Well...I guess I could have handled that better...

At the time of this story, my kids were daughter-10, daughter-7, and son-5. They were home for the summer and were hanging out in the family room. I was in another part of the house when I heard them talking about "wiener". Kind of curious, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak down the hall and see what they were doing. So I do, and peek around the corner. And there's my son with the front of his shorts pulled down furiously rubbing his palm over said wiener while the girls watch. He stops, does this ta-da motion with his hands and says, "See, look, it stays up by itself." Well, he was starting kindergarten in the fall and the last thing I needed was to get a call from the school one day talking about this neat trick he has, so I thought it was a good idea to set him straight. So I walk around the corner and ask what was going on. My son quickly pulls up his shorts and curls up on the couch in what I assume was embarrassment. And that's as far as I got. Because my 10-year-old turns to me with a look of wonder in her eyes and says, "Mom, he can make it move without touching it." I just stare at her stupidly for a second, then my quick-thinking skills kick in and I come up with the best response ever, "Really?"

Now, all I want to do is laugh but I was afraid that would encourage my son to whip it out all the time, so I just stand there wondering how it went downhill so fast when all I wanted to do was to tell my son not to masturbate in public. I know it was a weak response, but I ended up just telling my son, "Patrick, your private parts are private, keep it in your pants" then left the room so I could laugh in private. As I'm basically running away I just hear his 5-year-old voice saying, "okaayy". Sometimes I wonder what they were talking about that brought up the whole topic, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

Focus: Funny kid stories. It could be when you were a kid, kids you know, or your own. But since I know some of you don't want/like kids:

Focus 2: Awkward/funny puberty stories. OR:

Focus 3: Weak parenting skills. I know it was awful but it all happened so fast!

 

This is the story you tell at every single one of their weddings. "Remember that time you played with your junk in front of your sisters", well and when they date, and at prom.

I have 2 little boys myself and they have had the odd issue with "appropriate behavior" but still when his kindergarten teacher tells you he slapped her on the ass for no reason, you cannot laugh in front of him, you MUST tell him off, and then go somewhere else to laugh your ass off and feel a little proud.

We also have a friend I'll call "Bill" who has what must be an abnormally long butt crack that ends I think somewhere near his shoulder blades it seems, so it tends to escape his pants no matter where he is or how many belts he wears.

One night my kids started a game running around with their pants half down there asses. When questioned as to what they were doing they replied. "We're Bill, HA HA HA" and ran off again.

 

When my ex-wife called to tell me this, she was still having trouble getting it out because she was still laughing.

My son is autistic, was about 7 years old at the time. My ex and her husband were helping my son with his homework.

Ex's Husband: "(Son)...what do you think?...what do you think the answer is?"
Son: (disinterested, not looking up from what he was doing) " I don't know."
EH: "Try it again...what do you think?"
Son: (still looking at something else, disinterested) "I don' know."
EH: "Hey (son)....can you read it one more time buddy? Try it again?"
Son: (looks at the book for a second or two) "I said I don't know GOD DAMN IT!"

 

One of the funniest conversation that me and my stepson has ever had was the following:


We were driving back to our house after working out at the gym, and somehow the conversation turns to porn. Me and The Fiance run a pretty open and honest liberal household, and he's a great kid, and I'm an open book..... but the conversation is still pretty weird because I'm 35 and he's 15 and we're talking about porn.
I give him the "everyone looks at it, its nothing to be ashamed about, but its probably something that you do in private with yourself... Or with your partner"
He then goes on to ask me what types of porn do I watch. I again give him the nominal answer of lesbian stuff, hetero stuff, but you know... I'm not a fan of watching dudes faces during porn..

He then goes on to tell me that he agrees with me wholeheartidly and that's why he enjoys watching chicks that have dicks. And then there is, for what seems like a minute worth of silence, and I answer "Are you fucking watching tranny porn?!"
He then says "What's tranny porn?" I respond "Apparently what you're watching"

He goes on to explain why its better, in which in turn, explains why I should be watching based on my prediliction for not wanting to see dudes faces during porn.

"Well you just told me that you like watching lesbian porn, and hetero porn without the dudes faces,,,,, so isn't this the best of both? Wouldn't you rather watch a dick going into a pussy and that dick is attached to a totally hot chick with big boobs, and a hot face?"

I still can't figure out if he's a fucking genius or a total weirdo? Maybe a little of both? Either way, he watched tranny porn and made an excellent argument why I should be watching it too.

 

I was really hoping the punchline was that he was talking about strap-ons, but nope, its far more disturbing.

 

When she was around three years old, I took the little Missanthropic grocery shopping. We were out for a couple of hours, and when we got back, my wife asked her how things went. "It was okay," my little angel replied. "But we did see daddy's girlfriend there!"

Never mind that I didn't talk to anyone the whole time we were in the store.

"Misanthropic, you got some 'splainin' to do!!"