Since Scootah isn't around anymore the driving force behind the "social norms are BS, you are only jealous of your girl/guy fucking someone else because that's how society programmed you (or you don't have assburgers), read "The Ethical Slut" and get back to me" argument isn't thrown out as much lately.
Don't worry. Michael Corleone was a paragon of the virtuous citizen too, and then somebody tried to kill his father. And after ordering a few more killings, he turned himself back into the paragon of the virtuous citizen. What I'm getting at is, it's always the virtuous you need to be suspicious of. They're the ones with the farthest to fall.
Going with this theme, here's perhaps a more exacting question: How many of you have been in a relationship of ambiguous status and fucked someone else?
I've been the..."other guy"?...and have mixed feelings on it. As far as cheating in a relationship goes I have never done it and can't see myself ever doing it. That being said I'm about as scared of being tied down as is humanly possible so I don't see myself ever really committing to a relationship unless I was 120% certain that's exactly what I wanted. That kinda prevents cheating from being on the menu in the first place.
I'll never cheat on my wife, but I was pretty depraved before I met her. Where I work, cheating is ridiculously rampant. The number of guys I know who HAVEN'T cheated on their wives while overseas is much smaller than those who have. That said, it's just sex. I don't know anyone who has had another emotional relationship with someone. Just random flings in foreign countries, mostly out of boredom or simply because they could.
I have always applauded this place for its ability to intertwine ethics with such splattering discussions of hairbrushes and anal cavities. I for one have never cheated, but I have flirted slightly with waitresses / receptionist / apparently all people that deal in customer service and can't effectively run away. But if somehow I found the most awesome girl; the "soul mate" at that moment due to some cosmic arrangement of the stars that gave me the perception of a 15 year old, I would still not cheat. This is most likely due to Disney movies instilling chivalry, and painted phallic guilt on me at such a young age. Plus my current girlfriend got cheated on before and it somehow screws with girls really bad. Go figure.
Never cheated and unlikely to do so. I'm currently aspiring to date a girl in a different state. It's very, very early days, we aren't even dating (hopefully the key word is 'yet'), and there is absolutely no expectation of monogamy. In fact, when we discussed it briefly, there was much laughter at the idea. Last Friday I was out at a bar, met a girl, and went back to hers. About 3 seconds after she offered to blow me I thought 'what the fuck am I doing here?', made the politest excuse I could through my drunken haze, and walked to the train station for a multi-hour trip home. (As an aside, this would have actually been my first legitimate one night stand.) So, cheating isn't really in the cards for me. Apparently I can't do it even when it wouldn't be cheating and I have permission. My reasoning is flawed, but essentially I was thinking 'I like this person I could hook up with just fine, and the sex would probably be good, but there's no spark there, no potential for something more. And this scenario must happen to attractive girls, like the one I'm attempting to date, multiple times every time they go out drinking. Would I like it if the girl hooked up with someone just because he was there? No spark, no possibility, just doesn't matter had sex? That is most certainly her right, and I wouldn't judge her for it, but I wouldn't enjoy it very much. So, time to get the fuck out of this house before I do someone I regret.' And yet, I've spent years of my life with multiple simultaneous FWBs, so I'm not inherently monogamous. The difference is, with the FWB's I had no interest in the relationship progressing, and I wasn't overly concerned if it ended, so I had nothing to lose. With this new not-yet-relationship, I actually value it and don't want to fuck it up, which is the first time I've thought that in about 7 years. Just because I can see other people doesn't necessarily mean I should if I want this to work. To me, cheating is a sign that you give just enough fucks about your current relationship not to end it outright, but not enough to avoid doing something which could totally fuck it up. That said, I don't think cheating would be an automatic dealbreaker for me. It indicates a certain selfishness / weakness of character, but Shang Tsung knows I have my own selfishness and weaknesses of character in other areas (oh hello rampant drug abuse! Nice to see you again so soon). That said, I've never been cheated on, partly due to the women I date and partly because I've spent less than 2 years out of 28 in monogamous relationships, so I don't really know how I'd react if it came up. On the topic of being the 'other man', I've done it once or twice when I was younger, but I wouldn't do it these days. Here's the thing: I don't care about people I don't know. I honestly don't care if I'm meddling in someone's relationship, and I don't feel like I owe the other guy anything. (Assuming I don't know them. If they are friends their girlfriends are totally off limits.) I'm not advocating this as a character trait, and I respect people who are innately kind to everyone more than I respect my own somewhat sociopathic leanings, but I still don't care about strangers. However, one of the things I decided when I started to grow up a bit was to stop sleeping with people I didn't like. I've fucked a few people I didn't much care for, largely because I was fat and it was the best I could do/I needed the validation, but goddamn it fucked with my headspace and poisoned my attitude. Fuck that noise. Bottom line is it's hard for me to respect cheaters, not impossible, but hard, and fucking people I don't respect isn't good for me. Your mileage will certainly vary with that one, but it's true for me, and ignoring it has never served me well.
Okay, I admit it. I had a mistress for a long, long time during my marriage. It started out as a casual thing, maybe a few hours here or there on weekends, but then our time together began to grow steadily. I began spending more time with her than I did with my wife and kids and eventually brought her into my home openly in front of my family, because I couldn't bear a day without her. Yup, I cheated on my wife, and my mistress was alcohol.
Who said infidelity was a bad thing? I've said it on here before that I've cheated. I've done it a couple times, but the last time went on for a while--double life and everything. It was stupid and I hurt one girl very badly. Then I was cheated on. Comeuppance, I'm sure. Now, I'm engaged, and I'm with someone who I wouldn't cheat on--not because I couldn't get away with it (a weekend with my buddy in NYC would be all it would take), but because I don't have the desire to. I'm happy, satisfied, and I don't need to search for something else. Will that sentiment change over time? In a way, I'm sure it will. But by then I hope that we've continued to grow enough to be able to tell each other where things are lacking and work on it together. And she's the person I want to do that with.
When she caught you two together, did you suddenly start hearing some good old fashioned Bomchikabom-pornmusic playing while your wife joined the fun?
I've been on both sides of the coin. I like monogamy. I like knowing that The Husband and I are only intimate with each other. I like that intimacy, and I guess to a point that boredom - though I don't exactly consider it boredom. I also know, however, how hard monogamy is. I know how hard it is to make the conscious choice not to engage in sexual activity with someone you're incredibly physically attracted to. And knowing that, I have to admit that I fully expect, at some point, something to happen within our relationship. I hope to God that when that day comes, both of us say "No" to the temptation, but I know that temptation is there. Attraction to another person is sometimes intellectual, sometimes chemical, sometimes so primal that all you really want to do is throw one another against the wall and bang each other senseless then walk away and never interact again. I don't think saying "No I'd never ever cheat no matter what" is a completely honest statement. I think the honest statement is "I know it could happen, I hope it doesn't because I respect my partner too much to do it."
On balance I tend to agree with you, except for two situations. One, if it has been tested and cheating didn't happen it becomes a pretty honest statement. Or at least closer to honest. Two, for those who have arrangements that remove or reduce the concept of cheating it becomes even moreso (sicnevol has a version of this, Scootah did, I do, etc).
I know there are relationships whose definition(s) of cheating differ from the norm. I've considered it myself, but don't know if I can actually do it. I think it would go far to alleviate a lot of stress in many relationships - but that's where my selfishness and I guess insecurity come into play. I'm not keen on sharing, at this point in our relatioship.
They're definitely not for everyone and, for me anyway, was something that evolved over time. The key is communication, trust, and a realization that what matters is what works for you and your partner regardless of how other people structure their relationships. Which is why I don't advocate open relationships, polyamory, monogam-ish marriages, etc. It works for you or it doesn't. Maybe it works now and not later, maybe later and not now. Maybe never. Anyway, regardless of setup, whatever constitutes cheating in that setup is a violation and that sucks.
I think the communication as the relationship evolves over time is key. Though we're conditioned to expect fidelity in committed relationships, I have to wonder how manageable that really is long term.