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"Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by E. Tuffmen, Jan 23, 2010.

  1. E. Tuffmen

    E. Tuffmen
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    Anyone ever hear of the The sleep talkin man? I saw this the other day and the shit he says is hysterical. Just a few gems:

    "Hey, don't... don't say anything. Why don't you put it in an email, then I can ignore it at my pleasure."

    "If I wanted to see a long nose and a big ass, I'd look at a horse."

    "Butt cheeks ahoy! There she blows!"

    "You can't be a pirate if you haven't got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules."

    "We haven't got a plank. Just fucking jump."

    "Yes I'm sad, but if you stood further away, I'd be happier. No, further away. Well, let's face it, just fucking CUNT OFF! Thank you, I appreciate it."

    FOCUS: Discus the hilarity that is this man's subconscious.

    ALTERNATE FOCUS: Discuss funny shit you or your significant other has said or done while sleeping.

    Several months ago, as I was getting into bed my wife said "What are you doing in my bed?" I stopped just as my ass hit the bed, cocked my head and asked, "What?"

    "What are YOU doing in MY bed?"

    "What are you talking bout? I'm your husband."

    "I know you're my husband..... (disgusted) Never mind. Snoring then commenced.
     
  2. Samr

    Samr
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    My fiance gets violent in her sleep.

    We had been dating for maybe 3-4 months, and had just recently started sleeping together (yes, she was a virgin when we met; Grind, et. al., this is what you have to look forward to) when we were invited down for a few nights on my parents' boat.

    At about 2:00 in the morning, she sat straight up in bed, eyes awake, and got on top of me on all fours. I'm a light sleeper, so this woke me up.

    "Hey babe, you ok?"

    Then she got this demonic look in her eyes, and with a gutteral, holy-shit-she-got-this-from-The-Ring moan she goes, "Burn, baby, BURN!!!"

    "Wha-whaaat?!?!"

    She then calmly rolled over and laid back down on her side of the bed.

    "Babe, what was that for?"

    "Oh, it's just me!" and she smiled and went back to sleep.

    No recollection at all. I should have taken that as a hint, because since that day I have been: punched in the face, stomach, and nose several times (the last time she actually made it bleed), backhanded across the face, kicked in the side, legs, and stomach, and most recently, racked -- she rolled over, got up on all fours, and body slammed my balls before I had time to get the hell out of the way.

    I get even with my farts.
     
  3. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    My wife and I are light sleepers and we've woken up from bad dreams violently, sometimes we tag each other pretty good. One night she screamed "KILL THE SNAKE!!!"... then drove her fist right down onto my throat. I had a bruise there for a week.
     
  4. kuhjäger

    kuhjäger
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    My college roommate had some interesting conversations while he was asleep. My favorite:

    I killed 50 less than a company of them. Fucking Jews.
     
  5. Maltob14

    Maltob14
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    I was around 12 and it is the only time I have ever sleep walked. Basically I got up and started running around the house which woke everyone up. Then my mom finds me sitting on the toilet fully dressed. She asks me what the fuck I am doing so I tell her that I was on the train headed home. I then tell her this is my stop, get up and start to leave the house. Just before I could leave the front door she convinces me to go into the kitchen and have something to eat first. As soon as I sat down I went back to normal sleep.

    I don't do anything crazy but I challenge anyone to have as fucked up and elaborate dreams as I do. Some days I wake up laughing at how much of a retard I am.
     
  6. Bundy Bear

    Bundy Bear
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    Posted this one in the sleep thread a while back but my brother caught me singing the entire speed racer theme song word for word and humming the bits in between, strange thing was the show hadn't been on tv for around ten years.

    I've told a housemate his keys were on Jupiter.

    Scared the same housemate and his girlfriend shitless as apparently there were children with guns and I was going to get them all before they killed me.

    Got real excited one night about going on a drive and passing road signs, have also told people to shut up or fuck off.

    My dreams are all fucked up.
     
  7. Sam N

    Sam N
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    I lived with a guy who sleep talked all the time. Being that we were alcoholics, he'd pass out in a chair or on the couch in the living room once in awhile, and I would be privy to his nocturnal conversations with himself. Usually it was just mumbling, but sometimes he'd break out in a "Fuck....FUCK YOU! Get away from me!" and one he screamed out, "Just take the fucking LID off it and POUR the FUCKER! YEAHHHH!!!" I have a feeling it was either gasoline, lube, or booze he was dreaming about, though I'm not sure I want to know in what context.

    Personally, I used to sleep walk quite a bit when I was younger, and still do it once in awhile. A couple years ago I was sleeping at a sort-of-girlfriend's house and in the middle of the night I got up and threw every pair of her underwear down the stairs where the washing machine was. If this was my sub-conscious telling me she was a filthy whore, it was right.
     
  8. dixiebandit69

    dixiebandit69
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    My ex-wife said that I would sleep talk about my job (I never remember doing it, but I believe her).
    Back when I was working for an independent automotive shop, I was always dog tired when I got home because we had a lot of business and a lot of interaction with the customers. As soon as I was in a supine position, I would usually doze off, and sometimes she didn't notice and would talk to me anyway.
    She said that I would talk to her like she was one of the other workers, saying things like:
    -hey, just give me the ticket for that brake job.
    - Did you tell the customer about her recommended services?
    - Maam, I needed to let you know that your car needs __________.

    But the worst sleep talking (or maybe you would call it "wake talking") was when I was working at Wendy's, when I was 18-19. I ALWAYS* worked the drive-through, and every time a car drove up, I would hear a beeping in my headset.
    During that time, sometimes when my alarm clock (Digital, with a beep) would go off, I would wake up saying "Welcome to Wendy's, may I take your order?!"

    *They put me on drive-through because I have a deep voice that "projects" and I speak very clearly.
     
  9. Marjorine

    Marjorine
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    A while ago my boyfriend told me in a very gentle voice that I was going to Hell. Not "Go to hell" but "You're going to Hell. I pray for you." I asked him to repeat himself and he did, then I said "Oh, you're asleep" and he mumbled something incoherently. In the morning he had no recollection of this. It was extremely creepy, especially since he was raised Catholic but is pretty much Atheist these days (consciously, anyway).

    The other night I was saying "Every the light enough for you can't?" and when my boyfriend asked me if I was asleep, I lied, apparently. I used to talk in my sleep a lot when I was younger, mostly gibberish, but I knew one girl who would scream in her sleep and then wake herself up. Sucked for sleepovers.
     
  10. dixiebandit69

    dixiebandit69
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    MY EX-WIFE JUST DID THIS!
    I went to pick up my son from his grandmother's house, where he and his mom live, and when I got there, she was asleep on the couch. I told her that he and I were going out for awhile, and he would be back tonight.
    SHE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME WHEN I TOLD HER THIS.
    Just a couple of hours ago she called me, frantically wanting to know where our son is. She had no recollection of it at all. My son even hugged her goodbye, and she said it back.
     
  11. Striding Man

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    That place is full of awesomeness. Ones like this:

    "Snail fiddling is not an occupation I'd be proud of. You dirty fucker."

    and this:

    "Butter... nut... squash. I like those words."

    Had me literally shaking with laughter while trying to hold it in!


    p.s. been lurking on the board for a while. thanks for gettin it going after RMMB went down
     
  12. E. Tuffmen

    E. Tuffmen
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    My step-son is just like this. When he was a few years younger he would sleep walk almost every night. He would come right up to you and have complete conversations and you would swear he was wide awake. He also sleeps with his eyes partly open. It's freaky. He drives us crazy sometimes, but ya gotta love his insanity. Keeps things interesting.
     
  13. SaintBastard

    SaintBastard
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    Disturbed

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    A few favorites:

    "I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."
    "Badger tickling: proceed with caution"
    "Well if I'm the douchebag, you're the contents, Titfuck!"
    "Butt cheeks ahoy! There she blows!"
    [yelled upon waking] "COCK HUNTER!"
     
  14. miss_c

    miss_c
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    I dream I'm in fights with people. I have kicked my boyfriend in the butt and in the junk after dreaming that I was having a fight with a girl I used to be a close friend with. My Dad does the same thing. There have been many nights my Mum has woken up screaming in pain, or with bruises from Dad dream fighting.

    I also have extremely vivid dreams and I usually dream about people I have been in contact with that day. I also sometimes dream about actors I may have seen in a movie/on TV before I go to sleep. A few years ago I had a dream about Jon Voight forcing me to watch him torture some woman, then hunting me down when I tried to run away. I woke up screaming from that dream and have been unable to watch Jon Voight since then.

    I will also sit straight up in bed, mumble something incoherent and then lay back down and go back to sleep. I never remember this in the morning
     
  15. Stealth

    Stealth
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    While holidaying in Greece in 2003 , I spent a few weeks at a cousins place on the spare bed.
    One night after a long and tiring day , I dreamt that I was in a fight with the Incredible Hulk and in my dream did a flying side-kick into the Hulk ... and woke up to find myself fallen off the bed.
    Luckily the bed was quite close to the ground, I hadn't sustained any injuries and I made minimal noise as the floor was polished concrete.
    I quickly got into bed after a few moments of WTF.
     
  16. TJMax

    TJMax
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