Since more than a few board members want this, I thought we could do this. We have board members with sisters who get internet-nekkid, members who bang their stepsisters, mothers who are off-their-shit lunatics, dads that are hilariously clueless, perverted uncles who like dry-humping the bridemaids to Strokin' at weddings and then there's Bigsmall McPersonstuff's clan of Huh? for us to talk about.... and we DO want to hear more, but what about the REST of you? Focus: Crazy family members and the stand-out stories that justifies your accusations. Feel free to talk about yourself if you're the black sheep (like me).
Oh boy... I have family, on my Dad's side, who have lived in Gettysburg, PA for generations--most likely to continue their legacy of being the best at banging local cattle (though this is unconfirmed). Gettysburg, for those who haven't visited this thriving little dell, would be kind of charming if it wasn't the most boring place ever. There are historical spots of interest, but for the most part it's a bunch of hicks staring at one another blankly. If you want to experience the joys the place has to offer, go find a field, locate a pile of cow shit, sit in it, and punch yourself in the balls every 10 minutes. When I was 16, my father's aunt and his mother decided to round up everyone for a good 'ole fashioned family reunion. "A rootin', tootin', hootenanny of a hoedown if there ever was one" is I'm sure how they had it billed, were they able to spell any of those words even phonetically. The event was to be held in a prestigious location--my father's uncle's garage, complete with oil soaked carpets on the floor. Swanky. Since this was the first and last time I would probably ever see the majority of these people, I was forced to go. As we drove through the towns that hadn't escaped the depression, my father regaled us with the story of how my grandparents met, and how my grandfather was forced to drag my grandmother across the Maryland state line into Pennsylvania so he could marry her when she was 15. How romantic and statutory. We arrived early--yay!--and so I was put in charge of sulking while my mom helped peel potatoes and my sister played with dolls or something. As guests started arriving, each one of them looked more and more like Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and talked the part as well. Soon the garage was filled with all sorts of folk milling about and the introductions began, along with the same vapid conversation at every meeting. Eventually, my father's Uncle Junior came up to me. Without even a hello, he proceeded to say "How do you keep niggers out of yer back yard?" "What?...." "Ya hang 'em in the front yard! HAHAHA" Those were the first words the man had ever said to me. I swear that if he had cap guns in holsters on his hips, he would've shot them in the air. My mom pulled me aside and told me not to listen to him. I watched as he went to say hi to every other person in the garage, telling that same joke at every opportunity. The time came for food to be served and I was asked by my father's aunt--a really nice woman, actually--to go back into the bedroom and get my grandfather...and Junior. As I went back into the room, I noticed they were watching porn on HBO. Junior looked up at me and said, "We're just waitin' for the tits!" Lovely. You wait for them. I grab my food from the buffet line and position myself as far away from my "relatives" as possible. As I'm eating, I can feel that I'm being watched, so I glance up to see what looks like a girl around my age, very goth, with black hair and a Slipknot tank top. I looked back down at my food. I looked up again and she winked at me. I looked back down at my food. I looked up a third time and she licked her lips, pulled down her tank top to show me her fetid nipple, and winked again. No more food, thanks. I threw out my plate and went to go outside to get some (hot, humid, cow shit-stench) air, when my grandfather stopped me and asked what was wrong. "Some distant cousin over there just flashed me her nipple. I'm leaving." "Hey, anything beyond firsts is safe. Go for it!" he advised. I opened the windows in the car and slept the rest of the time until we left that horrible place. It was like one big Jeff Foxworthy joke rolled into 6 hours of my life. On another note, my father's uncle (the one married to his nice aunt) is (was?) a raging alcoholic. After his doctor told him that his liver was so fucked he couldn't drink anymore, his wife took every bottle out of the house. Except she couldn't figure out why, weeks later, they were going through Listerine so fast...
There's no one incident that can explain how absurd my family is, so I'll just give a list of reasons: My great-great grandmother was arrested for running a speakeasy during prohibition. My great-grandmother was born in prison. My uncle got married when he was 19 because of a pregnancy. Both my aunt and my uncle spent the next 20 years cheating on each other. My aunt tried to sleep with my father (her husband's brother) and my uncle slept with his daughter's friends in the back of his mid-life crisis mobile. Last year, they got divorced and my uncle filled the house with Pomeranian/Yorkie puppies. At the peak of his depression, he had 13 dogs (the Yorkie, the Pomeranian, and two litters of puppies.) He is now down to 5 dogs and my aunt is thinking of going back to him if he gets rid of two more dogs. This couple has three children. The oldest daughter is incapable of being single. She bought a house with her boyfriend and then broke up with him and moved out. Two days later, she had a new boyfriend and bought another house. Now she's engaged to the new guy. They're getting married later this year. Their middle child was in rehab three times before he turned 21. He is a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict. He is currently on house arrest because he failed three consecutive drug tests. Despite this, he insists that he is not an addict. The youngest child in this family has been hospitalized a number of times for cutting and trying to commit suicide. She got kicked out of college because she couldn't pass any of her classes. She currently works at a convenient mart and lives with her boyfriend who is on house arrest for auto theft and possession. I have another cousin who converted to Mormonism because the guys who came to the door were cute. She is currently unemployed because the anti-depressants she was on gave her seizures. She has been committed to the psych ward of our local hospital twice. Both of these times were because of suicide threats that everyone in the family knows she will never go through with, but that each new boyfriend she gets aren't used to. For some reason, she only abides by the Mormon diet when it is inconvenient for other people. We can only go to coffee shops that sell a specific type of chai tea, but she drinks every time she is at my house. She also can't hold her liquor because of the medication she is on. This is OK though, because she doesn't drive. She expects everyone to drop whatever they are doing and drive her ass wherever she wants to go. If you say no, she asks why you hate her so much. There is also my cousin who I talked about in the Thanksgiving thread. She's 18, pregnant from a guy who is 28, has been hospitalized on three separate occasions from drug-related injuries, and dropped out of high school when she was 16. She has a 15 year old sister who is on the exact same track except she goes to high school online because she couldn't handle going to school AND getting high every day. She is currently flunking out of online high school.
One time last year, while I was visiting home, I saw a pile of papers and photos and things on my desk that my dad had found that were all related to my mom in some way. Included in that pile was my uncle's eulogy for my grandfather (who died when I was five). It was twenty-two pages long. I sat down to read it and learned the following things: -my great-grandfather abandoned his family in Ukraine, promising to send for them, but ended up remarrying shortly afterwards. They died of starvation under Stalin. -My great-grandfather and this new woman had one son before my grandfather, who had epilepsy. But they thought he was possessed by the devil, and he was sent to an asylum where he died shortly afterwards from poor treatment -It was somehow revealed in their new town (in Minersville, PA) that my great-grandfather's new family were all illegitimate, and they were publicly denied Communion, which was apparently a very big deal. On the walk home from Church, my grandfather had a tantrum, and my great-grandfather flew into a rage, stormed off, and never spoke to his family again. He became the groundskeeper for the Church, attempting to repent for his sins, and even though my grandfather would walk past him every day on the way to and from school, he never acknowledged any of them. My great-grandmother blamed my grandfather for this, and barely spoke to him again. -They lost everything in the Great Depression, and my grandfather ran away. My grandfather's life sounded pretty normal, and even impressive (he was a fighter pilot in WWII and was recruited for a few baseball teams - including the Yankees - but turned them down to be an engineer) but apparently he was kind of an ass to his children. We quickly lost touch with my mom's side of the family after she died, but I had always had the impression that they were a bit nuts, and the more and more I learn about them, the more this turns out to be true. The uncle who wrote the 22 page eulogy that just had to bring up Stalin had lived with us for a year or two while my mom was sick but, instead of living in an extra room, he built a campsite complete with teepee in the woods behind our house and lived there. He has about 10 children from 8 different women - I keep getting friend requests on Facebook and realizing that they're a cousin that I barely remember or never met. He showed up to my dad's second wedding with his pregnant mail-order bride that none of us had heard of - great timing to break the news. (Last I heard she went to visit home and legally hasn't been able to get back into the country for the past few years.) I think I only know the bare minimum of my uncle's craziness - my dad keeps alluding to bigger things, but that's about all I know. I was close with one cousin, who I reconnected with through the power of social media a few years ago. After we started talking, she casually slipped in "oh and p.s your aunt died a few months ago. She was in jail at the time, for prostitution and heroin possession." Fun. I had had absolutely no idea that this was even a possibility, but after learning this, it dawned on me that the "adult sleepaway camps" I used to visit her in were rehabs. It also made sense why my dad had been so weird that one time when we showed up at my uncle's house, who had said he could watch me while my dad was away on business, only to find that he was chasing my cousin across the country because she had stolen a car and was threatening to elope with her much older ex-con boyfriend, and was leaving me in my aunt's care instead. My mom was pretty normal, as much as I can tell. So was my other uncle. My dad's side of the family also isn't too crazy, except for the run-of-the-mill Neurotic Jewish New Yorkerness of them all. But, it is also a much smaller family and the stories can't be traced back too far - my great-grandparents left The Old Country because it was bad there, and they're never going to talk about it again, so stop asking. The one black sheep of the family was my cousin, who had been whispered about for most of my life. All I knew was that he dropped out of college and ran away to Vegas with his (shiksa) girlfriend and cut off communication with his family, until my grandparents died and he came back around to claim his inheritance. I had always had this James Dean-like image of him riding across the desert on a motorcycle with a leather jacket. But then I finally met him a few years ago and he was just SUCH a dorky Jewish stereotype - like practically an anti-Semitic caricature of one, and it was the biggest disappointment of my life. Actually, my dad and I are probably considered the real black sheep of that family, but it's not because we do crazy/weird/sad things (I swear) it's just that crazy/weird/sad things always happen to us.
Other than my nutty mother, whom I've written about before, the family has a few characters. My father's aunt was disowned by the family for nearly 40 years after being caught going through people's coat pockets during a family gathering. My 350 pound cousin, who is mysteriously always tired, and has sleep apnea. I think his tonsils are fat. My cousin, currently in prison in New England for multiple parole violations. My mother's cousin. A nun. Who can drink most folks under the table - but she's a helluva good time at family gatherings.
-Have a first cousin that plays in the NFL for the Steelers. -Another cousin that was arrested for hitting neighborhood cats in the head with a hammer. -An uncle who was murdered in a bar after being mistaken for a cop. -Grandmas cousins family runs the Fiat car company. -(Likely) future father-in-law that spent 8 years in prison for organized crime and racketeering.
Maybe not as crazy as some families but still blows my mind all these years later: Uncle A and Aunt B are my Dad's siblings. One day Spouse A and Spouse B after many years of being brother and sister in law decide they want to explore even closer relations, and announce this to my aunt and uncle over dinner one night. Years later they are still together, in the house high in the hill my uncle busted his balls to build and perfect only to lose in the divorce. It wasnt exactly a friendly divorce proceeding either, dragging out for what seemed an eternity. The now estranged spouses each had their own kids from ther marriages to my aunt and uncle as it was, and I have often wondered if they are now known as "Uncle Dad" and "Aunt Mom" by my cousin. Like I said, maybe not as weird as some, but at the time seemed seriously fucked up.
One of my mom's brothers (dead before I was born) married into crazy. When that uncle died the wife tried wringing my grandfather for money, spreading rumors at his Masonic Lodge that he let the whole family get kicked out of their house, when he actually augmented his son's income for years. When that didn't work she had her daughters claim gramps was abusive towards them. One of the daughters (my cousin, bleck) is bi-polar as hell. Unmedicated. Works at the VA as a nurse; somehow. Imagine that fucking combo. At my mom's sister's funeral she suggested we should take photos of the corpse and the flowers because they looked so nice together. Had her child taken away. Woman regularly goes into manic states and disappears. Also has a noticeable dent in her forehead because one of her miserable sisters clunked her between the eyes with a shovel. The other daughter has some of the same issues, but holds down a husband and family. She also is a religious nut and bakes Jesus Christ a birthday cake every Christmas, forcing her kids to sing "Happy Birthday." To Jesus. I haven't spoken to these people in years. Nor do I consider them family at all. The only reason I ever met them is because the above aunt died. Those two nutters give off a weird vibration, the air around them is electric, disturbed. They make everyone anxious. There's a third sister who lucked out just being white trash. The lesson here is you can fuck crazy, but by God don't marry it. She'll breed, you'll die.
I'm the only one of six children who was on purpose. After my younger brother, my father had a vasectomy. I like to think that's a pretty good trump card.
Well I guess I will start with some of the tame stuff. My uncle is the illegitimate son of a Catholic priest. My Aunt is in numerous psychological journals as a case study. For almost 10 years running somebody has popped up at family gatherings claiming to be a part of my family because of the numerous children my mother and her siblings have given up for adoption. My uncle only refers to his oldest daughter as That Bitch. To be fair its a pretty apt description. My aunt once gave my uncle a blow job for five bucks so she could go see a movie when they were both in their teens. My mother to this day is in love with the man who molested my little sister. He got deported quite a few years back. And they kept in touch for quite a while. Mostly so he could ask her for money which she would happily send him. Eventually he stopped responding to her which is the only reason they do not have a long distance thing going still. My mother is so fucking deluded that she doesn't get why I told her in no uncertain terms that if I laid eyes on him again I would torture him for the entire day it would take for my dad to fly out and have the honor of killing him. She doesn't understand my hatred for this guy af all. She thinks he's a good person who just made a mistake. Just so there is no misunderstanding I am talking about the guy that molested her daughter. Had he not been arrested and subsequently deported they would still be together to this day if she had her way.
My grandfather was a moonshining polygamist truck driver who fathered children with three of four wives at the same time. Hell. For all I know he got all four of them pregnant. But for sure at least three of them. My uncle is a fucking pedophile. My parents are step siblings, but my maternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother married AFTER my parents married. Whatever. They were still married when my grandfather passed, so..yay no branches? One brother is a fairly devout atheist. The other is a fairly devout Christian. My mother is a Southern Baptist. I'm most closely identified as agnostic, and The Husband is Jewish. My aunt had an affair, and her ex-lover broke into her house and shot my uncle with a 12g. Yay gutshot and a month in the hospital. They're still married though. Such is the power of forgiveness I suppose. I don't have any racists in my family really, nothing like that. Oh. My sister-in-law is Mormon.
I'm unbelievably white trash, so I have some pretty good ones. My dad and his brother hooked up with my mom and her sister and each had kids. Before that though it was opposite. My dad dated my aunt and my uncle dated my mom. The timeline is pretty questionable and there's a solid chance that my uncle is actually my dad. Speaking of my dad, he was pretty high up in a local outlaw motorcycle club for a few years (it mostly fizzled out when all the members went to prison and/or died). He tells a funny story about watching the OJ Bronco chase live while he was in prison and trying to find makeshift weapons in case it all went to hell and the inmates rioted. He's also pretty candid about how much he enjoyed crystal meth "back when it was still good". In the early days of the club, he got stupid high and went to a cock fight (roosters you perverts). It was supposed to be rigged in favor of the club and to some degree it was---they loaded their rooster with cocaine and sent it out to fight. According to my dad, it screamed once and fell over, dead of a heart attack. Back when my parents were still together, they would get into some crazy fights. They got into it one night and my mom took off in the car, making sure to run into my dad's motorcycle as she went. He was so pissed all he could think to do was ruin her flowerbeds. He plucked every single flower out of the dirt and ripped them to bits. Later that night, he got my uncle to drive him around looking for her. They saw her car in the bar parking lot and stole it. But that wasn't enough for my dad, so he spent the rest of the night fucking it up, then he parked it back at the bar and acted like he'd never been there. And a story that I've told on here before: Spoiler A few years ago, my family attended my cousin's wedding. The wedding was held in a clubhouse that was in front of a trailer park where several of my family members lived. I was maybe 14 or 15 at the time and had just realized the joys of alcohol. I was drunk off my ass and went outside where most of the guys in my family were hanging out. The groom started calling my dad a pussy, which didn't go over so well. My dad walked calmly over to me, handed me his beer and cigarettes then proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit out of the groom. Eventually, my uncles pulled him off, but then some of the groom's family came out to see what was going on and suddenly, it was a full blown brawl. Finally, someone called the cops, prompting various members of my family to run into the trailer park to hide. After the cops left, my then 17 year old brother and I had to search the trailer park to find my dad, who'd crawled into someone's shed and passed out. When he woke up the next day, he didn't remember a goddamn thing and we haven't spoken to that side of the family since. That's just my dad, I've also got a career criminal brother and 4 crazy aunts.
Aside from my mom, who is a raging, senile pill popper, and alcoholic (if she has any grasp on reality is extremely thin). I've seen things fairly recently that I wish I could forget. But on a nightly basis, when I'm home, I'll find her passed out, sitting upright on her couch at 8:00pm, two hours later she'll wake up come down say some crazy insane shit, go back upstairs. Visiting her in rehab was real fun. No one should have to visit their mom in rehab, and know that its only a social call for her because she doesn't think she did anything wrong but my dad has the cash to send her there and get her out of his space for 2 months. She hasn't had a job for 20 years, and doesn't buy Christmas presents, even for my dad. She's under the illusion shes some rich, super classy older woman despite the fact she shops at Koles. Aside from the unfortunate fact my twin brother and sister both got cancer in their 20's, my immediate family doesn't hold a candle to most people on here. My extended family has all the flavor. On my dads side, one of his brothers bleed to death through his throat. He was a raging, abusive hardcore alcoholic. My other uncle is a chronic womanizer but all in all good guy. And his last brother had a tbi and has been weird ever since, like Gary Busey weird. My mom's sister has done every drug under the sun and his currently married to a hardcore alcoholic who is mentally abusive. Their son is well on his way to being a career criminal. Her brother is extremely gay and a fem. He use to be a drag queen and also once told me and my brother when we were 16 he could get us clean hookers in New Orleans. Her other brother committed suicide in '84, the year before I was born. Apparently him and my brother and I look eerily similar. I haven't seen a photo of him, I'd rather not know. So tame compared to most, but my mom really is the winner of the group. I challenge anyone to be around her for a week and not want to kill her. She is single handedly the most annoying person in the world, and not in the mom sense, you just have to experience it.
Ooh wow, my family is boring. There are just a few little blips on my mom's side of the family. My mom had an alcoholic schizophrenic mother, who essentially left her kids to raise each other. She started sending my mom to buy her booze and cigarettes before she was in middle school. Her dad remarried, and his second wife was a totally different breed of crazy. She did things like chase my Grandpa around with knives and punch my mom in the face. On a lighter note, my cousin (the black sheep of our generation) started providing me with alcohol when I was 13, weed when I was 14, and cocaine when I was 16. Then I bailed him out of jail with my high school graduation money shortly before he turned 30. You can do the math.
Besides my dad's divorce when he was in law school that he hid from my brother and I until I stumbled upon documentation a few years ago, my immediate family is extremely tame and boring. The extended family is a little more interesting but still don't hold a candle to what I've seen on here so far. My uncle has some neurological disorder going on that his immediate family refuses to acknowledge or talk about. My guess is it's Parkinsons. He is a functioning alcoholic and worsens his condition by drinking himself into oblivion. Two of his kids are currently following his path to alcoholism. My grandfather died of cirrhosis. He was admitted to rehab no less than 13 times. One thanksgiving he fell getting out of his truck after drinking nearly a handle of gin and smashed his face into an unrecognizable mess. My grandmother and he were old school catholics that refused to get divorced. That is until they separated and got back together and then he cheated on her with his employer (he was her handyman in more ways than one). He spent extended time in jail for DUIs near the end of his life. A few months before he died he began drinking listerine like water. Another one of my uncles is a compulsive liar, alcoholic, and gambling addict. While living with my other uncle and aunt he pawned their tools, stereo, and tv for gambling money. He left only a note saying what he had done and left in the middle of the night and moved to Iowa. After that, we went years without seeing him. He's currently taking care of his 350+ lb. ex-girlfriend who lost a leg due to a flesh eating virus and has taken a leave of absence from work. Who knows if he will go back.
We really do need to do this bracket style. Fucked up shit keeps popping into my head now that I think about it. But I don't want to clutter up the thread to much. Hell my aunt (the one I mentioned as being a case study) would probably take me through the first round or two by herself. Also it is nice to know my family is not as completely fucked as I have always thought. You idiots have survived your own fair share of crazy.