One of the questions James Lipton asks on his beloved questionnaire is: if you could attempt one profession other than your own, what would it be? I'm going to add: and why? Alt focus: What would be your most hated profession that you'd never consider trying?
Network Administrator/IT Support. God that shit must emotionally draining. Entire organizations function and operate because you're running the servers and applications behind the scenes, but you still get shit money and shit treatment from the employees you help. Fuck that.
Alt focus: Proctologist. I deal with enough assholes in my day. Also, nursing. I do not have the empathy to be a nurse. Coroner, sure. But definitely not a nurse.
I'd never want to be President. You spend your entire life constructing a case for why you should be in charge of a bunch of shit that never works how it's supposed to, and even if you do a great job a bunch of people are going to hate you for no reason. Also, there's a greater than 2% chance that you Polio and like a 10% chance you get killed in office. And the pay isn't even that good.
It's an investment. Bill Clinton has made like 100+ million in speaking engagement alone since leaving office. Al Gore has done the same and he was well off beforehand. I couldn't handle imagine ever being able to stand any sort of job in the financial field. In general economics in interesting in that "well so that's how it works" kind of way. I took the required finance in business school, even though it had a similar effect and some of the personal finance stuff was insanely insightful, it bored me to fucking tear. Beyond the basics it got so dry and mind numbing it was hard for me to stay awake. I remember the chapter on stock valuations being particularly painful. When I heard these major bank execs were throwing booze soaked, coke dusted, hooker parties it didn't surprise me. If your job is that fucking boring AND you make a shit ton of money of coarse you're going to do crazy shit with it. It's human nature. It also didn't surprise me when you here a lot of these high level people have personality disorders. I also don't envy the police. One of best friends is an officer and the shit he has to put up with every, single, day, would be hard enough. Then there are the calls where a 250+ lb. black guy is trying to kill himself with a 10 inch hunting knife by stabbing himself in the neck and you have to tase him just to get him under control like my friend had to do (the guy was air cared and survived). Or when there was a high speed chase going the opposite way on the freeway. I'm cool bro.
And the job takes a hell of a toll: And in Obama's case that's after only 4 years. The recent ones do mostly seem to live into their 90s and I suspect W and Obama will as well (dunno about Bubba), but that's got more to do with access to the best health care in the world 24/7 than anything else.
Any door to door sales. I took a sales job without realizing that 75% of my day would be sneaking into office highrises downtown and knocking on random doors pitching copiers. I quit after a day because the thought of it gave me tremendous anxiety. Sales is one thing. I even had a job where I cold called all day. That was a bitch, but it wasn't like I was pitching The Watchtower to pissed off receptionists.
Focus: If I could do anything at all, I'd be a knight. My ancestors were knights and minor nobility in France, and I wouldn't mind taking up the old family trade for a couple of weeks just to appease my inner history buff. But since I figure this is limited to modern jobs, then I think I could dig running a freight train; I like big things that make noise. Plus trains are pretty bitching. Alt-Focus: Anything that would keep me inside most of the time. I don't mind messing around with computers on my off-time, but to have to sit behind a desk staring mindlessly at a screen for 40+ hours a week would kill me. Having to interact with customers in a retail setting, running a cash register, or god forbid working at a bank would fall in the same category.
I considered going to culinary school before I got into writing/teaching. I've loved to cook since I was in high school, and it was something I wanted to learn more about. I still think I have the skills for it, but it's turned into more of a hobby than anything else. Maybe I'll open a cafe when I retire or something. The one job I would never want is receptionist in a doctor's office. I worked for a doctor, and while my job was only a little horrible, the girl who ran the front desk had a nightmare job. I worked there for 6 years and we went through about 3 receptionists a year. Each woman stayed for about 4 months than either quit or begged to be moved somewhere else. You have to deal with every nutbag who comes in.
Focus: In my parallel universe, I'd like to do something in film - costume designer, set designer, music director (I might have just made that title up). The general why is because I love movies. I like that it's storytelling with a more visual aspect than writing. It combines a lot of my interests into one space. Instead of EGOT, I want to PEON (Pulitzer, Emmy, Oscar, Nobel) so hopefully I will write a screenplay one day and be able to worm my way into the dream anyway. Then, when I make my millions off of PEONing, I would be perfectly happy owning a bookstore that has a cafe and holds events and community meetings and obviously has a bookstore cat. I want it so much. But, I am in the unfortunate situation where I am artistically inclined but also care about money. So, I need to wait until I'm a bit more financially stable before going down that route. Anti-focus: I have no interest in and couldn't handle being in any medical field whatsoever. I can't even read people's grossout medical stories without feeling physical pain in whatever body part they're talking about and I get really woozy and nauseous. I can't deal with it. I'd be fainting and puking all over the place and constantly clutching at my nonexistent broken bones. No thank you.
I would want to be an astronaut or something to do with astronomy. I don't think think any explanation is needed. It's outer space. I believe it's all but certain there is intelligent life outside the Earth and I want to find it. Any job dealing directly with customers is what I dread. Mainly at the counter person level. I've done it before and I hope to never have to work behind a counter again. When I am standing in a line and I see some asshole giving a lowly counter person a problem I just want to rage out. Not everything goes right and sometimes you have to wait, deal with it. If you truly believe you have a problem then take it out on a manager, not a regular worker.
Focus: Clinical Psychologist, member of the armed forces, or chef, in that order. There is no connection between those three whatsoever, but in an alternative universe I would have followed one of those paths. Alt. Focus: Anything that has me working behind a cubicle, or anything involving math/financial services whatsoever. I don't care how well it pays; there are some things worse than hell, and that kind of job, to me, epitomizes those some things. In real life I'm a teacher.
I would of loved to join the Army. If I had my time again, I would go on holiday for a while after leaving school then sign straight up. I understand that it's not an easy job and there are parts that would be extremely difficult and frustrating but from the small parts I have seen and stories I am told by people in active service, I think the lifestyle and job role would suit me and I would be happy.
Alt focus: Most retail positions would make me lose my mind. I like people, but crowds really wear me down... and that's just from being part of them. If I actually had to smile and try to sell things to as many people as I could, I'm pretty sure my brain would just kill itself. I swear to god, having to working in one of these fucking things would be worse punishment for me than going to prison. And I'm pretty.
As much as I would like to slowly pour acid over James Lipton's head.... Focus Either a radio DJ or a production/set designer. I have a gravelly voice and doesn't sound great over a microphone, but it would be an easy and fun job. Set design is seomthing I have experience in a loved it, but there's no money unless you're at the top which is one in a million. Alt-Focus I've done flatroofing and that's the hardest job there is, but if I had to nix a job it would be a flight attendant. Those poor, poor people. Grossly underpayed, unpredicatble work schedules, working for cheapskates and dealing with the AB-SO-LUTE-LY most repulsive people in the world: fat, drunk, white tourists who start off every conversation with "Hey, you speak english??!" they do that horrid-looking job always smiling, always working hard, never snapping on any assholes basically I've never seen a rude one that I remember. If you ever want to see a person smile without using their eyes, look at those people during their jobs.
Focus: South/Central American Revolutionary. I would start out at age 10, wherein I killed a small child with my bare hands. His blood pouring over my face as I drank in his essence to absorb his power. A bit much at a McDonalds, I admit, but you have to start somewhere. And the merry-go-round as Grimace grimaces seems as good a place as anywhere to start. Of course, horrified, my parents would immediately send me to a military academy to 'straighten me out.' Naturally, this is all part of my master plan. I would learn military strategy, weapons, politics, and how to bake the perfect cupcake. Clearly I would get 'honors' in Home Ec. I would engage in several nefarious affairs with the Provost's family, starting with his sweet, oh so sweet, wife. I would work my way down to his beta fish. An artist has to suffer for his art. Upon graduation, I would threaten my CO with his affair with the demo dump night guard into a posting in Panama. I would work those lochs like it was my job, quietly creating contacts on the dreaded tequila circuit. Drug running would become necessary, though I would never sample the merchandise. When you're starting a revolution, a clear head is key. After a run in with an overzealous supply officer, whom I bound and gagged and tossed half in the Atlantic and half in the Pacific (for balance's sake) I would disappear into the Jungle, like Samuel L. Jackson in 'Basic.' Therein, I would meet the politically correct native inhabitants. Then promptly inform them that their political correctness was silly and stupid and teach them the writings of George RR Martin, James Joyce, and Ann Coulter. Meeting up with Marty McFly and Doc Brown, I would travel into the far off year of 2012, buy as many AR's (because I invested in Apple in 1982) as I could have shipped on a Chinese freighter filled with Asian slaves (whom would also be co-opted into service under the guise of forming a strike era hockey team for the NHL), and begin getting a bit serious about taking over a small nation. During a vicious game of 'Twister,' it is revealed that Peru will be my target. Though I fixed the game, because 'Peruvian' sounds like a type of soup or wallpaper, thus throwing off any potential tails, I adopt my cat's title: 'Village 'The Hammer' Idiot, Holy Roman Emperor, the Rock, the Hard Place, and the Enforcer of the Word of our Lord God.' WIth a name like that, how can I lose? I keep the cat. Using my drug money, I co-opt any potential democracy, and convince the population that Obama is actually Peruvian and trying to take over the country. I give the Most Stirring Battle Speech(tm) of all time, and send them to Mexico to recover American hostages so that we can sell them off. I then walk into the Presidential Palace and sit on the throne, telling the help that I'm in serious need of some biscuits. And that, my pretties, is how you take over a country. Jobs I would not do: Pretty much anything that requires me to be nice to people. In other words, everything but being a revolutionary.
I'd really have liked to be a half foot shorter and able to fly fighter planes. Looked into the military in high school but as soon as the words "too tall to fly" were said I was out of there. Would have satisfied the thrill junkie in me.
I love what I do, and I'd likely end up doing the same thing again if I had to start over. But, the idea of culinary school or acting sometimes runs through my head. I'd also love to be a writer. I could never do sales. My father is an absolutely brilliant salesman and has been incredibly successful in the financial field. Me, I su-diddly-uck at it because sadly, that shit is not genetic. As soon as someone says no, I just say "Okay!" and walk away. Apparently, that's wrong.
I'd do something sports related, perhaps journalism, or working with as a media manager with a specific team. One of my closest friends is doing that right now, and I'm a little jealous, because it seems to be the perfect job for him, and it would be for me as well. Can't believe it's something I didn't go for to start with, to be honest.