Dear L4L: Your parents are lying to you. Drinking will not fix it. Ann Stafford will break your heart. Drinking will not fix it. Shit happens. Drinking will not fix it. Wrestling, no. Football, yes. Pat Drennan is going to sucker punch you on the 4th floor of the Freshman building when you turn the corner to go into algebra class. Launch a preemptive strike. January 28, 1980 will be the most important day of your life, so hang in there. The much wiser version of you.
Dear 13 Y/O TX: Keep doing what you're doing. Everything is going to turn out the way it's supposed to. Here are a few tips: 1. You're going to leave traditional high school and move away in a few years. Don't go back to it. 2. While you are in normal high school teachers will suggest you take honors and AP science classes. Don't be lazy. Just take them. 3. You aren't Gwen Stefani, so maybe you should stop dressing like her.
Alright home slice, here it is straight and easy to read. 1. Continue to run, but work out too, if you don't teach your body to put on size now, it won't know how later. 2. Ask Holly out, she was absolutely into you and you listened to that chump Scott instead. She becomes a bombshell later in life. 3. Stay away from these two girls: Courtney and Jenny. Neither are worth it and both are batshit insane. 4. Study and do well in school, it really does mean something. 5. College will be awesome, live it up and make friends with everyone and keep those friends. 6. You make a split decision your senior year, go with your gut and what you think will be awesome...it definitely is pretty baller. 7. Apply yourself twice as much in everything you do, it will pay off in the end. And stop settling for mediocrity. That sums it up. Oh, buy a quality radar detector when you turn 16 and always have it in your car. You'll thank me later, I promise.
Dear Thirteen-year-old Self, I know that things seem awful right now, and I hate to say it but it's going to keep getting worse for a couple of years before you pick yourself up and turn your life around at 16 or so. (Then, make the most of those next few years because you'll hit another awful stretch soon enough.) Maybe take it a little easy on the self-destruction in the next few years, but don't be too hard on yourself either. I understand. Don't be too hard on Dad, either. I know you kind of get it now, but one day you'll fully realize that he's not at fault and you can't really blame him. You're both spiraling out of control in parallel paths at the moment, but you'll come back together again in a few years. Fight harder for your brother. I know that shouldn't be a thirteen-year-old's responsibility, but no one else is going to do it for you. One of these days you get to see him will be your last, and even then you still won't know the extent of his dad's evil and insanity yet. On a lighter note, don't get so worked up over boys. For one, you will do perfectly fine in that whole area starting in a few years. Secondly, you don't even know the worst of what they can do yet. Enjoy having crushes. It's kind of nice. But, I promise it'll eventually get better. Eventually you will love yourself, and you will love your life, and you will in a very twisted way be thankful for what you've already experienced and what you will experience soon. And, if not, at least you have something to write about. (Yes, you will make a living off of it one day.)
Dear 13 year old caseykasem, Get your ass up early and go to the gym with your cousin. All that ridicule about being skinny is just him motivating you. Put some effort into working out and learn from those who are willing to teach you things. Pick up that old guitar more often. When you get frustrated, stick with it and practice more instead of going downstairs and turning on the tv. This will become your passion one day but you won't have time for it then. Enjoy it now while you have the time. Be nice to that chick with the nasty overbite. Orthodontics does wonders and she ends up really hot and has a thing for you. When she wants to hang out with you in a few years do it and ditch the girlfriend you'll have at the time. It will end up nicely for you. Keep playing hockey. Don't let one coach that hates you ruin the game you love. You'll probably never be any good but play because you know how much you love it. There will be this chick, Kay, in a few years that you'll really like at first. Don't get involved with her. She's a cheating whore and you'll miss out on quality pussy while dealing with her bullshit. Don't settle for less than what you want. Chase your dream and don't let people tell you it can't be done. Don't let others tell you what you can and cannot do. Their opinion won't matter in a few years.
Frosty: In a year, you're going to move to another city and meet a girl named Lindsey. She will have a wonderful butt and a cute smile. Do not believe that she is a virgin. Do not get naked and try to put it in her. If you choose to heed the previous advice, at the very least, listen to this: She is NOT pregnant. Your new neighborhood will have a boy midway between the age of you and your brother. Under no circumstances is your brother to be left alone with him at any time. If this means you have to bury a knife in the fucker's chest and bury him in his own backyard, do it. Your junior year you will be invited to a house party. Leave the weed at home. Do not submit to the urge to try every type of alcohol available. You will embarrass and alienate yourself, and the better part of a dime bag of good weed will end up getting flushed when the cops come (which everyone ends up blaming you for). Junior year you will also find a job opportunity at a mom-and-pop kitchen. Do NOT take that job. If that means you don't find a different opportunity for a decade, suck it up, but do not accept that job. When you're saving for a car, keep the money where no one else can touch it. If you think your student bank account is safe, you're wrong, because one day soon your father will come home and show you a picture of a beaten-up 1989 Buick Century. He will ask you what you think of it, and you will say that it looks like a clunker. He will be upset that you do not appreciate his already having bought it for you...with your own money and without your consent. Get off of the computer. Stop being so shy. Stop taking it personally. Get professional therapy and antidepressants - it will save you many years of loneliness and hours of condescending lectures from bosses. Save more money, invest it, and don't touch cigarettes. Pick an instant where you're being bullied, and throw a punch. You won't win, but it will be worth it. And for fuck's sake, look a girl in the eye and talk to her. Lotion gets expensive. P.S. Take most of this with a grain of salt, because I'm a decade ahead of you and not much wiser.
1. Don't be such a morose dick to your parents. They have shit going on that you won't begin to understand for many, many years. Yes, they fuck up, but they are genuinely trying to do the best they can for you and you have no idea of the sacrifices they have and will make for you. 2. Yes, you go to a small school comprised of people who are not intellectually inclined. You don't win friends with salad, or by making a point of your intellectual superiority. More importantly, being the smartest guy in the room is quite misleading when the room is a broom cupboard. You are going to get the shock of a lifetime once you enter the working world. 3. Back your own plays. None of your friends have anything approaching foresight. When you know something is a stupid idea, convince them out of it or absent yourself from the proceedings. 4. You're going to have a bad run with women for many years. This is partly you, and partly them. Take note of the women you are self-selecting for and wise up.
Dear 13 y/o gtg2k, Stick with football during 10th grade. There is a good chance you could get a scholarship somewhere, maybe even a D1 school. If you don't stick with football, at least keep working out and ease up on the fries- you'll thank me later. Do not hook up with Meghan, no matter who says you'll be a good couple. You won't really feel anything for her, and it will mess up your life for awhile. Try to actually talk to Elisha before your junior year of high school. She thinks you're cute, and you think she's the hottest. After that, you have no chance. Give up any hope of trying to get with MJ, no chance whatsoever. Freshman year of college, go to class and study. In fact, all of college, go to class and study. You'll thank me when you're 30. Seriously, keep working out. When you meet an older chick named Kathleen, for the love of God, run away as fast as you can. If you do get with her, break up with her at Thanksgiving break and move into the fraternity house when you can. You'll get laid a lot more. Learn to control your anger. This will help professionally in many, many ways.
Hey there little fella, You did all right at the next 7 years the first time around, but we can definitely cut down on some existential anxiety and blue balls. First off, stop playing video games. Either because you get old or they get stupid, they're going to cease being fun in about two years and you're going to wish you'd spent your time on other shit, namely playing the piano. Play the piano more. I know you play a lot and think you're good--you're not. Play more. Way more. All the time. And with a damn metronome. You're going to do this for a living--spare yourself some last minute "I-can't-play-all-these-damn-songs" and work your ass off right now. The girl you're hooking up with going into high school: stop. You A) don't actually like her that much and B) are gonna hit that in college anyway. The first girl you date in high school--stay with her. The braces come off, the boobies sprout, and she's an absolute keeper. It doesn't matter that your good friend wants to touch your peen--your GF does too but you're both awkward and neurotic dweebs. (So in addition, get your GF to touch your peen. Try this line: "I think we have too many clothes on." or this one: "You're gorgeous. Can I see your tits?" I know it makes no sense but THEY HAVE LEGITIMATELY WORKED FOR YOUR FUTURE SELF IN HIGH SCHOOL) Staying with this girl will save you grief both sophomore and senior year and you will get laid more. More to this point--don't date that chick senior year. Net result=completely not worth it. Lift weights, dude. Convince Cole to teach you how to back squat and deadlift properly (NOT in the smith machine). You have good genes for it and by junior year in high school you will be a stud. Write songs. Write songs. Write songs. Before you know what makes a good song, or worse, what makes a great song, write a lot of shitty ones. When your critical faculty outpaces by several thousand laps your creative faculty you're going to hate yourself and writing is going to be like pulling teeth. Good luck. You're going to get two little dogs that hate each other, and then run one over. No way to really avoid this but just start mentally preparing now. I'd tell you not to get suspended on the trip to Italy, but honestly--that was fun and totally worth it.
Dear Pre-PIMPTRESS, 1. Mom really is fucking crazy. Instead of provoking her, steer clear of her. She won't have a sudden epiphany of her insanity, ever. 2. It's okay that the heavy ever present religious crap doesn't make sense to you. 3. You will change the course of being bullied at school this year when it finally occurs to you that you are a foot taller than every other girl at your school. Smile at these small girls, for you can quite literally fuck them up. In two years Aja D. will surprise you with a baseball bat to the temple. Try to have someone walking with you who can keep you from sending her to get her head stapled. It turns out that rage =blackout for you. 4. In your early twenties, you will make ALOT of money doing what you love. SAVE your money, idiot, nothing lasts forever.
Little Shimmered - Oh Man. Don't make good on that bet. You know which one I'm talking about...or you will. Just don't. Learn to study. Everything is going to come easily to you for a number of years, so you won't have to study. Eventually you will though, so learn it. Those people who are bullying you? They won't remember it in two decades. They'll remember it as you were the girl they were afraid of (?), who spoke her mind and was therefore intimidating. Don't let this stop you from defending yourself. Don't make that bike ride to town when you're 14. Keep playing softball. Don't stop. Don't start TKD either, no matter how much fun it looks OR how much your mom wants to. You'll get your arm broken in a tournament and miss a season of softball. That guy Chris? He's REALLY funny, and he likes you a LOT. He's just too shy to say so, and too intimidated by you to act on it. I know the intimidation thing doesn't make sense, but it still won't make sense in twenty years, so don't bother fretting about it, just realize it and let him open up to you. Fix YOUR attitude. People aren't as bad as they've been to you, overall. Yes, you're going to have a rough go of it for a while, and it's going to put a helluva chip on your shoulder, but you can really find some good people if you exercise good judgment. Mr. Morris will tell you, in 8th grade, that you're building a wall up around yourself, and not letting anyone near you. He's right. You've got good reason though...but just remember, not EVERYONE is bad. Finally, stop wearing those goddamn rocky mountain jeans. They're hideous. Love, Older Shimmered
Dude, wash your hands after doing that. Oh and put away those fucking Simple Plan, Linkin Park, and Good Charlotte albums. I know you're 13, but it's fucking embarrassing. Bobby Hill is not a good look. No one has ever said "I wish I looked more like Bobby Hill." The less you think about getting laid, the more you will. Just try being a nice person who occasionally makes them laugh. It will work.
Listen to me very carefully: Do not give in to astonishment. You will give yourself your best advice. Play bass. Play it every day. Learn music theory. When your dad steals it in a few years to pay for that drug deal, suck up your pride and feelings about it being tainted. It isn't. Go get it, cherish it and play every day. Your feelings about the religion are not your fault. You're not wrong. That feeling of freedom that you get when you don't do what they tell you? That is real. Follow the feeling. Leave after you meet a guy called Merdaud. He'll change your life and you'll change his. You are not your mother's husband. You can't take care of her and you can't save her. Its not your job. Break free of that clutch soon. She has to grow up and so do you. Go with Mauricio to Oslo. Know, don't think but know that you are a bad motherfucker. The people around you that attempt to convince you otherwise are so so fucking wrong. And goddamn but you are a pretty motherfucker as well. Work hard, regard females, aquire currency and whenever you get depressed, know that whatever is bothering you will be there whether or not you choose to find something to be happy about. So just be happy. Its more fun.
Hey buddy... First- Don't worry about your voice cracking nonstop and being one of the smallest guys in the class. Give your voice a couple years and don't give up on the weights. You will end up just fine. Trust me. There's a difference between persistence and desperation, and you need to learn where to draw the line. Seriously, get realistic about what is in your control and what isn't. You cannot change who you are and instead of trying to be someone you aren't, just relax and be yourself. Eventually you'll get what's yours and it's gonna take a lot of looking and a lot of failure, but you've gotta be patient. Stand up to your brother now. He is a pussy deep down inside and one swing back at him is all it'll take for him to back off. It's best to do it sooner than later. Finally, good fucking luck in high school! -katokoch from the future
Listed in order of importance: When you sit, sit like a normal person, not a scrunched up fetus. While you're at it, cut your video gaming time down by about 50% and go out for a run or a walk or something. This way, you'll have fewer back and knee injuries when you try to do real physical activity after too much chair parade. I know flossing isn't really pleasant, but do it anyway. Crowns are expensive and a lot more unpleasant. I'd give you a bunch of advice about specific girls, but if you follow this, your dating path will be completely different anyway: rejection is not the end of the world. Don't be so terrified, kid. Along similar lines, make more of an effort to keep in touch with your friends after you graduate from college, and the ones you make in grad school. Ex-girlfriends, though, are like old taxes - better left in the past. Finally, when you get the chance to, go study abroad. Being in a foreign country with people your own age is much different than going there with your parents. -Future Nick
Dear 13-year-old Misanthropic, Stop smoking the oregano. Your naive parents will think it's pot, and you will be in some serious trouble. Blaming it all on your friend's crazy brother will not help matters. Misanthropic
If you thought you were fat now just wait until you get your own money for caf food. Also take some math courses and get a real degree. You aren't going to be a lawyer, or some hotshot idealist left wing political force. You're financially fine, but you'll be really insecure about the college diploma you get from Sheridan.
Dear Young Volo Do not put your dick in there. That way, you won't have to lie to the doctor or your old man. Love, Volo
Dear itty-bitty-hooker, Stop biting your nails. Throw away the overalls. And the fanny-pack. Stop acting like the devil when you don't get your way. Your family loves you, and they'll always be there for you. Marry rich. Cheers, grown-up-hooker