Weekend Random Drunk Thread- Halloween 2009 Edition!

40 more minutes before I can make a 20 mile drive to the next county to buy myself some fucking beer.

Goddamn I hate Mississippi.

This whole pirate idea is sounding better and better the more I think about it. Pillaging, plundering, and drinking (And cannons, can't forget the cannons)...I was born 200 years to late.

Hopefully I'll settle down a bit when I have a good supply of booze in my fridge and numb my brain. I'm rather surprised I have any brain cells left...and I have to act like a normal human being for the next week with all the damned relatives visiting. That won't be easy.

 

Settle down Jimmy Buffett

 

I fucked her this morning and came before she could, so we're even now.

 

Good morning Vietnam! At least, my skull and esophagus feel that it was reenacted there.

I definitely pulled off Orson Welles last night. About a fifth of vodka, a bottle of champagne, and a magnum of chardonnay, and I WAS THERE.

God, I hurt.

 

Praise Jesus! I have beer again.

I also formulated a plan while driving....I obviously won't be boarding a ship today and setting sail, so I'm going to do the next best thing. I have a pond, a rowboat and bed sheets. Can you see where I'm going with this idea?

My pond is full of snapping turtles that deserve to die because...well, because they're snapping turtles.

Instead of a cannon I'll have a 12 gauge and those devil turtles are going to be ships that I can pillage, plunder and ultimately sink. Truthfully, I'll just sink them while wearing two baseball caps sideways with a hand drawn skull and cross bones on them.

The funny thing is y'all think I'm joking. I have numerous ex's that will attest that I really do shit like this. When you live in the middle of nowhere you have to make your own fun.

And besides I need to get this shit out of my system before the family arrives tomorrow. They might have me locked up for sailing the pond blasting at turtles and yelling "Avast ye scurvy fucking turtle. Prepare to meet your maker!" BLAM! Oh God, this does sound like an afternoon of fun.

 

Story of my life

 

Well, last night was...interesting. Cops came, buddy got arrested, pandemonium ensued (seriously, at what age do cops stop raiding your parties???). All of which I missed because I was already passed the FUCK out. I mean honestly, by the time the party even started I was wandering around aimlessly mumbling to myself, with a beer in one hand and a bottle of Jameson in my pocket. To quote a girl that just arrived and was giving me a hug, "Holy shit, how much have you drank already?? And you're covered in beer. Well, it's good to see you anyways..."

At one point I manned the bar for a bit, but I was relieved of that duty when folks started complaining that I wasn't making what they asked for, I was just handing everyone whiskey in a solo cup. In my defense I doubt I had any idea what was going on. Shortly after that I found a comfy little couch in quiet room, "just to take a nap".

Moral of this story. If you start binge drinking the moment you wake up, you are likely to either pass out pretty early, or be arrested.

 

The Showtime fights were pretty good, the main event being a Fight of the Year candidate. I was fucked up before it started and my fighter lost but it didn't wreck the night. Went to the bars, I dressed up as Quail Man. Rode out there with my roommates who are married and my friend from growing up and these two sisters. I matchmade my friend with the younger sister while I went after the older one. My friend went home with the younger one while I crashed on the couch with the other one.

When my friend came back to pick up his keys I asked him how it went. "Oh we just watched Tenacious D and went to sleep..." because my female roommate was right there. When she turned her head he held up a thumbs up and five fingers, signaling five times. It's good to have a friend in debt to you because I totally made that shit happen from the get go. I didn't get laid but I actually like this girl a bit and she's coming over tonight. Plus she was too fucked up for me to feel right about going after it. Call me old fashioned. Or call me a pussy.

 

Woke up this morning, still very, very drunk.

Took two half gallons of wine to a party. One of them was Habanero wine. Apparently it was not a hit, I was the only one to drink it. I'll advise any of you to purchase stock in TUMS, immediately.

Have 5 Busch Lights left in the fridge, then I get to make a bootlegging state-border crossing booze run. I have not done it yet this year, but I'm excited. Too bad its a 2 hour round trip. Fuck Indiana liquor laws.

 

Nice call on the Quailman, I went as the same. I'm almost surprised at how well it went.

One of the better parts of last night: when a girl dressed as a Playboy Bunny (and wore it well) asked me to take the belt on my head, pretend like it's a dick, and slap her in the face with it.

 

Oh man. Buddy that got arrested just woke up. The cops FUCKED him up. Black eye, bruises all over his back. I fucking hate cops man, they are so corrupt in Hawaii.

 

This girl that was chatting me up commented on my belt and I assured her that it was the only thing that was limp and it got a chuckle out of her. I wish I had pictures.

 

I read this whole thread so I'm gonna go troll for a post and say Pics or none of this happened.

Carry on with the drunkeness...

 

Splash 3 turtles. Blood, guts, and shell everywhere along with a glorious spray of water.

Have you ever tried shooting a big gun from a small boat? I have no idea what loads I was shooting from my 30-30, but they kicked like a mother fucker. Somehow I stayed in the boat. No one was around to witness it so I didn't bray like a pirate. Sorry to disappoint y'all.

At least those fuckers won't be eating my bass and catfish fry.

I think I've finally hit the Happy Drunk stage. Maybe I'll go pet a raccoon....that should turn out well.

 

People where I live don't like to do fun things, so instead of going out last night, I got myself a fancy box of Franzia and took a page from Blue Dog's "drunk Final Fantasy" book. But since it was Halloween I played drunk Silent Hill instead and sufficiently freaked myself the fuck out until I had to switch to Left 4 Dead to get pumped up again. I think I'll do the same tonight...

 

I dressed up like Clint Eastwood and stood on the front porch with my shotgun and told the trick or treaters to "Get off of my lawn." They failed to see the humor, but now I have a big bowl of candy all to myself.

 

Went to a house party dressed as Beaker from The Muppets. Drank a lot. Made out with a short skirt hot cop and some other chick I don't remember and felt up some new saline boobies (got number). All in all it was an awesome night.

 

My porch light is currently burnt out... it's a new fixture & I'm not tall enough to change this one. No light = no trick or treaters. I have a bag of Take 5's and a bag of York peppermint patties all to myself. I intended on getting a ladder to change the bulbs and contribute to the dental decay of the youngsters, I really did. YPP & Take 5's are my favorites. Funny how things work out...