Why does anyone like me??

I live in suburban Pennsylvania, with spring approaching the pollen count is through the roof. Due to this (and bad genetics) I have horrendous allergies. (I can't be around cat's either) However the other night as I reached to the roll of toilet paper I keep on my night stand to began my trumpet like nose blowing, I noticed my wife didn't even stir. She also is a teacher and wakes up for me and throws away the used paper!!

Because of my terrible condition I get an awful itch in the back of my throat, to remedy this I stick my finger in my ear and make a loud roaring sound to try an "itch" the back of my throat.

It made me wonder how could she like a congested, nose blowing freak like myself??

FOCUS: What are your bad and or disgusting habits?? Is there anything about you that makes you uniquely gross?? C'mon the anonymity of TIB allows you to share!!!!

 

I have the worst gas out of anyone I know. It's one thing for a fart to smell bad, but it's an entirely different thing to drop a seemingly innocent one and clear a room out. My ass has been my worst enemy at times for years. In 8th grade, my math teacher called me "Stinky" for the rest of the year after I let one go during a test. I was sitting in the corner of the room and within 5 minutes, half of the class was in the hall and the rest were choking or gagging like someone sprayed mace in the room.

My mother distinctly remembers sitting in church one day with me and my siblings and smelling something awful. As we were all young (I might have been 4 or 5 at the time) and we were visiting the grandparents' dairy farm, she assumed one of us must have had cow shit on our shoes. All of the shoes checked out fine. Then she realized it was me, innocuously farting the entire time.

My girlfriend recently thought it would be funny to fart in front of me. Me being a gentleman, up until that point I had done my best to hold back any death clouds (which is extremely challenging). Yep, she learned her lesson.

This is my life:


If there is an upside, I can threaten my siblings on road trips to change the radio lest they want to suffer from my flatulent abilities. Oh, and I'm pretty good at lighting farts now. It's fantastic entertainment when you're sitting around a fire on a camping trip and working on a bottle of whiskey. It really impresses the ladies too...

 

Just this morning in the shower I blew my nose, belched, and farted a vicious dog fart all at the same time. It felt awesome.

The girlfriend wasn't impressed, and decided to wait until she got home from work to shave her legs.

 

I drink a disgusting amount of natural light, so its really a debate as to whether alcoholism is a habit or a disease I guess. Whatever the verdict, my wife still has to live with it.

 

I still suffer from some acne at age 20 - which is incredibly frustrating seeing as people parlay that into me not being a clean person - which is bullshit.

I do tend to have some serious sweat issues in the nether regions when I'm sitting down for long periods of time in a warm place. I guess that isn't totally abnormal, but I get really paranoid about it which makes it worse.

 

Here's what I don't get about people who constantly fart...(Not that there's anything wrong with it) But, what happens when you get home after a long day of farting? Do your boxers smell like day old fish? Does your girlfriend refuse you head because your balls smell like shit? Does your office chair feel punished?

Focus
I'm not a really gassy person but when I need to, I hold in my farts until people aren't around. As a result I have a little pent up air from time to time. Now, that stuff has to come out at some point so I can only assume that while I'm sleeping I sound like I have a small brass accompaniment under the sheets. None of my girlfriends have ever mentioned it but I'm pretty sure that I rock em out while I'm sleeping. Oh and I snore like a motherfucker. So there, I'm a snoring sleep farter.
Hot? You better believe it

 

My wife tells me that she can tell when I am beginning to wake up in the morning because once I start stirring I start farting. I fart whenever and where ever except at the dinner table. I'm not that disgusting. Other than that, I'm compulsively clean and neat.

 

When I was growing up I would pick my nose a lot. My computer desk didn't have a trash can nearby, and that was where I would do most of my gold digging, so I would just wipe the boogers underneath the desk and pretend like that erased them.

Well, it doesn't. When I went home for winter break, I scraped the underside of the desk accidentally with my hand and felt a bunch of bug-like things. Curious, I scraped my hand a little harder. This caused a torrential downpour of year-old dried boogers to fall on my carpet.

I am told that some people find this gross.

 

After 20 years, I'm pretty damn good at holding them back. This basically means you had better keep away from me any time I go outside (after class or work) because I let it all out at once and pray that a strong breeze picks it up. I can't control how much gas comes out of my digestive tract, but I can have some common courtesy and spare others.

So I don't constantly fart... I constantly hold them back. No, my clothes don't smell bad and my girlfriend sure as hell doesn't refuse giving me head.

 

Since most of the bodily functions have been taken, I'm going to use a bad habit of my personality that I've recently been made aware of. If I'm trying to explain something to you, particularly something that is obvious/easy to me, and I have to repeat myself more than once, I will quickly become a giant douchenozzle about it and act like you must be retarded to not understand my simple commands. For example, I was recently trying to explain how to do something on an iPod touch to someone, and it went something like this:

Her: "How do delete this email account on here?"
Me: "You can't do it from there, you have to go to the Settings."
Her: "What, like this? Where are the settings?"
Me: "No, you have to go back to the home screen and open the settings."
Her: "What? Where are these settings?"
Me: "NO THE HOME SCREEN CLICK THE BIG BUTTON FIRST FUCK"

Considering this person had only used an iPod touch once before, this was a bit of an overreaction. It's a good thing I don't work around young children.

 

Lies.

I also have an armpit sweat problem, however I only have it in ole righty. My left one is fine, but my right pit will just drain itself like a fat guy's forehead on a muggy day.

 

Definitely seconded, but I've known for a while. I have no patience with stupid people and those who cannot read. Trying to show my parents how to use an internet browser and gmail made me wish for a quick death, as it'd be less frustrating.

I'm also a sweaty one, though since I live in a hot country, this is largely forgiven. I'd be out of the shower and be covered in a sheen of sweat within minutes. Ridiculous.

I also pick my nose. I cannot stand the feeling of anything irritating my nose - drives me up the wall. If a nose hair gets bent the wrong way or starts falling out and stops, I will be in a foul mood the entire day. Fuck. Thinking of this is making me annoyed.

I also snork (suck snot out the back of my sinus down my throat). I know this is gross, but thanks to non-curable allergies (everything conflicts with my asthma medication), I have no choice. I try to not do this in the presence of other people, or pets.

I rip my nails, often badly. I've been told this is gross? I get hangnails constantly, so I rip to try to get rid of them, since they aren't pleasant.

I guess I have a litany of bad habits...

 

Me and a friend are having a bet on growing out our facial hair, winner getting $100. We look like we should be living under a bridge with all the other homeless people...yet, I have had the hottest hot streak i've ever had with picking up women. I have the ugliest, patchiest beard, and women love it. I really do not get it. But do I care? Hell no!

 

I insist on sex during that 'lady time' of the month. If the guy I'm dating doesn't like it? I don't care, we can do it in the dark in the shower. My hormones are raging and i HAVE to have it.

 

It thoroughly disgusts many to know I look into the tissue after I blow my nose. Not only do I need to see the contents of my snot, I make faces as well, mostly if it's a large amount. Such a face might be in the realm of "I didn't realize I was that stuffy!"

I disguise this under "Hey, I need to make sure there's no blood" but in reality, liquid mucus just needs to be examined. This is a bad habit I learned from my father's gavone family.

 

I sometimes get a pretty badly ingrown toenail that needs to be trimmed back. If I don't, my toe swells up. If I curl my toe while it's swollen, blood and pus erupt out of the side of my toenail until I take care of it. It's gross. For me, the best way to get rid if it is to take a pair of nail scissors and run the points down the side of my toenail until it catches on the offending part of the nail. I can pull it out and feel sweet relief. Of course, being a guy, I've had to resort to pretty sketchy stuff when my nail scissors were stolen/lost. I've used tweezers (which actually work as well if not better in some cases), a pocket knife, a razor blade (almost sliced my toe down to the bone) and at my low point, a steak knife.

I threw the knife away.

 

I'm kind of a dick. I don't mean that I go around being rude to everyone, but I routinely make off-colour comments with my friends, and affect an outward veneer of arrogance. Pretty much everyone I know has said to me, at one point, "How do you have a girlfriend?" My girlfriend, on the other hand, wonders how I was single when I met her.

Example:

Friend: [banter]
Me: [offensive banter]
Friend: Wow, does your girlfriend know about that?
Me: Sure, why not.
Friend: I'm going to tell her that, to see if it'll change her mind about you.
Me: Good luck.