April 14, 2018 – NATIONAL GARDENING DAY – NATIONAL EX-SPOUSE DAY I am sweaty from the first and don't have the second. Time for a shower and a beer while I watch this storm roll in. Focus: Your best ex- story. Did she steal your dog? Light your couch on fire? Make you eat a burger with a tarantula on top? Spoiler "Pretty ladies bootylicious"
I got pushed backwards down a flight of duplex stairs by an ex. She was a real peach. She had all the appeal of a cinder block hanging from your neck that attracts angry hornets. “Why the fuck is your phone charging?!”...that would be a question shouted in my direction.
I had an ex that was 5150ed a few times. She left me for an alien...some fruit loop she met on the internet that thought he was from another planet. I hope to fuck they didn't breed, because if they did that poor kid would have no fucking chance.
Things you don't expect on the back of a baseball card ..."I was shot by a deranged girl" Eddie Waitkus was the inspiration for the scene in The Natural where Roy Hobbs was shot.
My brother in law and his fiancé just asked me to officiate their wedding. Because I am an ordained minister, which I did online as a joke because I’m atheist and, well, I’m me. There’s obviously the sentimental reasons for having a family member marry them, though it wasn’t insignificant that they agreed with my joke though. I teared up when they asked me. And then we laughed like crazy while their crazy religious family members tried to figure out why I was legally allowed to officiate their wedding.
Aaaand things now got real: I was asked to play acoustic guitar and sing their wedding song. This went really quick from "oh what an honor" to "you motherfuckers I just sing in the shower!!!" ...... can anyone with stage experience help me??? @toytoy88 @Nettdata I have like two months to prepare.
I don't have an ex-spouse or spouse. I do love some gardening; check the Permanent Threads, you idiots. Really, all I wanted to do was post Amanda Shires singing one of my favorite Leonard Cohen songs.
Practice a lot. And then remember that you are not the focus of that moment, and don’t sweat it. They’ll be thinking about the song and its meaning to them, and not the intricacies of your performance - and they’ll be totally grateful and impressed. Not trying to diminish what you’re doing at all - just don’t get in your head about it. People only notice mistakes when you point them out with your body language. Or you can do a mash-up with “waiting on the world to change” and blow some minds...
And when they know the song. Just write a couple of your hit original tunes and play those. Use the words "love" and "forever" a lot.
If you don't think you can pull it off, then bail now. Otherwise, practice like a motherfucker until you can play the thing without even thinking about it. Play the song until you can carry on a conversation with someone while still playing it. Don't just play the guitar part, sing the song as many times as you can, properly. Don't fall into the trap of "I'll sing it the right way when I'm on stage"... that never works out as well as you think it might. Video tape yourself playing it so you know what it actually looks/sounds like. Just have fun with it.
Oh, and if you showcase the song to your wife, and she says, "that's perfect!"... don't believe her, because if there's one thing I've picked up about your relationship, it's that she's fucking with you and looking to have you crash and burn in public.
That's a thousand percent accurate. Hell I'm still kinda suspicious she married me only to have someone to fuck with.
Also, if they're gonna have you sing a Thomas Rhett song, you might as well sing some fucking Bieber too while you're at it.
I honestly don't have anything bad to say about my ex, except that she is incapable of releasing a grudge, or talking about what she wants sexually. But, we're still really good friends. Like, we hang out once a week or so, to watch the shows we watch together. We're good.