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Watch your fucking mouth

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Frebis, Jan 20, 2011.

  1. Frebis

    Frebis
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    As one can imagine, much like on this board, in real life I am a hate filled, sarcastic bastard. At work I must be a propper gentleman. It really sucks a dick. On several occasions I have let something slip that should never be said anywhere, let alone the work place. I have also gotten a talking to about my mouth on several occasions because of these slips. Luckily I'm good enough at what I do they haven't sent me packing yet.

    This morning I had this exchange with a coworker who is 24 years old.

    Coworker- "I want to have four or five kids, but my wife only wants three. This is causing a lot of stress in the house right now"

    Frebis- makes a gagging noise

    Coworker- "Come on Frebis, I just want to share my love. How many kids do you want to have?"

    Frebis- "Negative 3"

    Coworker- "Ugh, You mean you want to kill other people's kids?"

    Frebis- "No, I want to "help women" by volunteering at the free clinic"

    It was around this time that I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

    Coworker- "You are a terrible person"

    Frebis- "Is this because I don't have a medical lisence?"

    He huffed and puffed before walking away to tell my boss. I'm sure I will get a talking to later today. I really just don't understand how anyone could want kids (let alone that many). The idea of having children offends me more than abortions do him. I hate working in an office. I really wish I was good enough at something else, so I could work somewhere where this kind of talk would be tolerated (maybe at the DNC).

    Focus: We all know you are a thundering asshole, and if you have a real job, chances are you have to be a two faced bitch and play nice for the public. Tell a story about a time when you failed to keep it in check. How were you punished?
     
  2. DrFrylock

    DrFrylock
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    I have never gotten in trouble for letting something slip, although I've come close a couple times. Once I was riding back to the airport on a hotel shuttle with a bunch of conference attendees and I made a snide remark about rednecks. I figured that I didn't see any on the shuttle and that nobody would jump up to defend them, but then again it was mixed company and I wasn't totally sure. Got lucky that time.

    Another time, in grad school, I was going out to one of these big birthday group lunches with a bunch of the other students - maybe 12 of them. One guy showed up who was this perpetual grad student - he was off working a real job and he'd been a grad student for like 10 years and still wasn't anywhere close to finishing. No matter what, finishing or not finishing is a by default a touchy subject in grad school. Anyway, he walks in with a shirt on that has an infinity sign on the front. Some logo for something. He's off at the other end of the table and I muttered:

    "Oh look, Bob has his graduation date on his shirt."

    Well two guys look down the other end of the table and burst out laughing WAY too loudly, and then everybody wants to know what's so funny. Now when I said it, it wasn't nearly loud enough for Bob to hear, and there was a huge kerfuffle to try to cover it now. Barely lucked out then, too.
     
  3. Kubla Kahn

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    Im guessing he's a super devote Catholic and she is a little less devote. I had a buddy growing up who was SUPER Catholic and was a virgin until marriage. He got his wife pregnant the first month they were married and theyre on their 2nd or 3rd and theyve only been married for two years. He was also 24 when he was married.


    Focus: One of my part time jobs in college was working at a Gap Clearance Center. One night after we had closed I was cleaning up my section which included the women's bathing suit rack. It was a fucking mess and I had to re hang hundreds of tops and bottoms. It was taking so long that a manager complained over the headsets why I wasnt finished yet. I blurted out,

    "Because Ive got to sniff each pair thoroughly before I can hang them."

    All the floor workers bursted out laughing and I was called to the back and written up immediately. It seems a lot creepier now but I remember rolling my eyes when my manager gave me the lecture about sexual harassment. The place was so desperate to hold onto workers that Id get away with murder there. This is also the job where I hooked up with multiple coworkers during my tenure.
     
  4. PIMPTRESS

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    I am a server at an "upscale" breakfast joint in a botox heavy demographic. This leads to a great many painful conversations, I take Xanax so I don't lose my mind.Sedated PIMPTRESS is a touch nicer.

    Still, I have been a bit mouthy.

    Lady-"Is your Orange juice fresh squeezed."

    Me-"Yes, it is." (thinking it is described as such where she reading it on the fucking menu.)

    Lady-"I don't really like pulp."

    Me- "Well, there is a lot of that in it, being 'fresh squeezed' and all."

    Lady-" Could you strain it for me?" This is accompanied by an attempt at looking doe-eyed and pleading...

    Me-"Ma'am, I am not a servant. Absolutely not."

    Or another:

    A table of painful teenagers that I can only hope natural selection does it's thing.

    16 or17 year old girl "What is the difference between a pancake and a waffle?"

    Me- "Are you serious? I am busy, don't have time for silly games."

    she flushes and stammers that she does not know, she has heard both terms before but doesn't know.

    I ask her "How are you still alive? How have you failed to make an association to either one? Are you still in diapers?" Her boyfriend saves her by googling pictures on his iphone.

    These little bastards may be breeding as we speak.

    Both complained to my boss, but he is an asshole who finds me funny, so we just laughed in the kitchen at the rich folk.
     
  5. Solaris

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    I told what I thought was a very amusing joke on the first day of class:

    "Q.What did the disabled boy get for Christmas?

    A. Cancer"

    The person I told it too told it to the next person who told it to the next group with the outrage growing with each repetition until the whole class was staring at me and calling me a monster.
     
  6. Natty

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    Told your boss? What a fucking bitch. As he was walking towards your boss' office I would have exclaimed "Go forth young man! Proliferate the pussification of America!"

    In any event, I was at some stupid Cinco de Mayo (or whatever) party for work last year; mostly because it provided justification for leaving work at 2PM and it supplied free beer. It was after a pretty significant achievement I assisted with for my program, so I was talking to the Captain (our Program Manager) and some other folks. After the typical shop talk, the adults in the circle started talking about their kids and getting accepted into college. So the Captain goes on regarding his daughter going to Ohio State. I listen to his diatribe, respond with nothing. This relatively hot lady then said, "Yeah, my daughter is going to Arizona State." To which I immediately respond, "Is your daughter hot?" Because I live in this idyllic-based reality that all girls that go to school in the state of Arizona are in fact, hot as Mercury.

    It took the Captain about 2 seconds to respond "What, my daughter can't be hot?" To which I replied "Eh, I'd never be interested in someone who's excited to be a Buck Eye, so I couldn't care less."

    Yes, the young Engineer was busting on a Navy Captain's daughter, at least that was the way it was obviously construed.

    I thought it was funny, he did not...nor did any one else. Some days are better than others I guess.
     
  7. Mantis Toboggan M.D.

    Mantis Toboggan M.D.
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    Not necessarily, could just be someone who is easily offended/has no sense of humor. I am politically/morally very pro-life* but it doesn't stop me from making abortion and dead baby jokes. I also make racist jokes at every opportunity despite not actually being racist at all (I hate black people and Mexicans, but no more or less than I hate everyone else).

    I don't really have any great examples of this from work, although I'm sure there are a few that just aren't popping into my head at the moment. In addition to being a raging asshole I also have very little filter, and tend to just blurt out whatever asshole thought pops into my head at any given moment. I do however have a few from social situations. I've had to bite my lip on numerous occasions to avoid dropping a "that's what she said" in response to something said by one of my grandparents.

    However, my favorite was a few years ago (I vaguely remember telling this story on the old board, possibly in a R&R the day after it happened). 4 to be exact, since I'd just come home from watching BC roll Miami of Ohio to advance to the Frozen Four, and was still wearing my BC jersey when I went out to meet some friends at a bar near BU's campus (I lived in a BU neighborhood). I'm staggeringly drunk and start talking to this cute blonde girl at the bar. I have no idea what I was saying but she was absolutely eating it up and things were going very well. I compliment her on something and she gives me a playful, flirty "oh, I bet you say that to all the girls". I respond "no, just the cute ones".

    She smiles at me and gives me the "lean in and make out with me" body language. I don't really know how to describe it but every guy knows what I'm talking about. Game, set, match. I could lean in and seal the deal....but instead I decide to try to make her laugh just a bit more. A few seconds of silence have passed since the "just the cute ones" line, and I decide to fill the silence with "or the ones I'm drunk enough to think are cute".

    I thought it was self-deprecatingly funny. She didn't, and mysteriously at that exact moment had to go catch up with her friends. Ah well, at least I got a funny story out of it.

    * - Not that this disclaimer will stop the tolerant lefties from red-dotting me for saying that, but it's because I actually believe life begins at conception, not because I'm some evil misogynist who wants to control women
     
  8. pterodactyl

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    I worked at Lids (hat store) in the mall when I was in college. Being in the mall I had to deal with middle/highschoolers all day but with them you could be a dick to their face and they wouldn't care. The old people who had no clue were the ones that caused the most problems. We'd get phone calls all the time and generally they'd ask "do you have a (insert team) hat? One day I answered the phone one day and had this conversation.

    Me: Thanks for calling Lids how can I help you?
    Him: Do you have a hat...(pause)
    I waited probably 5 seconds for him to finish his question but he didn't
    Me: Uhh...we have lots of hats...

    He gets all mad and talks about me being disrespectful and hangs up. I'm dumbfounded and just stand there and laugh about it with my coworker. Apparently this guy was so pissed, he called our corporate office which redirected him to our regional manager and complained that I was a dick, and he came into the store to complain to our store manager. Nothing really happened, our store manager didn't give a shit and our regional manager just had a talk with me next time he was in our store.

    I eventually got fired after being accused of stealing the bank deposit (something like $200), which was awesome in its own. The GM asking me if I had gambling debts and owed someone money, then backpedaling when I said "are you accusing me of stealing?" then insisting on getting the cops involved was great. The deposit got stuck in the deposit box. I also was accused of stealing hats and selling hats to my friends. It was the highschool eye candy the manager hired selling them to their friends for $.01 or just letting them outright steal them.
     
  9. Misanthropic

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    I generally keep my sense of humor under tight control until I get to know my audience. A few years ago when my daughter was 3 or 4, someone at work asked if my wife and I were going to have any more kids. "We don't need to", I replied." There's a grammar school right up the street. I can go get another kid anytime I want."

    That put an end to the intrusive questions.
     
  10. cpt0

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    I remember a long time ago , working in this survey office ( working for a major telco). One of the girls working there was really, really hot, and there would be a constant cloud of guys around her on breaks and stuff trying to "integrate themselves" into said girl.

    So post break one day there's maybe 15 people in the elevator and while it's going up ( the office was on something like the 20th floor) hotgirl just kept complaining about her ass being too big, that she was fat, and all that shit ( which is total bullshit). I actually rolled my eyes and she saw me.

    Hotgirl : What ?
    Me : *laughs* Are you kidding ? Your ass is fucking amazing, and seriously, I think you like to complain for no reason.

    Doors open, I go to my office, not noticing the the entire elevator ( including the male posse and hotgirl) doing their "o face" in shock. Naturally the entire office heard about it within 4 minutes, and eventually a friend ( who was after hotgirl too) comes to talk to me about this , telling me how everyone was shocked and all.

    Me : What, so you're gonna try to tell me that you don't find hotgirl's ass fantastic?
    Buddy : Well... huh.... yeah, but you can't say that out loud.

    Funny thing is : she never complained about that shit ever again.
     
  11. framerpro

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    At work, we are all usually very tolerant of racial jokes and horrible humor. So one day my friend Osvaldo was getting ready to go up on the roof to work, so I told him to go and get the fall protection from the job shack. So off he goes, to get the ropes etc. and I stay to talk about some things with the foreman. In the meantime, the superintendent walks up to talk some things over with my foreman. Osvaldo comes back and says "I couldn't find it." I look at him in disbelief, then say "Are you fucking kidding me? I told you exactly where it was." Then as I turn to go and get it myself I let slip, "God, never send a Mexican to do a white boys job." Both my foreman and Ozzy had smiles on their faces, the super was not so amused as he promptly stated in fairly loud tones "I will not tolerate racism on my job-site." I quickly had to back-pedal and say it was a joke and promise never to do it again. But other than that I didn't really get in trouble.
    Then there was another time when my brother brought one of his Mexican friends to dinner, and I started making racial jokes at the table. Me and him knew each other pretty well, the rest of my family didn't know that. They were giving me the funniest stares. My brothers friend and I were laughing and I knew he was okay with it. I got a stern talking to about being racist. I'm not racist, I just think those jokes are funny.
     
  12. Nettdata

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    The short version:

    I was at military college, and played on the school rugby team.
    Thanksgiving tournament with about 50 teams, we order outdoor hot tubs for our motel.
    It's a VERY popular attraction to the local girls.
    2nd night of the tournament, hot half naked chicks are getting sloppy in the tubs.
    An older guy comes up and yells at us, and we proceed to tell him to go fuck himself.
    It's his daughter in the tub with us, tits hanging out, and he drags her away, understandably pissed right off.
    We laugh, and think nothing of it. Yes, we were dicks.

    2.5 months later, we have a mess dinner.
    Guess who the guest of honour was?
    Fuck. He was a full on colonel.
    He saw us, and he smiled. He SMILED. Then he had a little chat with our Vice Commandant.
    7 of us got 2 months of S2, which is basically house arrest and extra duties and rifle drill every day from 5am to 11pm.

    Her tits weren't worth it.
     
  13. scotchcrotch

    scotchcrotch
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    I operate a high-stress business, and although we have to be professional on the phone, I probably set the worst example outside of dealing with customers.

    I've broken multiple headsets, kicked chairs, etc. Everyone in my office swears, I get violent.


    So I can't necessarily get mad at an employee for dropping the F bomb when I just broke a $300 phone with my fist.
     
  14. JoeCanada

    JoeCanada
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    I'm happily unemployed at the moment, so I can just yell racial slurs all I want when I wake up at noon. Livin' the dream, baby!
     
  15. bukowskionice

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    I present to you Exhibit A and Exhibit B--the two instances that got me fired from my serving job about 6 years ago. I still hold to the belief that these were absolutely tame, particularly when compared to what we got away with consistently while working retail back in the first couple years of college.

    A: We were one of the 8 billion chains to serve a type of mini desert or dessert shot. Two couples in their mid-30s were at the table, and one of the guys wanted me to bring the little plastic mock-up rack by for them to check out. Apparently his wife/girlfriend didn't know they were dessert shots and was expecting a full-blown dessert rack. She looks up when I get to the table and said, "Oh, I thought you were going to bring me something bigger."

    I was a schmuck who had just turned 21. "That's what she said," instantly blurted out of my mouth, resulting in a $20.00 tip from the couple, but about $5.00 from the other couple, paired with a complaint to corporate for being inappropriate.

    B: Little yuppie family drops in. The mom had left her purse in the car when it came time to pay the bill and was about to excuse herself to run out to the parking lot to grab it. She looked at her kid, who couldn't have been more than 5 or 6, and jokingly said, "Haha (kid's name), looks like you're washing dishes tonight." Which was immediately met with, "I hope he speaks Spanish."

    Somehow this offended the white people enough for a corporate complaint. Fuck, if I'm going to get fired for something referencing the Mexican guys in our kitchen, I'd have rather gone out on a much higher note than that.

    "Looks like you're washing dishes tonight..."
    Good. Juanito's girlfriend just popped out kid #11. He could really use your kid's social security number.

    "Looks like you're washing dishes tonight..."
    You like cerveza, little homie? Tell you what, you can pick the donkey for tonight's show.
     
  16. StayFrosty

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    Spoilered for length.
    A few months back the place I work at hired a unique (read: run of the mill) girl. She was one of those "my perfect boyfriend dumped me and moved away, so I'm going to do whatever I can to get attention" types. She was well-known around the place for flirting with anything that had a cock.

    One particular shift, she and a male coworker were trying to talk me into doing part of their job so they could leave early. I kept saying no, they kept asking. Finally, I said that if one of them would blow me, I would help them out.

    She giggled and said no, he told me I should blow him and then do his job. They walked off, she came back a few minutes later. With a shit-eating grin that likely looked twisted because of how hard I was fighting not to laugh outright, I looked at her and said "What if I said please?"

    I didn't lose my job, but the joke was on me. She half-assedly complained to the manager on duty, a friend of mine, in front of ten people. He started shouting at me about being inappropriate and to get in the office. I took three steps before he said, "Nah, just fucking with you." and walked away laughing.

    Looking back, had any other manager been on that shift, I would be homeless right now.

    Along the lines of those damnably irresistible one-liners, a couple of girls were having a salad the other night. For some reason one of them was using a damn cocktail fork and wondering why she couldn't get more than a tiny leaf of lettuce at a time. She said something along the lines of "This is taking, like, way too long."

    Without a thought, I replied, "Maybe you need something bigger."

    Yeah, I don't know how I'm still employed either.
     
  17. Disgustipated

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    Thankfully, I no longer have clients. Instead, my day revolves around talking to staff, partners, government and... if I'm truly lucky.... a pissed off customer.

    I never lose it with the customers. They're the ones losing it. I find it infuriates them much more if I maintain a calm, rational tone and always speak clearly and civilly. This usually ends up either placating them enough to have a sensible conversation, or drives them right over the edge. Getting to either of those two quickly saves a lot of time.

    I reserve my "losing the plot" for when I'm talking to partners as they understand the shit that goes on, and they can take it without me getting a workplace dispute.

    A year or so ago, one of the partners in an office up North rang me about a dipshit customer who'd been truly painful. The partner was a fairly conservative woman in her 60s. I finished the conversation, and hung up the phone to see my two co-directors staring at me with their mouths open.

    I asked, "What?"

    They replied, "You just swore at Trish on the phone."

    "I did what now?"

    "You were talking and slipped in a 'fuck' in the middle."

    I had zero recollection of doing it, had never done it before and have never done it since. Trish never mentioned it either.
     
  18. Crown Royal

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    I used to once work at Home Depot.

    I hated it. I hated it every single day. I've never been to a place that pays so low while making SOOOOOOOOOOOO much money and at the same time not giving a flying fuck about its employees (at all). A tough spot made me apply there and I was working in the flooring department. This is the kind of place where they send "undercover customers" in to make sure you (as an employee) are doinf EVERY DINGLE THING CORRECT IN THE ABSOLUTE CORRECT ORDER.

    This happened to me, and because I didn't offer to help the customer carry his shit to the checkout, they told me I was going to be micromanaged and my job was on the line.

    I decided that wasn't soon enough. I slammed the office door of the store manager and started screaming.

    "YOU PAY US SHIT AND NOW YOU ARE MICROMANAGING US. EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT WORKS HERE HATES THE STORE AND HATES ALL OF YOU IN MANAGEMENT. I DON'T WORK FOR YOU ANYMORE, AND I'LL MAKE IT MY MISSION IN LIFE TO PREVENT ANYBODY FROM MAKING THE SAME STUPID FUCKING MISTAKE."

    I instantly tore open my locker and left. The "escorted" me out. Walking out, I said to every customer on my way out "This is what happens to people that speak the truth." So, they told me to keep quiet as if they still held sway.

    "I'll say whatever I want WHENEVER I want. What are you gonna do, Fire me again? Did I mention I was high more than half the time I was working?!?! Why don't you throw that into my 'permanent record'!!!"

    I was out of work for luckily about 48 hours. Best exit I've ever made.

    Fuck Home Depot, burn it, send it to hell. You'd have more fun working witht he Mexicans that gather in the parking lot every morning. I wouldn't even reccomend it as a "first job" for teens.
     
  19. madamsquirrel

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    I can't remember any work related instances but I say things all the time that are not appropriate for the situation. My favorite was from elementary school We were standing in line outside about to enter the classroom after lunch. I was talking to my friends about whatever topic was of utmost importance in the sixth grade. The teacher comes over to me and comments something along the lines of why do I always have to talk so much. I preceded to turn around and respond "why do you have to be an asshole all the time?". This was met with a swift trip to the principal's office who made me call my mom myself and tell her what I did. Good times.
     
  20. Wadget

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    is it inappropriate to ask a girl you've never met to slow dance?

    As she flat out refused, i'd say yes, yes it was inappropriate.