This might not be about what you're talking but I haven't had sex with someone I truly loved in, I'm guessing, 12 years. I've had some one night things but had quasi relationships with women about whom I care and to whom I'm attracted. Just "it" wasn't there. I guess the disconnected part comes in in that I'm enjoying the sex and being with someone I like but not with someone for whom I'm one hundred percent there. And this ended up being a very depressing thought.
Focus: The act itself. Scent, sight, smell, sound, the feeling of yourself inside her, everything. And if you can both come at the same time, or hell even just end on a high note, that's great, and I also like it long when it can happen. There's also depending on how rough or soft you are fucking, if that makes any sense. I find soft sex is only nice with romantic partners, rough is good for all times. Call me crazy. There's something great also about willingness; if you have ever had sex with a hesitant but "r-ready" partner, it's like copulating a Faberge egg. Anyway, I guess my best boiled-down answer would be the work of it, so to speak. Alternative Focus: Shriekers. Look, noise is nice & I love it, acting like I jammed a white-hot poker up your ass and making my eardrums ring like a bell isn't. The first time I was with a shrieker and she came, I bit the back of her neck just to make her stop it. She thought it was part of my repertoire and then just went into the normal moans, but holy shit we're in an apartment and people have to sleep and you sound like a leopard dying in a wildfire. Didn't help that I was also doing this at a party after most everyone else was passed out supine on the rugs, tile and couches there. Could've been I was 22 and just not wanting to wake up everyone, but it makes me wary.