Focus: If you were given your own country, what would be your laws of the land? I think I would be a benevolent dictator, and would be widely loved by my numerous subjects. But in order for them to become citizens of my new paradise, there would be certain laws that they must live by: - No alcohol sales on Sundays. Because everyone is hungover anyway, on this day all alcohol shall be free! - Though we shall be tolerant of all peoples, those sporting fake tans shall be immediately put to work on chain-gangs charged with maintaining the beauty of the community. This goes for Ed Hardy customers and people who "ice bros" as well. - Robert Duvall's face would be stamped on all major currency - We won't rent pigs - Members of the military, once having completed their service, shall be awarded with tax exempt status for the rest of their lives, plus receive weekly coupons for "free entree' and a blowjob" from local purveyors - I'm serious- we won't rent pigs. Because a man who does like to rent pigs... He's hard to stop. I have to leave for a meeting, so that's all for now, but let me tell you, it would be an awesome place.
I mused over this thought a while back, but instead of a country I was thinking more along the lines of forming a religion with whack job followers. I'll just copy and paste my ideas: You know how that weird Indian dude used to drive around in Oregon with his equally weird followers falling to their knees and spitting at each other hoping to swallow some of the dust his Rolls Royce kicked up? They were just a bit fucked in the head weren't they? Well that gave me an idea. History is littered with the bodies of the insane succumbing to those who had just a glimmer more of intelligence. No, I'm not going to provide references. I'm not on trial here. Anyways, that's beside the point...here's my plan: * Start a completely fucked up church with a doctrine so screwed up no one can make head or tails of it. Then if people are fighting over eating the dust from my car and acting like primal monkeys for the right to do so I think I may have a ripe bunch of idiots to be my followers. * If you're worth over $100K, you can join my church. * You must sign everything over to me...errr... "The Church" * If you're worth under $100K. Fuck you. * Unless you are a hot girl with tits out to here...*Holding my hands out as far as they can reach* * Fuck that. If your tits defy gravity you're in, 100K or not. Unless you're a guy. Dear God man, go drink some Slim Fast and get the hell out of your parent's basement. And for God's sake keep your shirt on, no one wants to see that shit. What's expected of you: * Pretty much horrible poverty. * Running water will happen when it rains. I tell God when to bring the rains. * Electricity? Hahahahaha....ummmm no * You kiss the ground when I drive by on my tractor until we can buy a Rolls Royce. For me. Then you'll kiss the ground thanking our 6 legged God with 2 heads, one thats spews out fish entrails (I hate that head) for providing me with a big expensive car and yourself with that huge carrot that you pulled up this morning. Then you'll go home and eat carrot soup with your wretched and stupid family that actually thinks carrot peelings and boiled water=carrot soup. Yep...only $100K a head and I ...errr...by "I" I mean it in a spiritual way to include all of us, however I won't be eating the mud and dust thrown up by my tractor. That is a special privilege for the pilgrims. That would be you. Mud Licker. That's just a euphemism for "Bless you." I swear. Send your money to Church of Toytoy (Big fucking car fund)3242 Some field, Somewhere, MS.
Rules of my happy little country: I am your savior, Ditka is your god. 4 years required military service from all men beginning at age 18. Upon completion you will keep a perfectly conditioned M-4 in your place of residence at all times. Crime? Motherfucker EVERYONE has an M-4. You fuck up- you get fucked up. Please keep off of the grass. Grass is for looking, not for touching. Shark week? Haha. Shark Month. Sean Connery? Head of my Secret Service. Two national sports: rugby (union or league, do your thing) and muay thai. Thunderdome is in the works. Be patient. Most Interesting Man in the World? Secretary of State. Bud Light you say? You fucked up. See above. BrewDog's is National Brewery. Fuck you Scotland, hand em' over. National resources? Blood diamonds, pain and hooker tears. Got a lot of work to do, gentlemen. Wounded in combat? You've got a job for the rest of your life. Hooker tear extractor. Can't extract? National brewery needs tasters and you need a drink. My place will be a castle- Neuschwanstein style. National Holiday? Steak and a Blowjob day, followed directly by Post-Steak and a Blowjob day aka Anal day. But wait. Every day's an anal day! Re-election? Bitch, I have goldfish in my water bed. IN. MY. WATER BED. Ladies, you can't say no to that.
My country will rent pigs out by the dozen, nay, the hundreds. In fact, it'll do nothing else, I'll import pigs into my country and rent them out to other countries at by the hour and I'll even give a reduced rate for Bluedognians. My money will have pigs on it and all homes must be shaped like a pig. Even the pigs will be branded with a pig logo that depicts where they're from and what they're for. The cities will be shaped in the image of a pig with glowing pigs on the lap posts to light our piggy looking cobblestone streets, people will wear uniforms that show that they're pigs and act accordingly as a pig should. Every year, we'll celebrate the pig and party our balls off. In all seriousness though, the only way to keep your streets safe is with a good, strong police force.
At birth all children will be chemically spayed or neutered. When you desire to procreate at an appropriate age, you'll come before a panel of people with a little life experience, some doctors and shrinks. You'll plead your case for why you should be allowed to procreate. You must show who you plan to procreate with, be subjected to medical examination for hereditary disease and psych evaluation so we know if we're letting more nutters be born. If you pass, you get a license to breed. Midgets or anyone carrying midget genes gets a pass. Make as many babies as you can.
I don't want to run a country. But on the off chance that I could change the laws for the day, I'd make mandatory open container laws. That's right - everyone walking around with alcohol, all the fucking time. People who are made uncomfortable by this proposition don't get to live here anymore. Beer shall be sold by the litre and half-litre only, and anyone who orders beer by the half-litre shall be considered highly suspect. I would dismantle the state-run liquor monopoly, but with the caveat that any and all alcohol sold in this country must pass my personal approval test. I wouldn't ban German cars per se, but I would ban the type of people who drive German cars. The speed limit on highways would be 150 km / h, and anyone is authorized to perform a PIT manoeuvre on anyone who is driving too slowly in the left lane. Children will be neither seen nor heard in public.
Some people do have their own country, allow me to introduce you to the Principality of Sealand; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Principality_of_Sealand As for me I'm a simple man, my country would have loads of beaches and women would be allowed, nay encouraged, to go topless, but only if they're hot. Lifeguards will go around and ask fatties and old women to cover up. I would invade smaller countries, mostly small island nations, until I'll get islands from all over the world. Then I'll crown myself King, emperor, and eternal ruler of the my empire. Also there would be a lot of naked women, I'm not sure how this would work, but it's certainly a plan that has potential. Criminals will be sent to jail and they'll be forced to watch IHTSBIH 3 times a day.
- Recreational drugs are legal and will be available from specific vendors and liable to government taxation (just look at the $$$'s!) - President to be Patricia De Lille (because she takes no shit from anyone). I will be referred to as The Deity. - No-one over the age of 70 is allowed to live here. You will be chained to a rocket and sent up into the atmosphere on your birthday (thus saving millions in Government expenditure on viagra and other Old People Drugs). Old people can, however, appear before a Tribunal, but must have evidence as to why they still currently kick ass at 70. They need to secure at least 5 of the 7 votes from the Tribunal members or they get the rocket. Only exceptions: Sir Stirling Moss (obviously the Minister of Transport) and Sean Connery (he's the lifetime Minister of Kickassery in my cabinet, and is allowed to publicly slap any female that is determined to be behaving like a bitch at any time with no public rebuke. However, one witness must confirm the girl was being an unreasonable shit before Mr. Connery is allowed to tan her face/tits/ass.) - Alcohol to be sold every day from 7am to midnight from state-controlled alcohol vendors, but to be tax exempt (we'll be making enough from the recreational drugs). There will, however, be a board of 11 directors who will oversee the alcohol vendors and they are appointed by public vote. ANYONE currently a citizen can stand for vote to this board. This should insure the quality of alcohol doesn't slip. Welcome, drunkards! - School hours for kids will be from 9am to 2pm, with one break for lunch at midday. After this, a mandatory two hours will be spent out of the classroom playing rugby, soccer, american football, cricket, baseball, swimming or athletics, depending on their skills and attributes, to be determined by coaching staff. Obstacle-course running is compulsory at least once a week - the adults need to laugh at kids fucking up. And no nandrolone or other performance-enhancing drugs, kids! Only exception: those who are medically unfit to participate - they will be used as interns at other government facilities, such as the library and science facilities, and would receive training in any scientific field they wish to enter into, where periodic testing will take place. If they fail more than three tests over a six-month period, they have to swim across a 100m pool with 5 hungry sharks in the mix. That should be sufficient motivation to NOT fail any tests. - Specialists from other countries to be brought in to train the military and police forces until they are up to standard. Viking33 touched on something there with compulsory military service (a la Israel), but I'd say 3 years is enough. - All Mineral and Energy resources to be controlled by a committee of 5 people, and public elections for the positions for these 5 officials to be held every year. This ensures less chances of people making huge fuck-ups, if they like that position anyway. When I think of more, I'll add them.
- Alcohol may be sold by any vendor with a license at any time. - The legal drinking age will be 16, the legal driving age however will be 21. - All drugs will be legal and able to be sold, manufactured, distributed etc. -There will be no state-run drug rehab facilities. Reap what you sow. - Anyone convicted of murder, rape, pedophilia etc will have two years time to appeal their case before a judge. Upon completion of the two years in prison they will be taken outside and shot. - The tax code will consist of one page. Namely, all items imported or produced in the country will be assessed a 15% tax based on what their intended sale price is at production with the 15% tacked on so the cost is passed on to the consumer. The IRS will audit stores to make sure prices are not being inflated. - Nudity and drunkenness will be allowed in public. - Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical weapons will be downsized to sub triple figures each. - Unless unemployment is at 0% no foreign aid will be distributed. - Evolution and Atheism will be the official government standpoints. As such, all government-run schools will teach evolution in classes. - Mandatory physical education for one hour a day between K-12. - The legislative branch will not be allowed to serve more than one term per category. (so you could serve one term each in state legislature, congress, and the Senate.) - Elections will be determined by popular vote not the electoral college. - All fetuses will be tested for birth defects, those defective will be aborted. - Cloning and stem cell research will be legal. -Abortions will be free. -Contraceptives will be distributed in high school. -The Department of Defense's budget will be cut in half. 50 billion of this will be redistributed among agencies that do scientific research such as NASA and the department of Energy. That's all I can think of right now.
- Weed is legal, and nothing will suck about that. Ever. - No skinny jeans. Sorry, but back to your studio apartment and your eleven roomates. - St. Patrick's Day is a holiday. So is the day after. - The national anthem is Kim Mitchell's "Patio Lanterns". - The Declaration of Independence shall be written on the back of a Twister! mat in Sharpie. - You can buy booze at any store, even on Sundays. - Bring back the original, danger Lawn Darts (Jarts). That shit rocks, and it needs to come back.
If someone is smoking in public and they're caught tossing their butt anywhere besides a designated receptacle, they're shot.
Semi-related to the focus: I have a friend who lives on Embassy Row in Washington, DC. I won't give his address but his townhouse is directly between two embassies. I've been trying to convince him for months to put a flag and plaque on his front lawn that designates his building as the embassy of a non-existent country based on my name, e.g. Coolahanistan (replace Coolahan with my actual name, though).
I'm easy to please. When I am the One True Goddess, I shall: 1. Make pot legal, but carry same DUI penalties as drunk driving. 2. Change DUI penalties from fines and jail time to serving as a crash test dummy. 3. Make time outs and 'redirection' illegal as forms of punishment. Y'all need to beat your kids. 4. Award an automatic death penalty to anyone committing a crime based on religious belief. 5. Initiate a bounty on Southern Baptist ears. 6. Decree that evening news will be replaced with a one hour stand up comedy show. Everyone gets their news online anyway. 7. Command UFC style cage matches between Jon Stewart and Colbert, and Sean Connery and the Dos Eq-however you spell it-guy
Dude have you served or spent a considerable amount of time with a variety (key being variety) of people who have? I get your goodwill, I really do, but it is nothing but a pleasant thought. It is very easy to get lost in jingoistic sentiment but the reality is in my experience close to half of the military are in it for the paycheck with sense of duty of a far off thought. Despite what people like to talk about there is also another very large segment who are little more than wastes of space who have fallen into service as a last resort to make money. Do many dipshits use this as a chance to straighten there lives out, yes undoubtedly. But for everyone of these is another asshole who will simply go onto a life of douchery afterwards. * This was a more holistic comment about beatifying members of the armed forces. As I assume the original comment was meant as somewhat hyperbolic due to the unsustainability of economic incentives that would mean a lifetime of no tax for service.
In the land of Superfantastica... Education would be totally reformed. Children under 6th grade age don't need to know complex algreba, they need to do three things often: run, make-believe, and learn manners. Then, following the path our species has taken, they need to start from the beginning: make a shelter, make a fire, grow produce and fish (at least), use a compass. As they near high school age, things get more specific and difficult, but they get to choose what they're interested in doing (with the option to change their minds, of course). High school is when the complicated/intricate learning starts. If a kid is interested in literature, they begin a multi-year, in-depth analysis of the great works. Same deal for maths. Everyone learns biology. Post-secondary education is free (and optional) but two things are done at all levels of education: physcial fitness, and volunteerism. Everyone from grade 3 up will volunteer to help people 3 grades below. Also, from 16-18, all kids will work (like, 6-10 hours a week, tops) at menial jobs in their city...for free. In fact, every able person will be required to complete a minimum amount of volunteer hours (like, say, 40 per year). Those who surpass the minimum get tax breaks and the like. It would be possible, in Superfantastica, to modestly support yourself on a completely volunteer salary. National sport: hockey. National song: Blinded by the Light - Manfred Man. National flag: an video screen showing Jessica Alba and Megan Fox making out, at varrying stages of undress. Prostitution and drugs are legal and heavily-regulated, with safe places to do both (though doing them at home would be legal). Driving age is 18, and for the first five years, annual tests are implemented, along with spot testing, where the driver is tailed, unknowingly, to prevent poor driving habits. After five years, the tests comes in two years, then three, then four...until the driver reaches 60 (let's say), and the countdown reverses. Anyone can worship anything, but all religion is kept out of government policy, and those preaching in public will be on a very short leash. Politicians will get a very modest salary, no matter their position/length of time in office, and as little face recognition as possible. Lobbyists won't exist, and all the corporations in the country combined will never equal more than half a single person (politically speaking). Basic health care is free, but that's obvious. Girls can go topless, anytime, anywhere (even the fat ones, to be fair, I guess...), and kissing each other is highly encouraged. No one will ever be more than a ten minute walk away from a water park. Hot dogs are free. Anyone who rapes or kills, or expresses an explicit desire to do so, will not be imprisoned in the traditional sense. Instead, a large land mass will be closed and guarded off, with food and weapons being air dropped randomly. In this area, absolutely anything goes. Civilians are free to enter as they please, though by doing so, they are implying they do in fact want to rape/kill, and will never be allowed out. Hotwheelz would be my director of awesome. Shegirl would be his second in command. That's all I got for now.