I've been told that I am a really confident guy by many people - I was hitting on a chick that this older (later 30's?) black guy was hitting on as well, he was doing pretty well for himself and in the end I worked my magic and won. His only words upon leaving were, "Man, if I had the confidence you do, I would be running this joint"; it's been one the greatest compliments someone has given me in the recent years. I rarely have issues regarding social situations and I've done well for myself on the women front; words that are generally heard about my presence are manly, awesome and hip as fuck. Now, I've got a friend, who doesn't quite meet those qualifications; mainly because he's not confident in himself. He's one of the smartest people I have ever met (in a long line of smart people I've met); academically, he's beyond anything I'll ever reach; he has a decent job, a good education and holds his own in a comfortable social situation (by comfortable, I mean with established friends). He's also been on an amazingly long dry spell and is getting somewhat depressed at his inability to meet and enter romantic situations with the ladies*. In the end, it's the simple fact that he's not confident enough to go out and try; so, as the good friend I try to be, I've been brainstorming ways of helping him build his confidence. He's not incredible looking nor is he ripped like a mother fucker; I've told him many times that it's not how we look but how we project ourselves. Hell, I'll even admit, I'm kind of goofy looking but that hasn't stopped me. I realize the only way someone gains confidence is to put themselves into situations that they're unsure of how to handle - failure, uncomfortable, awkward and plain terrifying moments are what builds a persons character and ultimately their confidence. One idea was to have him find an interesting fact (on wikipedia or something) and when we're at the bar, he has to present this fact to no less than three women while maintaining some sort of sobriety**. He'll either hit or miss, both options are good as it's a learning exercise right now and after he has talked to these women then he can rejoin us in shriveling our livers. I've tried wing manning for him but he doesn't have the confidence to take off from there, I can't babysit him through these things if he's unable to help himself. FOCUS: Tips and tricks for gaining confidence. I'm not interested in directing him towards that stupid fucking PUA or whatever the fuck it's called. I'm talking ways of building his confidence permanently. Do you have a friend who was like this and you brought him up to speed? How did you do it? *He's been on one date, last week, but doesn't think he's good enough for the chick he went out with and isn't going to call her back - it's idiotic because it sounds like she's into him **It's quite possible my plan will backfire and he'll end up dead from alcohol poisoning.
But certainly not "modest" or "demure." Ordinarily I would be obligated to point out that I expect such comments from Fratty Q. McDouchenozzle and not erudite TiB members, but given that the whole post is about acting confident, I will let it slide just this one time. I like when the medium and the message align like that. Otherwise, you know what, I like this thread. There are a lot of mediocre people out there who would be happy to hook up with other mediocre people and are not trying to land a supermodel, yet land just shy of sealing the deal due to a confidence problem. Let's hear about how you worked through your confidence problems and helped your friends to, also.
I've always kinda regretted letting a 7 go when I was a 6, because I had it in my head that I was an 8, and she was just barely chubby for my taste. Looking back, that girl was awesome, hot, and I should have done the things she was willing to let me do. Don't let a relationship-potential girl pass you by just because you think you're too hot. I think there are songs about that.
Im 6'3" 280lbs and Im built like a football player so it took me a long time to gain confidence, and its still hard to manage it sometimes too. I start to become unconfident when the girl Im talking to is much hotter then me, and I want to fuck her. As weird as it seems, to combat that I just think of that girl as if she was a little sister (I dont have any), and I try to push that thought of her being hot out of my head, then girls are easy to talk to. When Im looking for the sure thing though and I start talking with like a 5 or 6, confidence is really easy to find because theres no pressure. I just act like Im a millionaire and have a 15 inch dick, and the pussy just comes to me. If a girl turns you down, move on to the next one. As corny as it sounds, the best advice I ever heard about picking up girls is "you miss every shot you dont take." To make your odd better, try to pick up more girls. 1 for 100 is wayy better then 0 for 0.
What was that quote from Savage Henry (I think)... "see yourself perform when it counts." I'm really not the right person to ask, since I have the same problems, but I think I have that thread printed out somewhere around here. I'm hoping I didn't leave it back in the States.
I think socializing/confidence is a skill that needs to be practiced much like anything else. I've found that when I hold jobs or lifestyles that involve a lot of socializing, talking to girls becomes much easier. The last job I held was as a big-shot waiter and so I found myself talking and being smooth the typical 40 hours a week plus all the time I spent with friends. I found it much easier to talk to girls during this period because bullshitting with people and appearing in control were part of my job description. I found this to also be the case with other jobs that involve approaching strangers (e.g. working in the ER), as well as traveling since I make an effort to meet people when I travel. Now I'm back in school and I'm finding myself to be much more apprehensive about approaching women. This is mostly because my days are filled with passive action—sitting in large lecture halls or reading textbooks. (Yes I realize a key component of college is socializing, but I still end up doing it less than when I'm not in school.) So, my advice would be for him to get a job, hobby, or whatever that involves approaching a lot of strangers—e.g. waiter, sales, whatever. It's much easier to be confident with women when you have already started conversations with strangers a hundred times that week.
Fact: mentioning random facts from Wikipedia to people is pretty much what I do. It does not result in any action. Mind you, I'm not single. As for confidence, you have to do shit that scares you. That's the only way around it. I know it sounds like one of those platitudes from the side of a lululemon bag, but there it is. The problem is how someone can do something that scares them. The only real way around this is to set up a behaviourist system of rewards and punishments whereby they are motivated to do that thing for more than just their own sake. If you set up a situation where your buddy feels he is letting down his friends by not approaching women (i.e., nobody is allowed to talk to women if your buddy doesn't; therefore when nobody gets laid that night it's his fault) you provide a powerful incentive for him to quit his god damned whining and talk to people. Do that enough times and he'll realize he doesn't need to have anyone bearing down on him to be social. That said, I am a rather confident person. Or at least, more confident than those in my peer group. That said I'm not an extremely social person; I'm rarely in the situation of being in bars and approaching women or strange people, so I'll let you know how that firecracker goes when I light it. I have done more than a few things in my life which people have told me they wish they had the confidence to do; I can't think of very many people who would take off for Europe by themselves on less than a week's notice, or go hiking through mountains and stay in isolated huts on said mountain with almost zero idea of what they were actually doing. But it's things like these that keep you sharp, and puts things in contrast: "Man, I was able to [x], how in the fuck can I not do this?" It helps keep me calm for exams and not apocalyptic when shit starts to hit the fan. And on that note: I mentioned my peers (and by extension, classmates) were not particularly confident people. It seems that academic feats are ones that almost result in a net loss of overall confidence. People here are legitimately afraid to have to so much as live in a different town or city for a few months at a time. Which kind of goes back to doing things that scare you: travelling or living in different places and being in situations where you have to be self-reliant is pretty much mandatory for becoming a well-rounded person or functional human being. Show me someone who's afraid of even a little bit of change and I'll show you someone who is in dire need of it.
I am absolutely hopeless in one regard. I can speak publicly to anywhere from a small group to thousands. I've been on radio and tv. I've delivered seminars and taken questions from hostile audiences. I've asked hostile questions of speakers in unsympathetic groups. I've taught and been crash test dummy in front of martial arts seminars to groups of over 100. I've argued matters in front of disinclined judges. But do you think I can have a single shred of confidence to go up and talk to a girl I don't know? Nope. I completely suck at it. I have no idea. Pretty much anything else I'm comfortable with. If I get to know her somehow, I'm fine. It's a massive block for me.
I have a friend that is very good looking (no homo), athletic (top of the heap in our high school for basketball, undefeated all 4 years in tennis at the #2 spot, 2-0 in MMA), smart (straight A's his whole student career, degree in computer science) and talented (best musician in our high school, fantastic artist) but is just hopeless with women. He's so robotic in his body language and is completely unable to convey sarcasm without looking like an idiot. He's actually really funny when you get to know him and know that he's just joking around and not being a dick. He attracts a lot of girls, then destroys it as soon as he opens his mouth. The first time he was successfully able to hook up with a chick I told him to stay far away from the girl, did the talking for him (I was fucking her friend who was also there so it was obvious I wasn't trying to hook up with her) and ended up literally having to pick the girl up and throw her at him for them to start physically touching, think about that. He managed to blow it two weeks later when he visited her and they actually had to talk, didn't go over so well. We always would joke that he should just walk into parties with his shirt off and not say a thing, certainly would have been better than what he actually did. Luckily he has a GF now that he'll probably marry, but he missed out on so much tail in college. I've never been bad with women before, but I did find myself having an easier time when I started employing Tucker's be yourself and be honest strategy rather than hyping myself up. Unfortunately I've been out of the game for over 4 years because of the current GF. I think the only game I have now would be: "I'm an actuary." And that pretty much only works with girls from Connecticut and girls that work for insurance or consulting firms.
How do you gain confidence? Engage in an activity that interests you. Set a clear, definite goal that's challenging yet realistic. As you reach that goal and continue to challenge yourself by setting new ones, the confidence built will carry over to all aspects of your life. I don't think there are any easy or fast tricks to it. For it to be authentic, it's a process that involves more than "start talking to every girl you know and pretend your dick is 12 inches....around". I've noticed that many "confident" guys are really just posturing to cover up a lot of insecurity. That's a huge turn-off and pretty obvious once you get to know someone. I guess if you just want to get your dick wet it doesn't really matter. In that case, max out your credit cards and live the $30k millionaire dream. The floozies will flock to you with open legs.
Bullshit. When I was banned from the library for masturbating in the stacks it destroyed my confidence. It was years before I could masturbate in public again.
I'm not sure why, but I'm a lot more comfortable approaching a guy I'm interested in sexually/romantically than with girls I just want to be friends with. I guess I'm not the most naturally social person, and I'm sure some of this has to do with confidence. I moved to a new city a few months ago and I'm pretty much friendless, so what I've been doing to avoid hermitdom is making a rule for myself to never say no to any social invitation even if I barely know the person who's asking, and go to a party once a week, even if I don't know a single person (it's New York, I can always find something). Unless you're so awkward that you can stand being at a party and spending the whole time standing by yourself in a corner, it helps to just throw yourself into something like that. I've never gone to something and not met a bunch of new people that I spent the night hanging out with. It's pretty much been just a whole bunch of "friendship one night stands" so far, but it still helps to know that it can happen. So, my two cliche morals of the story: Put yourself in a "Sink or swim" situation, and "practice makes perfect."
When I was 17 I was rejected by 20 different, beautiful women in one night. Call it extreme immersion therapy, but after that night my fear of rejection was gone. Soon after that I realized that I needed to start building up my social skills so I would approach people and start random conversations. This worked especially well with women because I would approach them with no intent of hooking up and I think they sensed that which allowed them to keep their guards down. This made holding a conversation a lot easier. Ironically, this helped me more than anything because once a woman's guard was down it became exponentially easier to pick her up. I will say that PUA helped me a bit in high school when I was too shy to even approach a woman. Eventually though, as I built up my confidence, I recognized most of their "rules" as bullshit and haven't looked back since.
This topic is interesting to me because it's something I deal with quite a bit. I've been with more than my fair share of girls (go check the sexual history thread if you really want to know). 1 on 1 with a girl I can honestly say I've walked out without so much as a kiss with maybe 3 or 4 girls. I've hooked up with dozens of girls (puts on internet macho persona) and I've pulled a few girls from nights downtown but the vast majority are girls that I know from class, friends of friends, etc and I don't know what changes when the girl is a complete stranger. I'm very social, yet approaching a random girl still leaves me wondering what to say to her for five minutes before approaching. The guys I hang out with are all good looking and absolutely fearless when they're out on the prowl and it's something I've yet to really figure out. Anybody here have any suggestions? I've got reasonably good looks, generally funny and fit yet it just doesn't carry over. As far as building confidence goes for people that have none: Find something you do well and be passionate about it. For me, it's rugby and industrial design. Get in the gym (you don't need to be absolutely jacked, but being fit helps a lot. Gotta look good to feel good, gotta feel good to play good and if you take care of yourself, the girls will take care of you), carry some useless but fun knowledge and have a sense of humor.
Based on your post it sounds like you might actually be trying to help your friend too much. Maybe a blind date would be a good idea. Put him in a spot where he's either going to have to suck it up and make real conversation, or sit through awkward silence. Barring that, I would think about poking some fun at him in front of women. Nothing over the top, but enough so that he's forced to make comebacks. Isn't it practically a running joke that once you crack this barrier the walls come tumbling down? It's like women can smell it on you, when you start to have success the rest notice.
My trick was coming too damn close to dying a couple times. It's not the thought that all this normal life stuff is inconsequential that helped me gain confidence. It's that when the shit hits the fan, the lightning is striking the water around me, and others were beginning to panic I reasonably held onto my composure. If I can do it then, the rest of the time is easy.
I missed this. If that's his attitude go tell him to jerk off while he listens to Fall Out Boy. If someone's at the point where they need to make Emo excuses for their cowardice they're probably beyond redemption. If/when he starts seriously dating a girl I hope you're prepared the months of baggage he dumps on you.
I can't figure out what my deal is. Sometimes I'm the most confident person on the planet reaching arrogance. Put me in any intellectual discussion about something I know and I will have no problem asserting dominance and very clearly telling people when they are wrong and when they are saying something stupid. And then something completely harmless will make me completely fall apart and I become a loser. Let me illustrate with an example. As I've recently mentioned in some drunk threads, I recently moved to South Carolina for grad school, where I knew no one. So on one of the first few days of the semester, after I had made a few acquaintances, I was invited to go to a bar with a few people. One of the girls there (we'll call her K) I had gotten along with immediately so she sort of became my temporary rock. At the bar I was, put simply, awesome. Great conversation, making people laugh left and right, getting along with random people and having a jolly old time. One of the other people that was there was a girl who was there with her husband. I guess they took a liking to me and the first girl as well as they invited us to their house the next night for dinner. Sounded like a good time to me so I was all set to go. The next night I went to their house and I was a bit early as she and her husband were still out getting groceries. So I took the time to call K and ask her what time she was getting there. She told me she wouldn't be able to make it. And I fell apart. I needed her there because I do not know how to act around married couples, I do not know any my age. I was going to take K's cues for things like dinner etiquette, when to leave, etc. I realized without her there, I simply couldn't go through with it. Little social etiquette things like that make me completely fall apart. The worst part is, everything carries over. If I'm coming off something that went well, it will spillover into whatever happens next. If I fall apart, I will become shy and a pushover for hours afterward...for no reason. Diagnose me, TIB. Do I have some sort of manic depressive tendencies or something? Or is this what everyone is like? Do I have a confidence issue?
I wouldn't say you have confidence issues so much as security issues. As you said, this girl K was your "rock" and you were fine until she wasn't coming. Have a look at other situations where this has happened to you and see if there's a similar pattern.