You know you are a Drunkard when...

-You keep a "backup case" at all times, just in case it's needed.
-You drink wine out of a Coke can and vodka out of a water bottle.
-You've considered Olympic Beer Pong Team as a career choice
-The campus police know you by name and face, and always walk a little closer to you than they do to normal people so they can see if you smell like hooch.

 

- You buy Pocket Shots to bring to work because the metal detectors pick up your flask.
- You only buy Gatorade to prevent hangovers, not to replenish bodily fluids after working out.
- You keep at least three bottles of hard liquor on hand for emergency purposes.
- You drive to the liquor store in the middle of a blizzard since classes/work will be cancelled the next day and you just realized that you have an extra drinking night thanks to Mother Nature.
- You buy 7 30-racks of Keystone Light and 8 handles of store-brand hard liquor for 15 people on Friday for Spring Fest weekend, only to have to go back to the store the next day for more booze.
- You now know the state limit for the amount of alcohol you can legally carry in your car because the amount you purchased for Spring Fest weekend far exceeded that amount.

 

- Doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream
- When girls say you're intoxicating it's because the fumes coming off your body save them money at the bar
- You've lost arguments to your fridge
- You've played "Last person to take a shot wins" with yourself
- Cop cars install barf bags for your benifit

 

Every time she swallows your load, your girlfriend is reminded of a cement mixer shot... and vice versa.

Whenever you go on a drinking-related overnight, you pack the 4-pill hangover cocktail: Excedrin, electrolytes, vitamin B complex, probiotics.

You avoid hooking up in fear of whiskey dick.

 

You try and convince people you're not drunk and they say things like 'No, you're only this nice when you've been drinking'. Or 'No, you're only this much of an asshole when you've been drinking all day.'

 

You walk in the front door of your local bar and by the time you walk up to the bar, the bartender has your beer waiting there for you.

When your local bar is crowded and there is a long wait to get a drink, the bartender spots you waiting in line and throws you a beer over the crowd and puts it on your tab.

When the bartenders let you walk behind the bar and mix yourself a drink/grab a beer.

When you want to build a keg fridge for economical reasons, not just because it's cool.

When you get home from a long night of drinking, you sit down to piss, because you know if you don't it'll end up on the floor.

When it's a normal occurence to wake up in the early afternoon, fully clothed, and play a little game called "where the fuck is my vehicle", or my favorite game, "where the fuck am I".

 

The smell of JD subconsciously stimulates a retching response, foreshadowing how the night will end

 

You are charged with public intoxication at 3pm... on a Tuesday.

 

If you try and keep from drinking on a Monday because you know that it will mean you will drink every night that week.

If you excuse your drinking by saying 'At least it's a Friday'

 

-You feel good about your new policy of not drinking after 9pm during weeknights (which was only put in place so you don't wake up at 3am to pee).

-People know to give you the old booze that they found when they cleaned out their liquor cabinet.

-You can funnel a beer while driving

-A 12-pack is an appetizer

-In a given year, you'll eat your weight in both pizza and chicken wings without remembering the meals at all.

-You've filtered vodka through a Brita

 

...You get a DWI in the drive-thru at McDonald's.
...AA literature mysteriously starts to appear around the house.
...Your idea of alcohol abuse is someone else spilling their drink.
...You get more Christmas cards from distilleries than family.
...Even though you hate gin, you're going to drink 400-500 martinis just to be sure.
...The state rejects your "Organ-Donor" status.

 

You think the "You know you are a Drunkard when . . ." thread is your own personal Weekend Drinking Thread.

Your PMs to other board members look like someone vomited a scrabble game onto the screen.

You don't have "your stool" at your bar, so much as your corner of the linoleum where you usually pass out.

 

...you are surprised when you wake up on a Saturday or Sunday morning and you are in your bed without a hangover.
...even the bartenders at the bars you don't like, and try to stay away from, know you by name.
...you joined a bowling league to justify drinking so much on Monday nights.
...you find yourself unconsciously preparing your night before hangover remedy on nights you don't even drink.
...you are known just as much by the morning shift at the parking garage as the night shift.

 

The bartender at "The Old Point Bar" has your drink ready the instant you hit the bar and knows your name, your wife's name, the names of your children and asks how the new house is coming along and you don't know his name or recall giving him your wife's name, your children's names, or telling him you bought a new house.

 

-An unusual number of your friends and acquaintances are bartenders or bar owners.
-25% or more of your friends on facebook are bars.
-Your spending budget typically doesn't consist of money, but of how many drinks you can have each day
-You tell time by how full or empty your beverage is
-Your friends no longer ask you if you are going out, but what bar you are at
-You know every happy hour in town
-You can be quoted as saying "(insert any weekday) is the new Friday"
-Your dogs start to sleep in the pile of last night's bar clothes for comfort

 

YKYAADW:

If your liver gets any bigger and blacker, Angelina Jolie will try to adopt it.

 

You have the flu, and you think to yourself, "Better drink liquor instead of beer tonight. It'll help kill the germs."

 

you can relate to him

 

YKYAADW...

Your friends make sure you specifically know that the group is going out earlier than planned so you can start pregaming by yourself earlier.

The doormen at some bars don't even ask for your ID anymore even though you live in a college town and they see hundreds or thousands of people a night.

The bartenders give you free drinks because they know you tip a lot better when you are drunk.

You down at least 10 beers before going out because you know if you don't you'll end up spending $50 just to get a buzz.

People know just to introduce themselves immediately even though you've already met, because they know that you were too drunk to remember the initial meeting.

 

TKYAADW:

You once blew in a breathalyzer and the breathalyzer had to spend a night in jail.