Well, I got one week in the books with the new baby, and I've come to realize a very important fact. I'm a fucking awesome dad. No seriously- you think YOU'RE a good dad? Fuck that shit, you don't know jack compared to me. I'm a bad ass dad. I'm a DADass! I should be put in charge of raising EVERYONE's kids. I'd do friggin' amazing, and everyone would be like "Ooooo BD, you are the best dad in the world- you should just go ahead and MAKE all the babies too while you're at it, you know, 'cause you're so good at the dad part. Here are all of your new vaginas to make babies with (truck backs in carrying 1000's of new vaginas)!" I should write a book. It'll be called "FUCK YOU, I'M THE GREATEST DAD IN THE WORLD AND YOUR KID WILL PROBABLY END UP AS THE STINKY KID IN CLASS WHO EATS PASTE AND NOBODY LIKES BECAUSE HE WAS NOT RAISED BY ME", by Blue Dog (forward by Drew Brees). You know how I know this? This is how I know this. The other day, I was able to change my first poopy-diaper while only dry-heaving once. I AM ALL THAT IS DAD. So while you all stand in AWE of my superior parenting ability, why not take this opportunity to drink yourself stupid in consolation? If it makes you feel any better, the End of the World is tomorrow, so you won't have to feel bad about it for too long anyway! The Wife and I are celebrating with a 6-pack of beer tonight. I told her that she's allowed to have one if I get the other 5. As you can see, I'm also a better husband than you. Suck it. (Serious note- The Wife and The Pup are doing friggin' fantastic, and thanks to all for your well wishes)
Well did you eat the afterbirth and placenta after he was born? Because that would make you a truly good dad...
I wish you were my dad, Blue Dog. Will you be my daddy? Picked up three bottles of Dogfish Head's new "Hellhound On My Ale" yesterday. Holy shit is that stuff hard to come by. The shops that have had it laugh at me when I call and tell me it sells out in hours. Yesterday, a shop told me he had two cases arrive in the morning, so I hauled ass over and nabbed his last three bottles. Trip to see friends this afternoon. My girlfriend's old office is throwing a Beer Friday in honor of our arrival where they raid the petty cash box and buy beer for the whole office. Then we go drink wine.
My 30 days of not smoking are up. It's foggy like a fucking horror movie out but at least the air is warming up. Going to transplant all my veggies in my raised beds while enjoying a nice fat joint at around noon. It's going to be excellent.
Anyone else planning on Tweeting, Facebooking, or calling into radio stations with fake stories of witnessing the rapture tomorrow?
This is going to be a bad weekend. I can already tell. I put the laundry in and decided that 28 minutes was the perfect amount of time to find a good porn and get down with it. Sad face. Nothing good, and the laundry is done. I have a 5.5 hour drive ahead of me. Who drives 5.5 hours to get drunk, sleep in a tent and freeze their nuts off, and then go white water rafting in the rain? Only smart people. Cheers to all the lucky ones celebrating May Two-Four this weekend. Have yourself a Prairie Fire (<a class="postlink" href="http://www.drinksmixer.com/cat/480/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.drinksmixer.com/cat/480/</a>) and think of me!
Amateur. Wait until the kid stops breast feeding or formula or possum milk or whatever you all are feeding him and he starts eating meat. Only then will you know the true horrors of poopy diapers.
I am doing this tomorrow. I don't know if this tops hooker's story, but I am flying thousands of miles to do it. Probably will embarrass myself due to my pitiful upper body strength and not being able to pull my fat ass over a wall, but good thing I won't have to be embarrassed for long. As I get sucked up into the heavens I will have one last laugh at all you sinners left behind. Gee, I hope there is lots of booze and David Beckham look alikes up there in heaven.
Here's a great way to start off your morning: Get a lecture on all the doors your law degree has opened for you. Yes, I'm so very happy that in addition to rejections from law firms, I can also be rejected from jobs at consulting firms and newspapers! This might be one of those before-noon drinking days.
My boss is going to be gone today, the rapture is supposed to be tomorrow, this is gonna be the best birthday ever! Now if only my softball game gets rained out. As far as tomorrow, why call into radio stations saying you saw the rapture, and just do what kuhjäger said in the other thread:
Such a good idea. Apparently other people had it besides Kuhjager. I wonder if you can buy blow-up dolls by the gross. Does Costco sell them?? They sell coffins for fuck's sake. I'm throwing an Apocalypse Daiquiri Pool Party on Saturday. If I am to meet my maker, or meet my doom, I might as well do it stinking of rum and half naked. Much like how I was conceived. If anyone's looking to kill a couple minutes reading about booze, here you go: The Papa Doble or Hemingway Daiquiri. Making these is one of the great joys of summer. Awesome drink.
Are your parents good Christian people? And if so do you have a plan in place to pay the bills after they ascend. We really don't want you to become homeless.
It's almost paid off, and there's more than enough money in the bank to cover the rest. Trust me, I've run through this scenario enough times in my head that if my parents were to suddenly be raptured, or in a car wreck, or struck by a bolt of lightning, I'm going to be okay, there's a plan. Now, if I die, my parents are screwed. That's what happens when you guarantee $180,000 in non-dischargeable debt. My life insurance has a value of about $755,000, but I left that to my brother. I'm such a terrible child.
They cosigned your student loans? No wonder you haven't been booted out of the house yet. This would explain why you haven't been smothered by a pillow in one of your drunken stupors, smart.