We're 10 days (depending where on the globe you live) away from Christmas and some of you are probably salivating at the thought of some of the gifts you'll receive. However if Santa was real and in charge of gift distribution would you get the gift you want so badly or would you get a lump of coal? Personally I think I'm well deserving of coal. Focus: What misdeeds have you made this year that would put you on the naughty list?
Re: Your Naughty List Deeds Most of these happened when I was drunk, you'll probably be able to guess which. 1. I was hooking up with a girl when my gum fell out of my mouth and right into her hair. Not at the ends either, in the fucking middle. I didn't mention it to her when I wandered off. 2. Before a show once a (really) shitty comedian was explaining that joke thieving is the worst possible crime imaginable and how he's so sensitive toward that. When I went on stage I started off my bit with one of his (really) shitty jokes and cut myself off saying how horrible and unfunny that bit was and extended my apologies to the crowd. The joke is "In the 70's, in my neighborhood, gays would wear green on Thursdays. What if you're Irish though?" b. A Jewish kid about my age went up before me and did an extended (as in he stayed on for far too long) bit that was all about Roman Polanski and butt-rape in jail. He did that stupid Adam Sandler-Billy Madison voice that is ridiculously annoying for the entire duration of his set. As soon as I went up I just ripped into him, calling him Billy Madison after every joke and interrupting my set to ask what he thinks. He had 12 of his friends with him there too. 3. Told a girl I love her when I really, really didn't. I didn't get any sex from that though so I don't think I'm that fucked by Karma for this one. 4. Used my caustic wit to insult, belittle and mock a lot of people at various parties/events. Now this may seem like I'm trying to be all Tucker Max but honestly, a lot of people do it - I'm not even bragging about it. I'm a skinny fuckhead so 80% of the times my friends would have to back me up or push the other guys away. It's really shitty, I stopped doing it. Kinda. 5. Lied to my teachers to get extensions on essays and assignments. I may have forged doctor's signatures as well. In hindsight this list really really sophomoric, I'm honestly a much more mature person than this.
I'm not much of a story-teller, so bear with me. My ex-girlfriend owed me money. Now, being a fair and patient man, I had given her all the time in the world to pay me back and all I'd been given in return was the run-around. When six months of nagging doesn't get you your cash, you've got to start busting some metaphorical kneecaps. I gave her an ultimatum: You can either go to the bank right now and fix this problem, or I'm going to fix it myself. No, I'm sorry, saying "I'll pay you this Friday" for the 20th time was not the correct answer. Time to take care of business. Today was her new boyfriend's birthday and they had a big, romantic night planned, so I took the opportunity to hook up with her in an empty classroom. Not exactly an impressive feat, considering he was only a random she had picked up to make me jealous, but it was a nice way to remind her that the entire relationship was a fraud. From there I drove to her parent's house, put on my best "worried" face, and told her little sister to have her mom or dad call me as soon as they could. "They're going out tonight for their anniversary dinner, but I will." Yeah, no shit they're going out tonight, they've been planning it for a month. Two hours later I'm tearfully explaining the cause for my worry: their daughter, my dearest friend in the world, has been blowing $600 a week on cocaine. In fact, she even borrowed money from me to buy textbooks and used it on drugs instead!* Cue tears. Oh, and don't bother trying to call the friend's house where she said she'd be tonight, she's busying fucking someone twice her age in a hotel room in New York City. Yes, you should probably call her cell right now. No, it's not enough to ruin just her night. I take the "scorched earth" approach to dealing with this kind of thing; burn down their life and let everyone close to them catch fire. With everything set in motion, I sat back and waited, giddy with anticipation. My phone rings: "I am going to SET YOU ON FIRE." Click. Mission success. Her parents threw her out of the house and she spent the next week alternately surfing couches and sleeping in her car**. In February. In New York. As each day passed, she showed up to class looking slightly more pathetic. I took the opportunity to smile at her and say things like "Man, I bet you wish you hadn't dicked me around for six months, huh?" On the sixth day I let her know that I had just slept with her friend, and boy, she sure had the nicest body I've ever seen. She had a complete breakdown, but with no home to go to, she just sat in the library and cried for four hours. I'd check in now and again to make sure she was still miserable. The next day she went home to drop off her car (it was in her dad's name), only to find me in the living room, heroically begging to let her come home, how I never wanted anything bad to happen to her, and how she just needed some stricter parental control over her life to keep her on track ("A curfew might help!"). They let her move back in and I ended up looking like a saint, trying to help their wretch of a daughter the way I did. When the dust settled and I could talk to her alone, I gave her some advice: "I don't ever want you to forget this: I can take away your life and I can give it back. Do not fuck with me again." And that, my friends, is why I'm on the naughty list this year. * True story. ** She couldn't crash at her boyfriend's place because, at age 34, he was still living with his mom. Ladies, if you're going to try and make a man jealous, find someone better than he is.
You're full of shit. More advanced drug tests (as opposed to the one that just read positive or negative) which can be sent off to a lab for about 65 dollars can detect use of cocaine and the frequency of use/amount in your system. See what happens when you lie? That's all it takes to blow a hole wide open in your story. Remember that for the next internet message board you try to feed this bullshit story to.
I actually have a few misdeeds, but I'm going to tell you about how I know I am getting a new ipod. The man has this "endearing" habit of using and abusing my property. I wouldn't mind except he doesn't ask and often damages things due to carelessness. Lately the item of the moment has been my ipod. I've tried buying him his own yet he flatly refuses to accept it. The ipod I have was gift from my little brother (engraved, even) and so I am reticent to just give him that one and purchase myself a new one. This is incredibly stupid. My ipod went missing last week while in his care. I have been clear about my irritation with him, for losing a gift of mine. He promises he has it, at work. If he "lost" it, he will get me the latest and greatest. I'll be getting a new one under the tree this year. Oh, I have my old one. I found it in my fucking driveway, under the damn tire of my car. I just used it for my run. I am evil.
Not sure where you're going with this. Is this a refutation of my story? If it is, it doesn't make any sense.
I'm not refuting your story, I'll leave that to 'goose. I will say you sound like a colossal asshole and have some serious personal issues. If she dicks you over, be a man and walk away. Let her figure it out.
Yes it is and yes it does. Do you expect anyone to believe that during the course the entire drama not one person suggested a drug test (even THE DAUGHTER)? Is everyone expected to believe that the whole family just took good ol' Mr. ex-boyfriend's word for it? Bullshit.
Like Pimptress I hate people who borrow shit without asking and then abuse the shit out of your stuff without a care in the world. I have lots of mechanics tools at my house and at my storage business. The set I keep at the shop are there for the use of people who want to tinker on their cars and might not have the tools. Generally everyone is very appreciative of these being there and I've never had an issue with things going missing or being put away dirty or in the wrong spot. Except when my buddy Dan borrows them. More than once he's shown up to borrow something that he'll "bring right back" and it ends up staying with him until I bring it back. Earlier this year he was doing some work at his uncles house and asked to borrow some tools. I told him yes but told him that I wanted the stuff back before the end of the weekend. I went into the shop on Saturday afternoon and was surprised to find that my entire top of the tool-chest (3'x2'x3' size) was missing. I called Dan and he said he ended up needing so many tools that he just took the entire chest. I was pissed but told him I needed the chest back by the next day. Of course he didn't bring it back, excusing himself by saying his uncle needed the tools for another day. When the entire weekend had gone by and the tools still weren't back I inquired about their whereabouts. Still at his uncle's and since I needed them I asked for his uncles address. Rutland VT. Approximately 3 fucking hours away and of course Dan was out of town for the next two weeks and his uncle didn't have a car. So I drove out, got them back, and informed Dan that he wasn't allowed to borrow anything, ever. At the end of the summer Dan needed a specific tool again to fix his fiance's car. I relented and told him he could take that solitary item. Little did he know I had booby trapped the chest months ago just in case someone else wanted to grab the whole thing. A nice pan of used dirty oil sitting in the lowest drawer was waiting for anyone absconding with the chest. The pan was filled almost to the rim and the chest has holes on it's floor. Dan took the chest, loaded it into his nice new SUV with cream colored carpets and had a nice surprise when he got home. The best part is the result was exactly what I had envisioned. Success. Sweet evil success.
Unless, as he said at the bottom of the post, what he was telling them was true... Can't think of anything too major (at least not anything that topped the last few years), but I fucked a married woman for the first time this year. I don't feel too bad, but still probably earn a few lumps of coal for that one.
You're telling me that she was a student, yet could afford to do 1/4 ounce of blow a week, and on top of that, nobody noticed until the Ex said something? The story reeks of bullshit.
But even if she did use cocaine, a lab could test the amount of byproducts in her body to determine whether she really did have a 600 dollar habit a week or if she just used at clubs and bars on Saturdays or whatever.
The only thing I can think of that I did that was even remotely horrible was continuing to date a girl only for the sex and the fact that she would wait on me hand and foot. However, considering she enjoyed all those things immensely ("The only thing I want in the world is to make you happy") and the fact that I only did it for about a month makes me feel ok about it. Really, this year I treated myself like utter shit and gave others a lot of credit for the positives I accomplished at work and whatnot. I can't even think of a hookup I had that wasn't completely mutually understood as just a one night stand. Aside from the decision to move to Austin, which will come to fruition in a couple months, 2009 was fairly lame.
I'm sorry Grind but something like this simply cannot go unnoticed. Dude, you're an asshole. You couldn't handle it any other way? You, according to your "story", tore her life apart over money? What'd she owe you 100 bucks? Did you feel like a big man when you told her: Did you enjoy watching her innocent family get upset at the lies you'd told them? You Sir, are the definition of a pussy and I'm willing to bet a liar too. You know what happens to posers in the land of TiB? They get called out, especially when it's so obvious. I'll end with how I began...Asshole. You get what you give.
During my friend's bachelor party in Niagara Falls, I was attacked by some drunk bitch at the Fallsview Casino (seriously, I provoked NOTHING in this situation). She was swinging full-on at me and since I can't hit back, I scooped her up like a new bride and dropped her into the casino fountain to cool her off. You know what? Cancel that. That was a GOOD fucking deed.
Focus: I've been a pretty good girl this year. There is, however, one teensy weensy transgression that will net me a stockings-worth of coal. I broke my friends vibrator. Not during the course of any awesome vibrator-swapping lesbian tryst. Not even during a marathon masturbation session where she and I were locking eyes or anything semi-acceptable like that. No, I was taking a shower at her house and thought it was an electric razor (in my defense, I only use phallic-shaped vibrators and I was a bit tipsy). As soon as it touched water, it sputtered and died. And since we live in Alabama, it was at least 2.5 weeks until she received a new one in the mail. I clit-blocked her for 2.5 weeks. I'm pretty sure Santa frowns on that.
I started the year off on the right foot by yelling in some girls face, telling her to "Get the fuck out of my house and don't let the door hit you in the vag on the way out" (I realize it's a lot funnier aimed at a guy, but I was drunk and it was the first thing that came to mind) which caused a) her to run out the door crying and b) her friend to come to my door, screeching at me like a velociraptor(sp?) at 2 am, waking my neighbors. In all fairness, both had it coming since they had acted like huge bitches that night (one had smashed a girl over another girl's forehead in the bathroom at the bar, but that's unrelated to me). I also made another girl cry in a completely unrelated incident, and quite possibly became the catalyst that eventually led to her breaking up with her boyfriend. Looking back I really shouldn't have gotten myself involved and it was a rather childish and immature thing to do. Details about the story that I'm sure most people won't care about. Spoiler But seeing as how after almost dating me, she: a) Got back together with her ex-boyfriend b) started calling and texting my best friend non-stop c) lied to my best friend, saying that she had broken up with her boyfriend d) started lying to my best friend, saying that I was harassing her about them hanging out e) made a move on my best friend multiple times f) said it was my best friend who was making the moves on her, then after telling her I had her friend saying it was she making the moves, claimed her memory was too foggy to remember who was making a move on who. I'm friends with her now ex's older brother who's still close with her brother and they still live at home together. So I asked him if they were still together. He says yes, that they're still spending a lot of time together (on days she claimed she had been working her second job she got right when they "broke up"), holding hands and making it obvious they're still "together". Of course me asking the brother got him suspicious, so he told his brother, who then asked her what was up, started suspecting her of cheating on him, and caused a giant shit storm which led to her in tears calling me, saying I'd better not ever talk to her boyfriend, his family or anyone else close to him "Or else". I didn't flinch at all, saying or else what? What could she possibly do to me? I asked her this repeatedly and she just stammered a bunch of times, saying "Or else" over and over. I then called her out on all her lies, including a) she had been to rehab in grade 9 b) had been pregnant in grade 10, but they took the baby out during the second trimester and put it in another lady's womb, because her and her husband couldn't have kids Oh and her brother whom she still lived with at home didn't know about either of these things c) she was also anemic and protein deficient because she had gone vegetarian and now eating meat makes her sick d) she has a blood testing machine at home that would, after analyzing her blood, send her text messages to her phone about her iron levels e) had a small heart attack, but didn't need to go to the hospital or anything for it because "people have small heart attacks all the time, it's not a big deal or anything" d) having a B ticket for welding before she was 18 and making over $40/hour welding for her dad's shop. She used to say she would weld in a tank top and goggles, and just put on sunscreen so she wouldn't get burns from the rays from the spark, ignoring the fact that splatter would have covered her arms in tiny burns like all the welders I know have, even with wearing long sleeved leathers. She just stammered and muttered nonsense or just changed the subject back to me every time I brought one of these things up. She kept demanding that I apologize, which I refused to do at the time. Somehow she managed to stick together with her boyfriend, and they only broke up just a month or two ago, despite the fact that she moved one province over for school. How you can trust someone like that to stay faithful that far away is beyond me. I realize now I should have stayed out of things, but I was just getting so pissed off about her talking shit about me behind my back, then trying to be friendly when I talked to her, face to face. And I also realize that this story doesn't have much to do with me being bad this year, but once I started writing about that whole mess, I needed to get it all out there. People who lie constantly and refuse to take responsibility for their actions really piss me off.
I'm so perfect that Santa worries about whether I thought HE was naughty or nice. And frankly, the way he has been carrying on with the elves 'while working late' is not going to bode well for his Christmas stocking. Or for his marriage to Mrs. Claus when I send her the cell phone with the naughty texts on it. Or the phone message he left for his 'favorite' elf that she needed to change her ID on her phone... For shame, Santa. For shame.
Misdeeds? Let's see. -I visited the grand canyon and left sticks and loose gravel on the paths near the rim. -I made full price offers on homes near foreclosure and then said "just kidding, that was an adjustable rate offer." -I invested my savings in New Moon and then took the profits and reinvested it in abortion clinics to deal with the inevitable New Moon aftermath. I'm literally making a killing. -I glued swine flu vaccine to the floors at old folks homes. -I posted this on craigslist.