To my thirteen-year-old Self:

Dear 13 year old ex Animo,

Your confidence issues will not go away until the bullies stop picking on you. You have about 4 more years until this happens, and then you will go through an awkward stage of braces and a flat top for 2 years. You will get your first girlfriend in 5 years, so you're still going to feel like a lonely puss until then. I think you know this already, but your father is sick. He has somewhat down played it - it's going to be full blown Cancer in a couple of years. Don't be mad, don't be afraid, your father will still be with you until you're 22. That's 9 more years - over the next 9 years, your father will become your best friend and role model. Don't argue with him, he is surprisingly right, even though he's a bit old timey on his opinions. He loves you, even though it will take him the last year of his life to really express it. Cherish it.

As far as College goes, you'll be winging your education, but in a good way. You're smart, you're money, you'll be fine. You'll end up at a really expensive private school, meet very inspirational people and finally travel out of San Jose. Life will be up in the air after you're done with college. Unfortunately, the high of graduating will be met with your dad passing away 2 months after graduation. You will receive your diploma 2 weeks after he is buried. You'll be conflicted by having such a good education with the man who was able to afford sending you to school, without debt and student loans. I won't go on, but you'll figure it out.

From your 23 year old self, who is still figuring shit out,
- ex Animo

 

Dear 13-year-old self:

I know you thought that one day you'd sleep with a guy, and people would stop thinking you were gay. Nope. But you didn't really care, and I don't either, so it's all good.

I know you thought doing a full version of Macavity from the musical Cats for the school's talent show was a good idea, especially in full cat makeup, but...you're right. It was fucking awesome.

Eat your vegetables. Cheez-its are not a food group, and despite your metabolism defying all laws of nature, I think you have some weird health problems now.

Love,

Roxanne

 

Dear 13 year-old Durbanite

- This entire year is going to suck for you. That guy WILL try to stab you (and does succeed in getting that blade through your clothes). This is also the only time in your life that dad has your back - enjoy it because it doesn't happen again for a long time. It is at this point that you should DROP THE FUCK OUT of school at the end of the next year, or transfer to George Campbell* instead. You're mentally fucked up and do some stupid forgery shit in an attempt of getting out of doing homework. That school councilor tries to do the right thing but that psychologist she sends you to does NOT have a clue how to fix you. Do NOT stay there for another 5 years because all the bullying and bullshit from those guys at school is not worth it and you WILL snap mentally and won't ever be the same or see relationships in the same way - you will only ever be the running joke to everyone else and your only option is to leave that place and not look back. Even the teachers will pick on you. Get out of there and learn a trade as soon as you can.

- Get a book on Asperger's and make the parents get you tested for Asperger's as soon as possible. As an adult now, it's a more difficult process (from what I've read).

- Don't listen to ANY of your GPs - they are all clueless and are more interested in lining their pockets with fees based on repeat visits than actually curing your ailments or getting you better asthma management. Find a better doctor (or, better, a pulmonary specialist) and maybe get a consultation with an ENT specialist - drowning in snot because of messed-up sinuses is not cool. Oh yeah, when that dipshit GP tells your dad it's a viral infection of the colon in 2005 - take him straight to the fucking hospital because it's a burst appendix. Fucking doctors.

- Drop out of Scouts sooner - that ends things with one group of bullies 2 years sooner than expected. And no, that girl you meet there later is NOT into you, but she is into your friend. Don't bother or you'll make an idiot of yourself, again.

- Forget about the girl next door. She is NOT into overweight dudes and likes someone else. Welcome to the Friend Zone dude - it's your first of many visits. She leaves at the end of the year and you don't see her again. About women in general: none will like you because you're too weird and/or different - buy stock in Johnson & Johnson's and Kleenex instead.

- Don't bother staying at college to complete that b.com degree. Don't even start it. Finish after '02 and try to find work instead OR go overseas, or you spend 4+ years after finishing your degree sitting on your ass because there are no jobs when you finish. Also, don't bother talking to anyone at college except for the lecturers - they'll just make fun of you behind your back, anyway, or stand you up when you make plans. Make special note of avoiding Danielle - she leads you on for her own amusement, which is sad because she is the only girl you actually like there because she challenges you. You also don't see any of those people after you leave college and most don't even know you exist a year later anyway.

- Don't waste your time at gym. You never put on a pound of muscle and just hurt yourself. Rather try walking or hiking (don't forget the chewing gum or you'll get a stitch). Also, start shaving your head during college and keep doing so after - you have shit hair and crap skin which never gets better.

- Start listening to classic rock and metal sooner.

- Stop buying dumb shit. It is all bullshit, as are most people. You'll learn 99.9% of people are not even worth acknowledging their presence.

- Women. Don't bother. They don't like you, except as a shoulder to cry on or as the wingman to help them get laid. They DO NOT help you. Ever. This bears repeating.

Good luck and Godspeed. Try not to lose your mind.

30 year-old Durbanite.


*a technical school close to where I live. I may have been MUCH better off there. I'll never know now.

 

Dear little me -

You aren't as smart as everyone says. I know you aced all those tests and you're good at school, it's not the same as being smart. Get used to that idea and the real world will hurt way less.
Work hard. Bust your balls on study. Kick ass into an electrical engineering program. And learn to write code early.
Pay attention to that stupid Japanese language class. That shit will come in surprisingly handy if you get the hang of it.
Get a job the minute you're old enough. Money is fucking rad and you're smart enough to still ace school, but only if you work hard.
Keep up the Judo and Jiujitsu. Go to Katie's party when you're fourteen. Just fucking trust me.
Sit up fucking straight and use the computer properly. You know how Dad has really sore shoulders all the time from using computers? Guess what fuck head.
Get your drivers license the second you're old enough. Public transport sucks balls.
Your hair will start going thin by the time your 17. Shave your head, just fucking do it. Trust me, it'll work for you. A goatee is also a solid plan when you're old enough to grow a decent one.
Save all your money from high school jobs. As soon as you turn 18, go travel. You'll fucking LOVE London. San fran is awesome as well. Check out Osaka while you're going.
When you start university, apply for a part time job with Powerup and get into the WebCentral help desk. Then start applying for jobs with Google as soon as they're a thing. Hang around for the IPO (you'll know what that is by then) and buy a bunch of shares. Then go find something where you don't have to live for work so much.
Don't let yourself get fat. It's a bitch.
Take it easy on the drugs. Going hard is fun - but it'll come back to bite you.
If you EVER let a credit card balance carry past the interest free period, beat your stupid ass until you learn better, pay it off immediately and never do it again. That shit will fuck up your life.
Buy property when you can afford it. Don't dick around with investment gimmicks. Just buy houses in east brisbane and new farm. The jobs with computers will pay off and those areas are nice places to live and value will go through the fucking roof in your mid 20's.
Tell Dad you figured out that he's gay, and that you still love him, and you'll love him just as much if he stops hiding who he is for your benefit.

 

To little mya:

I'll keep this short and sweet, for a smart gal, boy do you make some stupid choices over the years. But despite them, or perhaps because of them, it all works out in the end. So let's not tempt fate too much with advice that you won't follow anyway. Carry on.

Enjoy!

 

Hey 13 year old self: You will grow eventually, but not until you are 17-18, I know this sucks but you are just going to have to cop it. Yes, this means no girls will look at you until you’re 18, please try to not build up too much resentment, this will result on you revenging yourself on women for next five years. I won’t lie, there are short term fringe benefits but it will mean you won’t have any female friends until your mid 20’s, this will be a loss.

Oh and you will be more awesome than 90% of the people in your high school class by the time you’re 30. Take comfort in this. This may have been aided by the confidence and potential to be an asshole you developed due to being a short ass that looked about 12 into your late teens as a defence mechanism. So on second thought please disregard the above and cut an unapologetic swath through anything with boobs that can clutch a Bacardi breezer as soon as you’re able, ultimately it will work out just fine.

 

Alright fuckface,

Listen up. I could detail all the ways in which I (we? this is some heady shit isn't it?) fucked up, but I don't want to get carpal tunnel, so I'm going to just hit the highlights. First off, Aqua Velva smells terrible. Never use it, AXE, BOD, or whatever else again. Go for subtle not OMG DID HE HARVEST THE GLANDS OF SEX PANTHER AND PUT THEM ON A NECKLACE!?!?!. That being said we can save ourselves some heartache if you internalize the following: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

So here is my advice.

1. Don't get fat. If that happens people won't like you, girls especially won't like you, and most importantly you will never like yourself. That sucks. So stick with sports, don't drink soda, and when mom stops cooking in a couple years and just gives you money to eat out take that as a sign to learn how to cook yourself.

2. You're not smart. That's okay. Study harder. And remember that having a shitty teacher is not an excuse for not learning a subject (you will run into this in math). Do your best to become an autodidact. You should also be reading a shit ton outside of what is required. Also don't drop out of that online English class just because it is harder than you are used to and your mom is the instructor. Man up and learn something.

3. Don't take Accutane. That shit will fuck you up.

4. Your parents aren't omnipotent. Take all of their advice and evaluate it carefully with their own biases in mind. Dad is an asshole (don't waste your time with him). Mom kicks ass, but she doesn't have the answers you need.

5. Apply to more than 1 university.

7. Do not aspire to be a lawyer or be anywhere near public office. You aren't cut our for either of those. Something about not being a sociopath.

6. Don't join a fraternity. At least not if you go to school in state.

8. You will need to date girls outside of your hometown.

9. Nothing truly bad happens to you for a few years. When you are 17-18 shit gets rocky. Learn how to handle grief.

10. It's all on you. Try to see this as a positive as you are in control of your destiny and not spend most of your days wasting time on self-loathing for your fuck ups as you know they were all your fault.

Try to have some fun,

Old Gravy

 

I wish I knew what to say to my 13 year old self, but I'm mostly dealing with the exact same social awkwardness now, so I really don't have a clue. This is the best I can do:

Get a haircut other than the one mom settled on when you were 5, and don't talk so much.

 

Well, you mopey dorky bastard....here we are.

1.) Talk to girls more. Seriously. Don't get me wrong. You're no James Bond. (Sean Connery obviously, but you'll grow to like Daniel Craig when he takes the helm) And you'll never, in your wildest imagination come anywhere close to him. However, you blew chances with some pretty great girls who, for reasons I still can't even begin to fathom over a decade later, enjoyed you odd personality, geeky charm, and decent sense of humor. Even if nothing comes out of it, you won't be making up for lost time in your twenties. Sack up and deal with rejection.

2.) Get your ass on a goddamn exercise bike. You're not athletic. I know it. You know it. Playing sports is a goddamn shitshow since we have the overall coordination of a palsy victim. Doesn't mean you still can't do some running, weight lifting, and bike riding. Dad put a somewhat decent workout getup in the basement. Much like point number 1, don't wait until your twenties to undo the damage of shitty eating and occasional (at best) exercise.

3.) Actually try harder in school. Yeah you can pull off pretty good grades with minimal effort. But if you think the old man's gonna pay your way through school like your sisters, you're dreaming. Doesn't matter that you easily trounce your siblings schoolwise, you're still gonna get fucked royally for their screwups. Putting a good deal more effort in school might mean that the hammer won't fall on you as hard when they casually piss away their college careers. It's a longshot since, as we both know, you will always and forever get punished for what they do. But hey, it's worth a shot!

4.) Thinking that taking over the old man's accounting practice probably seems like a sweet pass through life. Maybe for others it is, but it sure as shit isn't for you. Don't take several years to come to this conclusion. Yeah, you're still young when you decide to move on and try something else, but an extra few years head start will only help.

5.) Mom and dad aren't perfect. Yeah, they usually give pretty good advice, and no matter how much of an ass the old man is (he mellows big time, just soldier on through) they really do want what is best for you. However, they don't know what really makes you happy. Only you know that. Going back to point four, you think working with the old man is the right thing to do. You think it will make everyone happy and super proud. Again, it's not for you. It's not what makes *you* happy. Learn what advice to listen to and which to ignore. That's the way to happiness.

6.) Here's a big one. Learn to fucking stand up for yourself. The old man gave me (will give you) the best piece of advice in your life "You teach people how treat you". Wanna know why people walk all over you? Because you let them. Yeah you're short and weak. So is the old man and people respect the hell out of him. Learn to be diplomatic about it though. Yeah the old man doesn't take anyone's shit. There's also a reason most people don't want to spend long periods of time with him. Don't become spiteful. Don't carefully catalog every way you have been wronged or think you've been wronged. It's not worth it. The hate isn't worth it. And the resentment isn't worth it. You're still dealing with the hate and resentment. It just isn't worth it. At all.

This may give a picture of a sad future. It isn't. You are a helluva lot happier than you ever have been. In much better shape than you ever have been. And actually are enjoying the success with women you should have been enjoying years ago. Follow this advice and it'll happen a helluva sooner.

 

Dear 13-year-old Omegaham,

1. You are not that smart. Let me repeat - you are NOT that smart. You see how Dave and Stone are taking calculus in eighth grade? Yes, they are that smart. If you aren't with them, then it looks like you're going to have to study like the rest of us.

2. You blew your gymnastics career because you spent most of middle school fucking around instead of actually learning the fundamentals. Pommel horse doesn't get any easier later on.

3. Just to elaborate - your gymnastics career was fucked from the start because Mom didn't know which gyms actually had a good training program. Your coach is a pathological liar and doesn't actually have any Olympic experience. So quit the team and hang out in the wrestling room. You did middle school wrestling, which was garbage. You could have practiced with both middle school and high school and become a monster at your new school.

4. When you get to high school, things are going to be different. People will look at you funny; you'll have gone from being above average in a private school to "Who the fuck is this guy and why isn't he at Harvard?" They haven't seen real intelligence, and they're a shitty frame of reference. Ignore their comments of "You're so smart, you have so much potential." Yes, you have potential. You took it as a sign that you never needed to try at anything. Wrong answer, pal.

5. There's a kid who sits next to you in homeroom named Alex. He's not as smart as you, but he works his ass off and gets straight As. Learn from him.

6. Join the wrestling team freshman year. Yes, it's going to be harder for your studies. Good. It might teach you time management.

7. That game Runescape you just started playing? Fucking... just fucking stop. Stop it right now. Go read a book, play guitar, nail your dick to the table - just fucking stop.

8. Don't be such a condescending douchebag to your history teacher. Yes, he's a socialist, and not a very smart one at that. Leave it alone; no one thinks it's cool for some kid to make snide comments all day long.

9. Your Latin class, junior and senior year, is going to be you and four girls. None of these girls are good at Latin, and they look to you for help. That girl Camille who sits next to you every day? Yeah. She isn't doing that because the air conditioner blows toward that spot.

10. There's a girl in your history class named Yuliya. She likes you. Really, really likes you. "Masturbates at night to you" likes you. And you're too dumb to notice. Yeah, she's nerdy and mediocre-looking because she doesn't plasticize her face like all the other girls. News flash - you're also mediocre-looking and nerdy. You would have gotten along great!

11. There's a girl you knew in elementary school named Jessica. She's fat, ugly, and a waste of oxygen. Don't be nice to her and string her along before deciding that she isn't worth your time. That's just cruel. Reject her from the start and let her get on with her life.

I'd say more, but I'll just say this: You are the dumbest smart person there is. Period. Your 21-year-old self looks back at life with regret. Mountains and mountains of regret - things that should have gone a different way, things that should have been jumped at, things that should have been avoided like the plague. You would be shocked at what you've turned into in eight years. But hey, that's the way it is.

 

Dear Czehvodkabaron:

1) Don't wait until the Summer after you graduate from high school to lose weight; start now, at 13! I know that it is hard to talk to your parents about it, but let them know that you want to lose the weight and tell them not to buy soda and junk food.

2) Wear nice clothes, even if they are not comfortable.

3) See a psychologist to deal with your social issues. You need to learn how to interact with other human beings.

4) Women don't want nice guys. Stop being such a nice guy!

5) Money is important! Give up the video games and save every cent that you can.

6) Don't stay friends with your asshole best friend just because he is the only person you have. Ditch him and every other negative influence in your life NOW!

7) Lose the weight, and try out for the high school basketball team. Don't go through your teens and early 20s hating sports just because your dad was an asshole and pushed you too harshly in rec baseball.

8) Don't stop going to speech pathology after your sophomore year of high school.

9) Do not go out of state for college! Not only will it be a huge financial mistake, but you will reconnect with your dad's asshole cousin's family, who will end up undermining and betraying you.

10) Don't be afraid to ask out any girl, but do not ever get hung up on any one girl. None of them is worth that much trouble.

11) Decide what you might want to major in in college when you are in high school, and make sure it is a good major.

12) Don't ever think that you have everything figured out; the learning experiences are ongoing.

13) Don't be afraid to pursue relationships with people, but never trust anyone. No exceptions.

14) Stay away from the diet cokes and energy drinks...you and artificial sweeteners do not get along.

 

Ah. Funny, I was just talking about this to a friend the other day. At the end of the day, I don't think I'd change too many things, especially character-wise, as I'm really happy with who I ended up being and I don't think I'd have developed like I did without learning how to not be awkward/creepy and devoid of self-esteem.

Things I might advise myself to do:

DO find the one rugby club in your vicinity, join it and learn to play the fucking game 7 years earlier than you eventually did. It's fucking awesome and teaches you a lot.

After you finish high-school, DON'T go to the army (Swiss army is useless, I respect everyone who does their service in a country like the US where it actually counts, but the service here is a joke). Instead, get a job as an airline steward (cue the gay jokes) - while it won't pay that great, you can keep up a 40% workload throughout uni and go on holidays whenever you want because you'll get almost-free flights. Seriously, you enjoy traveling and this gets rid of the highest cost associated with it. What's not to like? (Yes, for quasi-free flights you can call me "fag" as much as you want. And those stewardesses? They like to party, at least the German ones I have met and partied with).

Also, do yourself, your neighbours and your penis a favour and learn to play the guitar instead of the saxophone. Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking?

Other than that, go ahead, you'll do fine.