Why should this woman be any different than all the women in your past? And your taxes? And the bar exam?
Whoa, take it down a notch there. I didn't come up with that number - I was quoting the documentary. And yes, I find it interesting that a political convention has all the strippers and escorts saying, "We see more cash per hour than we ever did when the Superbowl was here." That stat had no moral implications for republicans...just that politics are all about 'family values,' and that's the kind of thing that goes on behind the scenes. Ease up, no one was making a value judgement about the GOP. Back to the focus... Two points I want to make. First, I think your propensity for cheating or your views on it in general are heavily governed by how closely you equate sex and love. A few have made the point that an intimate relationship creates such a bond, how could you seek that with someone else and not erode the trust in your primary relationship? That's often the view of people who place a strong emotional value on sex. In my experience, those who can easily separate the two are more predisposed to open relationships or (in some cases) cheating. The lying and the deceit isn't something I agree with - but that could be applied to any aspect of a relationship. I don't think cheating is any more damaging than, say, a gambling problem or an addiction issue, but others may disagree. Second, my experience with men cheating boils down to this: they no longer have a physically intimate relationship with their wives/girlfriends/etc. I think men need sex/physical contact to feel loved in most cases (whereas with women, it's more common that they need to feel loved in order to feel sexual), and if the sex stops then they start thinking about their options. I don't think it's ever about their wives per se, but often if a guy is cheating it's a red flag that something's gone sour in his marriage. Another lesson I've learned over the years: if you aren't sleeping with your husband regularly, odds are someone else is.
I wouldn't do it. I couldn't. Because even though there was a guarantee that he wouldn't find out, I would know that what I was doing would be hurtful to him. To do that to someone who is special to you and a very important person in your life would seem selfish. And then I'd have to go home and look him in the eye, knowing that I did something selfish just because I knew I wouldn't get caught. No thanks. My sister is going through a divorce because of a cheating husband. She is someone that put up with it for years because he kept saying they would work on it. Seven years ago that led to him walking out on her and their two boys (7 and 9) so he could "go find himself." Which eventually led to her and the boys walking in on him and his new girlfriend at his new apartment. The next 6 years were brutal, she forgave him (AGAIN!), he didn't change and she finally had it about a year ago. But his cheating has had a domino effect on everyone in his family. My sister has trust issues and his boys hate him for what he did to their mom. What baffles me in their situation is that he cheated from the very beginning, so why stay with her? Why get married? He is the kind of person I just can't wrap my mind around. You are intentionally inflicting hurt on someone you supposedly care about. My sister is now just hoping to get through the divorce alive.
I wasn't suggesting that you actually do rub it in his face. I was suggesting that people can see others while remaining discreet rather than being obvious, hence providing the same "positive" effect of cheating (having sex with people other than your partner without essentially shouting it to the world that you're doing so) without the negative side effect of being a lying sack of shit. Perfect scenario of not being discovered aside, cheating is still bad, mmkay? You've still lied to your significant other, whether they are aware of it or not. The idea of what people don't know can't hurt them is such a moral cop out. Rereading your last bit, I think our problem is differing viewpoints. I think there is a difference between being loved and feeling loved. And if someone loved me, they would respect me and value me enough to tell me they want some strange before seeking it out rather than going behind my back on the assumption that I'll never know.
This is exactly what I do. I tried monogamy and It didn't work for me. I don't want any of the things a Long Term Relationship leads too. I don't agree with the concept of marriage, I never want kids, and I like doing my own thing. I've got a few guys I can call when I want to hang out with someone or bang, and they all know about everyone else. They're all free to find other women and come and go from the arrangement as they see fit. It works out well for everyone. I get laid as much as I like, no one tries to make me their girlfriend, I don't have to lie about long term goals, and we all wing-man for one another.
One time I thought about buying a PS3. I sobbed the whole story out to my Xbox 360. He listened in silence and didn't really say much afterward. We still play together so I think he's okay with it, but I think deep down he's pretty hurt. I feel terrible about the whole thing, mostly because I know I'm going to get that PS3 and he will definitely be in the bedroom. Things might be awkward for a while, but I think we'll all adjust.
Have I? Never. I have, although, "broken up" with someone via two missed calls, a voicemail and a text message at 3 in the morning to go and fuck a stranger. Would I? Probably not. My girlfriend and I are a great couple in that we compliment each other, have stellar sex frequently, make each other laugh, and take care of each other. My sole complaint in this relationship is she's not the fantasy, lingerie model, sex-obsessed lunatic the internet has conditioned me to search for, but then I am not the svelte, washboard abs Abercrombie model she's told to want either. I wouldn't cheat, not because of guilt or fear, but because I've yet to meet anyone that makes me think I'd be better off fucking them than my current girlfriend. Somehow that feels more comfortable, especially as more work goes into this relationship. I'm as relationship skittish as men get, and a huge element of staying in this relationship for so long has been sobriety. If I was drinking, and meeting new women every weekend, I would not be here now with her, for better or worse. Instead of drinking with our friends separately, we hang out together, which makes a world of difference. As much as I long for an open relationship, or at least a girl with some serious bi tendencies to introduce some excitement, I realize that I am too lazy to put in the work for one, both in terms of commitment and honesty. In terms of being cheated on, it's happened twice and both times it put an end to the sexual element of the relationship. The door closes when honesty dies, not just out of anger, but out of safety. I had a girl tell me to get tested as her way of admitting to cheating, and well...fuck that ever happening again.
I still regret that one time I cheated on my Ben & Jerry's ice cream with Breyers. NEVER AGAIN. Of course, Ben knows about my dalliances with Haagen Dazs, but I always come back so it's ok right?
For the most part, I'm a Ben and Jerry's kind of guy, except for when I find this: This is beyond anything ever.
Personally, this sort of thing isn't my bag. But I think for a lot of people, the answer is probably rooted in the fact that human being operate emotionally in a way that often is at odds with our rational beliefs. There are things that we might intellectually view as being acceptable, but when presented with them, we still experience a visceral emotional reaction. Consider, for example, your ex dating other people. Intellectually, that is clearly OK, and actually desirable for most people. However, at the same time, plenty of people when actually seeing their ex with someone else, will still instinctively react with "Look at that fucking asshole/bitch that she/he is with." There are instances where our emotional instincts have not caught up to our more "rational" mindsets, and significant others giving third parties the business is probably one of those. I'm not saying this is how everyone or even a majority feel, but there are a certain subset for whom the urge not to see it and an intellectual belief that it is acceptable or inevitable outweighs the implied dishonesty.
Not gonna full out defend it -- it's clearly not a nice thing to do -- but I think there's decidedly more blame on the person who is breaking another person's trust, than on the person who benefits from someone breaking someone else's trust. If I'm single, and I bang a girl, and I know she has a boyfriend but I don't personally know the guy, I may be complicit, but I'm not the one comitting the crime.
Have done it in the past, have had it done to me in the past, wouldn't do it again, nor would I keep the Wife around if she did. For me it's simple. Partially, having my son cemented the fact for me. I want him to be a better man than me, and if I am a cheating piece of shit, then that sets the bar pretty low. There is no way that I could look into his, or my wife's face after I've done that to her. Everyone who cheats, at some point, makes a conscious decision to hurt the one they're cheating on. I am huge preacher of taking responsibility of one's actions. Just my dogshit opinion, for what that's worth.
I have had the opportunities and I have never taken advantage of them. I would never cheat. But then, I simply ask my wife if I can sleep with another woman when I want to so it's not really an issue for me anymore.
This. I used to take liberties in relationships that I just don't take any longer. It's a combination of a personal moral code, immense respect for my girlfriend, the life experience to know the outcome, and the intestinal fortitude to do what's best in the long term. When I was single, I would hop in bed with a married woman or a woman who was dating someone without giving it much thought. It wasn't my doomed relationship, so I'm automatically absolved from any blame, right? The thing is, it's meddling. By being involved with someone when they are with someone else, I'm meddling in their relationship. Whether I like it or not, I'm meddling. I can't do that to someone. It's not my place.
I'm 25 and have cheated once. I was with my ex for nearly 4 years, 3.5 at the time of the story. We were on holiday in Thailand and hadn't had sex for about 1.5 years. Yeah, that was a pretty big indication that it was time to end things but that's a different story. I ended up going out to a mauythai event one night and met a few guys who were on the same tour group as me. Many beers later we ended up in the red light district and we all ended up hooking up with some thai prostitutes. I got back to the hotel at 06:30 that night and she knew what had happend and I lied; I denied it. I woke up several hours later and hated myself. It's the only time when I've ever really hated myself. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror and for the next couple of days I couldn't think of myself as anything but an utter bag of shit. Looking back on it and knowing that the relationship was doomed; hell, I knew that at the time, and I still realise just how much I would hate to cheat on someone or be cheated on.
I had the opportunity to cheat once and I regret not doing it only because I went to find that I got cheated on by said girl. I probably wouldn't do it in the future, because I'd feel guilty.
I never have cheated and never will. I don't see the point, if i am unhappy with the relationship i would end it. There have been a few times where it has taken all my will power not too cheat. 1. Friends with this girl(decent face, body was perfect), tried to sleep with her when my and wife(then girl friend) took a break, but she said she couldn't cause she had a boyfriend. Later when me and the wife(then gf) got back together and she wasn't with the boyfriend. I was over at her house we were watching movie/tv, she went and took a shower, and came back out with nothing but a towel on and stood in front of me and said"What do you think?" Took everything I had not to pull down the towel, if i pulled down the towel to take a peek, i knew i wasn't going to walk away. 2. One of my best friends had ex-fwb come into town with her friend(great face,perfect body), after we went out to the bars(i don't drink, but was high as a kite) we all ended back at his place. When everyone left, by buddy and ex-fwb went into his room, so i am left with the smoking hot girl. She starts rubbing my junk through my pants, i stop her. She said "got a gf?" i was like "yes", she was "does it really matter?" i go "yes", this goes back in forth for a bit then she was like "she really must be special". 3. I was at the video store and me and this girl(all's i can remember is that she was wearing a really short white skirt and had a killer set of legs) were both checking out the same movie(horror), we started talking and basically asked me to come back to her place and watch the movie because she was too scared to watch it on her own. I declined because i was dating a girl(not the wife) at the time(it was 4.5 years in). I got dumped the next day. I really really wished i went home with the other girl.