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TIB Parental Thread

Discussion in 'Permanent Threads' started by Dcc001, Apr 20, 2013.

  1. Currer Bell

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    My advice would vary a lot depending on the following:

    Are you and your boyfriend living together, long term? How long have you been together? Do they live with him full time or part with their mom? Is she even in the picture? What authority have you and your boyfriend agreed that you should have over his kids? (i.e., none, some with deference to his ultimate decision, just as much as his) Does he ever undermine whatever authority you do have over them?
     
  2. Danger Boy

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    Try telling them something like this:
    "No, I'm not your mother and I never will be. But I'm an adult who cares very much for your well being, and when you're in my presence I'm going to do what's best for you, whether you like it or not. So get used to it."

    Also, it wouldn't hurt if their father is there to take your side when you tell them this.
     
  3. Pussy Galore

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    We don't live together yet. We're currently house shopping. Their mom has primary physical custody, but is a disinterested parent (i.e., they're provided for, but she has little interest in spending time with them). I have nearly absolute authority; I can take things away or put them in time out or cancel fun things. I don't know if corporeal punishment is okay, but I've left spanking up to their dad, so it hasn't been an issue. He has never undermined me, nor has his mother, ex wife, or any other family member.

    I'm not concerned about what authority I'm granted by the existing adults in the girls' lives, I'm concerned about how his older daughter (and to a lesser extent, his younger) will feel about me going forward. No one has asked me to be a doormat, but I don't want this girl hating me before she hits puberty. One of my good friends became a stepmother when her stepdaughter was the same age as my boyfriend's daughter is now, and that girl has been... Difficult, to put it delicately. I'm not implying that all girls are the same, but I'm in uncharted (for me) territory, and after all the hatred my sister spewed at me for years over my "third parenting", I'm afraid of going through the same with the girls, especially if we (hopefully) get primary physical custody next year.
     
  4. Puffman

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    PG, I never was in the situation of having to help raise girls as a step parent. I did however get my stepson when he was four ( he is now 28 for reference). What helped me as much as anything was getting the chance to take him places as the sole parent. Movies, sporting events, quad riding for the weekend out of town, that type of thing really gave us a chance to bond. When he went through his teenage years he hated me, but no more than he hated everyone else at that age. I guess my suggestion is for you to have some time with the girls when it is just the three of you.

    It will work out fine. The girls are going to look for a mother figure in their life if they do not have one.
     
  5. WickedBitch

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    My eldest son started high school today! How could this happen?! I only graduated high school myself a couple of, half dozen maybe, not much more than a decade ago, alright fine, fuck! My 20 year reunion is in 2014. I'm still cool though! I can blend in with a group of 20-somethings just like I'm one of them! They think I'm awesome because dammit, I am!!! Why are you all laughing, you boring bunch of squares?! I'm the coolest thing to happen to these kids in this generation and they all love meeeeeeee!

    Yeah, we'll get neighborhood CoD tournaments going on or a bunch of the teen boys in the neighborhood will hang out in here on a Saturday afternoon to watch me beat certain games or just to watch me pubstomp some Team Deathmatch but other than that, I'm old and boring. I frequently insist on Friday nights that I'm going to go out with the girls, get shitfaced and Miley-Cyrus my ass up in some dude's grill but usually I'll just take whatever legally prescribed medication will render my brain useless in the least amount of time and play Call of Duty until I'm drooling on myself and getting caught up on door jambs.

    Still though - fucking HIGH SCHOOL?! Really?! I'm still young enough to have a toddler for fucks sake! I have so many fertile years left, I got my tubes tied back in March. FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL.
     
  6. dieformetal

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    Hey guys, I figured I'd resurrect this thread to see if I can get any advice about something, because I'm starting to run out of ideas...

    It's become extremely difficult to get my daughter (3 years old) to go to bed. She either be very loud in her bedroom or will run out of the bedroom altogether. I've tried being nice, I've tried talking to her, I've tried telling her, and I've taken privileges away but nothing seems to work. She'll promise to be good all day but when its time to go to bed that goes out the window.

    I think part of this is because of my ex's situation: Long story short, she has a 1.5-month old that I have nothing to do with, and my daughter is with her mother roughly 5 days out of every 14. But to be honest, this had started before that, it just wasn't anywhere near as bad. I have to do something about this because the most important test of my life is coming up in 6 weeks and I have to be ready.


    Oh, and apologies in advance for knocking the Glorious Booty Thread to the second page.
     
  7. Puffman

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    I will give this a shot Die. Years ago, a boss of mine had his kids visit the office that were about 3 years old. The kids were running up and down the halls causing quite the racket, so I asked him about that. He replied "every minute running is 3 minutes sleep". First thing I did was to make sure every night was on the same schedule. I would have an hour of hard play about an hour and half before bed. Then go to a nice warm bath, a somewhat healthy snack then off to bed for 30 minutes of reading to them. It will take awhile and you may have to pretend to go to bed at the same time but she will get used to it. No TV after the hard play. That shit just hypes them up. Good luck
     
  8. D26

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    We're actually trying to get my daughter (little over 2) to sleep in a toddler bed. She'll sleep great for nap time, but bed time rolls around and she refuses to go to sleep, so it's back in the crib. Mind you, we've only tried a couple of nights, so I'm not too surprised, but after she napped perfectly in her toddler bed today I had high hopes she'd sleep in it, too. No such luck.

    Part of it is impatience on my wife's part. She won't leave the room until my kid is in the bed, but my kid takes it as a cue to play. After 20 minutes I finally had to just put the kid in the bed and say "good night!" then all but shove my wife out the door. By then the kid was all kinds of wound up.

    THEN we hear a loud thump. Turns out she just kicked the wall, but she also pooped in her diaper. She is smart enough to know we have to change her, and smart enough to hold it until bed time if she doesn't want to go to sleep, but too stubborn to use the toilet yet (this has been a pattern for months, actually).

    So we change her, and the next two hours is her repeatedly kicking the wall, because that was what got our attention the first time. This time, it was almost midnight, so I just put her in her crib, and she cried for about 20 minutes before passing out. She WANTED to sleep in her toddler bed, but was too stimulated by the idea of being free to run around her room, so she couldn't sleep. I told her she was being a bad girl and couldn't use her toddler bed tonight, and we would try again tomorrow.

    Tomorrow I'm removing the crib from her room, and buying some ear plugs. Going to have to tough it out, and pray she doesn't kick a hole in the wall.

    We put a gate up so if she leaves her room she can only get to our room or the bathroom, and the bathroom has everything dangerous locked up tight, so I'm not worried about her hurting herself. She IS, however, completely capable of playing in her room for hours and keeping herself entertained, without sleep, and her staying up until 4 am does concern me. This will be a long few weeks, any advice?

    The only advice I got was from my brother who just said "have a kid who can sleep through hurricane, then wait until they fall asleep and throw them in bed. Problem solved." It is worth noting his kids have never "gone to bed." They always watch movies until they fall asleep on the couch, then my brother or sister in law put them in bed. Needless to say, this won't fly in our house, so it wasn't much help.
     
  9. Nettdata

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    Kids aren't stupid.

    Don't change her, and she'll catch on pretty damn quick.
     
  10. xrayvision

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    Child proceeds to extract feces from diaper and draw pictures on the wall.

    Your move.
     
  11. Nettdata

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    Eliminate child, create new one.
     
  12. scootah

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    This thread gives me flashbacks to the John Oliver bit about putting a dingo in charge of childcare.
     
  13. Nettdata

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    What. I'm a practitioner of continuous iterarive testing.

    Is that so wrong?
     
  14. miss_c

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    Re: bed time.

    Super-nanny her. If she comes out of bed, pick her up, say it's time for bed and put her back in. No emotion, no yelling, no anything. Go about your normal activities. If she does it again, same thing "it's time for bed" and put her back in. Give that a couple of goes and if she persists, stop the talking altogether and just put her back in.

    If she's in bed yelling and carrying on, ignore her (unless she is screaming hysterically). She is in bed, call it a win, she will go to sleep eventually.

    Plan on doing this for about a week for it to really sink in.

    My daughter (2 now) is an awesome sleeper. But until she was 14 months old I rocked her to sleep every night. Eventually hugging and rocking a 12kg child gets tiresome. Even though she was and is still in her crib, we (ok, I, my husband cracks the shits after 5 mins) had to do the "time for sleep" business. The first night took an hour before I rocked her. Second night was 20 mins and the third night was 5.

    Good luck!
     
  15. Revengeofthenerds

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    Push ups.

    Push ups never fail.
     
  16. shimmered

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    I agree with super-nannying her.
    It's bedtime. Go to bed. Here is your bedtime routine. This is all you get.

    It takes a week or two, but it gets there. And good on you removing the crib. That'll definitely help.
     
  17. TheFarSide

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    I cannot agree more with the super nanny process. I had to follow the process for about five days, after that it was gravy. Also, I cannot stress this enough, schedule. Every night, weekends too, have her in bed at the same time, not five minutes later, the exact same time. I know that things come up, but trust me, it has made my life as a single father of a four year old easy. My schedule for my daughter at bedtime

    Pajamas
    Brushes her teeth
    Sip of water
    Last trip to the bathroom
    One book
    One song laying beside her
    One song from the door
    Good night
    Bourbon (for me)

    It's the same every single night.