TiB's Public Bathroom Rituals

HA! I was in Chipotle drunk one time taking a piss and turned off the lights out of habit and thought nothing of it until about 10 minutes later when some guy comes out pissed as hell wanting to fight whoever turned off the lights. Apparently he was in the stall taking a dump.

I used to not be able to take dumps in public bathrooms but now I don't really care (except port-o-potties obviously). I will try and hold it off but when you gotta go you gotta go. If there are people in the bathroom when I go in I just wait until they leave, then its all systems go. If someone walks in after that's their problem. Bonus points for when people come in and comment on the aroma.

Urinals without dividers must have a one urinal separation, otherwise I wait or use a stall if open. Spit before peeing.

If someone is pooping and I walk in and I can tell they stopped because someone came in, I usually give them a little "Don't be ashamed man, let it go!"

 

If it is open, I will always use the handicap stall. Mainly because I need that bar to help me hover over the toilet seat. In the event that the handicap stall is taken, I will simply hover over the toilet as best I can. I can't even sit on the seat with toilet paper or a seat cover. It freaks me out.

For some reason, though, I have no issue with leaving the bathroom without washing my hands.

 

I will shit anywhere. After many days of no bathroom or Port-a-Shitter, you learn to embrace anyplace where you can shit without an audience or leaning against a tree. Try having 10 guys in a circle around you, looking outboard, and shitting into a bag. Not fun. After my second deployment to Iraq, all I wanted was to shit on a real toilet. Seven months of 150 degree heat in a Port-a-John will do that to you.

I have no etiquette other than if there is no wall between two urinals, I will attempt to at least space an empty one in between the other guy, and I will always piss outside if it is an option.

 

I spent a few years cleaning bathrooms in a retail establishment, and you're not even close. In the Men's room you might end up with a little urine on the floor, but that is about it.

In the women's it was not uncommon to find:

1) Urine on everything, I couldn't even imagine how they got it some places. Your fears of that toilet seat and subsequent hovering techniques apparently allow you to cause some sort of twisted back spray that is beyond my imagination.

2) Shit, also everywhere. It was not uncommon to find the toilet lid closed, and a steamy pile right on top. Why, I have no idea.

3) Used tampons everywhere but the proper receptacle that was conveniently provided right there in the stall.

4) Women apparently never flush in public. Even if they have to hover extra far above the seat because there is already poop over flowing the toilet.

 

My first job was at a local grocery market, and one of the responsibilities for the bag-boys was "rooms", which meant you had to clean both the employee and the customer bathrooms at the end of the night. I usually got stuck with that duty at least once a week. Maybe the same doesn't hold true in the public women's restrooms that you use, but at my grocery store, the ladies rooms were fucking disgusting.

It's hard to imagine that despite our industrial strength flushers, 75% of the toilet paper used by women typically ended up on the fucking floor. So did at least 3-4 tampons per day, even though we had bins clearly marked "TAMPONS" right on the side of the stall. There were usually shistains in the toilets, and the floor was almost always wet for some reason. That's not to say that the mens rooms didn't have the occasional turd on the floor, but the womens bathrooms were consistently nasty. One of the other baggers I worked with regularly advertised that whenever he had to do "rooms", he would always take a dump in the womens restroom, as if it were some sort of luxury. That dude was fucking crazy.

 

When we moved into our new building, we only had one woman working in the entire place. One civilian female amongst a bunch of alpha male Marines, her life sucked to say the least. She had her own restroom, and it was quite nice. She brought in good hand soap, bath mats, and the unit bought her the good toilet paper. OF course when we knew she wasn't there we used her restroom, but nothing was ever said about it. After 6 months or so, one of the douchebags in charge told us that we had to clean her restroom when we cleaned ours. We were just a little angry, and it became game on. I won't go into disgusting detail, but after an upper decker, she moved out of the building with the teams, and into a nice new office in the headquarters building.

It was wrong and immature, but we had to make our stand. At least we had good toilet paper for 6 months or so after she left.

 

Worst Public Restroom Experience Ever: When I was 16 I was dragged on family vacation to Niagara Falls. My Dad always made us leave for vacations at night so there was less people on the road. At around midnight I am about to piss myself and a half hour later we finally come to a rest stop in the middle of NY somewhere.

I run into the bathroom to nearest urinal. This is when I look over into the stalls and see 2 sets of feet pointed at each other in one stall. That's weird I thought as one of the guys steps out and my brain finally catches up. Now the guy walks over to the urinal next to me (only a couple feet away) and starts staring at my dick. You have never seen someone leave a bathroom more quickly.

Lesson: Don't go in bathrooms late at night in the middle of nowhere unless you want to see guys blowing each other in stalls or want your dick looked at.

 

I'll bet you're popular at parties.

 

Only if you were sitting on the throne while doing so.

 

I always wipe off the toilet seat and the little area where my junk hangs. Other than that, I sit and let it rip.

 

Spoken like someone who at least vaguely enjoys his job. When your job blows, you're always hovering just above a pile of shit.


I for one have no fear of the public bathroom unless there is visibly poop on the seat or something. Why? Because, ladies and gentleman, I am familiar with my butthole. I know that it is a horrible and harrowing thing. Whatever grossness that toilet seat has, odds are that there's something grosser going on inside my lower intestine.

I can fully second this. I worked at a Dunkin Donuts, and honestly, cleaning the women's bathroom was the low point of the day. there was always a 50-50 shot I wouldn't want to eat lunch that day if I had to do it. For exactly the reasons above. Especially #3; women apparently think the entire room is a tampon receptacle.

OK, maybe I just have an unimpressive johnson or something, but does this sentence confuse anyone else? What in the name of Peter North's tacklebox are you talking about?

 

I worked at high end antique stores for years, it is just as others have said how disgusting they are. Two instances stick out.

The first was when I was changing a garbage bag. I open the top and it looks like someone took a point blank shotgun blast right over it. Did the woman hold it under her leaking vagina, I was so disgusted I almost puked.

The second was at new store location where the mens and womens rooms were almost connected. I went into the mens room and it reeked of shit but I couldn't find anything. So I checked the womens room and almost left work because I knew I had to clean it. Covering the toilet, seat,walls, floor and everywhere else was liquid shit with some piles of solid shit. I actually had to pick up someones shit from the floor.

Women are disgusting, I never had to clean up anything except a couple drops of piss in the mens room.

 

I worked at a trap and skeet range when I was in high school. The owner of the range had a trailer park on the other end away from the gun ranges that mostly contained Haitians. From what I was told, in Haiti, the plumbing there is so bad that they cannot flush toilet paper so they throw all the dirty wads into a trash can next to the toilet. They were told when they moved into the trailer park that the communal bathroom on site IS able to flush toilet paper and that trash cans aren't necessary. They didn't care, and put small trash cans next to each toilet anyway.

The reason I tell you this is because the owner had the staff (us) clean these bathrooms every Saturday morning. In the middle of summer, there really is nothing worse than a brick bath house full of human shit. We had to go in there and empty the trash cans with nothing more than some rubber gloves. We were supposed to clean the place properly with bleach and mops and whatnot. Instead, we took the garden hose and just drenched the whole bathroom and walked out. No drying or anything. Fuck them. If those heathens can't follow directions or be clean, why should I?

 

I'd just like to state that as a woman, I have never taken a shit on the floor. Ever. Whoever is defacing all these restrooms you people are posting about have now given me a new complex about using any kind of public washroom. Thanks a lot you guys.

 

I worked at a drug store in college with a public bathroom and can confirm, the women's room was ALWAYS fucking disgusting.

 

Are women's rooms worse because they always take their kids in with them and the kids have monkey-like poop fights?

Or are women just disgusting?

 

Women are just disgusting. I can say that safely, because I am a woman.

Also, I know that girl who takes shits on the floor of public restrooms. I roomed with her in college and she insisted that someone sit outside the bathroom door and talk to her while she was shitting. I don't mean talk through the door, I mean sit in the door frame while she sits on the toilet and keep her company.

 

Maybe I was lucky, but I once worked as a rent-a-cop for an office building. The women's bathroom was always spotless. It even had a couch. Which I sat on to beat off. Doing your rounds at 5 in the morning on a Saturday is boring.

Anyway, I have a hard time crapping with people in the bathroom. Mostly because the people I speak to on a daily basis know I'm in there. Plus, I fart. Loud. Imagine hearing and smelling a paint-stripping fart and hearing what sounds like a fetus being dropped into a punchbowl. I like to think I have some respect for my fellow man, so I don't subject them to that.

Also, is anybody else here completely fucking grossed out when sitting on a still warm toilet seat? I feel like how I imagine I'd feel if a doctor told me I had AIDS.

 

I hate public bathrooms. I went through the whole of high school without taking a dump there. On the one occasion I hadn't timed myself to go when I was at home, I left and went back to my dad's work to do it. That being said, the school I went to was feral. The toilets were always vandalised. If there was toilet paper, it was always pissed on. Seats were ripped off. None of them ever flushed. That sort of thing.

I do use public facilities now, but I'm pedantic about them. I won't use a urinal unless there's no other option. That comes from a security training paranoia in that at least if I'm in a stall, there's a door between me and an attacker.

If I'm doing a shit, the first thing I do is check the floor for piss. Guys who can't/won't aim is common. I'll reel out some paper, use my shoe to wipe it across the floor and clean it up, then push the paper to the back of the toilet. The hell if I'm going to get urine on my pants when I pull them down (I can't shit with them over my knees).

If there's piss on the seat, I'm outta there anyway.

Then I cover the seat in paper, and lay some across the front to hang in a bit (for my ginormous junk). This is also a good way to check and make sure there is paper.