TiB's Public Bathroom Rituals

My shits barely take longer than my pisses, so taking a dump in a public bathroom or someone else's house has never been a big deal. I can't piss in urinals, though. Wending my dick through the maze of my fly and zipper has always been beyond me, and I'm not dropping my drawers at the urinal if no one else does it that way. For that matter, if everyone else did do it that way, it would be all the more reason to lock myself in a stall. Same idea as "I'd never be part of a club that would have someone like me as a member," I suppose.

 

Did you just admit to pulling down your pants every time you pee? What are you, 6? Jesus, man. Don't admit that to people.

 

OK, look, I'm going to speak for all sane men.

Urinals? You hit every other, unless they're all taken, and then you suck it up.

Shitter? You avoid it in public unless you're about to soil yourself, and then you take a corner stall, handicapped if it's available. If you're in a place where you have to use the same stall regularly (such as US Navy ships), you pick a stall as your own, and if someone is in there, you don't shit for half an hour, until the residual ass heat has worn off.

I have no issue with seeing another dude's piece, seeing as how I'm not looking.

But we all, kinda, fear other dudes looking at ours. Doesn't matter if you're Tiny Tim, or Big John, you don't want other dudes meat-gazing. That's just the way it works.

I would freakin love to hear a girls take on similar situations.

 

Sometimes when there are 5 or 6 urinals, and only one is being used, I'll wear one of these and line up right next to the guy. For his added comfort.

 

Based on similar internet discussions, I learned about the courtesy flush and use it. But it's rare that I will need to go in a public (non-office) bathroom.

If I go into a public bathroom and the seat looks dry, clean, and no one has just walked out of it, I will sit right down. Otherwise I will wipe it clean and put layers of TP to cover. I do the buffer stall thing, unless cleanup for the other stalls is too much work and then I just pick whatever is the least gross. I think the oddest thing I've recently encountered since moving to a new floor in my building - one of the seats will sometimes have fuzz on it. Like there's a muppet on my floor or something.

Every day when I get to work, the coffee will have done it's magic and I am barely in my seat before I have to go. At my office, there is a men's room, ladies room, and two handicap-designated bathrooms. I go into one of the latter, and I take my makeup case with me. This is because I am always in a hurry to get ready at home that I will forget to put on my makeup, so I take it to work. Ritual is to drop the load, flush, pee, wipe, flush again, use the air freshener kept in the bathroom for good measure (I am aware that my shit does stink), wash my hands, then put on my makeup and go back to my desk.

Included in the various anxiety dreams about forgetting my locker combination, not studying for finals, and being naked at school, I will also dream about entering public toilets without stalls. But it's not about other women seeing my vagina, rather about being in an unexpected vulnerable position. I was thinking about some of the military posts about stalls with no doors, etc. I suppose I would get used to it after awhile. If everyone is doing it and has the expectation that it is the norm, you adjust your mentality. It was for this reason that I was okay with a number of doctors, nurses, and interns sticking their hands up my vagina when I was in labor.

But if I were peeing in a gas station bathroom with faulty locks and someone walked in on me - the unexpectedness and the feeling of humiliation and vulnerability would make me freak the fuck out.

 

For me it is very simple. I do not use public restrooms, at all. Ever.

 

What I found amusing recently is that chicks, due to anatomy, don't actually care who sees them pee. One of my good friends got so drunk that I had to pick her up if she wanted to move from the couch to the bathroom and vice verse.

She seriously didn't give a shit about talking to me when she was pissing. It's not like I could see anything, and granted, she tried to make out with me later, but I felt that part of it was genuine uncaring...

 

I have no phobias about using public restrooms. If I have to go, I go. Don't talk to me, I won't talk to you, we'll do our business and go on our way.

One of my good female friends was telling me a story about being in the stall recently and having an obviously secure with herself, yet loud lady in the stall next to her. It was clear this lady was talking on her cell phone about her shit.

"HHhnnnnngggggg!! Dat shit alllll comin' out! I don't know but it huuurt! I don't know but I think it the corn! Hhhhnnnngggg!! Oh it hurt!"

My friend finished up and after she washed her hands, stopped at the door and said very loudly "YOU. Are. Disgusting!"

"Wha-...the fuck! Some white bitch just call me discustin'!"

We've used "dat shit all comin out" as a running joke for a while now.

 

Boot camp got rid of all my urinal worries. At this point, I observe urinal etiquette because violating it makes other people uncomfortable, not because of any inhibition on my part.

It's 4 in the morning. There are 80 recruits and 10 toilets (including urinals). Four of those toilets are taken up by guys who are shitting. The DI is quickly counting down from 200 (and if he reaches 0 and you're still pissing, he will YANK your still-pissing body away from the toilet). GO!

After a bit of initial shyness, no one really cared. It was three to a urinal, two to a toilet. Out in the field, we fit four in a Porta-Shitter; the first two in stood on the shelf beside the toilet, one guy stood to the right and pissed in the toilet as well, and the last (lucky) one used the urinal. The two on the bottom pissed with their faces about six inches from a cock. If the guy on the shelf twitched a little bit, the guy using the urinal was getting a golden shower. Either way, when your thirty seconds was up, the DIs would start yelling, slamming on the door, and rocking the entire Porta-Shitter back and forth (making things worse in the aim department). If that failed, he would open the door and start throwing people out so other guys could piss.

We joked about what the hell the females did, and as it turned out we were right; they would sorta hunch over and lean on each other, back to back, over the urinal. That's adaptation for you.

Toward the end, it started getting really gay; kids would take a shower, put their towel over their shoulder, and just walk to the bathroom and piss into the urinal with their hands on their hips, ass-naked. And they would be joined by other guys who would do the same thing, all while talking to each other. The (naked) guys taking a shit would look on and join in the conversation.

After getting home, it was like a Viking suddenly found himself in New York. Holy shit, people actually TAKE THEIR TIME taking a piss, and they give each other a urinal between them? That's a free urinal, man! Three more people could be relieving themselves right now! It was like a Kenyan watching people take full trays of food and throw them in the trash.

Nowadays, I don't have exactly 30 seconds to relieve my bladder, so I've managed to relearn urinal etiquette. But it's for other people's benefit, not my own. I couldn't care less.

 

Usually I can pull the sack up between my legs and the whole package will rest there comfortably without any trouble.

I will say though, most standard toilets - The oval shaped variety - are no trouble, but everyone once in a while I will run into one that is an extremely short, perfect circle type and those are the absolute worst. Not only are they uncomfortable to sit on, but it is all but guaranteed that you're gonna be brushing up against some porcelain.

 

I'll see if I can dig up the rules regarding etiquette my boss had shown me the other day. In the meantime enjoy this video

 

Bullshit, I use whatever urinal's free, I shit whenever there's a free toilet, and I could give less than a shit about what some clown I've never met thinks of my junk. It's a fucking penis! It serves several purposes and isn't anything to ashamed of or shy about.

It's small fry shit like this that distracts humans from the important things in life, like everything else.

Quick EDIT: This sounds a bit angry, but I assure you it's not.

 

What the fuck are these urinal dividers everyone is talking about?

In every public restroom I've ever used (I live in Melbourne) the urinal is pretty much just a wall-length slab of metal that seems to magically flush itself as soon as I finish pissing.

Fuckin' dividers, what the fuck?

 

When it comes to shitting in a public stall, I really don't have a problem with it, unless the toilet looks like an absolute disaster area...I'm going for it. However, when it comes to just a two stall bathroom, if there is someone else using one of the toilets, then I will wait for them to finish. Pooping next to another dude in that close of quarters is just terribly awkward for me.

The every other urinal rule also applies to me...but if it's a crowded bar and I have to piss badly enough then its a go. What I don't get is the dudes who go out of their way to shield themselves from the guy next to him while peeing. I witnessed this not too long ago, and the guy next to me was practically pissing sideways into his urinal with half his back turned to me. Laaammeee...

 

That happens to me too sometimes. It doesn't matter how badly you need to go, it's not going to happen. Then as soon as they leave your private pissing space... There we go.

Another thing, don't try to make fucking small talk. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait a minute.

I feel ashamed for both of us now.

 

The toilet paper in this country is akin to sanded wood bark.

All hail the bidet.

 

I have to pee in a toilet. The reason? Bubbles. You can't make bubbles in a urinal.