Ahh. 1. In high school while my folks were away, a big friend of mine went through the antique glass in the centre of our front door. Emergency glaziers are expensive as fuck when you earn $80/wk. 2. There was the time we booked a holiday home and it turned out to be a heritage-listed former Mayor's house with glossy magazines describing the handmade antique furniture, etc. A friend of mine pulled a BlueDog and managed to go entirely through the gigantic log that made up the balcony railing. Very, very awkward. I don't put holiday houses in my name anymore. 3. A friend of mine pulled the shisha over and totally destroyed the carpet in my lounge room. $600 to replace. 4. My brother put a vacuum cleaner through a window, then scaled a balcony and ripped the outside door to an upstairs room off and threw it 2 stories down because he was pissed the party's host had abandoned us to fuck someone in said room. 5. A good friend of mine is not a big drinker. He will drink once, overdo it severely, not drink for another 3 months, and then repeat the cycle. He's not a particularly bad drunk, but a few years ago at my folks house he got stuck into the shots of rum. He was slurring by 7pm, and kept drinking till 1am. Then he disappeared into my room / ensuite bathroom. I went to find him. Somehow, there was vomit and shit all over my bathroom. On the walls, light switches, etc. I was not pleased. I walked into my room, and same story. Shit on my curtains. Shit on my books. Shit on my bed, where he was passed out. It honestly looked like he had fingerpainted with his own shit, although he had actually just got it on his hands (somehow) and just drunkenly stumbled into walls, the floor, etc. I turned around, shut the door, and crashed in the spare room. The next morning I went out all day. Came back around 8pm to find everything spotlessly clean and smelling of Pine-Sol. New (pricey) black-out curtains, new bed linen, new books even. He apologized profusely and we never spoke of it again. This is actually the first time I've told this story.
I've got one particularly rank story to tell. Me and my former housemate used to have a crew we regularly drank with at the Tavern 800m down the road. One Thursday night we all get kicked out at closing time and come back to ours with a bottle of red and a carton. Everyone passes out or goes home except for me and one mate who brought the wine. He drinks the whole bottle then we all end up asleep. Alarm goes off at 6am and I step out to wake his ass up. The stench pervading the house is like something from the 7th level of hell and I had to run outside to retch over the balcony. I went back inside to see that my mate is lying on the couch in only his jocks with a massive pile of shit on the couch/in his pants and a dirty big red wine spew sliding down the side of another cushion. His shirt is across the other side of the room and we later found his pants soaking wet out the front door. He ended up tidying himself up in my housemates shower and left dags of shit wrapped up in her disposeable gloves she used for tanning and shit smears on the walls after spending a decent amount of time throwing up in the toilet pantless on his hands and knees. Not his proudest moment.
This was about 10 years ago, and still the most rediculous party fouls I have ever seen. Both of these occurred at the same party, the first by my buddy & the second by a dude no one claimed responsibility for knowing. We were 18, and got invited to a friends older sisters party. There were 4 of us who went to the party, and we were the youngest ones there by at least 5 years. Games were being played (asshole, quarters, moose & such) beer bongs were rapidly being consumed, and bongs were being hit on the porch. Somewhere around 1am my buddy JC gets the idea that he wants to demonstrate how much of man he is by claiming he'll beerbong anything the host wants to poor down the tube. She decides on Jager. He takes it like a champ, didn't balk at all. The rest of us keep drinking doing shots and continuing on. About 20 minutes later I see JC with that "1000 mile stare" on his face, so I try to manuver him to the bathroom. We get to the door & it's locked. He decides he cant wait anymore, so he boots it in. The door flung open surprisingly easy, and the scene I'm greeted with is this; some chick on her knees blowing some dude sitting on the toilet, both with a look of shock on their faces, JC practically running at the tub because of how easily the door popped, trips over the girl, does a semi impressive tuck-and-roll, & basically does a faceplant into the far side of the tub while pulling the curtain down. He immediately starts to projectile vomit black, pure liquid death, inside the tub. The second part of this involves some gangly, skinny goth kid(I say kid but he was probably about 6 years older than me). The host drunkenly yells that if goth can beat boyfriend in roshambo (sp.?), she'll make out with him. Goth accepts this as fair, even though there is a sizeable mismatch against him. Boyfriend lets goth go first and he lands hit, I have a problem calling it a punch, in the gut of boyfriend, who immediately retaliates with an uppercut to the diaphragm. Goth kid slumps like sack of jello. The position he's in is important. Picture a muslim praying with their head down, except his feet aren't under him they're next to him and his ass is on the ground alond with his head. He stays there for about 10 minutes and one of the most foul stenches I've ever smelled in my life starts wafting around the room. Everyone is smelling it, going what the fuck is that smell? Goth kid then stands up, and a WATERFALL of liquid shit spills out the bottom of his pants into the carpet. Goth looks at it for a second then takes off his hoodie and starts to mop it up with that, before standing up and running out of the house, hoodie still in hand. I've never seen a party killed and cleared out faster than that.
I am amazed to see so many people witness not only people shitting themselves, but having such the artistic disposition that they then proceeded to finger paint the entire house with it. Seriously what.the.fuck. That being said, everyone at a friend's wedding thought I shit myself when I passed out during the reception. No I did not* but I did end up vomiting all over myself due to a failed re-enactment of Wedding Crashers. Leading up to the incident, I was the classy guy that was carrying four glasses of wine and laughing during the best man/women speeches. Awareness started creeping in when I was getting dirty looks from the girls seated next to me so I made the executive decision to head outside for some air. Puking occurred shortly afterward, luckily a friend found me and drove me home with my head dangling out the window, but not before letting loose that I shit myself. Focus 1.1: A drunk friend got pulled over at a DUI checkpoint after leaving a party. He was obviously wasted but they still put him through the road sites tests before they arrested him. Well during that time, TWO of his friends in the backseat really had to go to the bathroom. And being drunk and stupid, they thought it was a great idea to pee in plastic bags. Needless to say, his car ended up smelling like urine.
This seems mild compared to some of the other stories here, but it really pissed me off when it happened. A few years ago at a Christmas party at our house, a couple of girls got really shit faced. I saw them wonder off to the guest bedroom, and I just assumed they went to use the bathroom in there. They came out a while later, and seemed to be doing better. I didn't think much of it until the next day when I went in the guest bedroom to get some gift bags my wife had purchased for Christmas gifts. There were all these gift bags around the room, full of vomit. First off, 5hese girls were at most 10 feet away from a private bathroom. And secondly, even though I do appreciate them not throwing up all over the room, they could have disposed of the bag-o-vomits before they left or even just said something to us like "You know those gift bags in the guest room? Ya, you probably want to buy some more."
One time my friend was out of control drunk at my house, so I cut her off. She took a bottle of my Vicodin, popped the top off and poured them all into a glass full of screwdriver. Bitch.
Freshman year of college. First weekend. My dorm roommate, a high school friend of his and I go party hopping around campus to meet people. End up a fraternity party where later that quarter I ended up joining. Well, that first night, my roommate ended up drinking about 20 beers and projectile vomited all over about 6 people in the basement. He disappears. I had only met him that morning. His friend, who I also met that morning and I searched all over campus for him. We ended up giving up, his friend went home and I went back to my dorm room. He was there passed out on our floor with more vomit all over the floor. I sat up all night watching him to make sure he didn't die. I ended up joining that fraternity and he was terrified to go over there with me although nobody cared. 6 weeks later, he finally broke down and went back. None of us were at the house at the time except my one fraternity brother who answered the door when he got there with a question about whether he'd like to drink. My roommate says sure, next thing you know, they equally share a brand new bottle of 151. Both of them are a mess that night, thankfully each throwing up everything before it had time to absorb and they both have more serious problems. Another fraternity brother watched him all that night to make sure he didn't die, etc. Myself and a couple others tended to the other guy. He was again terrified of the place due to being 2/2 with stupid drinking practices. My house was full of very chill guys who, again, didn't care. He ended up joining the same house, became one of my best friends and was a fantastic brother. People ribbed him now and again, but it made for a couple funny stories. I have two stories of my party fouls. Spring break trip to Mexico. Four of us driving a beat up car from Ohio to Mexico and back stopping at cool places along the way. One night in Mexico I end up black out drunk at a camp ground down the road from our hotel. Last thing I remembered was drinking the last quarter of a bottle of goldschlagger. After already drinking lots of other stuff. I woke up naked on the floor of our hotel, a few miles down the road. Covered head to tow in mosquito bites, everyone is mad at me and I'm ordered to immediately go down and clean the projectile vomit I painted throughout the entire inside of the car that we need to spend the next week in. Thankfully that was the only reason they were mad as I was amusing many people the night before and it was only the vomiting on the drive back to the hotel that this happened. Last major dumb move was at a chapter of my fraternity that was at a college about 1 1/2 hours away. They had an around the world party and that not being bad enough, this girl who was dolling out shots of apple juice and vodka with a baster and spraying whipped cream and cinnamon into peoples mouths. Apple pie, or something. She followed me a good part of the night and kept giving me more and more vodka. I actually was sensible this time and decided I had enough and went to the room I was staying in and passed out. All was well until a couple other guys did some stupid stuff and we had to leave. I was forcibly woken up only they didn't wake up mental me, just physical me. The rest of the night ended up being such that I was dreaming one thing and was in reality doing something else completely. I thought I was going to the bathroom in my room hours away and I was peeing all over their formal parlor. I was dreaming that I got into a fight with somebody messing with my friends and it turned out I was slugging my roommate, from the first story. He had 50 lbs. and about 6" height and much more strength than me as was surprisingly cool about it. He was of course as drunk as I was but was always a nice drunk, even when getting punched. Strange. He complimented me on my right a couple days later. He was at least a little angry the next day. Took him two to be over it. I thought I slammed my front door after this fight, but was actually slamming a car door. Just a surreal night and would have never happened if I was never woken into a blackout situation and left to sleep. The next year, a bunch of guys went back to that house for that years party and a bunch of people kept asking them about that shithead who was causing all the problems. Their response, "He's now our president." Every other time in I've ever been drunk I was and still am a very happy drunk.