When I get out of the shower I do dick tricks. I believe the one I perfected is called the "pendulum" I also do the tuck trick that was made famous in silence of the lambs.
- Scratching my balls or ass and then smelling my fingers. (I do this subconsciously apparently, because my girlfriend has been noticing it lately and yelling at me for it.) - Calling inanimate objects "faggots", "dick faces", or "fucking shit fucks" when I step on them, or they otherwise won't cooperate with whatever I'm trying to make them do. - First thing in the morning I perform trial and error experiments of the most reliable positions to employ while trying to piss with a five alarm boner. Some of them get fairly acrobatic. - Now that my hair is fairly long (and it's curly), I like to experiment with ridiculous hair-do's in the mirror when I get out of the shower at night. Sometimes, when I'm particularly entertained, this can last upwards to two hours. To the point that I'll have to re-wet my hair in the shower to keep going. (Note: these aren't realistic hairstyles I would seriously wear. They are variations of afros, mullets, mohawks, attempted corn rows, trying to get a mini pony tail in the back) - I usually keep very scruffy facial hair, and don't ever shave it clean unless I have a formal event to attend. When I do shave, I do it in funny increments and take pictures of myself in various facial hair stages (neck beard, goatee, mutton chops, mustache, etc.) Then next time I'm drunk I break out the phone and show my friends the pictures and freak them out, because I always make creepy faces when I do this.
Occasionally, I leave clothes sitting in the dryer for days at a time, only taking them out as I need them. Sometimes I have no clean socks and need to sort through the mound of clean, wrinkly clothes in the dryer to find a matching pair. When I'm ready to fold and put away, I run the dryer for about 15 minutes to get wrinkles out. I do the same once dishes are clean in the dishwasher in avoidance of having to put all them away at once. Ditto on pee races and self dutch ovens.
Why are foreign guys always uncircumcised? I would think your best trick would be a "disappearing head."
-Contort my legs into weird positions. I'm 6' 5" and most of that is in my legs, so I enjoy stretching them into Yoga positions, even when I'm typing up some research on the laptop. -Ever since I watched Clockwork Orange, I have been gleefully humming Beethoven's 9th Symphony to myself every so often. -Massaging and feeling my upper body muscles, regardless of whether they're sore or not. Honestly, not sure why I do this one. Trying to cut it out. -I have my headphones on all the time...even though I'm rarely listening to anything. Edit- This isn't just some random habit; it's a common psychological occurrence in every human being with a lot of research articles written about it. It's especially strong in children; I would NEVER allow myself to step on a crack when I was young.
- I pick my nose. It's a bad habit I picked up while working construction. There's nothing that feels worse than saw dust up your nose, and the only way to really get it out at the end of a day is to pick it. If I'm not paying attention to anything around me, I'll pick my nose even if I'm not on a job site. If I am paying attention, I often catch my hand on the way to my nose, and just wait til everyone's looking the other way. - Crack my ankles. Sometimes I get lots of what feels like pressure build up in my ankles, so I pop them. I do this by forcefully rolling them onto the side and stretching them til they pop and feel better. Often this happens at near 90 degrees to my leg. While no one has outright said anything about it, I've seen many disgusted looks on faces, and now try to hide it when I can.
I play with my hair constantly. Usually when I'm on my laptop, one hand is navigating the touchpad while the other is gingerly twirling and caressing my hair. It is not even remotely heterosexual.
Feel my pubes (or lack thereof). Yes, it is weird as fuck, but it's so relaxing. I never did it before freshman year, but there was a guy on my floor who was completely cavalier about leaving his hand down his pants all the time that I thought there must be something to it. And there is...sort of. Sometimes when I'm lazing around watching TV it just feels natural to have my hand in my pants, I don't even care.
I do what every guy does. I flex. My shoulders are pretty goddammed big (I've had friends comment on it) so I like to occasionally get a good Mr. Universe shoulder-shrug pose going on (ignoring the gut, of course) and think about how chicks like broad shouldered guys. I also pick my nose. A lot. I keep a paper towel on my living room table at all times, cause I can't stop mining nose nuggets. Generally when I get home, I put on gym shorts. They're nice and loose, I don't have to pull my dick over the waistband when I pee, I just hike up the leg a little. And when I'm watching TV, I almost always have my hand on my pecker. Al Bundy style, only with better shorts. Whew. That was embarrassing.
I used to do these when no one else was watching, but since the wife keeps her bitching about it to a minimal, I now do them in her presence as well: - pissing outdoors. In my office, I have to walk directly past the restroom to go outside, but whatever, it feels good and manly. Like marking my territory. Every morning, I wake up, walk out the front door (ranch, so no one can see me) and piss with my morning wood all over the place. Bonus points if I can find like a katydid or something. I'd say 80% of my pisses are done outside, and because of the location, I have been known to be actively grilling a steak whilst pissing in the grass beneath the grill's side burner. - For whatever weird reason, I have this scar tissue that keeps building on the inside of both my nostrils. I think it may have something to do with all the steroid-heavy nose sprays I had to take a few years ago (as a side-effect of a surgery), but whatever, I tear that shit off with tweezers every time it gets excessive. Wife gets mad if I use her "nice" tweezers for her eyebrows, but I call it more efficient. - Ball scratching. I do this without regard as to time or place; while watching tv, eating dinner, during foreplay, whatever. I sometimes try to make sure no one is watching, but I generally don't give a shit. - Farting. Certain things have better acoustics. If I have to fart and am near a wooden chair (we have some as bar stools), I'm putting my ass on that thing at a 45 degree angle and cutting loose. Actually, basically anything wooden makes your farts sound awesome. Dinning room table, end table, mini bar, sitting on top of your office desk. Farts are great on their own, but why not make them echo off walls and shit?
I'm a constant wannabe rock star if I'm home alone with music playing...air guitar, head bang, strutting around my fake stage...the whole nine yards. And I pick my nose. A LOT.
Not to toot my own horn, but I am something of a stickler for anal hygeine. I will never leave the bathroom until the TP comes up sheet-white, even if I use up half an hour and a roll of paper towels to get there, or have to get in the shower. This causes stress in public facilities. There's a pair of dice at the left of my computer. When I'm on it, I roll these dice, over and over again, all day if necessary. If the mood is right, I'll dance horribly or rant loudly and violently. If my neighbors ever bitch, I've got mounds of dirt on them.
Dude... get some moist wipes. They're awesome and your butthole will thank you. Focus: I pump the music up really loud when no one is home and dance around naked. This was ideal when I lived alone (kept the hamper by the door) but now it's more challenging. It's ok with clothes on but naked is key to making it super fun. I stroke the kitty absentmindedly a LOT. Not to orgasm usually though. I, too, am a nose picker. It's just so... satisfying.
I pick scabs until I'm bleeding. I pull nose-hairs absent-mindedly. I pick my nose. When I jump out of the shower i'll swing my pecker around and giggle in the mirror. I sit on the toilet seat after a hot shower and laugh at the ball-prints. I draw penises on foggy glass. I'll marvel at colossal shits. Talk to myself. Whistle songs loudly and off-key. I'll sing (I don't dance though). I'll laugh uncontrollably.
I pace whenever brainstorming or talking on the phone. I pity the fool who ever has the misfortune to live beneath me. While I am pacing I will pick a spot where I'll touch two close points with my outstretched thumb and pinkie (kinda like the metal salute but with the index finger tucked in). I don't do this when anyone else is around (easy these days). I also make up little projects. One involved a mini cassette recorder and holding in would-be farts, muting the TV or stereo, grabbing the recorder before ripping them out. I even started trying to time my farts to commercials. After each fart, I'd strategically place the recorder near me to make the next fart easier to hold and record. I did this during downtime until the farts over the course of a few months were one continuous 30min blast. For the other side of the tape I kept the recorder near my bed at night where I'd briefly talk into it right after waking--dreams, mostly. I completed the fart side and nearly the night side finished, but my cat knocked over a beer and ruined the tape. Why I was doing this, I have no idea; never had any intention of showing/giving it to anyone. Looking back, I should've labeled the tape Shits & Giggles and mailed it to the schizophrenic next door.
I talk to myself. A lot. I've been known to hold long winded discussions with myself over various things, and I am convinced that if I ever recorded and distributed these conversations I would get a one-way ticket to hookers and blow or a mental institution. Helps my public speaking out a lot. I'm a lot livelier when I'm by myself, because there are just some things that don't make sense for a dude my size to do in public. Like shadowboxing. I come up with dialogues between characters that may or may not be copyrighted. I also do more normal shit, like singing, dancing, beatboxing, making remixes in my head, etc.
These. Also, how weird is it that my college roommate (going on two years) does the exact same shit?? And he's a black kid from Chicago and I'm an Indian kid from Jersey. Weeeeird.