TiB's Public Bathroom Rituals

I like it when urinals have that little barrier between you and your urinal neighbor.



Who decided to put ice in urinals? Wouldn't that increase the smell of piss?

 

On another note, when I was in high school, I, without fail would have to take a shit every single morning before classes start. I always used the same bathroom in the same building because it was moderately private and usually kept clean. One day I walked in to see the entire place just beaten to shit.

The toilet seats were torn off. The dividers were ripped from the tile. Sinks and mirrors were broken. So naturally, being a public school, they chose not to repair it and basically left it as a place to just take a piss.

Being the clockwork shitter that I was, I needed a new solution. I went in search for a new throne.

At my wits end, I went into the special ed building. To my elation, there was the most perfect potty of all time. It wasn't outfitted for the handicapped so they couldn't use it. They had a separate facility in the building just for them. This being the special ed building, most people steered clear for fear of the unknown. They must have thought it would be like 28 days later inside.

I was in heaven again. I had all my privacy and no one was the wiser. Until those fucking vandals hit again and this time tore the fucking toilets from the floor. Jesus H why can't I just get a decent place to drop a deuce? Public school kids have feelings too.

 

I like to put them in my drink to get the alcohol that has been pissed out.

 

I sometimes suffer from stage fright at public urinals. It absolutely sucks. I stand around in a public toilet around other grown men with my dick in my hand for no reason. As soon as I admit defeat and put my dick away with what I'm sure is a huge look of shame across my face, I feel like I’m about to piss my pants.

I’m not sure how to fix it but sometimes counting or looking at the colours of the tiles works. Worst. Feeling. Ever.


I can shit anywhere, anytime, infront of anyone.

 

You can add me to the tally of those who take extra long shits at work. My job has been pretty boring lately, so it's pretty nice to get away from my desk where no one can bother me and play on my cell phone for awhile.

Also, and I am surprised no one has mentioned this before, but for me it is a rule of thumb to always take a look before you flush and if what you just pushed out is sufficiently impressive, you are required to snap a picture with your phone and text it to all of your buddies.

 

I worked at a Mexican Restaurant and they put ice in the urinals. I finally asked my boss why he does it. This was his explanation:

We serve mostly margaritas, which are alcohol and sugar. Lots of fucking sugar (note: I'd made their margaritas before, and he wasn't kidding. We mixed entire Gatorade coolers of Margaritas, and that included a bucket of sugar water). This means that a lot of guys who piss in here have really thick, nasty, dark yellow piss. If we don't put ice in here, that thick, nasty, dark yellow, sticky piss can gel in the urinal and we'd have to scrub the fuck out of it. Worst case scenario, it would clog the urinal. The ice waters the piss down, keeps it from staining or gelling, and makes our lives easier when we clean it later.

He went on to tell me that if I wanted to test his theory, that I could just not put ice in the urinals that night (it was half price margarita night). Needless to say, there was ice in the urinals when I worked.

So yeah, I'd never heard of someone's piss being so thick with alcohol and sugar that it clogs a toilet, but fuck if I was going to test that theory.

Focus:

I used to have a major phobia of public bathrooms. Now, I can piss in a public bathroom, but I only shit in major emergencies (which I've never had yet). If the bathroom is empty, or there are dividers between the urinals, I have no problem pissing. If it is completely packed, I'll grab a stall. If there aren't dividers, I'll tend to pick a urinal far from the door, towards a wall, and sort of angle myself slightly so that if some asshat does take the urinal directly next to me, I'll at least be facing away from them a bit. I'm sure I look like an insecure tool, but fuck it. I'd rather look like an insecure tool than have my bladder freeze up and piss my pants later.

The worst public bathroom I've ever been in was at Wrigley field. They have fucking troughs to piss in. I won't even stand next to someone at a urinal without a divider, let alone stand at a trough next to some dude. I went straight to a stall and didn't even think twice.

 

With you 100% on that one. I have crippling stage fright in the john, and I can actually trace it back to an event from early childhood. I was in one of those all in one schools (SMALL town) so it was K-12 and thus giants walked among us on a daily basis. I was in the head, taking one of those rancid bologna pisses thats darker than Lemon-Lime Gatorade, or at least about to. For some reason, my johnson decided to freeze up right when a couple high schoolers came in, and all that I could let loose were a few drops. Sure enough, "Uh Oh, looks like we got a TINKLER in here!" I've been traumatized for life, only under the best of circumstances can I pee in a urinal, and unless the stall is a fully enclosed fortress, or I'm out of anyone's earshot, I ain't peeing.

My darkest day was when I found myself in a seedy bar in a seedy part of town... in Bratislava (Eurotrip anyone?) and had to go after tanking about 4 liters of 14% beer... and find that the bathroom is just a 6x8 tile floor with a drain in the middle. There were at least a dozen guys shoulder to shoulder in a square formation shooting the hole. I had to check back a dozen times before the place was empty and I could start the stream (I can't stop going once I've started, it stays) before anyone walked in. You European fuckers really need to be less open with waving your dicks around in public.

 

I can see how it would water down the piss, but have you ever farted in the shower?

Evaporation is a bitch for your sense of smell.

 

My faculty building has separate handicapped bathrooms from male and female washrooms. Whenever I need to take a shit, I always go for the handicapped ones. All the privacy one could ever want.

 

I can't shit in a bar toilet because the toilet seats are usually covered in piss from assholes too lazy to lift the seat. Otherwise I'm good to shit most places. I used to hate shitting in public toilets, but I got a stomach bug while traveling once, and in a span of two days shit violently all over every public toilet in Jerusalem. At least twice at the wall. The little prayer note I squeezed into the wall said "Please let this stop."

Since then I've never had any qualms about getting down to business.

As far as bladder-shyness goes, I have no problems with large crowds. A piss at a stadium, with 50 urinals and 600 men in one bathroom is no problem at all. But a small bar bathroom with a lone urinal and one guy waiting behind me sometimes stops me up. Extra blockage if the guy does something weird. A month or so ago I was at a comedy show, peeing in just such a bathroom, and the guy in front of me finished peeing, and stood behind me as I peed after he washed his hands. That ended my flow.

 

Who here has had the luxury of pissing in one of these bad boys:

Spoiler

They are extremely rare these days, but track one of them down. You seriously havent had a satisfying piss until you have pissed in one of these things.

 

I used to be able to just hold it all day until I got home, but in my dotage I have gotten to the point where I occasionally have to take a dump at work.

The people who designed the buildings at my company were probably just off a contract to design prisons. There is nothing ergonomic about the buildings at all. There is one ginormous bathroom per floor with like a dozen crappers and two banks of 5 urinals.

I never use the bathroom on my floor to crap; I always go downstairs. It's less crowded down there (fewer offices). I never go between the witching hours of 12 and 3, because that's right after lunch and that's when the hundreds of old men at my company all rush in to take their massive elephant dumps. Since they are old, they can't fully digest their food and so it all comes out in kind of a curry.

I also make a beeline for the stall all the way at the end. For some reason, although that stall is not for handicapped or special in any way, it has a slightly different toilet paper dispenser in it that forces the cleaning staff to put regular toilet paper in there instead of the giant rolls of 1-ply that are in every other stall in the building. I take full advantage. It always amazes me that nobody else has noticed this; the stall is nearly always open.

Now a confession: whenever I go in, I crinkle the seat protector around to make it sound like I'm using one, but I don't actually use it. I wipe off the seat until it's clean and then I put my ass on it. I figure that any germs that can cause me problems via the skin of my thighs and ass aren't going to be stopped by anything. Those seat protector things are fucking useless. First, you have to like tear out a little hole in the middle of them. Second, you can't set them down before you plop your ass on the toilet, because the AI ass detector on the toilet auto-flushes and vacu-sucks it right down the toilet anyway. Third, unless you properly align the newly-made hole in the middle with your browneye, you will inevitably end up shitting a little on the paper, which is its own special kind of mess. Finally, once you've been on there for 10 minutes playing Angry Birds or reading TiB, it has surgically melded with your ass, and now you have to pick it off in little tiny bits. I will take my chances with your ass germs.

Every time I leave, there is always some guy in there doing his hair, or flossing, or brushing his teeth, or putting on makeup, or god knows what. I have no idea why anybody would spend more time than absolutely necessary in these giant industro-shit-consumption-factories of a bathroom that still stink of old man shit curry 4 hours after quittin' time, but to each his own, I guess.

 

FOCUS: I have every one of these beauties ever written, including the kid's ones, which are pretty damn interesting.



Aside from this I follow a pretty standard ritual. I shit and/or piss, wipe and/or shake, wash my hands and go about my day. I also giggle slightly when I fart while sitting on the can and it echoes a bit.

 

I don't know about the other guys that posted but I pretty much meant this even though it was shittily worded.

 

I have a weird phobia about urinals given to me by a Krav Maga instructor. I would always show up for class early and change in the stall after work. For some reason every time I was in there he would be pissing in the urinal. When I'd pass behind him he'd put his chin on his shoulder. Every. Time. So one day I asked "Dude, why do you chin to shoulder every time someone passes behind you?" He said that he wasn't about to get rear naked choked while he was pissing. No way. Not gonna happen.

So now every time I'm pissing, no matter where I am if I feel someone behind me I chin to shoulder. Fuck. That. And fuck you Steve for giving me my one bathroom phobia.

 

Yes, because I equate a satisfying piss with having yellow, pee stained shoes too.

 

I love those when they have a little fly sticker or an Osama Bin Ladin face sticker near the cake. They're usually placed so that you will aim at them with minimal splashback.