Things women want and the things men think women want.

Full disclosure: In my line of work being a good communicator is really fucking important. I am where I am at my young age because I can communicate well between the PhDs who don't want to stick their head out their labs and the management that doesn't want to venture into the lab. That said I used to be a shitty communicator, this shit like anything requires learning and practicing. I urge everyone to evolve as it makes it way easier to get what you want out of your job, relationship, etc.

 

That sounds like a trust issue. If one can't share everything with their soulmate, what's the point?

More like 110/110. I married high tolerance/low maintenance, but even high tolerance has its limits.

 

I am fairly experienced with the "nothing" game. I was a 2 year veteran, playing at least once a week. I have to ask, other guys of the board, what is it that makes you continue pressing the issue after the first "nothing"? I ask, because I still can't answer that question for myself. I do not know why I used to do that.

The current girlfriend, going on 2 and a half years now, did it once at the start of our relationship. Rather than press the issue, I was hit with what I can only describe as momentary enlightenment. I responded to "nothing" with "I'll take your word for it. If you change your mind and want to get something off your chest, I'm more than willing to listen". I stopped there and let the rest of the night of hanging out continue.

When I saw her the next day, she told me what had been bothering her, now that she was no longer noticeably distraught. Later in the evening she jokingly called me out on not winning "boyfriend of the year" award by not "caring" what was wrong when I didn't press it further. I said I knew if she wanted to talk about it that night she would have, and didn't think it was worth manipulating the answer out of her.

Since then, her response to being asked what is wrong is either "I'll tell you later. I don't feel like talking about it now" or to tell me what is wrong if she does feel like it. It is far easier this way. I still have no idea why in other relationships I always insisted on pressing the issue.

 

When I would get the "nothing" response it was always because she was pissed at me. So I would just act like nothing was actually wrong. It would piss her the fuck off and eventually she quit doing the "nothing" bullshit. It worked better to just hash it out right away and not play the I-want-to-tell-you-what's-wrong-but-I-would-rather-ruin-a-good-night-while-you-figure-it-out-for-yourself game. At least it was less frustrating for me.

Her: *being all pissy*
Me: What's wrong?
Her: Nothing.
Me: Awesome. Let's go to the bathroom and I'll fuck your ass in the shower!
(I never actually did this or anything like it)

We're no longer together.

As for the focus, I honestly don't know what you women want. My relationships don't last long enough for me to figure you gals out, probably because it's a fucking chore to figure you gals out. Obviously men and women communicate different. Neither one is right or wrong in their own respect, but when you try to mesh those styles, it's a complete disaster and you end up with a shit storm. I can't tell you how many times a girl told me something without actually telling me that thing. Then I got in trouble because I didn't know that something she told me. Then I explain that she didn't tell me that something. She explains that she did tell me that something, citing some obscure comment.

Ohhhhhhhhh. Excuse me all to hell for not knowing that "Just got done talking to my mom. She just left that new Mexican restaurant." (while I am focused on a video game/book/movie/whatever) meant "You better take me to that Mexican restaurant in the next 2 weeks or I'll be pissed because it'll prove that you're a heartless asshole who doesn't care about my feelings". I love you ladies, but seriously, that's just not cool at all.

 

Despite a failed marriage and almost two decades of stumbling my way through adulthood, I figure I still got a ways to go in figuring out relationships. I'm about to embark on my second marriage, and it seems like despite our gender differences, a lot of our wants/needs are interchangeable.

-Respect each other and don't judge. That one's huge for both of us.
-Consideration for each other's preferences, hangups, needs.
-Patience when the other is not in a good place.
-Some things we have in common that we can geek out about together.
-Some things we are into separately that we can retreat to our separate caves to enjoy without the other one feeling abandoned.
-Understanding of each other's priorities (we both have kids from previous marriages)
-Never expect the other will magically know what you want. SAY what you want and compromise if the other doesn't want the same thing.

 

I don't. I take the reply at face value. If a woman says nothing is wrong, then i assume that is the case. Which is why I've ended several relationships with women who gave me a "nothing answer, and married one who doesn't play bullshit games.

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh, excuse me. You were serious? Oh. Okay.


Right. Well, due to my rampant promiscuity, I feel like I have a lot of experience with the penis-bearing sex. I've also trapped many unfortunate men into long-term relationships with me, so....dude! I totally know EXACTLY what you're talking about! It's like, when I'm in close contact with a limited number of the opposite sex, I totally become one of them and have the power to accurately pontificate on their issues.

Or, you know, that could be complete bullshit.

EDIT: This "nothing" game is odd. I thoroughly enjoy airing my feelings...it makes me feel less repressed. But my ex-boyfriend played this game too, so I figured out how to deal with it. If he/she says "nothing" then take him/her at his/her word. If he/she tries to "punish" you for not "knowing" later, calmly explain ONCE that you aren't a mind reader. Henceforth, if he/she needs to emote verbally he/she must do so after the first query. After that, the onus of unburdening is on him/her.

 

Agreed, except for the marriage part. I am very glad my girl doesn't play that game, it is truly maddening. Of course, I'm dating another hard science graduate student. We're both emotionally blunted nerds with coarse communication styles.

If two people communicate differently, it takes work. Usually, men are more blunt and straightforward than women, because we communicate with our friends, including female friends, that way. So, both parties have to decide if the relationship is worth learning and accepting a different communication method. Guys, learn how to handle the "nothing" or find someone who doesn't do it. Gals, either learn not to do it or find someone who can deal with it.

From my experience, both sexes say they want someone with a good sense of humor. What they really mean, "I want someone with MY sense of humor." There isn't anything wrong with it, but damn, would it be a lot easier for everyone if we'd all admit it.

Of course, 90%+ of the population can't do any of this. They're also the reason otherwise sensible people can argue on a messageboard for days about this shit.

 

I agree with most of the men here - the "nothing" game is complete bullshit. If I want to tell my boyfriend that I'm pissed off/upset about something, then I will tell him. Sometimes it takes a few drinks to loosen my tongue, but I don't play that "nothing" game with him. I admit, I've done it a few times in the past and it just annoys him and I know it would piss me off if he did it with me, so I cut that shit out. I also have no problem telling him at the start if I want his advice or if I just want to bitch and moan about my problem. It works for us and I couldn't imagine having to play those kinds of games. It would just be exhausting.

Focus: I'm surprised point 6 hasn't been discussed much yet. I think it's actually pretty accurate, in saying men and women both want thier partners to be financially responsible.

For me, this brought up the idea of having joint bank accounts.

After 10 years together, my boyfriend and I still keep our money separate. This is mostly because we're lazy fucks and haven't gone to the bank to set up a joint account, but it works for us. I'm glad I don't have to justify spending my money on something I want. Example: I recently dropped $130 on comic books since I couldn't afford them over the summer (nerd alert) and my boyfriend said it was good for me, that I deserved to treat myself to them. I also don't care when he drops $60 on a video game.

My married girlfriend always checks her joint checking account and is constantly getting angry at her husband for "reckless" spending. In her mind, buying lunch every day is reckless (instead of bringing lunch from home, which is what she does). Now, she and I are both graduate students and, as a result, bring home shit money (read: under $18k/year). Both of our men make the money in the relationship right now. It blows my mind that she gets angry when he spends $5 on a sandwich. It's mostly his money in that account - why does she get all pissed off about it?

Thoughts? Insights? Am I weird to not understand her reaction? Or is this the "normal" reaction when you have a joint account?

 

Sounds like paranoia to me. But, spending $25 for lunch supplies for 2-3 weeks IS a lot cheaper than the $50+ for subs in that period. Maybe she's an über-thrifter?

 

If you're getting the silent treatment, it's gone beyond the point where talking about it seems to have any point.
It's probably something that's already been talked about. At this point i'm hurt and distrustful, and questioning the relationship. I'm doubting that there is any reason to trust my partner with my feelings, because he's disregarded them again.
I don't make a big deal about small stuff, so if it gets to this stage there's a real issue that needs to be resolved and it's not a game.
If you're with someone who does this to be manipulative, maybe it's time to reconsider?

 

men think they can dazzle with fast pumping while the real girl wants it slow.

 

Why is this a problem?

 

This went nicely with your signature.




Sometimes I think women want to have sex with me. In reality, they don't.

 

I've got plenty for this, but I'll just start out with these because I have company en route.

Things men think women want: Sex for more than 5 minutes.
What (my) woman really wants: For me to come inside her in <5 minutes.

The above is situational of course.

As for a general acknowledgment:

I think women want to be included in everything you do (socially speaking off course), however in turn they just want to be invited to be included, that's really what they care about, that you were thinking of them and show little reserve for joining you on any occasion.

 

Women need to stop telling this lie:

"I want a guy who isn't afraid to cry."

No, you don't. You're scared by guys who cry. Terrified in fact, with good reason. Guys who cry are pitiful and creepy. What you really want is a shoulder to cry on.

 

That's funny. I wanted a guy who would teach me to rewire my house and use a circular saw, and then trust me to do these things properly without supervision. But, whatever floats her boat.

In all seriousness, most women want a MAN. A man isn't threatened by a woman who is his equal intellectually, emotionally, and experientially. A man doesn't need to walk around showing how manly he is all the time, because he's not an immature little fuckwit. A man handles his business, takes care of himself, works hard, pays his bills & taxes, and is responsible for his own emotional baggage. Real men aren't manipulative, insecure, or petty. They don't walk around bragging and throwing their weight around all the time.

Most women just want men. The difference is in definition. There are a lot of guys out there these days who are extremely confused about what it means to be a man. They think that lifting weights or screwing a lot of women makes you a man. It's unfortunate.

My dad is a real man. He worked his ass off his entire life to take care of his kids and to ensure that life would be slightly easier for us than it was for him. He never got into a fist fight in his life, and he doesn't put gel in his hair, and he doesn't have a fake tan. He's just a plain, good, hard-working honest man who does his best every single day of his life.

That's what I want.

 

Slow down there, Electra.

 

When it comes to women , I'm with Socrates .... All that I know is that I (often) don't know.