Valentine's Schmalentines

Well it's that time for us guys. Valentine's Day. The ladies expect us to be at the top of our game and usually we manage to live up to the hype (I think). Alot of the time it's last minute or really expensive, but we get it done. Let's share some ideas so those of us with the creativity of a rock can get some this Valentine's Day.

Focus: Guys, what are your plans for this Valentine's Day? What was the best one you've pulled off? Girls, what's your dream Valentine's Day?

Alt. Focus: What was the worst Valentine's Day you've heard of, witnessed, or experienced?

 

Fuck I dunno. As I've mentioned several times before, my girlfriend does all her gift shopping at Needful Things. I'll probably try to plan a weekend trip somewhere or hope to God that there's some cool concert or event going on that weekend.

 

Not a damn thing. Nothing. Nada.

As some of you may be aware Mrs. Noland lost her engagement ring. We got the insurance check for it Friday and went and bought a replacement on Saturday. She ended up buying a sapphire and diamond ring so big I'm embarrassed to even tell you. We didn't spend any more money than the insurance check, but it is one big blue rock.

So I might say "Happy Valentine's Day", but after that, nothing.

 

Focus:
Nothing special. Thank god my girlfriend has the ability to recognize the uselessness of Valentine's Day. We're going to make dinner, like we would any other night, and lay on the couch and watch House, like we would any other night.

(The majority of the) People who celebrate Valentine's Day are the same idiots who give significance to things like 6 month anniversaries. They see hearts and red and pink and they get all excited when their significant other brings them token gifts that they probably didn't want to get and bought last minute anyway, all in the name of love, cupid's arrows, and cinnamon-scented puppy farts.

Fuck that. You want to show a girl you really care? Surprise her with something little because you wanted to on a day with no meaning whatsoever.

 

Focus:
Valentines Day, 2003. My girlfriend at the time drove down from upstate NY to visit me at my college and celebrate Valentines Day. I somehow got inspired to make this a great Valentines Day and, since my roommate had moved out, I had the entire room to myself. I went to the local flower shop and purchased a few bags of rose petals, and stored them in my fridge for later that night. We went out and partied at my fraternity house, and when we got back, I had her wait outside my room while I got the room ready. I spread the petals all over the floor and the bed, lit some candles, and let her in.

It was a great night, until we got up from having sex on the rose petals and realized they were artificially colored; and we were now stained head to toe with the dye. Not only that, but our clothes, my bed, the floor... All stained. Whoops.

 

I'm going to watch the movie Valentine's Day on repeat for 24 hours and eat my body weight in chocolate truffles.

FOCUS: I've only had one Valentine's Day where I was in a long-term relationship, and I think I did pretty good. Drove down to NYC for the weekend, stayed in a cool Theater District hotel, saw In the Heights, and went out to dinner at a fun and reasonably priced French restaurant. The tables at the restaurant were packed in, and the people next to us were four older gay gentlemen. It actually ended up working out pretty well. They were hilarious. They also bought us two bottles of wine. One of the guys was dying, I'm pretty sure of AIDS, so it made the whole experience really memorable. The girl and I made plans to meet them again at the same restaurant this year, but something tells me she's too busy sucking a forest of cocks.

 

I'm going to use my left hand.

 

I will be on a plane to Georgia on Valentines Day. The good thing is the girl hates this day so nothing is expected. I'm a douche though so I imagine I'll do something.

 

I like Valentine's Day, even though I haven't had one where I've been in a relationship/been in the same state as my boyfriend for the past four years. I like to celebrate any holiday, really, because you might as well, and I'm mushy and like love, and like celebrating it even if it's just the love I have for my friends. The best one I had was last year (even though it started with me accidentally dumping a guy I'd been dating for a few months, but that was part of what was good about it, for me). Me and my friends got together with a couple bottles of wine, baked cupcakes, and watched a couple of romantic comedies projected up on my friend's bedroom wall. That's generally how I've celebrated it with friends every year, but for whatever reason, last year was really fun. When I've celebrated it with a guy, I always expected it to be acknowledged, but I never expected any more of an elaborate date than usual. Dinner (out or in) and exchanging a little gift is fine by me.

My worst Valentine's Day related experience (because I've never really had a bad one), was a few years ago when I was preparing for the holiday with my long-distance boyfriend. My card was a book. Yes, I made a book. It had painted illustrations and stitched binding and a cute little story. I was working on putting the finishing touches on it, and since I do everything in my bed, I always put whatever project I'm working on right besides my bed on the floor whenever I'm not working on it. Well, that weekend, my suitemate and best friend got ripshit drunk (I guess me and my roommate had stayed in, don't remember the details) and she came stumbling into our room and we had to take care of her the rest of the night. She was sitting on our floor and started puking and we had her set up with a garbage can and everything but the next morning I looked down and the book was COVERED in puke. It had to be thrown out and entirely made again in half the time. I was so upset.

I also have a feeling this one's going to be sad, because even though I've never been the girl who uses it as an excuse to get all depressed, I don't really have any friends here so I've been lonely regardless and it might kick into overdrive for the day. My plan for the day is to make a really elaborate tart, so maybe I'll be distracted enough by it.

 

Focus: Same plans as last year: Tyrannosaurus Sex on The Discovery Channel. It's fucking awesome and I cannot wait. But since I'm sorta seeing someone, I have a feeling that we'll be watching it together on his couch. Naked.

I absolutely despise gift exchanges on this particular day, so I'm thinking that he'll "gift" me with a home-cooked dinner (and oh Lawd, the man can cook) and I'll "gift" him with first-time anal. Preferably not in that order, because he uses a lot of oils and butter and that has the potential to end badly. But yeah, it's going to be awesome and I'm actually...excited.

 

Wait, you want him cooking food for you after he plays with your balloon knot? No ammount of soap can make that anywhere close to sanitary. I would recomend putting 24 hours and no less than three showers in between that and a meal.

Focus: I enjoy Valentine's day. I love the look on a girls face when I give her something special and make her feel loved. My girlfriend this years will be getting a rose dipped and preserved in gold. I will also be cooking a meal for her. She will also get typical gifts such as chocaletes and Frebis dong. I may wear a pair of boxers with hearts on them to make an extra special day.

 

I once thought I was bein' all sexy-like by slipping a red paper heart into my underwear for her to "discover." I don't honestly remember her reaction - her landlady subsequently walked in on us screwing on the ottoman, which sort of overshadowed anything else that occurred that afternoon.

Then there was the Valentine's day, with the same girl, that I wound up engaged by the end of the weekend.

We went to a bed and breakfast, and before heading out to a restaurant for dinner I gave her a ring with her birthstone as a Valentine's present. I slipped it on her finger, and she looked at me, all doe-eyed, and asked quietly "Does this mean anything?".

What I thought to myself was "Sure. It means Happy Valentines Day, and I love you." And I did. Love her, that is. And I knew what she wanted to hear, even if I wasn't remotely prepared, in any way, to say it. So I mumbled something about it meaning that we would get married someday, and SHAZZAMM!! we were off to the races. Apparently we were "pre-engaged".

To this day, saying out loud that I was "pre-engaged" is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever said. Our parents threw us a "pre-engagement party". I feel like a huge asshole even typing that. It seems that this is an old custom:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pre-engagement_ring

But that doesn't make it any less ridiculous, and I never did actually marry her.

 

Worst Valentines (and birthday) ever.

 

I was planning on flowers and poetry this year.
Pretty exceptional too, since I really don't do valentine's day usually. I guess she does have a hold over me.

 

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume he's not going to be two-fisting her asshole right up to the elbows. As long as he washes his hands and puts some pants on things will be just fine.

If I'm wrong I'll pay for the wheelchair. Good luck in there.

FOCUS: I'll be working, as always. Same ol' tired shit every year, but I don't have to piss away time and money on gifts and flowers. The fiancee feels the same as I do about the 14th. The gifts and all that jazz mean just as much on the 15th, 16th, or even the 3rd of May.

 

Now, I definitely cannot stand the girls that expect epic shit for Valentine's Day because every day should be special and it shouldn't have a designated day.

This girl I'm dating now definitely is the most chill, balanced girl I've dated. She's cooked for me more times than I've taken her out and is all around awesome. I've never been with a girl around Valentine's Day and I think because of how cool she's been I'm going to get reservations at a Brazilian Steak House, buy a expensive bottle of her favorite grape and get her a ton of flowers. I think the girls that should get the epic treatment are the ones that don't ask for it, hint at it or even expect it. So I'm pretty excited for this one.

 

When posts collide . . .

 

FOCUS: I'll be doing the same thing I do every year: staying home and watching tv. This year, the 14th is a Monday, so I'll get to watch The Good Wife, season 2. Nice.

I feel nothing for Valentine's Day. I've never been involved with anyone on that day, never received a card. If I was with someone and they were into Valentines Day, they wouldn't get a conventional present from me - I'd offer to vacuum a floor or help fold their washing or something of that ilk.

Valentines Day is the most overhyped, bullshit "holiday". Real holidays mean people get time off work. I don't see that happening for Valentines ever, so therefore it isn't a holiday, and is just a way for shitty candy companies, flower vendors and jewellers to make money. What crap.