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You know you are a Drunkard when...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by kuhjäger, Oct 23, 2009.

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  1. kuhjäger

    kuhjäger
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    Mondern Drunkard Magazine is for any of you know know me a perfect fit, and is very often hilarious and informative.

    They have a section called: "You know you are a Drunkard when..." that has some good sayings, but I think we could do better. Here are some of my favorites:
    [*]You drank so much beer last night you single-handedly wore out a fresh urinal cake.
    [*] The cops set up a DUI checkpoint in your driveway.
    [*] You drink tequila to get the taste of rum out of your mouth. And visa versa. For hours at a time.
    [*] Your last Breathalyzer reading was “No Fucking Way.”
    [*]Wild Turkey 101 neat tastes watered down.

    We are a clever bunch and can do better.

    Focus: You know you are a drunkard when...

    (Try and keep it to one or two one liners per post)
     
  2. Blue Dog

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    YKYADW:

    * You measure driving distances as "oh, it's about a 3 beer ride".
    * The cashier remembers your name and pick of poison- not at the liquor store, at the family grocery.
    * Your emergency kit you keep in your duck boat consists of toilet paper and a fifth of Jack Daniels.
    * You get made fun of by your dad for buying a six pack ("Why waste your money? Just buy in bulk. You're gonna drink it anyway.")
    * You own an ice chest that you have bought specifically because it fit perfectly over your right shoulder in your truck, right between the front and back seats.
    * The most expensive items in your kitchen are plastic cups.
    * Right pant's back pocket? Wallet. Left pant's back pocket? Coozie.
     
  3. kuhjäger

    kuhjäger
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    This is knowing you are a drunkard.

    Not from the bayou.
     
  4. taste_my_rainbow

    taste_my_rainbow
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    "I've got to pack" means "fill up the cooler"

    Your cooler has stickers and/or wheels.
     
  5. MainEvent007

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    Coke tastes weird without rum in it.
     
  6. toytoy88

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    When you don't need a cooler, because the booze isn't going to have time to get warm.

    When you find yourself sitting on a couch with a case of beer at your feet. The aforementioned couch is in the bed of a pick up and you're doing 80 mph down the interstate because you and your friends decided getting tattoos right now was a good idea. (The closest tattoo parlor was almost 100 miles away, but I was happy as a clam and waving at the other cars on the highway as they looked at me with confusion.)

    When you pee yellow and make a Dr's appointment because of the strange color of your urine. 2 hours later you cancel the appointment because after 8 beers your urine is the correct color again.
     
  7. Kampf Trinker

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    You tell your professors that your parents are getting a divorce and you need to take after your kid brother while they fight over custody... because classes are interrupting your drinking.

    You bring a flask with you everywhere you go, including your job to hand out parking tickets around campus.

    You ask your friend for some rum and then give a quizzical look when he brings out shot glasses. You just hand him 5 dollars and take a third of the bottle down in one swig.

    When asked when was the last time you spent a day without drinking it takes you more than 2 minutes to answer.

    Yep, all the same guy I know.
     
  8. gtg2k

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    When campus cops at a 20,000+ student university know you by name. And you don't do campus safety patrol.

    When you alone buy enough beer from the local haji mart to help your fraternity win a keg for Christmas.
     
  9. Bjornturoc

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    YKYAADW...

    You get diabetes rather than alcohol poisoning from drinking too many flavored vodkas.

    You have your own express lane for arraignment at the courthouse.

    You've drunk enough Goldschläger to make a crown with gold mined from your shit.
     
  10. clb

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    YKYAADW:

    You've thought "I'm getting too drunk, better switch to beers".
     
  11. anjelik

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    You carry a corkscrew in your purse.
     
  12. mekka

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    To take an earlier quote one step further:

    YKYAADW:
    - Your cooler not only has wheels, but a remote control as well.
     
  13. Peezlee

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    -You wake up with pink eye.
     
  14. PewPewPow

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    - "I'll just keep drinking after I wake up so I don't get a hangover!"
     
  15. SaintBastard

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    YKYAADW:

    A hook up won't swallow after a BJ because she's afraid of getting a DUI on the way home.
     
  16. fuzzzy

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    When it takes you 10 minutes to log in to The Idiot Board because you keep mistyping your username and password.
     
  17. 3-8-echo

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    ... when you're chugging a bottle of the cheapest red wine you can find as soon as you finish work so you can catch up, holding you're nose shut so the smell / taste combination doesn't make you throw it all straight back up, most nights of the week.

    All class, right here.
     
  18. Bob Trousers

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    I haven't been sober since Tuesday. What with the amount of beer and gin I've drunk these past few days, I'm fairly certain I'm legally dead, but the alcohol isn't allowing my brain to process this fact. Drunk me is not the greatest person in the world.

    It's also just dawned on me that Tuesday was the last time I showered. I am disgusting. Unemployment is a curse.
     
  19. MisterMiracle

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    People in the urinals next to yours catch a buzz from the fumes of your piss.
     
  20. Natty

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    You know you're a drunkard when you read this thread, and think to yourself: Done that, thought of that, hmmm I've never been on only a three beer ride before.
     
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