My wife and I are different. Completely different. We're that couple you look at on the street and go "how the HELL are they together?" It's reality. She's beautiful and crazy and extremely insecure and I'm confident and crazy and look like a young Malcolm Gladwell with a shaved head. And we have two entirely different opinions on cheating. She's "traditional." You cheat, you divorce. Simple as that. And thanks to me being a emotionally re-wired after my brain surgery, I basically have no rules. She wants to have sex with someone else? Great, let me watch; her getting off is hot anyway so long as I finish in her. BDSM? To her, ropes are something I use when we go sailing. For me, ropes can totally be a sexual thing. We compromise by the basic rules of "give each other fun" and also "do no harm." So she's not going to cheat because in her mind (if even not in mine) that's "harm," and she's learned how I can tie safe-word quick-release knots. The one thing we agree upon though as a no-go is violence. Unfortunately there's a lot of porn out there involving violence toward women. My biological father was violent toward me, sexually violent. I fought back and broke my hand breaking his orbital socket so I'm better now maybe. My wife has her own stories but that, respectfully, isn't for this board because she isn't here to write it. Involves violence though, and that's why -- though sexual violence (like rape fantasies) might be a turn on for some -- for us it's a non-starter. Focus: What's your non-starter? Your make-or-break? ... Only the "no personal attacks" rules apply here so just be decent. You won't date someone who's religious? Someone of a different race? If they ask for a Michelob Ultra that's your cue to exit? Alt. Focus: Kinks. It's not "weird" anymore." It's more of an aspect of your personality. What have you? Do tell. And why does it "work" for you?
When I was single I wouldn't date a girl that smoked or had kids. If I was single now, I still probably wouldn't. I could see myself compromising on the kid thing depending on the circumstances, but not smoking, it's revolting.
I could not stand insecurity. Yeah, tall order in young women. But I also don't care. Constantly hinting for validation and reaching hard to find ways to dislike yourself -for whatever reason- makes my skin crawl. We're all individuals. But when you have two dozen guys fainting with lust over you when you walk through a bar and you complain about how nobody treats you right and Mr. Right just isn't out there....seek help.
Focus: Liking shitty music. Your favorite band is Florida Georgia Line? Or you go apeshit for Luke Bryan? It's not gonna work out. Maybe I'm shallow, but fuck it. That's everything that's wrong with music today. Another non-starter is not liking animals. I don't trust people who barely tolerate pets. Or having bad table manners. That's one of my biggest pet peeves. Whenever I see someone with gross habits I assume they were raised in a barn by pigs.
Focus: Neediness, being unclean, and religion in the sense that they want me to go to church every Sunday. My mom is very dependent on my dad and it drives me nuts. She doesn't do anything on her own and calls him all the time. Because of that someone who is needy to that extent doesn't work for me. If someone can't organize their life and take care of things on their own I'm out. I like helping people, especially the ones I'n dating, but if my help is demanded then its done. If someone's apartment or house is a mess I'm out. There's a difference between clutter and dirty. If has trash that been there forever or its just apparent they haven't tried to clean before I get there (especially early on, who doesn't clean before having a date over), I'm so out. I'm not a neat freak by any measure I just prefer things orderly and someone who I'm dating needs to have that too. I don't mind someone being religious. Doesn't bother me, I respect their beliefs, just don't try to evangelize me or ask me to go to church and be disappointed when I say no I'd rather sleep in because I have a hangover from last night. I will have converastions about religion but I can get snarky sometimes about it. Alt Focus: I'm far from perfect. I will say things that are inconsiderate and now be aware of it. If someone doesn't tell me about those comments I don't know they were offensive and things can snowball. I have an independent streak. If a girl I'm dating asks me to come back after a game they should be ok with me staying a little late to have a few beers. Couples parties and events like that make me really anxious. If that happens I can start a fight because I'm anxious or at the first chance leave. I also have a lot of anxiety which makes it hard for me to open up and be really honest because I'm scared what the other person will think. These things work for me because they make me aware of another person and I am really genuine and sweet once people can get beyond the anxiety. But getting there takes time. Basically when I'm dating I need an orderly person who's confident and tolerate my mis-steps.
Focus: Being religious, or having other wacky beliefs. If a woman is into astrology, psychics, Eastern philosophy, new-age medicine, etc., I KNOW that it won't work out, if for no other reason than I will end up mocking/berating her repeatedly for holding such idiotic beliefs, and that will end our relationship. Also, any woman who is really close with her family might as well have a mustache of bleeding herpes sores. I don't even like dealing with my own family, so I damn sure don't want to put up with bullshit from people I'm not related to. EDIT: Not having a good sense of humor, or being easily offended. This may be hard for some of y'all to believe, but some people think I can be offensive at times: Laughing at "inappropriate" things, making rude, yet accurate comments, telling "tasteless" jokes, holding strong, unpopular opinions, etc. If a woman can't deal with that, she doesn't have what it takes to be my girl. EDIT 2: When a woman shaves/waxes her bush. Eeeeew.
This and neediness. Not the dependence that Toddamus talked about, but the emotional neediness. You have a girl that has it all together seemingly, and then the minute shes drunk shes texting "do you really like me?" Or making some passive aggressive joke about you dating other girls at the same time. Shit is an immediate nonstarter I also cant take judgmental. I'm judgey at times, but its more snarky and meant to make people laugh. Hardcore judgmental people like my aunts are fucking anti-viagra. Went on a few dates recently with a girl who was 26, very pretty, in great shape (not a humblebrag, germane to the story). So we're out having drinks on a patio, its summer and hot, and a number of girls in the bar and walking by had crop tops on. I made a comment about them and how I liked them. She kind of scoffed. I asked if she was a fan and she said something along the lines of "i dont wear crops cause im not 14 or a slut". I almost choked on my drink. If she was like "no, not a fan personally" or something else, fine. But coming down like an old church lady, fuck. Popped up a few other times with her, not a good look. Oh yea, she was too old to take shots too. Childish eating habits and lack of exercise/fitness as well. If you just eat chicken fingers or noodles or cant cook for yourself, nope. And you don't have to being a VS model, but take care of yourself, have good habits in terms of physical activity, and we're good. I'm a gym rat, so im far from a hypocrite. Its important to me, I want it to be important to you. If its not happening now when you're single and young, it most likely never will.
Focus: I cannot stand co-dependancy. If you cannot go to the store without me in your hip pocket, go search elsewhere. I also hate judgement in the sense of just wanting to tear something down to build yourself up, as JWags said, when I judge it is to make funny commentary and not involve myself in something I consider stupid. I can't stand the hyper-religious, but I don't even put them in my dating pool so that's fine. Emotional instability is also bad. If you are an adult and you don't know how to make yourself happy I feel you need to go to the doctor or not take yourself so seriously as to be unable to have fun. I can't get on well with people who don't like dogs. I can get cat hate [allergies and some being assholes] but I don't generally trust someone who can't stand them to the point of lunacy. For a few others: - Stupidity. I cannot stand the permanently oblivious. - Slovenly behaviour. If you are over eighteen and you have a room that looks like a shit grenade went off, that's bad. Hoarding also qualifies. - Inability to cook. As Maddox once pointed out; '1. Get stuff. 2. Add heat.' It's not rocket science. I'm not a Gordon Ramsay but a number of twenty-somethings I know who can't cook makes me amazed how they aren't dead already. - Unable to know your limits with alcohol. Let me explain, if you tell everyone you are out with that you intend to go to the farthest reach of drunkenness, then we're prepared and that's fine. But when every night out with you turns into you always trying to race as hard as you can to catatonic stupor or vomiting wreck is tiresome. - If you hate the outdoors, we're probably doomed from the get-go. Alternate Focus: I grew up shy but became bolder with age and school teaching me social habits, but I also grew up weird and that weirdness can glimmer through in social situations. Friends who are introducing me to their friends often provide caution, good-humoredly, for meeting me. That's fine with me, it is a part of me and that's fine. I just sometimes dial myself back a bit around the more skittish because I can be a lot to handle if you don't run at my energy level, so to speak. I noticed that I also have no ability to passive-aggressively treat a situation. I either shut up and bear it or I confront the problem ahead of me. This leads to me sometimes being considered an asshole, but if it is an honest mistake I will be the first to profusely apologize for my actions if they were in a wrong. I fucking hate clutter, to the point that my living space is Spartan to the extreme. I blame this on frequent moves and my mom having far too much shit for one woman. [Clothes and shoes and the boxes she never unpacks come to mind]
Assuming dating means going into it with the hopes of it being a long-term serious relationship: I couldn't date a Republican, someone who's religious (or, I guess, a practicing member of any one religion in particular), or a vegetarian. I couldn't date someone who doesn't read. While it's not completely necessary for someone to be creative themselves, I would need someone who at least appreciates the arts. I couldn't date someone close-minded about sex and sexuality. I couldn't date someone who doesn't like animals, or is allergic to common pets, because a house is not a home without an animal in it. I couldn't date someone who has sailed through life with little to no big problems - we don't understand each other and being the only one with baggage in a relationship is very uncomfortable. On the other hand, while I love being there for people and am good at it, I don't want to date someone that I'm constantly having to take care of because I don't want kids that either come forth from my vagina or go into it on a regular basis. (I couldn't date someone seriously who really wants kids.) I couldn't date someone clingy or possessive or doesn't value space, personal time, and independence. I'm really tired of being involved with people who are either raging narcissists or cripplingly insecure, so I've been prioritizing finding someone who's healthily in the middle of the two. I couldn't date someone who places a high value on traditional gender roles in a relationship because I make a much better husband than I do wife. I couldn't date someone without a sense of humor or adventure. I couldn't date someone without passion or ambition. I know that boys are dumb about feelings and there are only some particular parts of that that I care about, but to try and summarize I couldn't date someone who's completely cold about, let's call it, sentimentality. Although I also typically don't bend on most of those for any form of more casual relationships unless it's purely a sex thing, or if there's some other barrier to the longevity of the relationship anyway (usually distance). I know by now these things are important to me, and I can probably point to something(s) in that list for every single time I've lost interest, or it never started. That probably sounds like a lot but so far I haven't had too much trouble finding it, and I'm not one of those people that needs to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, so I take it seriously and get to date and fuck people I actually like. Hurray!
Focus: I don't trust people who aren't nice to dogs or restaurant staff. Sometimes it concerns me about how I lump my own profession in with dogs, but then I think, who cares, I'm drunk and dogs are awesome. Alt. Focus: The day I learned that friends of mine had whacked it to pictures of me was the day I developed the fantasy of being in the center of a room while a hundred men jerk off in my general direction. The boyfriend refuses to indulge this fantasy, which is total bullshit, because I already said I'd pay the rental fee of a large venue with a stage, but I guess that's not what he has an objection to. Total bullshit, but I settle for just having him ejaculate at me solo. Bonus points now if I get to play Pokemon Go while he's doing it.
The inability to maintain anything resembling a conversation is an absolute non-starter. If a person can speak, articulately, about things and ideas I'm at least willing to move forward with further interaction. Smoking is a non-starter. Once dating - if a person is a hard core conservative - it's not going to work. I can't get past that. It isn't a kink, but I love a curious mind. People who think and speculate and ruminate and explore.
Today is our 18th anniversary, so anyone that isn't her is a non starter. That's one of the ways you stay married for 18 years. Unless you have an arrangement I don't have.