I run a disc jockey business, and after attending over 110 weddings for the entire duration of them, I have seen some freaky and amusing shit. -Overhearing the new bride telling one of her bridemaids how she plans on cheating on husband while on their honeymoon. -I have had a drunk woman take a full-on swing at me for not playing her stupid song (Our contracts say we will not play The Chicken Dance, Time of my Life, The Macarena, or Mambo #5 because I fucking hate, hate, hate those songs). I ducked. She fell. I laughed my way out of my tip. I groomsman piss off the diving board into the patio pool in full view of at least seventy people. He did not care at all. -Countless creepy, hammered uncles that ride bridemaid's asses like Zorro across the dancefloor all night. I think this just might be the same guy, and he plays this key role at every W.A.S.P wedding. -Incredible dance moves. And by "incredible", I mean "Impossible dance moves performed by drunk, priviledged white people". I gleefully watched some guy send himelf to Loosetooth City trying to do the Kevin Bacon Knee-Slide from Footloose, and slid face-first into the edge of the head table with the force of a hundred sledgehammers. Another idiot couple tried to do that stupid move from Dirty Dancing to that stupid song from Dirty Dancing and she basically body-pressed him into the VCT tile better than Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat ever could. Focus: What standout funny, disgraceful or shocking things have you witnessed/instigated at weddings over the years?
My sister got married a few months ago, and one of my parents' long-time friends got really drunk and tried to pick a fight with me, claiming that I used to bully his son when he was 8. That was 30 years ago. (And for the record, I never did. I smacked him a few times when he tried to steal my HotWheels, because he was a clepto, but that's not bullying). It was both entertaining and sad. On the plus side, my sister had a sense of humour, and all the centerpieces were Mr. PotatoHeads. Everything from Star Wars (Darth PotatoHead) to SpiderHead. It was quite funny.
I was at a wedding a few weeks ago, and the most shocking and disgraceful thing I witnessed was a cash bar. Come on people, splurge the extra grand for open bar. Some of the guests went as far as to smuggle in booze in purses and such and take advantage of the free soft drinks as chasers. I was appalled. It was still a good time, and gave me the excuse to stay sober and drive home that night instead of spending another night in beautiful and eventful Kalamazoo. Oh well, at least I made off with a $15 mini keg of bell's oberon from the actual brewery. Luckily, the next wedding on my agenda is for the oldest brother of one of my good friends. It's a well off family, so I am sure the wedding will awesome. Plus, a hell of a lot closer to my house.
At a reception, while out on the dance floor one of the guests slipped and broke a leg. I am so not kidding. Good luck? Bad luck? You be the judge.
I worked catering at a large Irish bar in Philly for a few years and one wedding stands out. First mistake, the groomsmen all wore kilts. They were all so drunk I was flashed during cocktail hour several times. One of the groomsmen decided to throw himself on a table I had just clears and try to body surf it across the room. That didn't work out too well. Second mistake a majorly drunk bride. She was so drunk I saw her fall a minimum of three times, once during cocktail hour, once on the dance floor, taking a guest down with her and at the end of the night she fell onto our bags of nasty tablecloths - also taking down another guest. But, I will say it was a fun reception, they had all of us lowly workers out on the dance floor with them, I loved those types of weddings. Also, I once attended a dry wedding. It was horrible, really horrible. The DJ sucked and when it came time for the father/daughter dance the father was no where to be found (turns out he was hunting down some alcohol), for about 10 minutes and the DJ just stood there, not playing music, waiting for him to show up.
I was the maid of honor at a wedding this summer, and it was a total shit show. After the wedding, we all got on a 26 person party bus WITH A BAR AND BARTENDER INSIDE OF IT. It was awesome. Three of the bridesmaids decided they needed the groomsmen's approval and were chugging SoCo out of the bottle. Needless to say, one of the bridesmaids was in the bathroom puking by 6:30 and passed out not long after. The second bridesmaid was inappropriately hitting on the bride's father and grabbing guys crotches. The third bridesmaid was found much later giving head to a groomsman in a closet off the reception (this bridesmaid ended up going home with a DIFFERENT guy and having unprotected sex with him while not on the pill). The groom is an arena football player, so all his friends are meat-head idiots. Needless to say (again), there was an all out fist fight at the reception that ended with a table getting flipped and glass shattering all over the place. The bride ended up calling me to her hotel room after the reception to help her out of her dress, because the groom was passed out on the couch after puking his guts out. She was bawling as I was using a pen cap to undo the 100 little button hook things on the back of her dress so she could get out. It was just sad.
This summer one of my cousins got married. As it goes with my family, everyone got plastered immediately courtesy of the open bar. One of my aunts walks up to her husband's brother Bob (the groom's father) and sits on his lap. She says "You're the handsomest man in the family and I've been meaning to kiss you all night." She gives him a big fat kiss on the lips right in front of Bob's wife and the whole table (which I was sitting at). Bob's wife already had a grudge against Aunt Whore, so needless to say it was a big issue. A lot of yelling, cursing, and accusations of cheating later, they stopped talking, and haven't really talked since. Aunt Whore's husband is a giant vagina so he said it was all in good fun. No one really likes them anymore.
At the time of 'the Event', I only recently started dating this girl and knew hardly any of the people she was friendly with. The wedding of a couple she knew would be my first sojourn into her group of friends. When we sat down for the wedding ceremony, I asked her who the groom-to-be was and she duly pointed him out. "Is he standing behind the flaming fag in the tux" was probably not the brightest thing to say in a packed church. Scorching looks and the "piston-elbow" followed from the girlfriend. Once the reception was a couple hours and a whole lot of liquor into the night, I had to go take a piss. Low-and-behold, here is Mr Gay Groom and his "best" man with their hands down each other's pants. I about-faced and walked back to my date to tell her the story. Naturally, she didn't believe me. Joke is on her though, since from what I heard, he split from his wife a couple months later to go shack up with some dude.
I have bartended wedding for many years and would like to thank you for not playing the "list" of forbidden songs, I would also recommend you add "I will survive" to your list as I do not need to see any more, never to be married, bridesmaids herd their clutch of bitter friends into a circle and scream the words to the song while assuring eachother they do not need men to survive. A few of my highlights are. -Groom pushing bride into pool at the end of reception, followed by his and her fuck you's and bride leaving by herself. -Bride, groom and wedding party showing up 90 minutes late for their wedding while 150 guests waited around.They also highered me to bartend and forgot to bring alchohol. -Groomsman taking a swing at my partner after we tried to retrieve a bottle of JD he had taken off the bar and started drinking out of
Not sure if this is the right place to post. If your ever on the internet and board....oh wait your on the idiot board, never mind. Just go to youtube and search "worst best man speeches". Hours of entertainment guaranteed!
How do you make a girl go woof? A wedding I was best man at several years ago stands out for one reason. The bridesmaid leant into a candle and set her hair on fire, she went up like a roman candle doused with high octane. I ended up being the one to talk her out of her exile in the toilets where she was sobbing her little heart out. I can be sweet sometimes. Even to girls who look like a singed panda and smell of burned dog.
The weddings I go to seem fairly normal, sadly. For my family, it's just an excuse to get drunk. My dad, my cousins, my sister, myself and many many many others get wasted beyond belief. Heck, if your family you rarely ever see came.. why not drink?! I witnessed a cousin's girlfriend giving him the glare of death the entire evening. I've seen that from quite a few women, but not as fierce as that. For a guy who used to be a player, she's seriously wearing the pants in that relationship. At the same wedding, I heard all the songs Crown Royal mentioned (ffs...) as well as Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy, Fishin in the Dark, Redneck Woman (Girl?), Whiskey for my Men/Beer for my Horses. I swear all those songs will be banned from the playlist if I ever get married. If. Then again, I'm not planning on sticking around in rednecksville, Canada for much longer anyways.
Why would anyone have to pay AT ALL even if there's a cash bar? Do what God wants you to do: smuggle high-octane booze in like any respectful adult. Then, order soda like an asshole from the overpriced bar all night, and don't forget to tip your server. Why do you think those pockets inside sportcoats are so much bigger than regular jackets'?
The DJ I hired didn't even bother to show up at my wedding last month. Luckily we had a violin and guitar player to do the music for the ceremony, so they stayed and covered dinner music while my friends went to Best Buy and bought a stereo. The cops showed up at 11:00 because one of the neighbors had called in a noise complaint My wife's dad was drunk when he walked her down the aisle We didn't do a father/daughter dance because she was so pissed at him
My Dad got in a fight with my Uncle at my Aunts wedding. Hooray for a family of borderline alcoholics. Though watching 2 forty-something year old men circling each other like they were gladiators would have been funny in any other circumstance.
A couple of years ago my best friend was getting married, and he was friends with my arch-enemy in high school. Wait, arch-enemy is the wrong word, we fucking hated each other. I cannot count on both hands how many times we used to beat the shit out of each other. I'd fuck his shit up, and he'd kick my ass the next time. Even to this day when I go home for a long weekend and he walks into the pub when I'm there, the owner will tell us both that one of us has to leave for fear it'll turn into the Double Deuce. We cannot get within 10 feet of each other without teeth getting knocked out. I know that I had three teeth replaced because of him, seven stitches from my lip to my nose, and he's had stitches, broken noses, and one tooth knocked out from me. This war has been going on for so long that I don't even remember how it started. You'd think that two dudes in their mid-thirties could just let sleeping dogs lie, and stop acting like two adolescents....... But its never even came close to ending. Nonetheless, my best friends soon to be wife had to sit me down and ask me not to turn her wedding into a fucking bloodbath.. And I of course realizing that this was her and my best friends special day, I was going to be on my best behavior. Cue mid-way into the reception and I am outside smoking a cig, when arch-enemies wife staggers outside for a smoke too. We exchange pleasantries, as I've known her family for years, and was at both of her sisters weddings as well. She's a nice chick, semi-hot, kinda dumb, but nice nonetheless. I have no idea how it happened, as I never thought in a million years it would ever happen, but she proposed that we go for a ride. Mind.Blown. This is the weird part. I didn't fuck her. Don't get me wrong, it would have been thoroughly cathartic to give my arch-enemies wife a facial, or fuck her up the butt, or just generally fuck his mind up by using her asshole as a proxy, but she had a specific request from me. She wanted me to beg for her pussy. Literally, like get on my knees and beg to fuck her. I don't have much experience with it, but I'm guessing she was a dom to some degree. Now, in my teens I've begged for sex before, all 16 year old dudes have begged their girlfriends for some sort of sexual favors. (Pleeeeese..... Pleeeeeeeeeese........Just touch it. C'mon,, PLLLLLEEEEEEEEESE..... Just put your mouth on it) This was different, I was a grown man in his late twenties pondering the humiliation of begging my arch-enemies wife for pussy, so I could hold it over his head for the rest of my life. (at the time all I could think of is 2Pac song "Hit em Up" where he says to Biggie "that's why I fucked your bitch") This was the ultimate trump card. Anytime I was around arch-enemy, I could just flash the trump card and tell him, "Oh, yeah motherfucker, That's why I fucked your bitch" Winner winner chicken dinner. I couldn't do it though. I just couldn't bring myself to beg for sex from her. To this day I don't know if I made the right decision or not. It certainly made it the weirdest experience I ever had at a wedding, and in the end I still get to lord it over arch-enemy that his wife wanted to bang me, and we made out, and I fingered her, and she gave me a handy.......... But it still woulda been pretty cool to cum all over her face.
Oh yeah, forgot (repressed) this one. We rented a photobooth for our guests, and my wife's dad took my grandma in there. I have a photostrip of my father-in-law kissing my grandma on the lips for 3 of the 4 pictures. Full on, holding her head, kissing her.
It would have been much better if you refused to touch her at all,I don't know why guys don't understand this stuff!