do you have any medical training? I imagine that with the repeated choking, whipping, burning, and kicking there has to be some dangerous and long-term health risks.

If someone expressed an interest in your lifestyle, how would you advise them to go about dipping their toes into the water?



By the way, this was one of my favorite threads on the old board. Thanks for bringing it back!

 

Since some of this play could be considered dangerous, what kind of "WHOOPS" moments have you had/seen where someone got hurt the wrong way, too much, or some other unintentional accident? Have you seen someone get hospitalized?

What's the strangest object you've seen someone penetrated with?

What do you do for a living? I'm in a giggle fit thinking you're a kindergarten teacher or an ice cream man.

 

No, it's not typical. Nikki is just that awesome. And many people have commented that it's far more frightening to be tortured by someone who's giggling.

My dad and grandmother were both nurses who were big on educating me about first aid stuff, and I have lapsed first aid qualifications. I've also worked as a geek in hospitals. So I have a little training. I also read a lot and know a great deal about the sorts of things that we do. I've also had the safety training from martial arts where we did grappling styles including choke outs and got a lot of safety information about striking safely. I've also been lucky enough to have worked a bunch of jobs where I got safety training. So I've had fairly high level supervision when I learned to do a lot of things safely. I know a few doctors in the scene and several paramedics and nursers who I go out of my way to talk to about shit. Exchanging safety information is a big part of the many hours perverts spend on line talking about kink.

I've recently been swapping emails with a guy who's doing a lot of pioneering stuff with liquid nitrogen based freeze branding on humans because it sounds pretty interesting. It's the sort of thing that I'll experiment on myself with first and then do some things with people who are into that kind of edgy, risky play and talk to my friends who are knowledgeable about handling cryogenic material for their day jobs and managing the burns. A reasonable number of my friends are body modification artists so exchanging the safety and technique stuff is a pretty common thing to talk about over beers at a party.

We teach workshops for newbies about where you can and can't hit someone safely and how to judge impact force and how to warm people up so they don't end up damaged more then you intended/agreed to do.

We generally recommend that they come along to a public night with us. There are a few club nights in the area we live in that are pretty mellow for toe dipping. If it was someone who didn't live near us - we'd point them at <a class="postlink" href="http://www.fetlife.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.fetlife.com</a> - almost every decent sized city has a local public group and there's a common event type called a 'munch' - a social event where a bunch of perverts, some new and some experienced meet in a public place like an IHOP or a coffee shop and chat about kink stuff. It's a good way to make a few friends so you have someone friendly to hang around when you go to an event where some actual play happens. we met 3 or 4 new people on Saturday who had gone to a munch and met friends of ours and then got introduced around at the next party.

If it was somebody who didn't want to go out to a public event, I'd talk to them about what they were into or interested in and tailor some suggestions about the beginners guide to not killing someone during kinky sex.

I've seen fireplay go wrong and see a really, really experienced fire player accidentally set his arm, the back of the girl he was playing with and the nearby carpet on fire. All ended fairly safely and with no real harm done. But it was a big whoops moment. I've made people bleed by accident from hitting them too hard and found out about old injuries when someone has gone into a screaming fit of pain for no apparent reason. A girl I was dating once tried to snap me with a towel and got clumsy and hit herself in the clit. I have hit myself in the dick while practicing with a stock whip naked (not the best plan). People miss all the time when they hit people - but part of the safety education stuff that happens is about how to hit people so that harm is minimized if something goes wrong and how to avoid the spots where something really bad might happen if you miss.

Strangest object? I know people who've shaken hands inside a guy's ass. I've seen wine bottles. I've seen dildo's moulded from dog's cocks. Inserting weird stuff isn't really a hobby of mine though. All the typical things girls used as improvised masturbation aids get used - but mostly people can afford to just buy conventional dildos and etc.

I'm computer geek - but I work at schools sometimes doing their IT stuff and have the 'certified safe to work with kids' card that they issue here for work with children. I do know school teachers and child care professionals who are in the scene though. It's not really a weird thing. The kids that people work with aren't involved in the kinky shit they do at home or on the weekend.

 

Kind of going along the same lines as how does a beginner get started? How often do you get a person who thinks that they would be interested because they like a firm smack on the ass now and then, attend one of the meet and greets, discuss what they think they would like, and then freak out during the actual act and never return to the scene. Are there a lot of people who are curious and a little intrigued by the idea behind it, but can't stomach the actual practice? How do you initiate people into it in a "gentle" way so as not to push their limits so early and send them running for the door?

 

How come your wife hasn't posted on the boobie/booty threads yet?

 

Thank you for doing this again, guys.

What stereotypes or preconceptions about kink do you/have you often come across in the common public and how do they relate to reality?

How would you bullet point "important things to remember", when it comes to unconventional sex?

 

Regarding the "age regression" thing; how much of that, if any, is related to sexual abuse in the past? I've heard stuff on Loveline etc that if women have child-like voices, they could have been abused (correct me if I'm wrong). I also remember Savage Henry speaking about this.