The Time Traveler's Life

Most of mine were in New York City, where I was at my most reckless. Honestly, how I never got robbed, mugged, or raped is beyond me. My biggest problem is I have a tendency to venture out on my own when I blackout so I don't even have anyone to tell me what I did or how I ended up where I did

There was the time I woke up face down on my subway stop's platform by 2 cops. Somehow, I made it all the way from a bar in the lower east side to Astoria, Queens (solid 35 mins on the subway, another possible 15-20 mins waiting for the subway that late) but failed to complete (or even attempt it seems) the 5 minute walk to my apartment. I don't understand how someone can have the drunk-sense to get up and walk out at the right stop, but immediately pass out afterward. When I woke up there were a few people around who had called the police because they thought I might be dead.

Then there was the time I went to a party with a few friends. I ended up leaving to go to a bar with a girl I had just met and a few other people I had just met. I remember going to the bar, at some point going outside to have a cigarette at which point I called my friend and told him to come to the bar I was at immediately. He lives in New Jersey. I then remember going back inside the bar, but being unable to find the people I had come with and decided to fuck it and go home. Black out. Another friend I called at some point said that I called her to help me find my way to the subway because I was lost. She lives in Delaware. She told me while I was on the phone with her, I saw a dog and it was chasing me(extremely unlikely) and I had to run and began running and hung up. I woke up on a park bench in Tompkins square park, a park that is not open to the public at night. I was awoken by a some authority figure who was not a cop. No idea how I got there or what happened.

Then there was the time I was shaken awake by a homeless man on the subway. He was trying to make sure I was ok. Yes, a BUM was trying to make sure I was ok.

Then there was the time I was at some kid's house, drunk off my ass and being a loud asshole. At this point a very nice, albeit slightly portly woman asked me if I could keep it down since we were in an apartment building and ought not disturb the neighbors. I kindly responded by asking why there was a fat girl telling me what to do. Then I heard someone scream "THAT'S MY FUCKING WIFE!!!" One my my larger friends grabbed onto him and looked me in my eyes and said "Run." I flew down the steps and down the street. Blacked out.

Next thing I remember is waking up in my friend's house which is about a 10 minute drive away. Nobody had any idea where I went and I wouldn't answer my phone. My friend, whose house I ended up at, said he came home to find me in his kitchen making myself a sandwich. He asked me how the hell I got there and what the fuck I was doing. He told me my only response was "yo I was just reading right." Then laughing maniacally. Then I am told a gobbled up my haphazard sandwich while continuing to giggle and then passing out.

I don't black out often, but it rarely ends well.

edit: I forgot one of my best ones. This was last halloween. I had recently moved back to my parents house since I had recently graduated, and my menial job meant I could no longer afford to live in the city. This depressed me greatly. Anyway, I was driven to a party by my friend Steve. So blah blah blah I got really drunk and blacked out. At the party there was a cauldron of Jungle Juice(never. again.). Apparently at one point I decided filling up cups with jungle juice was far too inefficient and picked up the cauldron and started chugging. Who knows how much I actually drank. Some time later I decided it was time to drive home. My friend Steve, being the great friend that he is, threw me my keys and told me to go ahead (keep in mind, he drove me there so my car wasn't even there). He then invited several people outside to watch me look for my car while they all laughed their asses off because after being unable to find my car I broke down in tears. Full on sobbing my eyes out in a heap on the neighbors yard. Steve then, knowing of course about my atheism and the conveniently placed statue of Mary that I was weeping not too far from pointed her out to me and said "YOU SEE, DUBYU TEE EFF?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DEFY THE WILL OF THE LORD." I took this as a personal affront and whipped out my dick and pissed all over the statue, all screaming "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU" and still gently weeping.

Steve then drove me back to his house to go to sleep. While on the highway I told him I had to throw up immediately. I should mention Steve dressed as David Bowie that Halloween and was wearing leather pants. He pulled over on the highway, where I exited the vehicle and threw myself on the guardrail like a wet towel. I began to throw up and apparently was about to fall over the guardrail due to my incessant dry heaving. So Steve came over to grab a hold of me. Now picture this scene for a second. A man wearing leather pants is standing behind another man bent over the guardrail, grabbing a hold of his stomach. In some circles, this is known as "doggystyle." In any case, after I was done, he put me back in the car. And began screaming for no reason. As we pulled into his driveway, he made an audio recording of me. I am currently in the process of trying to get a hold of it for you guys. Will update soon.

 

I think I told this story on RMMB awhile back, but the cliffnotes are:

On vacation in Oahu with friends, last night there, I drink everything,last clear memory is at a strip club around 11 pm. Woke up in a hotel room with an Asian girl in a king size bed. All seemed alright... we were both fully dressed so I don't think anything happened, except I can't find my shoes or phone anywhere, and I had to catch a plane in about four hours. When I leave the room (without her waking), I discover that it was only a bedroom, and there is a living room and kitchen area in the hotel room as well. Sure enough, there are (presumably) her parents sleeping on a fold out couch-bed.

What puzzles me thinking back on it though, isn't if she was old enough or whatever, like I said we were both fully dressed in the morning so I don't think anything happened. What really bothers me is wondering whether I kicked the parents out of the room or something like that. I mean.... why were I and the girl in the fucking master bedroom, and this 50 year old looking couple sleeping on a fold out couch. Imagine black out drunk me kicking an Asian couple out of a bed at some ungodly hour of the morning.

Anyways, the hotel is about 5 miles from my hotel and the area where we were partying, not sure how I ended up there. I borrow someone's phone on the street to call the friends, and essentially walk the majority of the way to the airport. Terrible, terrible morning.

 

I have a friend name N who back at one point had a bit of a drinking problem. It was a problem because he would always be blacking out and losing his phone, shoes, clothes, passing out on the 50 yard line of the local high school's football field, etc.

One event really highlighted his ability to blackout and literally not remember anything. That was the evening he got shot in the shin and didn't remember it.

My buddies went out for some drinks in Denver and they were having a good time. N decided that some fella was talking to him in an incorrect manner and wanted to correct him on his decorum. My friends decide to take N and leave. Well N decides he doesn't want to go with them so he'll walk home. He lived about 3 or 4 miles from this bar so it was doable and I guess he was in no mood to be corralled so they let him leave. Unfortunately N lived in a part of town my friends fondly called Stab-Town. That was the last anyone saw of him until the next day.

N had quite the night. From what he said, he got picked up by the cops for being drunk in public, thrown in the drunk tank and released. No big deal right? Well several days go by and N's shin is hurting pretty good. He decides to go to the urgent care to get it checked out. They take a x-ray and much to the x-ray techs surprise I'm sure they find a small caliber bullet lodged in his shin.

My friend was so blacked-out that he got shot and didn't remember it, also surprisingly the cops didn't seem to notice or care that he had a hole in his jeans and he was bleeding.

He wasn't sure who shot him or where and was really embarrassed by the whole incident.

 

As covered previously [and also noted in my open mic standup I did], the greatest thing I have ever accomplished while black out drunk was ordering Papa John's pizza at midnight to be delivered the next day at noon. Imagine my fucking surprise when a pizza already paid for showed up at my door with a loud knock. Was hilarious.

 

I was at a music fest with a few friends. We were staying in the campground, and we had a few campers parked there. We walked to the concert area to see some shows one night, and while we were there, my buddy stopped at this stand that was selling all kinds of hats and bought me one of these:

for no reason other than he was drunk and thought it was funny. After the concerts were over we walked back to our campers and were partying with some girls we met earlier in the day. I had been drinking straight tequila for quite some time, and I blacked out at around 3am.

The next morning my buddies told me that I walked in one of the campers to piss or something, and after a few minutes the door flew open. I was standing there wearing nothing but the hat and had my dick and nuts stuffed between my legs, and said "OH, ROOK! ROOK AT THE UGRY RADY!

I then ran out to the road and started showing the "ugry rady" to people who were walking by. Apparently I passed out soon after that. I'm glad I did, because I probably would've woken up in a jail cell, confused as to why I had nothing but a Mandarin hat on.

I can see it now:
OH, HERRO PORICE OFFICER!! ROOK AT THE UGRY RADY!

 

The worst (or best, but probably worst) blackout I had started out at a friend's house. Now i black out fairly frequently but this was smething entirely different.

It started out as a poker night at my friend's house. I got kicked out of the poker game first (K6 versus my QQ). I wasn't very happy but decided to make the best of the situation... I proceeded to drink my face off. That's the last I remember. I don't even remember the next person being kicked out of poker.

I wake up (feelinig a little groggy). I look over and my girlfriend is sitting in a chair. This is strange because she did not come out with me the night before. I look at myself and I have monitors strapped to my chest and I am sitting in a hospital bed. Apparently my buddies called an ambulance for me because I was puking up blood, I told them I was fine but they were bitches and called an ambulance and my girlfriend.

Apparently all of the nurses fucking hated me because I was constantly asking what my blood type was and if I was fuckng superman!

The worst part was they would not let me drink fluids... no fucking water to cure my hangover. They let me go home the next morning with my girlfriend ( i was still drunk as a sailor) and to this day I have never had such a terrible hangover. I had a pounding headache and couldn't eat for 2 days!!

Almost every time I drink I regret stupid shit I have done the night before, but this night was the worst of them all, and it would be very difficult to top.