I've never lived with anyone that I wasn't either related to, or dating (and the two groups are mutually exclusive). On the subject of music, my girlfriend and I have vastly separate music tastes. She likes Bon Jovi. I refuse to fuck to Bon Jovi. I tried to be somewhat compromising and search for something we could agree on. So, I put on Queens of the Stone Age's "Songs for the Deaf". It didn't fly. We fuck without music.
I've never walked in on any of my roommate, but I did have to teach one girl how to masturbate. SHE DID NOT WATCH ME MASTURBATE, but we did spend a lovely afternoon in the living room with my Pure Romance box of toys (I made extra money in college by selling sex toys. It's like a Tupperware party with vibrators) while I explained how each toy works. This demonstration led to me hearing her first solo-orgasm.
My freshmen year of college I walked in on my roommate jacking off late one night after coming back from a party. He was laying on his bed, blankets and sheets off, going to town on himself. He looked up at me with the biggest "oh shit" look on his face. I said, "sorry dude, I'll come back in a few". I walked out of the room, went and drank a few more beers, then I went back to my room after about a half hour or so only to find him sound asleep. We lived together for the rest of the year but neither of us ever brought up that particular incident. As far as music during sex goes, during my senior year of high school I was obsessed with making playlists to fuck to. I can't remember exactly what I put on them but I know that Van Halen was definitely included.
Another thing. I've been living with a couple of guys for the last few years, one of them being my best friend. One day he leaves his laptop open while he's off somewhere, and just for fun I check his history to see the kind of porn he's into. Color me shocked when I find pages upon pages of girls in fucking diapers. I at first thought "no fucking way," so I went further back. More diaper girls. This guy's been my friend for the past three years, and while he's as weird as the rest of us I never would have thought that he was into diapers. And it's not even hardcore diaper action, just...girls posing in diapers. I've never told anyone, much less asked him about it. He knows I'm on this place too, so I hope he isn't lurking around reading shit.
Well I'm sure if he is lurking around here he will certainly be thrown off thinking that you are certainly not his roommate, you must be some other board member whose roommate has a secret diaper thing. I also wouldn't worry about the fact that when he inevitably Googles "girls posing in diapers" your post will be one of the results returned. FOCUS: I have had four roommates in my life. The first three were college strangers: The Sperg, the Doc, and the Plant. The fourth was a good friend and our time cohabitating was entirely amicable. The Sperg had something wrong with him. Probably an autism spectrum disorder. This was not his fault but it made living in a 10x20 unpartitioned space with him difficult. There were lots of unwritten rules. I knew when I broke a rule because he would go into a sort of apoplectic seizure until I fixed whatever it was I had done (things like opening a window or turning on the radio). The Doc was one of those people who is a nicer person than you will ever be. He was studying all the time and never left the room, but again I can't blame him. He's a successful and compassionate doctor now. The Plant was an ordinary guy with the exception that he never spoke. Not more than a dozen words a week. His Mom eventually started talking to me when she called. I don't have any good stories about any of them getting laid because I'm pretty sure they didn't. I worked a steady job in college and was out of the room reliably from 8:00 to 6:30. So I never caught anybody unawares either. The Doc got a steady girlfriend right before we moved out. I told him that this would now increase his cachet with the other ladies but he didn't believe me. A week later this poor guy that probably never saw a boob outside a medical book has some chick down the hall jumping on his lap and sticking her tongue down his throat. Freaked him right out. And so it goes.
A couple of my friends lived together in college and they were like the fucking odd couple. The one being relatively clean and put together, the other like fucking Pig Pen. Pig Pen's room looked like a crack head lived there. A desk with a broken chair, random shit all over the floor, unwashed dishes caked with dried who-knows-what. The best was his bed--a bare mattress with a dingy blanket and pillow. One day we asked him why he never put sheets on the bed, and his answer will stay with me forever. "You see," he said, "If you put sheets on the bed, the pussy juice doesn't sink in. You gotta let that shit sink in 'cause it just smells so good." We had no answer, no comeback. I never went into his room again.
FOCUS: Would take a good chunk of time to type out all the misadventures and stories I have about roommates. I may or may not come back to this later. ALT. FOCUS: The final album recorded by Morphine. The Night was released in 2000 and has been in my bedroom stereo since early 2001. Note: This is all best played with proper bass.
I had one roommate who dated a screamer for a while. This wasn't your run of the mill loud girl. She hollered like someone was stabbing her with a butterknife. The one benefit to this was that we knew when they were in the dorm room and could stay out and give them some privacy without having to bust in and see anything. Another roommate would try to be sneaky and fuck his girlfriend while I was asleep across the room. The problem: her junk smelled like someone fed a cat a can of tuna and then killed the cat and left it in a hot trunk for a week or so. She stunk so bad that it would wake me up from a dead sleep when she took her pants off. That shit was not cool and led to more than one confrontation. The next year, I moved into an apartment with the same guy, B, and 2 others. B's standards were quite a bit lower than the rest of ours, but one night he brought home something that may or may not have been a Sasquatch. My other roommates and I saw her before he could sneak her into his bedroom and traded those all-knowing "This will not end well" looks. What we didn't know was how badly it would actually turn out. Apparently, she got a little bit toothy while going down on him and he told her to stop. She flipped the fuck out and whooped his ass. He wasn't going to hit a girl, so she wailed on him for a solid minute and a half while he was yelling for help. We finally got his lock picked and pulled her off of our naked, bleeding roommate. He has never, ever lived that one down.
During my university years, my residence was the entire second story of an older home. My "roommates" were the the piece of shit, white-trash couple downstairs. Their bedroom on the first floor was more or less directly under mine, so I could hear things clearly (and vice-versa). One particular morning, I was awoken by the low, rhythmic moaning of the woman's voice, followed almost immediately the "uh-uhhhh" of him blowing his load. The next sound is her asking loudly: "That's IT!?!". Cue fight that went roughly like this: Meanwhile, I'm upstairs trying to muffle my laughter with my pillow.
Which reminds me -- Was anyone able to save the barrage of Ballsack comics from the TMMB? I want to archive them so I can have some laughs on a gloomy day.