Adult Content Warning

This community may contain adult content that is not suitable for minors. By closing this dialog box or continuing to navigate this site, you certify that you are 18 years of age and consent to view adult content.

Tips from Cosmo that will put you in the hospital

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by rei, May 18, 2012.

  1. rei

    rei
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    16
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,273
    Location:
    Guelph, ON
    It got mentioned in the girly pleasures/dirt thread how bad the advice in Cosmo can be, also as immortalized in a Cracked article
    <a class="postlink" href="http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-sex-tips-from-cosmo-that-will-put-you-in-hospital/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-se ... -hospital/</a>

    (for bonus points they also have terrible relationship advice: <a class="postlink" href="http://www.cracked.com/article_19066_7-psychotic-pieces-relationship-advice-from-cosmo.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.cracked.com/article_19066_7- ... cosmo.html</a>)

    Focus: Terrible, misguided sex advice, especially from magazines.
    Alt-focus: What are some dumb sex 'facts'/'acts' that people you've fooled around with have believed at way later an age than they should have.


    I don't have much for this one, except for a girl who made me use a condom in her for oral because she was worried that it'd form a baby in her stomach. She was 20 (and perhaps more relevant, could not finish me off with her mouth anyway)
     
  2. effinshenanigans

    effinshenanigans
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    145
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,950
    Location:
    CT
    My high school girlfriend thought that you couldn't get pregnant in a hot tub.

    Which I guess is kind of true, since hot tub sex sucks so much that you eventually stop before anything happens anyway (That had nothing to do with her thought process, though).
     
  3. guernica

    guernica
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    7
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    829
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    "Let's wear two condoms, just to make sure"
     
  4. Juice

    Juice
    Expand Collapse
    Moderately Gender Fluid

    Reputation:
    1,390
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    13,430
    Location:
    Boston
    Focus: "Use two fingers to tickle his prostate and he'll cum harder than ever before."

    Thanks but no thanks.

    Anti-Focus: "Don't marry a pretty girl because you're afraid she'll leave you, marry an ugly girl because if she leaves you, who cares?"
     
  5. Misanthropic

    Misanthropic
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    413
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    3,257

     
    #5 Misanthropic, May 22, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  6. dixiebandit69

    dixiebandit69
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    828
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    4,191
    Location:
    The asshole of Texas
    Alt. Focus: The Rhythm Method.
    That's the contraceptive method where you only have sex on certain days of the woman's cycle, avoiding the days when she is ovulating. It is the only birth control method approved by the Vatican.

    Now, I know that theoretically it can work, but EVERY newly married Catholic couple I've ever known who has tried it ended up pregnant within weeks.
    If you've ever read "Sperm Wars," you know it's not that cut and dried. Sperm cells stay active for days after ejaculation.

    Stupid Catholics.
     
  7. MoreCowbell

    MoreCowbell
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    14
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,185
    To be fair, there may be an additional factor at play there.
     
  8. lust4life

    lust4life
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    2,562
    Location:
    Deepinthehearta, TX
    Not true. They also endorse abstinence.
     
  9. rei

    rei
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    16
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    1,273
    Location:
    Guelph, ON
    I've also heard that choirboys do not get pregnant.
     
  10. Chirpy

    Chirpy
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    288
    My college roommate took some of Cosmo's advice and gave her boyfriend "the best blowjob he's ever had," according to the title. I don't think I'll ever forget her coming home the next morning and honestly asking me why he pulled her head up and they didn't have sex that night. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard as I did at that moment while looking into her wide, confused eyes.

    The tip: In the middle of the blowjob, go all the way to the base then scrape your teeth against the underside and nibble on the tip.

    Yep.

    You can uncross your legs now and stop making that cringe-face.

    Cosmo is the devil.

    I think I might have one of their "sex tip" books that they'd give away as a free gift with a subscription. God bless you, TiB for yet another afternoon filled with mindless procrastination.

    Edit: Found it. Hiiiiiiiiiilarious.
     

    Attached Files:

  11. Now Slappy

    Now Slappy
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    81
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    865
    Fixed that for you.
     
  12. JWags

    JWags
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    153
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    3,210
    Location:
    Chicago
    Cosmo has repeatedly championed the "love tug". FUCK THAT. Do NOT pull on my pubic hair, thank you very much. Thats just ridiculous.

    I also remember seeing something about sucking their testicle in and out of your mouth rapidly over and over. That just sounds like an absolute recipe for pain.
     
  13. Rush-O-Matic

    Rush-O-Matic
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    1,309
    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2009
    Messages:
    12,143
    I guess technique might reduce the chance for pain, but it would definitely kill the mood. If a girl did that to me during the middle of a blowjob, I would absolutely start laughing my ass off. "Ha ha! Damn, baby. What the fuck?"

    Shit. I can't stop laughing now.
     
  14. bewildered

    bewildered
    Expand Collapse
    Deeply satisfied pooper

    Reputation:
    1,223
    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    10,982
    I heard that my ex boyfriend's sister and brother in law, as newlyweds, wrapped a fruit roll up around his thingy parts so she could eat it off. It melted and got all in his hair and became a problem. I'm pretty sure a buncha virgins didn't make that move up....

    On second thought, that is exactly the shit that a buncha virgins make up.
     
  15. BeCoolBitch_BeCool

    BeCoolBitch_BeCool
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    1
    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2009
    Messages:
    301
    My ex-girlfriend was constantly trying to cram my penis into her cheeks like a chipmunk storing acorns. Every time without fail, it resulted in her chewing on my cock with her back molars. Really made me gun-shy for a while.
     
  16. xrayvision

    xrayvision
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    510
    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2009
    Messages:
    6,325
    Location:
    Hyewston
    I once got a blow job that left me with bruises and a mild hematoma on the head of my penis. When I showed her that shit the next day, she felt really bad. I think she thought some sort of chewing motion would also be enjoyable. She was drunk and didn't respond to repeated head slappings, which was all I could do to mitigate the intense pain she caused me.

    So the lesson here, ladies, is that some pressure is good. But not so much that its like getting pulled into the vacuum of space.
     
  17. Binary

    Binary
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    388
    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    4,079
    Someone needs to write Cosmo and inform them that the only time "use your teeth" should be said in reference to a blowjob is if it is preceding "on your attacker."
     
  18. Luke 217

    Luke 217
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    4
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2009
    Messages:
    393
    Location:
    Provo. Spain?
    My very first blowjob ever was mind blowing. The only problem was that for some reason she left her gum in my pubes. And I didn't know it was in there until I got home later that night. So I remember reading in one of my sisters magazines that to get gum out of hair, use peanut butter.....

    Now picture my dad walking into the kitchen at 2 am in the morning, watching me spread peanut butter all over my junk as our family dog looked on greedily as he licked his chops.

    Son. You've got some explaining to do.
     
  19. hooker

    hooker
    Expand Collapse
    Emotionally Jaded

    Reputation:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    2,154
    I like how in this article he went and got permission from Cosmo to re-post their sex tips and then made fun of almost every single one.
     
  20. Pussy Galore

    Pussy Galore
    Expand Collapse
    Disturbed

    Reputation:
    -1
    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2009
    Messages:
    445
    Location:
    Atlanta, GA
    I'm so confused by the last item on the list. Are they really suggesting that if someone exhales into my crotch, it could enter my bloodstream? What about if his penis forces air into my vag? Is that going to kill me? Have they never heard of queefing?

    Anti-focus: I still crack up when people think that just because they received negative test results, they must be disease-free. I've explained the concept of viral dormancy more times than I care to count, and the response is always, "But I got tested and nothing showed up, so I'm definitely clean." Whether you're clean or not, you're still pollution in the gene pool.