Here goes... TV: Because TV, that's why. Computer: Again, pretty obvious Modem: So the computer isn't a paperweight Hot Water Heater: Because fuck taking cold showers...ever. Fridge and oven: $100/month isn't much, but I'll need food and need to cook what I've got. Two plates of whatever food I want delivered once a day: Because $100 worth of food isn't much per month, this will compliment that nicely and allow for an amazing variety ("Why yes, I'd like a jelly donut, with all the jelly sucked out and replaced with M&M's, then baked for 20 minutes.") Home Bar: If I'm stuck somewhere for a decade, I'm drinking well, dammit. Sasha Grey: Enough said. She's smart and hot and seems like fun--sexy stuff aside. 60 Year Old Asian Lady: So she can cook the stuff in the fridge and teach Sasha how to do all the amazing shit in bed that she knows how to do. Puppy: Because ten years is a long time to not play with a dog. Dogs are awesome. For the record, this scenario is so much better than my life is right now.
Computer rig - At least 80% of my waking hours are already spent in front of a computer, so this already is replicating my existing life. Modem - Of course, that 80% is only because I have the internet. Books - This is self-explanitory. Especially with the next choice. Opinionated Woman - Hell, just switch 'blonde' with 'brunette' and you've nearly described my ideal woman. I'm sure they meant the 'slightly Feminist' as a drawback, but I like my women that way. Garden - Need some space to move around in. Gun - Poolboy's gotta go. Hot Water - Do you know how long my normal showers last? Exactly the period of time it takes for the hot water to run out. Yeah, I'm gonna need this. Fridge & oven - I'll be honest, this kind of seems like a trap choice to me. $100 per month of food is hardly enough to buy the things that you would need a fridge for in the first place. I suppose if you could break it up into $25 per week deliveries that's enough for meat and vegetables. Two plates of food - Between that and the fridge you're set for meals. Japanese Schoolgirl - Gives me a goal to work toward during my 10 year confinement: Successfully convincing both of the women to embrace a poly relationship. I thought about the bench but like others said, between the garden, pool, and improvising weights there's enough to work with to stay in shape. I don't know who Sasha Grey is, so maybe I should do some research and see if I want to switch out one of the women for her. I'm not a very heavy drinker so I can give up the booze. The biggest sacrifice is the puppy.
This doesn't really sound like a punishment to me. 1. and 2. Computer and internet: The internet will give me TV, movies, music, entertainment, and I can keep in touch with friends and family. I can watch movies and write. It pretty much solves everything. 3. and 4. Books and movies: Doesn't sound like I'll ever be bored. 5. Backyard: I can still hang out outside AND I get a pool? Sounds better than my apartment. Plus, I can bang the poolboy. 6. Fridge and oven: $100/month is rough - I spend about twice that in a month and I already have to budget. But I like cooking, it will help pass the time. Choosing between this and the delivered meals was one of the harder choices, though. 7. The bar: I don't think this needs to be explained. 8. Puppy: Because puppy. Although, I'm a little bummed it's a German Shepard. I guess you have to make sacrifices somewhere when you're in maximum security prison with a pool. 9. Hot water: Because ten years without a hot shower actually does sound like prison. And would I seriously have an unheated pool? I'm in jail but I'm not a hillperson. 10. This was the hardest choice for me. I wanted to pick someone for company, but I'm still not really sure of my decision. It was between someone I knew that would go crazy, the white girl they described, or Sasha Grey. Mental illness really scares me, especially schizophrenia, so I think that's out because it would upset me way too much. Now, the white girl sounds like someone I'd probably get along with, but what if I didn't? With Sasha Grey, at least I'm already familiar with her personality, but I haven't decided whether I like her or not. BUT we could have sex. Who knows about the other girl. However, there's always the pool boy so I'm going to choose the white girl.
Obvious: 1. Water heater. 2. Modem. 3. High-end PC, webcam+headset+other stuff. Hot water is a must. Between Internet, emulators, Skype, word processor, torrents, eBooks, etc - you'll never need half of the other shit on the list. Life Balance: 4. Barbell + bench. Wish it had some safeties though, I don't fancy crushing myself going for a new PR. Squatting would be tough, but I'd figure something out. 5. Fridge + oven. If the gruel literally "tastes of nothing," my taste buds would die off. Plus I want some nutrition more than the bare minimum. I'd teach myself to cook while I was at it. 6. Garden. To prevent cabin fever and reconnect with nature. 7. Home bar. To prevent sobriety and reconnect with the floor. Social (staying sane): 8. 22 y/o blonde. The risk is obviously that I grow to hate her. Not only am I up No Sex Creek without a paddle, but I would have no one to talk to. (I was considering taking Mark Twain as well, but not only would he probably start fucking her, there's only one bed.) 9. Asian lady. I'd teach her to spot for me too. And the last one... Sasha Grey. Cause fuck it.
1. The booze. I don't do any other drugs these days, and there is no way I'm going to spend ten years sober. Even convicted murderers get a beer with their last meal. 2. Sasha Grey. 3. I initially thought of adding the blond, but there's just too many ways I can see that ending in disaster. The fact that she speaks three languages means nothing to me, we only need one to communicate. Since she's 'sightly' feminist my chances of getting a threesome are slim to nil. Highly opinionated could be great or terrible depending on her personality. What if we don't get along? How is she going to get along with Sasha? Ten years of cat fighting? I don't hate myself enough to deal with that on a daily basis. Give me the Japanese girl. Sure, it will be awkward the first couple of months, but it won't take me too long to learn the conversational basics. Or I could just make her learn English since that's what me and Sasha are speaking. A porn star plus a Japanese school girl? That bedroom would know zero limits. 4. The two plates of food. Unless I loaded up with Raman noodles on the $100 of groceries I'm going to end up eating the gruel anyway. Might as well dine extravagantly. 5 and 6. Internet plus modem. Offers more entertainment than any of the other options. I can always download books and movies. Skip the phone because I can just skype with people. 7. The puppy. If you don't love dogs you have no soul. 8. I thought of going with a great conversationalist like Hitchens or something I know in real life, but schizophrenia is way too awkward and creepy to put up with for five years. Judging by his aphorisms and the color in his writing Twain would be fun to have around. 40 isn't that old though, so he's a threat to usurp my position with the women. Wait, who am I kidding? Sasha is a whore and is going to sleep with both of us either way. 9. The garden and pool. I'll need the space and pool to exercise so I don't get fat sitting around the whole time. I have no use for the pool boy so I might kill him. I'll see if he's cool or whatever. 10. The five video games because again, I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands. I originally planned on adding the Asian lady so I could be really lazy, but with the food already prepared, how much use do I actually have for her? Besides, we're still not talking about a lot of space to clean.
This actually took me quite a while. I don't think one person would be enough to keep me from going crazy over 10 years...a few may be more interesting. 1) 200 yard^2 garden with pool & pool boy 2) Fridge and oven w/ $100 of food delivered monthly 3) Home bar – 30 bottles wine - 10 spirits – 5 kegs restocked monthly 4) German shepherd puppy named Boxxy 5) Sasha Grey 6) Generic 8/10 Jap schoolgirl, no English 7) 1 oz high quality MJ with papers & lighter, monthly 8) 30 pure MDMA pills & LSD tabs, monthly 9) Hot water heater 10) 50 inch LCD tv w/ 100 channels The pool boy and I are going to get drunk as ****** and discuss whatever the hell he's into/gets into. Sasha Grey, the pool boy and I are going to teach that Jap girl English - and sooo much depravity. The hard drugs are for recreation, the MJ and alcohol are for just getting through the days. Most of the time will be spent playing in the garden. Poor people live off less than $100 a month - we can too. Supplement with the gruel. Puppy cause no way I'm not picking a puppy. Adds a good dynamic for when one of my crew wants to spend some cuddly time alone. After more thought than I like to admit I had to drop Mark Twain at 40 as my drinking buddy (over the pool boy) for a hot water heater. 10 years and those women are going to need some cleansing. I didn't go with the internet/smartphone because I think having one link to the outside world for that many people would make the overall situation less sustainable. As is I think we'll be a very maladjusted - kinky - drugged up bunch at the end of it. Such is life.
1. 30 books--I cannot live without books(to quote Jefferson). 2. Water heater--Because 10 years of cold showers sounds terrible. 3. Mark Twain--Because he's fucking Mark Twain. 4. Tyra Banks--Everything any/everyone said about her being annoying is perfectly valid, but I've wanted to sleep with her since I was 12. I figure 10 years gives me enough time to...waitaminute, Mark Twain is SO going to cockblock me. FUCK....I hadn't thought of that. Changing #3! 5. One pen + refills--My Manifesto will be legion. 6. Two plates of any dish--If I'm going to get enough "gruel" to sustain myself this will feel like a treat. 7. Home bar--I don't think I need to say anything here. 8. 19-inch monitor + $2000--A computer of some sort 9. Modem--See #8 10. Barbell and Bench--Should come in handy if I ever want to murder my captors when they bring me in gruel. New #3--Garden with pool. I'll pretend I'm rich.
A lot of you are picking the puppy - you do realize that German Shepherds are big, very intelligent and like to be very active...and don't even try to tell me the dog will get enough exercise in the 200yard garden, with the pool taking up one half and your hippie garden the other half. I would choose: 1. Hot water - I did not come to America from Eastern Europe to be showering in cold water. 2&3. Computer and modem 4. Books 5. Garden 6. Once a day meal of your choice, 2 servings - this is so much better than the $100/month food some people picked - you don't have to cook it, and can be from much more expensive ingredients. 7. Bar The hard part is picking the people. I would be able to survive such close quarters with probably only 2 people I know - one is my husband, and the other one is my college roommate. But I'd hate for them to get schizophrenia, just because I decided I cannot possibly live with anyone else. So I'd just have to Skype with them to help keep my sanity, and devote my 10 years to an amazing plan I have devised. 8. Tesla - who apparently was celibate and in love with a pigeon 9. Mark Twain - Tesla's good friend 10. The blonde girl. I would have 10 years to get Twain to wingman for Tesla, and then he and the hot girl could have some cute and smart babies. Of course, they would all have to sleep outside in the garden, because there is only one bed, and that bed is MINE.
Honestly, I would seriously challenge anyone to spend 10 years in cell with any woman and not want to kill her or commit suicide. I don't care how enamored two people are with each other, eventually everyone gets sick of everyone and someone must leave one way or another. Not saying it to be macabre but thats life. However 10 years in a cell with a good dog would be chill. My list: 1. TV 2. 2 plates of whatever. Anyone whos worked at a camp for summer can understand what gruel is and how it fucks with your spirit. I'm guessing I would like ribs or sushi occasionally. 3. Aderall, I'm highly ADHD and am worthless/ hate myself when I'm not on my meds. I need my meds. 4. Sasha Gray, blonde sounds like fun, but I'm sure she'd get on my nerves quick, not because I don't like smart woman, I love smart woman, but I'm very opinionated myself. Healthy conversation is good, bickering bad. I imagine it'd devolve into bickering. 5. Booze, no explanation needed. 6. Puppy, dogs are amazing, like I said above, if I'm gonna be stuck in a cell I'm going to need mans best friend. 7. Yard, the dog needs space 8. Water heater, ever live without hot water? It sucks 9. Weight bench 10. Good food for the dog (not on the list but fuck it)
And that is why you need a garden outside your cell. I don't know, girls don't smell nearly as much as large dogs do. Plus, they provide benefits of the adult nature. But to each their own, I guess.
I don't know if you know this but girls stink as much as guys do. Give a girl a week without showering and you'll see.
Yeah, but the presence of the girls doesn't mean they'll consent to sleeping with you. The dog... well the dog can't SAY no.
...go reread what I wrote, I'll wait... (I was talking about girls smelling better than DOGS. I hope we can all agree on that.)
I choose all the food options and all the girl options. If those girls are going to be forced to have sex with me out of boredom, nothing's stopping me from being as fat and unappealling as possible. And Boxxy too.
1. Books. Because books. 2. Dog. Because dog. 3. Garden Outdoor space, swimming, room for the dog to play, gardening, etc. 4. 2 plates of food With this, I can get any burger, pizza or sandwich I want, making those other food options irrelevant. And I can blow over $100 of food on two plates of food a day without thinking, so this choice is a much greater value over the fridge/oven option. 5. Water heater I think I would get used to cold showers over 10 years, but there is also a pool to consider. Fuck cold pools. 6 and 7. Computer/Modem As noted by others, a computer with internet can get me movies, TV shows and video games, plus all the other wonders The Internet contains. The 3 GB limit could be an issue, but the books would be my first choice of entertainment anyway 8. Bar Because booze. 9. Punching bag, etc. This and swimming would personally be preferable to barbell weights for fitness. 10. 10/10 blonde white girl Pass on the schoolgirl. Food is generally taken care of, and also my cleaning and cookings skills are just fine, thank you very much old asian lady. I would need the gun after a year of Tyra Banks, so that would be an inefficient choice. White girl can teach me her different languages, and is described as 10/10, would bang again. Good enough for me.
Books Backyard/Pool Water Heater Weed Booze Weight Bench Computer/Modem Two plates of food Opinionated woman Tesla- The dude seriously is one of my heroes, one of the greatest Americans and I want to know the design for his static machine that J.P Morgan dismantled.
The blonde because I like blondes. The Asian woman because I want a cook and some variety. The Japanese schoolgirl because, again, variety, and while I'm busy with the blonde the 60 year old Asian lady can teach the schoolgirl. Sasha Grey because she's a nasty freak. Tyra because, even though she's annoying, there are no other women on the list. Hot water, computer, the magic food thing, the yard, and the books.
1. Water Heater. Fuck cold showers. 2. Yard/Pool. Fuck no sunlight for 10 years. 3. TV/Cable. For sports. 4. Samsung Phone. Also covers the internet, books (Kindle app), and porn bases (yeah, phone internet isn't ideal, but better than wasting TWO spots on a computer and modem) 5. Any Food I Want. Seriously, how does this not make all the other food options irrelevant?? Am I missing something? 6. Puppy. Self explanatory. 7. Barbell/Weights 8. Booze 9. Blonde Model 10. Sasha Grey The idea is that #8 will encourage #9 to get friendly with #10.
So nobody would pick some of the greatest intellectuals of the day? Bah. It’s 10 years of your life – would you like to emerge a little wiser, or discuss the greatest questions of the universe --- or emerge having been long tired of fucking Sasha Grey and still stoned? Well, my honest answers: Dickens. Twain. Tesla. The 10/10 blonde (I would have to agree she’s a 10, right? IE not the one in the picture). Who knows what creative pursuits we’ll engage in there. Or we may go at each other’s throats. But I think other people, though extremely annoying, are ultimately the best entertainment. Y’all seriously want to be in solitary confinement for Sasha Grey for 10 years? You do realize that after you’ve blown your load in her a couple times, she will still physically exist in the room for the next refractory hour? Have you ever heard Sasha Grey give an interview? They’ll probably find her rotting corpse in the room with you after 6 months. The 2 plates of food totaling 4 lbs (other foods options are garbage – hello Kobe beef, truffles, and whatever the greatest minds of the 19th century can think of). The internet, computer to go with it, and the 30 books every 3 months (virtually unlimited supply). Pen and paper (I’m assuming we can also write on the books, why the fuck not). Google Voice and/ or email basically replaces the phone. Wow I get one whole choice left? That would either leave the weed or booze. The booze seems more varied – it can be used for cooking. You can round out meals with a hearty beer like banana bread stout, or a heavy wine. That, or the any living person with Schizophrenia after 5 years. Penelope Cruz. Heidi Klum. Jennifer Lawrence. Pornstar Nessa Devil. Maybe another intellectual. Maybe Obama or a top level CIA guy so we can figure out what he knows. Hell even with a mental disorder, they would be no worse than Sasha Grey.