This was a blog post I recently did, but I figured there are plenty of people in here who can have creative/humourous fun with this: To my thirteen-year-old Self: Jesus, dude. What's with the track suits? Do you own a single thing that doesn't have "Beaver Canoe" or "Northern Reflections" written on it? They're called jeans, and they've worked since the mid fifties for dudes so maybe you should stop raging against the status quo already. Just because all of the girls are taller than you right now doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to stay unattractive to them. While we're on the subject, those steps you have shaved in the side of your head? Yeah, they're utterly yesterday as of next month. Do you honestly believe MC Hammer will be playing arenas in ten years? What is your damage? Yes, you must think you're cool being the first in your class to own C+C Music Factory's album, but get this: you'll be able to hold 10,000 songs on something the size of your thumbnail in less than twenty years while you're wasting your fifteen minutes of fame on a fucking cassette tape. You should be out in the yard with the cool kids helping them pick on the weak and ugly instead of designing your own movie posters in your science book, asshole. Darryl Winkler is having a house party two blocks away while his parents are in Acapulco and here you are watching Die Hard 2 in your parent's darkened basement for the billionth time. Steal that bottle of Sauza from the liquor cabinet since you're parents never touch booze anymore and show up at that party a hero. No? You'd rather piss away a golden opportunity at popularity to see McClane fight Colonel Stewart on the plane's wing again? Your loss, ass-munch. Nice guys finish last, and here you are doe-eyed and submissive to any half-attractive girl that talks to you. You're one of few kids who bring a lunch box to school, shouldn't you be in the remedial class using safety scissors when you sport that sort of look? Ask Tanya out already. She honestly likes you and you think she's hot, but no, you think public school dating requires effort of some kind you have no knowledge of. BULLSHIT. You don't "date" in public school, idiot. You hold hands in the hall to demonstrate you've marked your territory. In a couple years, you'll want to stick your Thing in this girl, but that won't happen because to her you were just that bashful little schmuck that never asked her out. Swish that around in your mouth and let me know how it tastes, and take that abomination of a retainer out before you do it you poltergeist. Oh, and one more thing: stop being a Redskins fan after they win the Superbowl this year. Focus: Write a letter to your thirteen-year-old self.
Dear 13 year old JWags, You're about to go back to public school after 3 years of a tiny private school experiment. This is awesome, but be smart. The school counselor is setting you up with one of your old friends as a "buddy" and you'll basically be entrenched with them for the next year. Choose David, not Brian, for the love of god. They were on equal footing friendship wise through sports but David is going to end up the QB of a state championship winning football team, Brian is going to end of a bit awkward with an insect nickname. Trust me, you want to be in David's circle of friends. Show some maturity on the soccer field dammit. You have alot of talent but your temper and recklessness are costing you and will end up in your parents taking you off your club team this summer. You will fall behind your peers and end up playing for a top HS team later on. Not saying you would have been a D-1 player, but it would have been more fun than Cross Country. Be super nice to Danielle. You guys are buddies now cause you've known each other forever, but you'd rather try to get in the good graces of "popular" girls. Well guess what, the summer after Freshman year she will undergo a metamorphosis and return an absolute smokeshow. You'll still be friends, but if you're smart now, you likely won't be a total sexual misfit till college. And oh yes, start playing that guitar and piano NOW, don't wait 3 more years.
To 13-year old self: -Don't fuck up in school, your GPA high school is pretty important despite what you think now. -Don't play quite so much Counter-Strike. -In a few years, you'll meet a girl named Kara. Don't bother with her at all. She's not fucking worth it, and for the love of Christ, don't send her that letter when your 16. You'll know the one when the time comes. I repeat, do not send it or even fucking write it for that matter. -Don't drive down Asylum Avenue in Hartford on August 3rd, 2003. -In early 2004, drive to Cambridge, Mass and find a kid named Mark Zuckerberg. Steal his laptop and reverse engineer whatever he's working on and make it your own.
Besides the fact that you won't listen to shit I say I'd like you to: - Put down the video games and stick with the guitar. Listen to the entire Darkside of The Moon album right now, not 4 years from now when you couldn't care less about playing an instrument. Also, Static X is garbage listen to Alice in Chains and Soundgarden instead. Join a band with your friend who plays a wicked bass and get laid like guys in bands do without having to change any of your puss ass ways. Also, stop being a puss ass. -Take your hobbies, besides video games more seriously. Learn how to reload bullets now. -Spend more time with dad. He doesn't have a hernia , it's cancer. -Stop bleaching your hair, no one cares and it's not long before that look makes you look like a midlife creeper. Also, don't grow out your hair to huge disgusting afro length. Girls will be disingenuous when the say your hairs cool because they can run their fingers through it. The minute you shave it off everyone will tell you how terrible it looked and how much better you look clean cut. -Stick with wrestling. Try other team sports. Become active now. Thank me later. Take physical therapy seriously instead of half assing it. Thank me when you don't wake up five out of seven days a week with terrible back pain. -If somehow you fuck up not getting laid in a band at least keep hooking up with the girl you first hook up with when you're 17. You could have gotten WAAAAY more than the two BJs in one night she gave you. Plus, she is actually one of the coolest girls you'll ever meet. You should hang out with her more anyway. -If you still haven't radically changed history. DO NOT offer to drive your friends to eat May 8-9th 2009 after hanging out all night at the bar. You'll avoid wrecking your friends truck and the headache of getting and fighting a DUI charge. I am wondering when someone will advise their 13 year old self NOT to get laid more. "Listen 4 pregnancy scares in high school is not cool. Stop." This is an internet message board though.
Dear 13 year old Bandit: There is no god. All that crap mom told you about going to hell for pre-marital sex is bullshit. (Oh, and later on you will find out that she's guilty of that, and a bunch of other things. Oh, and she's going to die next year, but you already knew that.) While we're on the issue of sex, when you get a crush on a girl who just wants to be friends, don't try to win her over by being persistent. Vanessa, Priscilla, Dee, etc.- they're all lost causes. Instead, concentrate on the girls who are obviously into you. There's going to be a lot of them. Just open your eyes. You can't trust women with birth control. Those issues are going to cause you the most grief in high school, so other than that, strap in and enjoy the ride. Just watch yourself in your mid 20's when you are out partying. You might want to think about staying over at friends' houses instead of driving home. EDIT: To go along with Kubla Kahn's post: Diversify your music choices. There's more to music than Metallica. Yes, Metallica is awesome, but they aren't the only metal band out there. And Lars Ulrich is a douche bag. Really enjoy the shenanigans that you are gonna pull in middle school and high school, because after 9/11 and the Columbine shooting, you would probably get thrown in juvy for the stuff you're gonna do.
Dear 13-year-old me: Numerated because you have trouble focusing on long lists - 1. For god's sake, put layers in your hair. You look like Alice from Dilbert. 2. Your first year of high school will seem awesome - the second will be absolute shit but everything from that point on will be great. Those "friends" you have now? They're not your friends. 3. Befriend an accounting geek. Having those tips at your disposal "for free" later in life is essential. 4. This one's a biggie - you will meet a man who seems like the best thing in the world. The day he balls up his fist, walk out the fucking door and don't look back. 5. ANT200 - take it in first year. It will save you $15K. 6. Those BBSes you hang out on now? Funny story...
Dear 13 yr old me: Winning a race to 200lbs is not something to be proud of dumbass. Later on you'll understand how much this boosts your self esteem. You're kinda funny but you don't have to be the jolly fat ass. (Women really don't dig it). Tell your parents that you need the exercise and they need to let you play sports. The family doctor will help. Put down that fucking big mac. You have no idea how much work you caused me trying to get back in shape. Oh and that geeky chick, she ages well. Probably should have seen that coming.
Dear 13 blah blah blah; It's a tiny school you're in now, everyone's gonna know who you are before you know them. And yeah, everyone's saying stuff you'd only ever heard on tv and movies before, but you should be careful who you say stupid shit to, 13 year old girls are sensitive, and you can become mr unpopular because all the other students are hypocrites and liars. Also, the guys all make jokes about how the girls are all ugly and liking them would be gay, but fuck that, most of them are alright and have no self esteem, so ask them out and build your own. Be more creative while you can, and try and get out more. I know it's hard living that far away, but you're actually more friends with everyone than you realise. Your stupid jokes will make them all laugh for another 12 months. Also, some poor quiet kid will start at the school next year, his Mother will start teaching there too and you will pity him. But he's even weirder and quieter than you,and you'll have friends by then, so you'll mostly ignore him. Try to get at least some fucked up tidbit from him, because in ten years time he'll turn out to be this weirdo:http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/fake-indian-kidnapper-loses-appeal-20111220-1p3aq.html Also, go see The Matrix, you have no business going to see the Phantom Menace, you never liked Star Wars anyway.
Dear 13 year old me: I don't remember anything about you because you fried your brain on Super Nintendo. Super Metroid, Secret of Mana, Star Fox and Final Fantasy III (VI) are awesome games though so good job! Don't change a thing!
Dear 13-year old self, Pretty much everyone you are in school with right now is going to be a deadbeat by the time they finish high school. You do not need any of these people to like you. A few days before 7th grade ends, your science teacher is going to tell you that people will like you better if you act normal. She is a lying cunt. Acting "normal" is so overrated. In a few years, "normal" will be exactly how you are now. Next year you are going to public school. People will be nicer and some of them are going to be a race other than white. It's pretty cool to have friends from other backgrounds. You're also going to find out there are more than 2 religions. Mom and dad aren't even going to be mad when you convert to Taoism for a couple years. Pay attention in English class. You're going to want to be in AP English, because regular English is bullshit. Try hard in your other classes. History is kind of cool and some science classes are going to become useful in the future. You're not going to lose your virginity (have sex) until you are 22. But it's cool. The guy you lose it to cares about you as a person. Write down those stories you tell yourself at night. I can't remember them anymore and they were really good. But above all else, don't give a shit what the people you're in school with right now think of you. Not even the teachers.
Dear 13yr old me, Hey dude...ohh for fucks sake are you masturbating? Seriously. Jesus fucking Christ. Your future self is here, pretty fucking huge deal and all you can do is try and jerk it. Fine, whatever, anything I have to say you will just ignore. I am back to the future to watch unlimited porn of every kind my bizarre mind can think of at the click of a mouse. Yeh stew on that one numb nuts, back to your Sears catalogue.
Dear 13 year old me, First of all, you don't know anything, and you won't start to begin knowing anything for another 13 years. Accept this, shut your mouth, and learn. You're a smart kid, but you're god damn lazy. Get your shit together. Your grades matter. Write more, play Twisted Metal and Syphon Filter way less. Oh, and don't let Geoff stab your sofa, retard--mom really wasn't happy about that. Right about now, you're 4'9" tall and weigh about as much as a fart in the wind. People push you around, and things are generally shitty outside of your close knit group of friends. Sack up and soldier on. Over the summer you're going to grow 6 inches--yeah, six inches--and put on about 20 pounds doing nothing more than existing. Your body will hurt like hell (especially those knees), but you'll look like you actually might belong in high school and girls will notice. Speaking of girls, one in particular will notice next year. I spent all of high school with her, but I'd advise against that. I missed out on a lot of fun because of that, so let it run its course (and it will in about 8 months, really) and walk away--go have fun with someone else. You'll thank me. Above all else, you're not invincible, and whatever luck you have to spend, just know that you'll run be running deep into the reserves, so get smart quick before you find yourself in trouble.
Oh, 13 year old self, how little you know. You know nothing, and will never know anything. Listen, they're dead and they will stay dead. You're alive and living in an emotional tomb. Persevere. Don't bottle it up for another 10 years when the kid dies too and you don't have the capacity to ameliorate everything. I wish I could tell you how, but I still don't know except that things get better if you let them. I wish I could tell you that you won't feel alone, but that'd be a lie too. But alone is ok sometimes; you will learn the right context. Don't worry about any of your friends/acquaintances. The fat guy will be great for the next 17 years until he loses his shit. You end up introverting yourself because people act like cocks to you. Don't regard anything they say as truth; they're lousy people. This is also a time in this country's history when it is perfectly acceptable to clock a douchebag and not get arrested in school for it. Pick up the book again. Don't wait. Don't be discouraged by how boring they all seem. One will open it all up for you again. Start with King's Bachman Books. Really read them. Go to Steinbeck and Hemingway, they will show you exactly those pieces of yourself that you can't even verbalize. In a few years Palahniuk's Fight Club comes out. Get it. You like history, so start reading better history, real history, unencumbered by textbook politics and inadequacies. Listen to the rock n' roll. Pick up the guitar. There ain't shit on TV anyway. Oh, and stop eating all that shit so your acne vanishes almost over night. Stay in Tae Kwon Do for the exercise. You won't end up being the flabbiest skinny guy ever. It's disgusting how flabby you are, fat tits. You make me sick.
Dude, Listen and listen good, what I'm gonna say is gonna save you a lot of trouble over the next few years. First, Clockwork Orange is a good movie but not an inspiration. Delarge is a douche, not a role model. Don't make a habit of carrying a dagger around to school, you'll miss both proms when you're expelled and that nerdy girl from art class is into you. She's not much of a looker after high school, but it's better than loosing your virginity to that girl from the group home. Second, man up and enlist in the marines. Your parents and grandparents just want you to hang around your hometown for the cheap labor on the farm; and your first go around at community college is a waste of time anyway. Speaking of which, that really cool place the cops have up on the hill? Stay the fuck away from it, and don't think about it. Don't ask why, just trust me on this. Oh and if you don't enlist, look up your sisters friend from elementary school. You'll want to get to know her ASAP; it'll pay off in ways you won't expect. On the same note, don't and I mean don't, get to know her friend from high school. That one leads to a very nasty end for you and her both. Remember, elementary school friend is good, high school friend is very bad.
Dear 13 year old bewildered, It's okay to date that 17 year old if you want, but for fucks sack, don't eat lunch and spend time exclusively with him because when you break up in 9 months you won't have your old friends anymore. Love, 23 year old 'wildered
Self, Listen. I know it's a rough time for you. Your body is changing, your mother is actually crazy, and no one is in your corner. But I am. Pay attention now and life will get easier, I promise. -Mom won't let you quit ballet, but you hate it. Stop crying for hours...your teacher has anorexia, so her comments about your boobs aren't rooted in reality. You look fine, sweetie. You'll be thankful for those tits in a few years--promise. Sign up for tennis or something. Mom will flip her shit, but you can sell it to Dad. And ultimately, on this, he will go to bat for you. -Spend time with Grandpa. As much as you can. The cancer will come back. And your family will never be the same again. -Don't try out for cheerleading. You don't know this yet, but Mrs. Harley has it out for you. -On that note, kiss the brilliant nerd. You think he doesn't like you because he hasn't tried to kiss you, but he's ridiculously shy. You're not. Make a move and see where it leads you. Love, Me
"Dude, it's only your penis. I know it's cool, but try to focus. Everything else will work itself out. Take care, R4B circa 2012."
Dear 13 year old Dude, -Swim, you idiot. I know the practices are early, don't be a bitch and do it. Also, playing Lacrosse will be one of the best decisions you make. -I know that girl seems kind of weird and listens to a lot of emo music, but don't write her off too early. She gets smoking hot in a year or two. So does L. Be a lot nicer to K, and don't waste your time with H. J is a FREAK. -Be less of an asshole freshman year. You aren't that cool. -Keep skateboarding. -Do your fucking homework. You'll have to pull your GPA up later, and it's not fun. Sincerely, Dude
1. Sign up for Tae Kwon Do now. Don't spend another 3 years drifting through baseball and football. It takes 3 years just to get your black-belt, and that's where real learning begins. You'll also have some awesome role models to help you with your first 2 years of high school. Also you're a shit to everyone and you need the mental and physical discipline. 2. Get a job mowing lawns/ shoveling snow, whatever. Then when you ding your history teacher's truck on an icy road having to pay a $600 repair bill won't wipe out your life's savings. Also, you make better friends with the people you work with than the people you go to school with. 3. Use your new wealth to buy a car, specifically a light truck. You have no idea how useful it will be, plus you'll have some basic mechanical skills before you're stuck on your own. Also, get more practice driving a manual, so you don't look like such a dork when you have to. AND GET YOUR FUCKING LICENSE ASAP! 4. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AN ARCHITECT! Take as many fucking art classes as you can in high school. You only have mediocre talent but you can do awesome stuff when you practice. And the major you find after you fail at Architecture will be so much more awesome if you've already improved your art skills. 5. Don't turn down party invitations in high school because you're shy. Alcohol solves that problem, and freshman year of college will be a lot more fun with a tolerance. Plus, the art students are way more fun to hang out with. 6. In regards to freshman year: 2 of your 3 roommates are assholes. Don't be friends with them just because they're sophomores. The nerds down the hall throw much more awesome parties, and surprisingly, know many more girls. You'll be living with those guys in a couple years anyway, so get in on the shenanigans early. Stick around for the end of semester parties; don't run back home as soon as finals are over.