Something tells me I'm definitely not on Santa's good list this year. I can justify it all I want but to be honest, I've been a bit of a bastard this year. - I had a threesome with 2 girls, one of which was a friends recent ex girlfriend. In my defence I was pretty drunk so turning down a threesome was literally impossible. Things between me and the guy I fucked over are alright now. Owned up to it and since he was guilty of doing the same thing with another friends ex (which also created a divide in that circle of friends) he couldn't get too angry with me as it would be very hypocritical. - Since I don't learn from my mistakes I had an affair, which then turned into a relationship with a girl who had a boyfriend. To be fair it was a long distance thing and she had cheated on him before and was going to break up with him, It's weird how it all came about, I knew her from her coming to my club and on the night before my birthday I got random text off her when she finished work and ended up getting a bottle of rum and driving to the beach to get slaughtered. Getting an unexpected blow job in the first hours of your birthday has got to be one of the best ways to celebrate my 24th year. She eventually left her boyfriend and we started seeing each other till she went to uni - and just to finish it off during the time I was seeing her I did cheat on her a couple of times, admittedly both times it went no further than kissing. We were in a casual relationship however and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if she had cheated on me too. Once again, two wrongs do not make a right. Honestly, I really am ashamed that I've done that many bad things I've done this year; I just have a habit of getting drunk and completely disregarding the consequences of my actions. yeah, safe to say I'm not going to be winning 'friend of the year' award
I think my worst deed happened on valentines day this year. Since I had no significant other to spend it with, I joined all the other single, bitter people in getting excessively drunk while trying to salvage their day by finding random action in a bar. At two in the morning, closing time for the bars, I was extremely drunk and the friends I was hanging with were going to gather at one of these friends' apartment to drink some more. There were 9-10 people there and among them a friend of a friend who I didn't know and seemed to be hitting it off with. However, the additional drinks had put me over the edge and I was talking way too loudly. A nice, albeit slightly chubby woman very calmly asked me to keep my voice down a little bit since we were in an apartment with neighbors and such. I calmly responded "why is there a fat girl telling me what to do?" Immediately I heard a man scream "THAT'S MY FUCKING WIFE." He rushed toward me menacingly. So I did what any real man would do in the situation. Turned around and ran the fuck away. I sprinted down the steps and ran down the streets faster than I have ever run in my life. I ended up vomiting on the street and losing my glasses. And, of course, wrecked any chances with the girl. Put bluntly, for no reason whatsoever I completely ruined a night and possibly a nice woman's self-esteem. Some of my friends knew the guy whose wife I insulted from around town. I asked them if he would be open to an apology but last I heard he wanted to know where I lived so he could kick my ass. They didn't give it to him, but I definitely deserve it. Luckily, I don't celebrate Christmas so no lumps of coal for me.
I did kind of forget about my buddy's bachelor party, where I - got completely separated from the group in the limo for at least half the night - spent around $500, including $xxx to get blown in a strip club. Details are very hazy, but I don't forget such ill-advised decisions. - wandered back into the hotel around 9am, completely oblivious as to how I made it back there - went back out for breakfast and mimosas at Denny's around 10am. Yes Denny's has mimosas, as long as you sneak in your own champagne During football season I also borrowed my buddy's car, drunk, and left a group of out of town friends sitting at the bar on a Sunday afternoon, so I could go obtain some questionable substances with which to keep me awake and aware the remainder of the day. But that's a typical home game weekend.
I'm a door to door salesman, and I convinced a 40 year old married wife (professional masseuse!) that I met while working to sleep with me...she had never cheated before. She basically fell in love with me and told me that she would move out of her house if I wanted. So what do I do? Ignore her and haven't talked to her in a couple months. She still sends me a text every now and then. Oh, and on a company cruise to Mexico I paid to fuck both a stripper and then a masseuse. Definitely stay away from the strippers and just go with the massage parlors if you are going to do it. Not much like seeing 14 hot girls come out in amazing school girl outfits and getting to pick who you want. Great deal too, 70$ for 30 minute massage and full service.
The best I've done is falsify some time cards at work to give myself more money, not report days off on my time cards so as to not lose Paid Time Off hours, and take two hour lunches rather than the allowed one hour. I've been really bad in my life about hitting on married/taken women, but this past year I've tried to keep that to a minimum. Karma is definitely a bitch, but I see no bad karma coming from stealing from a company that does so much to rob the American people every day. Oh, and I did call the guy who inspected my condo before I bought it to tell him off for all the water damage he miraculously missed, but he had that coming.
I suppose he should just thank his guardian angel that you didn't violate him with a hairbrush. Focus: Honestly, I really haven't had time to be bad this semester between starting my thesis and applying for doctoral programs. Besides the occasional bout of passive-aggressive bullshit revenge taken against my roommate which nobody wants to hear about, I've done jackshit.
I'm a pretty good guy. I mess with people all the time though. Give them shit about something they say or do, mess with their phone or iPod if they leave it unattended. That's me and my friends being ourselves, it's nothing coal worthy though. The thing that puts me on the naughty list is the fact that I don't give a shit about that little ring on your left hand. If you really loved that guy and not me....we wouldn't be in this situation.
It has been quite the interesting year. -fucked a married chick, which also happened to be my best friend's ex -tag-teamed a chick on my friend's bed -lesser sins: some coke, skinny dipping, streaking, going to Vegas In comparison to previous years I was pretty well behaved I think.
Given the amount of people who are admitting to enabling adulterous women, not to mention having sex with girls who are just in relationships, no wonder we think women are whores.
I accidentally: - broke my nephew's ipod. - broke my cousin's cell phone. - got drunk with half a hockey team and participated in unusual activities. Please forgive me Santa.
Two questions: Did these activities involve them sticking their dicks in you? And was it unusual because the whole hockey team wasn't there?
I was on shrooms last weekend and I ended up believing that the police officers on the scene were trying to rob/kidnap/rape/kill me. It's a long story so I'll just highlight what happened below: -Kicked several police officers -Bit a security guard -Had an officer tell the EMT's that I 'played possum'. I haven't received the police report yet, but I'm under the assumption that I'm in deep shit because I can easily be charged with: -evading arrest. -disturbing the peace. -illegal substances. -assaulting an officer. All I want for Christmas is a citation for public intoxication. My squeaky clean record just got fucked.
Misdeeds: -threw lit matches at children -made fun of retards -gave drugs to recovering addicts -pressured Jews into eating pork -made hair appointments and never showed up -drew penises in kid's books at the library -suscribed to gay porno mags under the names and addresses of catholic prietsts -put vaseline on the bottom of old people's canes -sneezed under the gaurd at salad bars -infested public sand boxes with fire ants -told very small children where babies came from -participated in a ritualistic blood orgy with Oprah and Dick Cheney while defecating on a stack of bibles I'm still expecting that new Drum Set come Christmas eve.
Re: Your Naughty List Deeds This is not naughty, it is a great and noble thing you did. I hate that stupid Adam sandler voice so much that it angers me just typing this post. He almost ruined Funny People by doing that stupid voice!!! How can he not see how much funnier he is when he is not doing that ridiculous baby voice?? Anyway sorry about that. It's just Grind deserves an excellent gift for his bravery (maybe the new Tony Hawk "ride" for WI) he does not deserve coal for that act.
Re: Your Naughty List Deeds I heard that movie sucked regardless of that voice. What have I done to get me on the naughty list this year? Let's see: -Got a blowjob in the office of the bar I work at while working on a busy Saturday night. -Didn't tell the girl she had splooge on her cheek afterwards, letting her walk back into the crowd with my jizz on her face. -"Accidentally" stuck it in a few girls' asses. -Stuck my dick near their mouths afterwards, triggering the female instinct that makes a woman put a dick in her mouth when its close by, thus going ATM on a few girls. -Had sex with a girl on the upstairs pool table in the neighboring bar while they were still open. -Fingerblasted far too many patrons of the bar I work at. -Slept with a girl who was applying to the bar I work at, thus making the manager not be able to hire her.
I used a married man for a sugar daddy (of sorts) for a little while this spring. He didn't ever give me money directly but he paid for hotel suites (for me only, he always went home) and lots & lots of sex toys, plus the normal dinners and alcohol. I'm a bad girl. Spank me.
I made good use of an alley way in Dublin. I never found out her name either. Or at least, I didn't remember it if I did.
I was out drinking with some friends a few days ago when one of the girls we were with starting talking with the owner who she knew real well, and he said, after he asked her if she's 'been a good girl' this Christmas, "You know... naughty girls get better presents." Fucking priceless. On the flip side I just got done peeing into a milk carton and pouring it down the sink because I had to drunk-piss so bad I couldn't hold it while my roommates were using both the bathrooms for showers. Sue me, or just give me coal, whichever it is.
The worst thing I did this year was abuse myself a lot. And I don't think that counts. Oh, and that hooker I gutted. No one will miss her anyway...