I'm 28, about to turn 29. I was in the Navy for 9 years, and have been a civilian contractor making decent money for most of the time since I got out. I am single. I have been single, for the most part, since I was 21. I've dated girls for a few months at a time, but never anything serious, and nothing recent. So, while I like the thought of having kids someday, there aren't really any prospects in the offing. Or should I say, weren't. There's a girl I work with, I've known her about a year and a half. She's also a member of the investment company myself and some other friends from work started. She's a lesbian who's been with her partner for about five years, and they want a baby. They asked me to donate (via cup, not gonna be able to cross off "fuck a lesbian" from my list quite yet). I would not be directly involved with the raising of the child, they would be the parents. No child support would be asked of me (and that would be put in writing first). As we know each other in both a professional and personal capacity, in any inevitable early interactions I would be referred to as "Uncle Ian" or something like that. I'd receive updates like pictures and such down the road if they move away. And after puberty, or thereabouts, if the child wants to know who their real Dad is, they will be told, at which point it would be between myself and the kid to find our way through it. I've thought about it, and given a tentative yes. My Dad had a wildly negative reaction, along the lines of "You don't really know this person that you think is your friend, and this could ruin any chance you have for a real family later..." My Mom said that she would be sad to not have any interaction with her grandchild, but understood why I felt it was the right thing to do. My best friend said it sounded like an awesome thing to be able to do for someone. Focus: I know we don't have an advice board, but what's your take on my situation? Are there ramifications I have completely overlooked? There are things that I've thought about but didn't put here for brevity's sake. Alt-Focus: What's the strangest favor you've ever been asked?
If you choose to go through with it, you MUST consult an attorney and, mostlikely, have her sign some sort of contract that insures she cannot come after you for child support, etc.
I think your Dad probably means well and is just worried about you being taken advantage of, which you have obviously already considered. As long as you're smart about protecting your rights, legally you should be alright. Morally, it's a great thing to help people out by giving them something that they'll never be able to obtain on their own. It sounds pretty flattering that your friend sees traits in you that she would like to see passed on to her own child. I don't really see it effecting your future family because any woman who would have a problem that you helped out a, for all intents and purposes, "barren couple" is probably not harboring the kind of understanding you need in a marriage. As long as the child is being raised in a healthy and happy home, I don't see this as being anything other than a selfless, giving act on your part. I guess the biggest problem would be, emotionally down the road, is it going to bother you that there is genetic offspring with which you have little to no contact? Or, should contact arise one day, would you be able to deal with letting this person into your life? Edit: For effinshenanigans
Alt. Focus: My father works in the medical field and at one point he was involved with In-Vitro Clinics. They were adding an extension to their building and creating "doner rooms" for the husbands. As in rooms where the guys jerk off and capture their sperm for the process. My dad asked me to create a program which allowed them to choose the porn video they wanted to jerk off to; not only that but for me to also choose and upload the videos. I was offered a lot of money for it but I declined. I don't want my dad to know anything about my porn habits and especially not what I consider to be normal porn. The potential ramifications are disastrous: what if he expected some playboy channel softcore stuff? How could I look him in the eyes after that?
I dont understand. They want a baby. But they wont let you give it to her the old fashion way? WTF??? Also, How do they determine who gets the preggers duty? Twisted game of paper rock scissors? EDIT: Do it man, nothin but a little baby batter. In then end as long as the proper paperwork is filed, you have no further obligations. And you get to say you got a lesbian's eggo preggo!
That would not cut it in most states that I'm aware of. Theoretically, if the lesbians go belly up, the state is coming after dad for the cash. Usually, child support is not something that can be contracted away. Tread very carefully. VERY carefully.
I guess it's sort of the easy way out for me on having a kid. I get to pass on my DNA without any of that pesky "responsibility". It's crossed my mind, but I wouldn't say it's my primary motivation. I think the only major issue I might have with it is, like Indy said, knowing I have a kid out there that I don't really know. But I think I can deal with it.
1) Hypothetically speaking, if you were currently married, do you still think you would consider doing this? 2) Let's say you do this and then you meet somebody and decide to get married 2-3 years down the road. Given that you have an ongoing work relationship with the mother, let's also assume that you will have to be up front with your bride-to-be about your "arrangement". Do you think that would have an impact on your marriage given that your relationship with the mother of your child is ongoing (even if you have nothing to do with the kid)? I don't pretend to know everything about all women, but I can tell you without a doubt that my fiancee would be bothered by this in one way or another. It would find its way into a fight. It would be a thorn in the side of our marriage. I'm not saying that my relationship is the ideal relationship from which to base all relationships. Idealism and realism are two totally different things, especially when it comes to families and relationships. Wouldn't the ultimate impact on your hypothetical marriage be similar under both scenarios above? The only difference would be timing and parties involved at the decision making point. Have these two women considered using an anonymous donor? Why you? Good luck. And for the record, I still think you should try to bang these chicks for your troubles.
What if you can't? What if once it pops out you cannot deal with having so little contact? Simply put, man you do not know how you'll feel or react until its happened and then, if things unravel, it's too late. I may be Negative Nancy but there are too many variables, too many things that can go awry because there are too many people involved. I think the fact you're considering it is great but, what if? Ya know? Too many "what if's" in something so important, a life.
I'm with SheGirl. Besides, even if you signed this piece of paper, could you really say no if they came to your door saying the kid needs something? If their house fell into the ocean, you wouldn't let them stay in yours? You want all these problems, wait a few years till you have your own kid.
Having a kid is really something, from the second is happens. It's not a "Mystical Bullshit Magical Fairytale" feeling like some idiots describe, but it's an emotional rollercoaster (mine would have been the rollercoaster from the movie Shakedown) on any level. This depends strictly on how you feel yourself about having kids. Obviously this isn't going to go into Chasing Amy territory, but you should think about yourself. That, or write a letter to David Crosby and ask how he likes Lou Diamonds Phillip's ex and the chick who sounds like Bryan Adams raising his biological child
I have been in this EXACT situation - with one difference - I am the lesbian birth mom in my story. My partner and I will have been together 5 years this May. We have a 2 year old and a new baby on the way. About 3 years ago we starting feeling around our guy friends and seeing how they would react to being asked to father a kid for us. No one really worked out. We did have one guy who said he'd do it, but crapped out in the end. Like the day he was supposed to donate. Luckily, my sister & her husband had a really close friend who they thought we might like to talk to about it, "Tim". We met with him, talked about our expectations - we would be the legal parents, he would sign away his rights, he would have NO legal or monetary responsibilities, etc. Then we discussed what he relationship would be - we hoped for something like that of an uncle. But, if he was not comfortable with that, we were fine with it. My partner, being a biology teacher, really wanted our child to at least know his/her dad enough to say, "oh, that's where I get that trait from." He agreed & he basically said, “I feel like you asked me for a reason and I always go with my gut, so I will do it, if you want me too.” I got pregnant the 2nd month of trying (p.s. we did it ourselves, no doctors involved, and yup, it was the turkey baster method - sorta). We went to a lawyer and and had all of the paper work drawn up for a 2nd parent adoption which would terminate his rights and make my partner our son's legal mother. We have a birth certificate with our names on it, it's awesome. Tim was there the day our son was born (scheduled c-section) and he has actually been around ever since. He comes over every Wednesday night and spends the evening with our son and we go out to give them male-bonding time. Our son calls him dad and he comes to family events & holidays. We didn't expect it to work out this way, it happened very naturally and he has become a very, very good friend, really pretty much family. Tim's mother died when he was 12 and his older brother & his brother's wife pretty much raised him and they were pretty leery of the situation at first. They worried we would come after him for money, etc. But, they have just met our son for the first time & see how the situation has worked out over the past 2 years and they have no worries now. About 7 months ago he agreed to donate again and now we have another on the way via my partner this time (we each wanted to see what it was like to be pregnant). He is excited and we are too. I am obviously not saying that you will end up the same way - as involved, etc. This is just how is worked out for us - no one forced anyone into anything & there are legal ways to protect yourself. See what they are thinking about doing, legally. Some states to not allow same-sex 2nd parent adoption, but some do & it's worth the money to have that piece of mind. If you have any questions or anything PM me!
How about the semen firing squad? You and several other handpicked, fairly similar-looking dudes shoot in the cup. It all goes in. And the fleetest sperm carries on.
Do you plan on telling your possible future wife about the deal you have? Even if you do, how would you react if one day you answered the doorbell and "your" kid was on the other side? If you can find a way to be comfortable with this possibility I'd think seriously about going for it. I'd be incredibly honored if a lesbian couple I was friends with asked me to be a donor.
With all the talk about "what would your future wife say," these are my thoughts: What does your gut and heart tell you to do? If you truly feel that this is what you want, then do it. Presumably, the woman you fall in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with will respect decisions you've made in your past, and likely feel the same way you do about family, kids and the desire to have them. If she (your future wife) doesn't, then I'd wager that you're making a poor choice in your spouse. Go with what your heart says, and protect yourself legally through all means possible. Lastly, communicate. Talk about everything that's on your mind, what to expect, what you'd like out of the experience, how you want to be involved in years to come, etc. If you can't do this with this lady now... again, it's probably a bad choice.
Like Village Idiot said, Courts don't like people contracting away child support.. [1.] Sperm donors get sued for child support, and in some states, have to pay it, for example in New York, Pennsylvania, and New Mexico. In all these cases, the donor dad had a "relationship." What's more, these cases rely on the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act, which seems to consider any act that shows recognition of parenthood. In all but the Pennsylvania case, it doesn't seem like in these cases there was adoption by the non-biological partner. A recent supreme Court case in Pennsylvania upheld a promise not to seek child support, so the tide may be turning, but as any attorney will tell you, it's expensive to be on the cutting edge of the law. Additionally, there is an statute, the Uniform Parentage Act that can shield sperm donors from being forced to assume parenting responsibilities. Not all states have adopted it. The only true protection, Pennsylvania notwithstanding, is anonymity.. Of course, don't construe this as legal advice. I just think it's interesting. Consult a lawyer with experience in this area (as opposed to one who's screwing around during lunch on google). [2.] Finally, I can't wait until a gay married gets hit with the presumption of paternity. It would warm my dark, dark soul. Added: well, go figure, there's a case seeking to enforce the presumption.
Sorta? Details... Does he go into the bathroom, do his thing, then hand you guys a cup and say "till next time" and walk out the door, with his Penthouse folded in his back pocket? Wouldn't it have been easier just to have sex? And iczorro.. man, not sure if I could do that and just walk away. Especially knowing who the donees are/were. It's one thing if it's complety anonymous, but to know the family, think of them raising your child, or worse potentially damaging/hurting/abusing your child is off the charts mind fucking. As a father myself, I couldn't imagine "allowing" someone else to treat my child (weird connection in weird spiritual universe ways) however they see fit. You're going to have an emotional bond. As evidence, ask yourself if you'd do this for this woman if she was a 300lb blonde beast with a mustache and mustard on her tits... would you still do it? If the answer's no, you're in for a ride.
I have a feeling she will have 8 kids already, stuffing her cart full of crap being paid for by food stamps. Probably no job and lives in a run down house/trailer. I know I would choose the working lesbians far before the buffalo any day. I think the ladies that approached him would be considered good people and I think it would be easier knowing they had my child than the wildebeest. Pardon my interruption.
The first time we did it (to get me pregnant) we lived in Philly & he lived in Delaware (about a 30 minute drive) so when we knew it was a day to try and gave him a heads up and then would call him when we were about 10 minutes from getting to his place. He'd do his business, hand us a cup, we'd chat for a few minutes, then head home. Sperm can live outside of the body for a couple hours, if kept slightly below body temperature. When we got home we had a sterilized syringe and would just shoot it on up. Really, it's amazing it took so quickly (2nd month, 3rd try). For the next pregnancy we did the same thing, except now he lives in Philly so it's a much closer drive and he was already at our house the one day, so he just used our attic bathroom and left the cup on the banister. It was all quite civil. And this time around it took on the first month, 2 tries. And as for the having sex part, I am not interested in guys the way that you (I am guessing here) are not interested in guys. I am not attracted to this guy (or any guy, really), I would not be interested in have any physical relations with him, plus, it would be really really awkward. It's one of those things that is much easier to say than to do. And, as I said in a PM to someone with the same question: I am in a committed relationship. Think of it this way, say you are shooting blanks but you and your wife/GF REALLY want kids - would you let your wife go and have sex with some guy (be it someone you know or not) several times, just to try and get pregnant?