Turistas

There are a lot of countries in the world - more than 200 at last count. There are big ones, small ones, red ones, blue ones. Even when you live in a big country like the United States or Africa, there is a noticeable difference between going somewhere else within your own country and going to a different country entirely. Sometimes, being in a place that's really different from home can expose parts of your personality that are normally hidden, leading to some wild experiences.

FOCUS: What's your craziest/wildest story from being abroad? What aspects of the local culture contributed to that particular flavor of debauchery?

 

In thailand, a chick stuffed a magic marker up her vagina, squatted over a piece of paper and drew my portrait.

In the Phillipines, near my old companies data center... there's a bar called 'The Hobbit Hole' - all midget staff. Security, bar staff, hookers, and a guy in a velcro suit and crash helmet who you're encouraged to toss at a velcro wall.

We arrived in New York to crash with a friend. Having looked at the maps online, we got off at Jamaica station, intending to get a taxi to our friends place - seemed like the cheapest/easiest way. We were the only white people in sight, there were no marked taxi's - we looked like the worst kind of tourists with a couple of backpacks each and, my shiny bald head and my wife's purple hair. A guy came out of the station, berrated us for being stupid crackers and put us on a a subway for downtown to get a taxi from there and consider ourselves lucky that we weren't the inspiration for the next SVU episode. I felt like a complete fucking hick in New York. Aboriginals where I live are almost universally impoverished, substance abusers and generally troubled. African people are almost all poor first generation west african migrants. Catching the subway from my friends house into Manhattan was mind blowing - because there were people who were neither caucasian nor asian, yet appeared to be well educated and well dressed. It took me about 10 minutes to figure out why the scene was blowing my mind.

 

Africa is my favorite country.

That said, while I don't have a ton of foreign travel experience, I definitely recommend having a young, attractive local guide with lots of hot friends who will hook up with you. Also, everyone in Quito lives with their parents so you're just going to get a handy and a lot of frustration.

 

I got stories that'll raise the hair on your head. We used to go down there to Tahiti, the Phillipines, I used to bang broads like they were goin' out of style back then. Back in the ol' days you could bang 'em for about ten at a time for a dime...

 

Is that your avatar, Scootah? It is, isn't it?

Focus: I think I've already posted about my experience with hookers in Costa Rica. Nothing new to add; I still think they are great.

I did hook up with a "Mexican girl"(does that count?) from Dallas a while back and we had much fun. Woke up on a pallet in the living room surrounded by whip cream cannisters, various sliced fruit, empty yogurt containers and covered in fucking truffle oil. We got cleaned up and went right back at it for most of that day and next night. That girl was built for speed and simply would not be broken. That experience convinced me it's true that the little bit of extra body hair found on "brown" women is proof that they have more testosterone and as a result a higher sex drive than caucasian women.

 

Is that your avatar, Nitwit? It is, isn't it?

 

I've been to a few foreign country in my day, but nothing, and I mean nothing even comes close to the culture shock I felt when I went to Ohio for Ragnarok,the biggest (I think) LARPing event in the world. Don't let the nerdy stigma fool you, the rampant drug use at this event could probably compete with Burning Man.

The days were filled with surprisingly violent foam sword field battles and the nights were filled with a level of debauchery I've really never seen before, with all the naked women, public sex and drugs I thought I was at the original Woodstock. The funniest part is that they are still nerdy people and to see them engage in this behavior was just strange.

 

Three of the most epic nights of my life were three consecutive Saturdays during the semester I spent in Europe.

Saturday #1, Prague (where I was living for the semester)- I go to one of many discotheques in this town with some other Americans. Spend the first hour drinking beer and thinking about how much I hate clubs. A guy who's in the same program as I am comes over and mentions how he met a London fashion designer the night before who promised to get him into the VIP room here. Would I like to come too? We go over to the VIP entrance where a guy who is clearly coked out of his mind gives up two bracelets. We spend the rest of the night behind the velvet ropes drinking bottle after bottle of champagne and vodka (not grey goose). The night ends at 6 am with a group of Austrians I just met trying to find some mythical strip club.

Saturday 2, Madrid- I'm visiting one of my friends from college. That night we go to a Irish bar where I start dancing with a Filipino girl. After about a dozen words between the two of us, she starts grabbing my crotch. We go back to my hostel (thankfully I had a private room), and she gives me a superb hummer before departing without another word.

Saturday 3, Prague- My Russian med school friends calls me up and asks if I want to try LSD. Naturally, I say yes. The events of that night would take pages to explain. As cliched as it might be to say, taking acid was a mind-blowing experience. I highly recommend it.

So not only did I have three great experiences over the course of three weeks, but I did it with the help of people from England, Austria, Madrid, the Philippines and Russia. Isn't multiculturalism great? I should give a lecture on the subject at my old middle school.

 

The infamous Red Light District in Amsterdam is a real hoot once the sun goes down. Aside from watching your wallet from pickpockets it's one of the safest places to be in the pint-sized city at night, and though it's more touristy and controlled than the in-your-face sex trade of Southeast Asia, it's an absolute blast just to walk around stoned and chasing green faries out of your fucking galaxy and mingle with various UK Bachelor parties or first-timers walking around tripping over their lower lips.

Guys have to be brave to score a hooker in the RLD (as in not afraid of audiences whatsoever) . You don't hand-pick one from the window and go inside to a desk, but simply tell her you want to get it on, and she opens the entire pane of glass like a door for you and you step behind the curtain she's in front of to knock boots. Then, you walk out that same door adjusting your sticky-sack and smiling the knowing smile of a man who just oaid for sex with a girl that has already had sex with six guys from five different countries that same day. 75% of the night talent in the RLD were hot by any standards (especially compared to North American prostitutes). I, of course, was married and accompanied by my 5-month-pregnant at the time so I could only read the menu but I had full substance abuse priviledge and used that to the hilt.

Of course, the ne plus ultra of the RLD was also coincidentally mentioned by Eddie Clayton on the old message board. They also have "novelty hookers" there in one was insanely hideous. She looked like a cross between the wrestler 80's Kamala and Babs, the main character from Pink Flamingos. She was obviously chemically imbalanced and I saw her once jump out of her door and shake a fucking SPEAR at a heckler. No fucking joke. It hurts when you roll around with laughter on 400-year-old sidewalk
cobbles.

For a pot smoker, this place is like you died in Heaven and went to an even BETTER heaven. Heaven SUCKS compared to this place. You walk into a "coffee shop" order weed that's so strong you can't comprehend and then spend 2 hours out on the shop's patio swilling Becks and smiling at your shoes like a drooling retard. Has your can pull apart tlike soft, warm taffy. MUSHROOM SOPS (aka "Smart Shops"). You should HEAR the shit coming out of people's mouths when they stumble out of those places in broad daylight. This city will not let you down to say the least, even with the lousy weather and blade-sharp wind chill cutting into town from the harbour. An incredible, beautiful, extremely lively place. You can truly feel the electricity in the air there.

However, I have never been to Pataya (and probably never will). I'd like to hear some stories, people. From what I have read and seen, it is the most insane place on earth.

 

Moment of reflection.

Anyways, I don't think I communicated the full insanity of Cairo in the "Stranger in a Strange Land" thread. Here is an anecdote which is a little more relevant:

My friends end up mistakenly going to a gay bar. This isn't a huge fucking shocker in Egypt - a decent segment of the male population is gay or bi, considering the strict gender-segregation and taboos against sex, etc.

Of course, they don't know it's a gay bar until they have been in for a few minutes. Wow, sausagefest. Then, out of the corner of his eye, my friend spotted two guys grinding on each other, facing each other. One is holding a gun to the other's head. The other guy has a gun in his mouth. They are maintaining smoldering eye contact with one another, locked in a slow, strange dance of death.

Another friend comes out of a blackout to find himself on the middle of the dance floor, holding a pistol in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He is surrounded by cheering Egyptians. He still has no clue what happened.

Two months left.

 

Everytime you make a thread, DrFrylock, its like a middle school social studies teacher is asking me a question. Please preface this kinda shit with some witty stories. For the sake of my sanity.

FOCUS: Anyone remember Mitch Hedberg joking about running into a Subway in Ireland because it was "The American Embassy"? Me and my brother played what we called the Embassy Game in Paris. This was about 7 years ago. We'd go up behind a french cop, flip their cap, flash a portable camera right in their faces, and fucking ghost. Apparently, french cops don't like running further than a block after some asshole kids. We only did it twice before we finally lost our nerve and were too scared out of our minds to even think of trying again. Anyways, for those two, after we lost our tail, we'd both race to the nearest McDonalds. First one in, won. I lost twice.

Oh, and a quarter pound cheeseburger IS called a royale with cheese. We checked.

 

I have a few.. Stealing the keys to a club and running from the owners in Rome. Being roofied by a lady boy in Barcelona*. Seeing a guy get stabbed in Amsterdam and sleeping on a park bench in Cologne, then waking up to a Turk attempting to pick pocket me are all good stories, but I'll go with my most recent.


I have to say waking up in the outskirts of Krakow in communist style block-apartments was definitely one of the more ridiculous experiences I have experienced. I ended up hooking up with a girl, Jen, who worked at the Hostel I was staying at. Jen and I hooked up a few times while she was supposed to be working, but weren't able to have sex while she was at work due to her being scared of being caught. Fast forward to the night before I'm supposed to leave**. The plan was for me to meet her out, then we would go to her friend, Erin's apartment (Jen lived with her parents, so that wasn't an option) and take care of business.

We got to the apartment after a 45 min bus ride from the city center, and holy shit. Talk about going back in time. I felt like I stepped right into 1980. I was scared shitless. Picture yourself in the projects, not able to speak the language, and everyone you pass staring at you like they are going to rape you. Not fucking cool. I've felt safer in Jamaica, Queens. Anyway, we finally get to the "apartment" which was more like a closet. I ended up fucking Jen in her friend's parents bedroom (which also doubled as a living room). Turns out Jen recently let Erin lose her virginity in her bedroom and was owed a favor. Fucking young girls is weird (Jen was 19 unsure about Erin's age), but I wasn't about to pass on some Polish ass.

It was really fucking interesting when I wanted to leave in the morning and Jen refused to give me my shirt back until I fucked her again... and again.. and again. Most memorable quote from the entire vacation "All the American guys I have sex with always finish so fast!" Curious if she holds them all hostage. Anyway, Finally when she passed out I was able to coax my shirt back off her body and escape. It took me about 20 min to find a cab driver who would bring me back to the city center, and the entire time I was sure I was going to be robbed. Finally I was able to find a cab... 50 Zloty and an hour later, I finally made it back to my hostel.


* Unlike Captain Apathy, I didn't receive any BJ from any tranny.
** I actually ended up staying 5 more nights in Krakow because the city is so fucking bad ass. If you want to party, go here immediately. If I didn't have plans to meet a girl in Croatia, I probably would either still be in Krakow, or be dead.

 

Lots of good stories from my post-college eurotrip. My personal favorite experience was sexing with a French girl at the base of the statue of Jesus on the top of the hill/mountain overlooking the bay of La Concha in San Sebastian. It was a pain in the ass to hop the fences and get up there at night but it beat hostel bathroom sex by a long shot. Better was bringing a blanket the next night. Best was the fact that the only language we shared was high-school level Spanish (Thanks, Senora Kaufman, you were a good teacher, but I still think you're a giant bitch). Major credit to Brengsek for recommending San Sebastian by the way. I don't think I've ever had more fun than I did the week I spent there.

Less successful was running around Barcelona wasted at 3 in the morning doing lines of shitty coke with my buddy and a 38 year old New Zealander off the tops of mailboxes. Seriously, street corner mailboxes. I'm smart. All the while walking up to large groups of thug-looking Spanish men, asking for directions in my mediocre Spanish. Or alternately letting my friend who speaks about 25 words of Spanglish ask for directions and listen for the laughter. Considering all the warnings we got about getting jumped in Barcelona I'm amazed how friendly everyone we ran into seemed. Doesn't change the fact that the next morning I still thought it was probably the dumbest I'd ever acted for a consistent span of 4-5 hours. The New Zealander, incidentally, is one of the funniest people I've ever met.

 

I second that, but did they taste really soggy to you?. At times I thought they mopped the grill with it, but it was nice to have a beer in a McDonald's. Another fun thing about Paris: if you don't want to wade through the sea of Asians in front of the Mona Lisa, it turns out short people are very elbowable when your half-cocked. However, you can't get a real good look at it, maybe 15 feet at the closest, and it's behind glass that you couldn't crack with a tank bullet.

 

I've been to Thailand and seen the endless parade of whores. I've been to Okinawa and seen a woman make exact change after stuffing a role of quarters in her vag. Was offered sucky-sucky in the red light district of Hiroshima, which I respectfully declined, but once accepted one on the massage table in Turkey. But probably the most shocking, or surprising moment was the strip club in Sicily.

I've been to my fair share of strip clubs in the states, from the ones in Miami that are nothing short of brothels, to a few in Arizona where I basically had to sit on my hands. The club in Sicily seemed rather normal. A bit of touching was allowed. If a girl sat with you, you had to buy her drinks. We were sitting at the end of the long main stage, which was similar to a walkway you might see in a fashion show. A girl came out and began a very graceful dance to some Celine Dion song, dumping buckets of water on herself, rolling on the floor, the works. It was a stunning performance. Toward the end she walked directly to the end of the stage where we were sitting, and proceeded to slowly pull a string of anal beads, one by one, out of her ass. Was not expecting that.

 

I'd rather receive a BJ than get fucked in the ass. Just sayin'.

 

In the Dominican Republic this May me and a friend of mine went to the resort's "club". Empty on weekdays, full of locals on weekends as they let them into the resort for a fee on weekends in order to turn a profit during the off-season. The nights with locals were fucked. We were the only ones (other than the other honkey's etc) that weren't wearing all white. One of the nights with locals I was fairly pissed off about the whole situation, but my friend I was there with was loving it. Watching your buddy who can only speak english trying to hit on locals who can't speak much english is pretty funny. Anyway, I let him do his thing: I had no interest in the local strange, STI free and I'd like to keep it that way. After a bit of walking around aimlessly and talking to a french girl for a little bit before getting pissed of with her accent (and not great face and body) and walking away, my buddy comes running up to me. "Man, I think this girl wants to bang, but I'm not sure." He turns around to show her to me "Aw fuck, she's leaving, let's follow her!" She was waiting outside, as he thought she said she would. After leaving the two of them be for a minute and awkwardly trying to tell her spanish only friend I didn't understand a fucking word she was saying my buddy runs back to me. "Dude, she's a hooker!" there was about 5-10 minutes of should I, shouldn't I. Sadly, he opted for no. Would have been a damn interesting morning if he had tho.