Adult Content Warning

This community may contain adult content that is not suitable for minors. By closing this dialog box or continuing to navigate this site, you certify that you are 18 years of age and consent to view adult content.

What are you going to do about it?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Nettdata, Aug 2, 2011.

  1. TX.

    TX.
    Expand Collapse
    The Mad Pooper

    Reputation:
    421
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    2,724
    Location:
    With Waylon, Willie and the boys
    Herds of people who walk slowly. I don't really care until they're taking up the width of a sidewalk, hallway, whatever, and I can't get around them. This drives me crazy. I love people who walk 3-abreast and are aimlessly shuffling with absolutely no purpose. I want to yell at them to pick up their feet and fucking WALK. I have places to go. This isn't a fucking Sunday stroll at the park.

    Punishment: A Garmin would be surgically attached to their body. Whenever they fell below 4.0 mph an electric shock would go off until they sped up.

    Also, people who don't have basic class etiquette. I stand away from the mirror at my Yoga studio because if I'm in the front row I start performing, and that's really the antithesis of what Yoga is about. At my place, the back row fills up first, then the middle row, then the front row. I usually find a spot in the middle one. People who don't understand the concept of staggering really irritate me. Every so often some clueless person will come and put his/her mat smack-dab in front of mine while there there are literally feet of space on either side of their mat. They could move 6 inches either way and it would allow a clear sight-line to the mirror so that other people can actually check their alignment and correct. Instead, this person is in front of me, usually so close that they're kicking my face and I can't go back any farther or I'll kick the person behind me. Instead of pausing to inch their mat up or over a little bit they keep going as if they are boxed in on every side by another person.

    This turned into a lengthy rant, but it drives me crazy. I used to teach 6 year olds who automatically staggered their lines. If a 6 year old does it on his own, why can't an adult?

    Punishment: Every time they go into downward facing dog someone kicks them in the face. Every time they go into a plank someone sits on their back through chatarunga and upward facing dog. Every warrior pose brings someone punching genitalia.
     
  2. effinshenanigans

    effinshenanigans
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    145
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,950
    Location:
    CT
    Farting on the fucking train (or in any closed public space).

    Listen, I of all people understand that sometimes there's just no stopping a fart that has to come out. But there's a difference between the little emergency fart and blatantly filling a space filled by other people with a haze of ass belch. If you know that it's going to become a problem, at least make an attempt to move yourself as far away from other people as possible instead of carpet bombing the innocent.

    Punishment: When proven to be the one who continually dealt it--Dirty Bronson from a Homeless Guy. For the uninformed, a Dirty Bronson is where you shit into a tube sock and beat someone in the face with it.
     
  3. Misanthropic

    Misanthropic
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    410
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    3,234
    People who park their obnoxious and/or fat asses on stairs in a public area. Stairs are for traveling between two differing elevations, not a place for you to while away the time, impeding those of us who actually need to use the stairway for its intended purpose.

    [​IMG]
    Get the fuck out of my way, you emo loser.


    I think kicking them down said flight of stairs would be a suitable punishment.
     
  4. Omegaham

    Omegaham
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    3
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    879
    Location:
    Oregon
    I've done this a couple times. I'll qualify that by saying that I go in during times when no one's around, so I don't think I've fucked up anyone's workout. I definitely need to do more research on working out, but there are times when my Workout Guide (tm) says Flatbar Curls, and the only spots for that are the bench and the squat rack. If the gym has other people in it, I usually go to another room and do them with the deadlift bar. No one's gotten mad at me or even scowled / frowned at me doing it.

    Focus:
    People in airports who start crowding your ass when they're trying to get off the plane. No, they're not about to miss a flight. They're just impatient and can't comprehend the fact that if you're in 25F, you're going to have to wait a while to get off the plane.

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Nom Chompsky

    Nom Chompsky
    Expand Collapse
    Honorary TiBette

    Reputation:
    68
    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2010
    Messages:
    4,706
    Location:
    we out

    Once, I had an hour or so to kill in a largely residential neighborhood. Rather than wander aimlessly looking for a coffee shop, I decided to take advantage of the nice day and just read my newspaper on some steps. I figured if anybody came out, I would have ample time to stand up and get out of their way, plus I was dressed nicely enough that I didn't look homeless. Bonus!

    At one point I felt somebody reading over my shoulder, but because I didn't hear the door open I thought nothing of it. After about 5 minutes of this feeling, I looked up and to my left, and on the step next to my face, angled towards my article, was a giant NYC rat. It scurried away, no doubt upset it didn't get to finish reading that expose.

    Anyway, that's a pretty good deterrent to sitting on steps, if you ask me.
     
  6. silway

    silway
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    76
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    1,052
    Actual Law - People who tailgate. Fuck you. Nothing makes me want to slow down more than someone who tailgates. Punishment? Put a limiter on their car so they can't go more than 45 mph. Or make them automatically have to pay for damages if the person they tailgate suddenly slams on their brakes. Or both. Fuck Tailgaters.

    Non-Law - You can walk slowly or you can erratically zigzag. You are not goddamn allowed to do both. This drives me nuts every single day of my life. I work in the Prudential Center and have to walk through it and Copley Place to get to the train every day and fucking slow moving drifters always *always* get in my way. Punishment? Leashes attached to lines along the concourse. Like those dog lines to allow some movement without letting them get away. Keep these fuckers confined to specific walking areas.
     
  7. Nettdata

    Nettdata
    Expand Collapse
    Mr. Toast

    Reputation:
    2,863
    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2006
    Messages:
    25,733
    INFRACTION: Along the same lines as the airline one above, those that sit at the back but feel it's OK to put their luggage in the overhead racks in the front of the aircraft. This means that if/when I'm in the front seats, there isn't space for me to put my luggage.

    PENALTY: Give the terrorist hunters some practice. Blow that shit up on the tarmac beside the aircraft for all to see.
     
  8. Gravitas

    Gravitas
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,905
    Location:
    somewhere vaguely rapey
    Offense: Throwing a dirty diaper anywhere but the dumpster.

    Punishment: For every dirty diaper that you throw on the ground your punishment will be "shit-for-hands". You must spend 24 hours locked in your house with your hands covered in diarrhea collected from the local hospital. If you do not accept your punishment or try to wash off the fecal matter you will be shot in the kneecap.

    Offense: Throwing a cigarette butt on the ground.

    Punishment: For every cigarette butt you throw on the ground you will be strapped down and your mouth will be used as an ashtray.

    Offense: Driving at the same speed as the car in the next lane making it impossible for others to pass.

    Punishment: For every car that you impede you will be forced to spend 24 hours in one place. The exact time and place of this seclusion will be unknown to you and will be at the complete discretion of the one meting out the sentence. You may be in your bedroom or you may be in a gas station bathroom in Arizona without air conditioning in July.
     
  9. dixiebandit69

    dixiebandit69
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    824
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    4,181
    Location:
    The asshole of Texas
    The rural area I live in is totally flat and free of contour, and the roads are usually pretty empty. But for some reason, most of the people around here are scared shitless to pass anyone.
    I'll just be driving along at the speed limit, and I see a car come up behind me in my rearview, then they will get within a couple of car-lengths of my rear bumper and just stay there. Sometimes they will even honk their horn or flash their lights.
    I used to simultaneously slam on my brakes and downshift my transmission (resulting in very quick decelleration), then speed up again, but after almost getting rear-ended one time, I figured out a better way (if I'm not in a hurry): I put my car in neutral and see how far I can coast before they finally pass me. One time I almost came to a complete stop before some guy in an old Chevy pickup finally passed me, yelling obscenities at me in Spanish.

    Littering- This is very common in the Asshole of Texas. Whether it's people throwing trash out of moving vehicles, leaving trash or used diapers in parking lots, or dumping bags of trash along the side of the road, some people just don't seem to have any concept of a proper trash receptacle, and it pisses me off.
    My proposed punishment: Their house gets filled with other peoples' trash, and they have to live in it. And the obligatory roadside trash pickup.

    People who uses a car horn as a substitue for a door bell- Once again, a common occurence around here. It pisses me off even when I see it being done to someone else.
    Fuck anyone who does this. Seriously, fuck 'em right in the ass with rubbing alcohol for lube.

    EDIT: Now that I think about it, any unauthorized use of a car horn should be grounds for violent sodomy.
     
  10. lhprop1

    lhprop1
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    1,164
    I often fantasize that I have superpowers that allow me to point my finger and automatically stall someone's engine for 30 minutes. This would only be used for good*, of course. I could be Trafficman!





    *Proper uses would be anyone tailgaiting, driving erratically in busy traffic, people driving under the speed limit in optimal driving conditions, and people talking on their phones/texting who are oblivious to their surroundings.
     
  11. Dmix3

    Dmix3
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    643
    Location:
    In the four-toed statue
    Focus - People who due 60 in the speed lane and are too stupid to realize that when they are being tailgated it's usually the universal way of saying "Press the pedal on the right or get the fuck over and out of the way." The worst are the fuckwits who'll go the EXACT same speed as a Semi on a crowded interstate essentially backing up traffic for miles while they putter along oblivious that they are a fucktard.

    Punishment - Repeatedly hit in the balls with a tire iron.
     
  12. Aetius

    Aetius
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    774
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    8,461
    Infraction: People whose cigarette smoke gets in my face
    Punishment: I get to fart directly into their nostrils

    Edit: A story about bikers:

    Just the other day a woman blew a red light directly in front of my car and almost got herself hit. What makes this so special? She wasn't wearing a helmet, and there was a baby in a baby seat on the back of her bike. Are you fucking kidding me?
     
  13. Revengeofthenerds

    Revengeofthenerds
    Expand Collapse
    ER Frequent Flyer Platinum Member

    Reputation:
    1,046
    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2011
    Messages:
    12,989
    I spend a good amount of time in transit. Planes and cars usually. I know this thread was about people who break the law (which implies written law), but since a lot of the posts have been about the "unwritten law" I'm going to go that route as well.

    People who kick the back of my chair in the plane. Look you annoying piece of shit, riding in this old-ass non-padded seat is about as comfortable as sitting on a barbed dildo lubed with citric acid. Accordingly, I don't particularly enjoy it. But I am going to sit here and take it, because it will get me to my destination faster. What I will not sit here and take is your Michael J Fox impressions in the seat behind me. Stop squirming. If you want to put your legs against the back of my chair, fine; I want to go to sleep. Just don't keep moving them. Pick a place and keep them there. And if you do bump my chair (I know you notice when you do, because it elicits a "fucking AGAIN!!!" from the seat's occupant; namely, me), you better apologize and, if you are of age, buy me another vodka club so I don't fucking murder you.

    Punishment: Waterboarding. Three strikes and they strap you down at the back of the plane, and waterboard your ass while I take out my rage by kicking the back of the board. And drinking the vodka club you bought me.

    Drivers who, when exiting a parking lot, stick their nose out into the oncoming lane. It's called "acceleration" you cuntpussy. It's what happens when your foot presses the "accelerator." Unless you have the reaction time of Helen Keller to an air horn, you can easily keep your pimply pizza driver ass three feet further back, allowing the nose of your vehicle to remain behind the curb cut and my vehicle to not have to swerve into an adjacent lane to avoid a collision with you. I fucking see you. I know you are in a hurry to get back to your mother's basement so you can dry hump your Raggedy Anne doll and cry into your pillow. But, I'm also driving between 35-55 mph and there is no fucking way I am going to come to a damn near dead stop so that you may get in front of me. Not only will you cause more problems for me, but by slowing down, I will cause problems for all the cars that are behind me. My alternative, then, is going into the adjacent lane and flipping you the finger. Yes, it's a middle finger. It means "fuck you" and "I would love to fight you if you just pulled off here at the next exit and unlocked the driver's side door of your vehicle."

    Punishment: Scootah gets to try out his anal hook on you.
     
  14. rei

    rei
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    16
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,273
    Location:
    Guelph, ON
    People who get upset when you call a rum and coke... a rum and coke
    Seriously, I know you feel super sophisticated in calling it a "CUBA LIBRE" because of a marketing campaign by Bacardi, but uh, that war on the bottle? Cuba's revolution was in 1898. Cola began being imported... in 1900. So there's a bit of a flaw in your pretentious douchebaggery.
    I mean, if you want to be the kind of guy who calls it a Cuba Libre, whatever, but if you get -upset- with people for calling it a rum and coke you're an asshole.


    Punishment? Make them drink the water from some underdeveloped Latin American country.
     
  15. lust4life

    lust4life
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    2,562
    Location:
    Deepinthehearta, TX
    Parking in a handicap spot. The spot right in front of our AA meeting facility is a designated handicap spot. It typically doesn't get that much use, but you never who's going to show up for an AA meeting. There's one guy in our group, sober 19 years, who just kept parking there. No tags, no physical disability--he's just an ass. I called him out on one morning, nicely: "Your back ok?" "Yeah." "Leg's bothering you?" "No, why?" "You're in the handicap spot." "Fuck you! Stay on your side of the street."

    A few weeks later, one of the other members of our group was recovering from surgery on her leg, was using crutches, and had a temp tag on her car. The asshole refused to move his truck from the spot for her, telling her, "Honey, that was my parking spot long before they made it a handicap spot." Aside from this behavior being totally contrary to the principles of the AA program, it just lacked common decency and respect.

    The next time I saw his truck parked there, I called the police and reported him and also mentioned that they should check his registration as it expired the previous month. I don't know how much he was fined for the registration, but they got him for $500 on the handicap spot. He was royally pissed, but the best part of it is, he knew it was me who reported him.

    In addition to the fines, I'd have had him towed just for the added inconvenience, and since he was busted on a Sunday morning, he'd be without his truck for at least a day. Either that, or use a police baton to make him medically eligible for "his parking spot."
     
  16. dubyu tee eff

    dubyu tee eff
    Expand Collapse
    Thinks he has a chance with Christina Hendricks...

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2009
    Messages:
    1,383
    People who mix up your and you're. As a corollary, people who don't know the difference between there, their, and they're.

    Punishment: Writing the correct usage of all of these terms UNTIL DEATH.
     
  17. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
    Expand Collapse
    Just call me Topher

    Reputation:
    950
    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Messages:
    22,718
    Location:
    London, Ontario
    Lots of Gym-nauseum in here, so:

    The worst thing at the gym...THE FUCKING WORST is the gross pigs that don't wipe down their machines afte use. That's disgusting. Leaving your fucking ectoplasm on a seat for somebody else and then just walking off to plant your trail of goo in a dozen different other spots? Did the large signs pretty much on every wall in the place that say PLEASE WIPE AFTER EVERY USE not tip you off, or are you simply a lazy mongoloid?

    As punishment, for the next six months all of your flat bench spots will-must- be covered by a sweaty, stinky, fat 55 year old man wearing loose fitting, high-cut shorts. That way, you have to look up at his gross balls every rep for your repulsively gross negligence.
     
  18. Kubla Kahn

    Kubla Kahn
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    710
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    11,278

    What if she left it? You'd have guys volunteering to wipe it up, with their tongues.
     
    #38 Kubla Kahn, Aug 3, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  19. dixiebandit69

    dixiebandit69
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    824
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    4,181
    Location:
    The asshole of Texas
    To add to this, people who have a handicap permit, and their only excuse is morbid obesity ("It's a glandular problem!" FUCK YOU. Don't eat so much, and see how your "problem" improves.), or some trivial injury that doesn't actually impair them.
    In my opinion, if you have a handicap permit, your ass better be in a wheelchair/on crutches/using some sort of device to be able to move from one place to another.

    Oh wait, I just thought of another one:

    If you use a Rascal (tm) scooter, or any other form of electric mobility, you should have a real reason to use it; being a disgusting fat-body doesn't count.

    Back when I used to work at a local college, on of the instructors had a really nice electric scooter (imagine a golf cart with the top shade taken off and one center-mounted seat) that she would use to drive around the campus with. She even had a Handicapped Faculty/Staff parking permit for it! (I couldn't even get a regular Faculty/Staff permit, and I was a goddam employee! I eventually got one, but I had to fight for it.) She WAS obese, but she could walk long distances just fine and teach her classes standing up for over an hour at a time; I saw her do so many times. I asked everyone who worked there what her affliction was, and no one knew, and all were afraid to ask, because she could be a real bitch.

    She would leave it parked outside with the key in it all the time, and I had so many fantasies about stealing it and crashing it into a wall or leaving it parked on the railroad tracks that ran next to the school right before a train came by. In retrospect, I probably should have paid a random crackhead to do the dirty work.

    EDIT: I forgot the punishment! Fat-asses who abuse electric scooters should be forced to push the wheelchairs of legitimately handicapped people.
     
  20. scootah

    scootah
    Expand Collapse
    New mod

    Reputation:
    12
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    1,750
    Focus: Abusing handicapped people who park in handicapped spaces because they look physically able. You know not every disability is immediately visible right?

    Punishment: Video of you yelling 'It Must Be Intellectual' and the poor cripple you just abused yelling 'Actually is Cystic Fibrosis and shredded lungs genius. Oh, and I have some back problems from fucking your mother' being posted as your facebook status every hour on the hour for the next 3 months. On a second offense, you or the immediate family member most attractive to the offended cripple owes them a blow job. If their disability means they can't get off, you and Sisyphus can compare notes until doctors find a cure.