Recently I came across a story concerning something called The Butt Grape Ritual. I looked it up on Slate and found the following blurb: "The single best coach story I heard concerned a college football coach who purportedly made his players run wind sprints while each one held a single grape between the cheeks of his buttocks. The unfortunate soul who came in last had to eat the grapes. Haunting though this story is, I can't verify it." In my youth I lived in an athletic continuum of baseball, football, and basketball. I've had plenty of nutjob coaches. First guy I think of was a baseball coach who talked into a tape recorder during games and didn't have legs past the thigh. Still, he paced and recorded himself; first time I saw him was at a distance, and I thought he was pacing in a ditch. Then there was the ex-marine football coach who liked to make us crab and then fire tight spirals into anyone lagging. But my favorite was the lard-ass football coach with the lazy eye, who was always sweating, smelled of booze and lead us to a one-victory season. Not only was he kickass at failing to coach football, but he used to get sauced and call the house asking for my mother. I used to lie about her being in the bathroom and keep him on the line. Eventually his speech would become more diffuse and he'd hang up after prolonged silence. FOCUS: Tell us about your standout (best/worst) coaches.