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We nicknamed him 'Crap Factory'

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Beefy Phil, Jul 9, 2010.

  1. Beefy Phil

    Beefy Phil
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    My roommate's friend brought her infant over to our apartment to show him off yesterday. As the roommate was bouncing him on her knee, the little midget decides that it's the perfect time to take a great big shit all over the front of her dress, diaper be damned. The look on her face was hysterical. The smell was not. But it did make me realize that babies are the only people who can literally crap on other person and still be as, if not more adorable than they were before. Even old people don't enjoy that kind of liberty. Babies are awesome.

    Focus: Funny baby stories. It's Friday, I'm hot and I'm still unemfuckingployed, so don't get too weird or serious with it. Go.
     
  2. Hoosiermess

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    Speaking of baby clips, the funniest part of Kung Pow....
     
    #2 Hoosiermess, Jul 9, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  3. Zazz

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    I went to my friend's for dinner, he has a 1 yr old girl, Emma, and a 4 yr old boy, Daniel. After dinner I was playing with Emma when suddenly she waddled away and hid behind a chair. I went over to her and could smell the butt-pee she had expelled. I asked if she was ok, and she said, "Danny did it." I assured my friend not to worry, she'll get better at lying, all in due time.
     
  4. JoeCanada

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    I have two 3 year old stories. It's the best I can do.


    I was teaching swimming lessons to a bunch of 3 year olds. The pool I worked at kind of sucked, so there was no kids pool; we just put in these foot high tables in the big pool, so the little kids could stand up and it wouldn't be too deep.

    As I'm working on something with one kid, this little girl, Anna, decides she's going to figure out what happens when she steps off the table. All in the same second, she steps off and immediately goes right under water, I began rushing over to save her (3 or 4 feet to cover), and her mom, who is watching from the side, freaks out.

    When I get Anna out of the water, the atmosphere is kind of tense. She had only been under for about 1, maybe 2 seconds, but her mom was on the verge of tears and the other kids in the class kind of froze because they sensed something was wrong. How does Anna react?

    With a giant grin on her face, "I GOED UNDER WATER! HAHAHA!"

    Her mom never brought her back.

    ---

    Another 3 year old, a different pool. This time I'm pulling the class around in the kiddie pool on a big mat. As usual, they're laughing and splashing around and having a great time. Keenan, however, is very preoccupied: he is grabbing handfulls of water with one hand, and he has his other hand by his chest so that arm forms a circle. I don't say anything at first, but he just keeps grabbing water with one hand and putting it in the circle formed by the other arm. Finally, I have to ask...

    Joe: Keenan, what are you doing??
    Keenan: I'm grabbing all the sharks and putting them in the garbage can.
    Some other kid: Oh, thanks!
     
  5. lostalldoubt86

    lostalldoubt86
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    My roommate and I had a dinner party the one night to meet her sister's new boyfriend. He brought along his 4 year old daughter. The boyfriend bought us a blender as a thanks-for-dinner gift and we decided to make margaritas. His daughter wanted to be like the adults, so we made her a virgin margarita.
    Cut to an hour later, someone must have left their drink on the table. We all went outside for a smoke, and when we came back his daughter had stripped out of her clothes and was running around the living room naked. Then, she stops very abruptly and vomits margarita all over the floor before passing out in the hall closet.
     
  6. WickedBitch

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    For starters:
    <a class="postlink-local" href="http://www.theidiotboard.com/viewtopic.php?p=51694#p51694" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">viewtopic.php?p=51694#p51694</a>


    Also, this lady pulled up her stroller and sat down next to me at the fair last weekend and started talking to me about how cute my baby is. I motioned to her stroller and mentioned that she has a baby too. She turned her stroller to face me and I nearly gasped. I swear that baby looked just like CHUD. I wish I'd gotten a picture. I had just recently mentioned to someone that I didn't think I had ever seen a truly ugly baby. Spoke too soon.
     
  7. PIMPTRESS

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    1. My boys, four and five, are of the opinion that black people are chocolate. When we see a black person in public they actually say " I love you, Chocolate!!" I really don't know what to say. I keep trying to explain that they are not chocolate and likely wouldn't taste all that great, but they just won't get it.

    2. They are compelled to announce bodily functions as if they are accomplshments. "I farted!" with a shit eating grin. They seem to prefer crowded, quiet environments for these precious moments.

    3. My five year old was so awesome when he was about a year old. His dad was throwing him up in the air despite my cautioning that I'd just fed him. He, being an idiot, had his mouth wide open as he tossed him...and my son hurled all over his face. In his mouth, eyes, even a bit in his ear. I laughed my ass off as his father handed him off to run and puke in the sink. Bullseye.
     
  8. Disgustipated

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    My three year old son loves to beat the snot out of anyone, so I've had to train him that he hits two things only: punching bags and daddy. I'm going to pay for that, but at least it'll keep the lawsuits to a minimum. He has a couple of foam swords he likes to use. While they're soft, the tips can sting if you catch them in a sensitive area.

    Last year I had a couple of interstate friends staying with me who are also fighters. One of them, Chris, was sitting on the couch when my son walks in with the swords and a big grin on his face. So Chris tells him to give him his best shot.

    My son draws them both overhead and whips them straight into Chris' nuts. Chris collapses on the floor and my little fella runs out of the room laughing his head off.
     
  9. Viking33

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    Two from when I was a kid.

    We lived outside of the city from when I was aged 2-13. We lived in a heavily wooded area and the neighbors houses couldn't be seen through the trees. Well in the course of playing in the woods, I would occasionally have to pee. Easy, drop my pants, find a tree and relieve. This worked well until dad had a bunch of his company big wigs over for a dinner when I was about three or four. Everyone was relaxing and talking on the back porch after dinner and I had run outside to play by the treehouse (in plain view of the porch). Well, I had to pee. So I did the usual and found a tree in the yard, dropped my pants and peed. While normal for me, this was hardly appropriate to do in front of the "Like A Good Neighbor" cigar munchers. According to dad (who had his back to me at the time) one of the guys was in the middle of telling a story when he stopped abruptly and started cracking up. The rest of the guests looked out towards the woods, saw my bare ass and began laughing hysterically. Dad can't figure it out until he turns and sees me fertilizing the tree, gets red in the face and yells, "VIKING, GET YOUR PANTS UP AND GO PISS IN THE HOUSE LIKE REAL PEOPLE!" I responded, "Can't daddy, it hurts to stop!" And I finished on the tree. Dad's friends thought it was hilarious but the spanking I received after was anything but.

    My second story was from when I was about two and just learning to run around. Whenever I pissed myself I would go hide in the dining room until mom realized I was nowhere to be found and would come find me and change my diaper. Well this time, as she was changing my diaper on the changing table, I decided I wasn't finished yet and let loose a stream. I managed to soak and ruin the curtains behind me and mom makes it a point to tell this story to prospective girlfriends when they come over for dinner. Thanks mom, they were just curtains. Is my dignity worth that? No. Stop it.
     
  10. thatone

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    What is cuter than a toddler? An angry toddler with the ability to fully express their anger using the sort of words that would be used by George Carlin or Richard Pryor.

    Yeah, I was that kid that everyone loved to rile up because nothing is more hilarious than hearing a three year old shout "fuck you!" at his uncle.

    One story that I've been told numerous times (yet I have no recollection of it) goes like this: - we were all on holiday (my family, uncles & aunts) and at the beach. Here in Australia, the majority of beaches also have pools built in at one end, where the sand finishes and the rocky heads emerge.

    We were all standing by this pool and I asked my aunt to put me in the water because I wanted to swim. She told me that I wasn't allowed to go in the water because I couldn't swim without my floaties (I don't know what they call them elsewhere - inflatable aquatic wings?) and, in any case, I was still wearing my clothes. I said I didn't care, and that she should put me in the water because I wanted to swim "NOW."

    That is when I got told that she didn't want me to be angry at her. So I told her I wouldn't be angry at her. I promised, I swore that I would not get angry at her at all.

    So she picked me up and tossed me in the water.

    Since I've been told this story enough times, I know exactly what follows my entry into the pool.

    "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH. I FUCKING HATE YOU, I AM WET AND MY CLOTHES ARE WET. I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH, FUCK YOU AUNTY *****"
     
  11. Mexicutioner

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    Pretty much the entirety of me growing up is on video. I had cousins that video taped every family function, and we got together at least twice a month if not more. It produced some hilarious situations. I put one below that I loaded on YouTube awhile back.

    I was two years old. It was my oldest brothers birthday, he was turning 8. My other brother was 6. My brother got 10 dollars for his birthday. I snatch it out of his hand and keep it away from him for quite an extended period of time. When the video was transferred to DVD they recorded over the actual snatching of the money for a split second but you can follow the action. My family said they should have submitted it to AFV:

     
    #11 Mexicutioner, Jul 13, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015