You did what??! But...you're....you're my parents.

I found out about my parents gradually over many, many years. Some things when I was pretty young. I can't say I couldn't believe anything I heard, and by the time I was old enough to understand it in context, it was all pretty believable. Some of it was awkward, like finding out that Mom was not Dad's first wife as I was led to believe, but his third (a subject that his parents, whom I knew until their deaths both in their very late 80s, never once brought up in 30+ years). The other big shocker was that my middle name is the name of a guy my Mom had a crush on in college, a fact Dad never knew.

 

I found out that the night my parents met, my mother was on a date with another guy. An hour after meeting my father, she ditched the guy who brought her to the party so she could watch my dad play guitar with the rest of his groupies. I should mention that my father looked like this:



Also, my parents were not actually dating when I was conceived. They had broken up and my mom moved to Philly. Then, my paternal grandfather died and my mom came back for the funeral. 9 months later, I was born.

 

Last year I found out that my dad was married before he married my mom. I was helping them move some things in their house when I found an annulment form. After talking about it with my grandmother, she explained that he was married while he was in law school, came home from class one day and she had packed up her shit and left. Neither of my parents know that my brother and I both know about this and I don't really feel like having an awkward conversation about it with my dad. I was happy to hear that they never had any children but shocked that something about this marriage never slipped out in casual conversation amongst my aunts and uncles.

 

My dad was the coolest. These are only a couple of things I know about his twenties and thirties:
-For two years he lived in the Rockies...most of which he lived in a teepee.
-He did something involving botany and tulips in Amsterdam for a while, after bicycling around the Netherlands for a few months
-He also did something related to botany on a kibbutz in Israel
-He spent some time on a near-deserted (at the time) island in the Caribbean called Utila with two of his friends and one of the "natives"
-He hung out in Egypt for a bit, but I don't remember what he was doing there.
I'm pretty sure I've heard more stories, but these are the coolest ones off the top of my head. I probably still don't know everything. I just found out he lived in Florida for a bit last year, which he apparently hated. I'm waiting until he tells me all the juicy stuff. Come on, Dad, I know what you were doing most of the time in Amsterdam and a teepee in the Rockies. The pictures I've seen in his hippie state are awesome, too.

I also found out, just last year, that my dad was my mom's second husband. I realized that some of her signatures on a few of her drawings that I have had a last name that was neither her maiden name nor my dad's. It was weird.

 

My Mother loved to go to concerts when she was young. She even wrote a column for a local newspaper about concert reviews that she went to. When she was 16 (In 1966), a friend and her snuck into the Rolling Stones dressing room and hid in the bathroom. They came out of the bathroom when the Stones came in the room and a security guard was about to throw them out but Mick Jagger said they could stay.

She has a photo album of her and her friend with the Rolling Stones and the Stones look so young in it. After they left the room my mother was interviewed about it on the radio.

 

My Dad was in Vegas at a poker table when I was born.

My mom was told by the doctor that I was due in about two weeks, and my dad was going out to Vegas to see his parents for the weekend since he had just gotten back from deployment. Anywho, I decide that I want to escape a couple weeks early all while my dad is out gambling, pretty sneaky of me. But he jumps the first plane back when he gets the phone call that I had made my appearance and he was actually the first one to hold me and pass me off to mom.

I still give him shit for it to this day.

 

I found out not too long ago that my dad was into disco. Like wayyy into disco.

Take into account that my dad is a Pakistani Chemistry PhD who came to America to do his PhD. He was one of those foreign bastards the rest of curse when they wreck the curve for everyone else.

Given this, I always imagined my dad being mostly a nerd in school, but it turns out he and his buddies used to hit up the disco clubs quite regularly. Regrettably, he has no pictures (perhaps they are hidden) of himself in disco mode. I would pay so much money to see him as you couldn't find a more stoic person.

 

My parents got engaged after knowing each other for one month. They were married in 1973, and are still together. My dad met my mom because he got in a street race with her boyfriend at the time, and he rolled and crashed his car which flipped into the second story window of a building here in town.

My dad was also a street gang member as a kid, which I never would have thought since he's the nicest person I know. Just not the person you would fuck with, though.

 

My dad used to ride a motorcycle. He's never told me about it, though. That is the extent of my parents being interesting.

I do have an uncle, though, who's a serious fundamentalist Christian, thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is manifestly raising his kids as such, etc. He used to be a pretty wild druggie back in the day; did pot, acid, etc. His kids are gonna have fun finding that one out.

 

My dad's parents never bought him a single toy when he was a kid.

Sometimes your parents are even more boring than you imagine.

 

My parents met at a biker clubhouse and indulged in a lot drugs (my dad apparently was a dealer) and alcohol. Hilarious, since they are now ultra-conservative Christians who will maybe have one glass of wine on their anniversary now. They're now part of some "Motorcycle for Jesus" club.

Sometime in the 8-10 age range, I was digging through my mom's drawers looking for something and found a drawing of my mom naked. I remember feeling really embarrassed for even finding such an awful thing and grossed out by the pubic hair in the drawing. That drawing probably has some subconscious effect on my desire to be completely shaven at all times.

I was also really surprised to find out that my mom was married before my dad. Thankfully, I don't have any half-brothers or half-sisters.

 

Don't ever...EVER look under your parent's bed.

While looking for something when I was about 13 years old, I tossed up the dust ruffle on my dad's side of the bed and saw a red cardboard box. I really wish I hadn't succumbed to my curiosity and pulled it out.

As I pulled, I realized that the box was much larger than it looked, and it had a clear plastic window on the top. Through that window, I saw a disassembled dildo voltron. There were so many attachments, auxiliary battery packs, and god knows what else. It looked like something used in a porn parody if an actor was supposed to be a Navy SEAL gearing up for the infiltration of a whore house.

Not only were my parents having sex, but they had a fucking toolbox for it.

As far as drugs and things go, I've known that my parents did drugs for a long time. They were never shy about it, but made sure not to glamorize it either. The sex kit was way more revelatory than any story they could've told me.

 

Apparently, my parents have had sex before.

I'm still in denial.

 

I was artificially inseminated (seriously) so I actually don't have to think about this. Immaculate conception bitches!!!

 

Stuff I recently found out about my dad.

1. Once drove from Seattle to Oklahoma in 18 hours because he was high on speed.
2. Smoked a ton of pot while in Vietnam.
3. Routinely hooked up with married women while my brother and I were living with him. We had no idea. In his defense, they all came on to him.
4. Got piss drunk every night from the age of 18 to 32 when he got his first DUI. Now refuses to drink outside of home unless there's a designated driver.
5. Accidentally saw my dad's website browsing history. Apparently he's in to mild S&M. I died a little inside when I saw it.
6. His first wife was a Mexican woman in Oklahoma. They were married for 6 months before he divorced her.

The only weird thing I've found out about my mom was that she had to marry another guy to get into the States so she could find my dad. She was pregnant with me and he needed to know. Luckily for her, my dad was stationed back in Seoul before she had to make the trip. This guy was a friend of hers, according to my mom.

I don't know whether I should be laughing or crying because of this post.

 

I found a large box of porn in my parents closet.

Not traditional porn though, more.. instructional. The only title I remember was "Becoming Orgasmic"


... yeah.