I had this discussion with some of my buddies last weekend while a little drunk: FOCUS: If there was a hidden camera somewhere in your house that you were unaware of, what kind of embarrassing things would it catch you doing when you are completely alone (or think you are)? A couple of mine that are pretty simple: - Having staring contests with my dog, then having an internal debate over who won when he jumps at me and starts licking my face - Flushing the toilet while still peeing, and then trying like hell to finish before the toilet completely flushes - Watching re-runs of "The Princess Diaries" and "Julie and Julia" that I had DVRed previously - Eating a lunch consisting of nothing but chips and salsa - Counting my chest hairs (6) And yes, we all know that everyone looks at/uses porn. Go another route.
-I dance in front of the mirror, well, all over the house. -I pretend I can sing. Out loud and everything. Once or twice it's been to Mariah Carey. -This is a major confession: I clean house in stilettos. Only when my kids aren't home. I don't dress up to clean, mind you. I will slip them on with my boxers. Why? I enjoy the stretch I get. I don't have enough occasion to wear my fabulous shoes and don't want to forget how to walk in them. -I am an FB whore, I am on WAY too often.
To start, this: I'll go through "spurts" of doing this, usually until I've strained my bladder muscle. Been doing this since I was a kid. When we first got married, my wife caught me doing this, stared at me, shook her head and said, "I don't want to know." I also talk to myself (i.e., think aloud), especially in the shower. Some people sing, I talk. Again, my wife has learned to ignore this and not question it. Air-guitar and air-drums. I do a mean impression of Keith Moon on "Won't Get Fooled Again." I'm asking for the Rock Band drum set for Christmas so I can jam with my daughter.
Just a heads up, but pretty much everyone sings and air drums/guitars around the house. Let's try to stick to the genuinely weird and outlandish things we do. - Peeing sitting down solely because I'm too lazy/tired to stand like a normal human being - Plucking out the ring of hairs closest to my nipple because they bother me -Not only talking to myself, but arguing and asking questions to/with myself. Similarly, formulating perfect and hilarious replies to questions in hopes that one day I will be able to use them. - In addition to the previously mentioned piss racing, I like to start peeing from close to the toilet and then back up as far as I can to see how far I can pee.
I have conversations with myself. Not the normal ones that everyone has. I find a senario that I expect to happen and I'll play it out in my head. Figure out what I'm going to say and what their responses might be.
Dance Dance Revolution in nothing but boxer shorts and maybe a tshirt ... hell, just Dance Dance Revolution in general. Work on "screaming" (a la bands like Saetia, Circle Takes the Square, Orchid, and Envy) Pick up objects on my floor with my feet, because it's something I can do.
I play WAY too much Frontierville. Sometimes, I leave work early so I can come home and play. If you don't know what it is, Frontierville is like Farmville, but you are a pioneer instead of a farmer. Also, I'm 23 years old and still sleep with a cabbage patch kid. Sometimes I sleep with it in my arms.
Sometimes I will speak in tongues, as in I will make up a "language" in a stream of consciousness way. Doota tada catakla batta stakadadata brrrlackaldesha. I even have a persona that I created, Nikkos Stakaktapusapulus. I will sometimes dance in the strangest, most geekish way possible ala Ed Grimly. No one has ever caught me doing this thank God. Yes, I am strange.
I absentmindedly pluck my chest hairs out, one by one. I have done this since I started having more than 10 a few years ago. When peeing I like to spit, and try and get it to drop through the stream.
I used to do that shit all the time, and then when the pressure started to wind down you would have to waddle back up close to the toilet real quick. Didn't always work out either. The worst thing I do when no one else is around is pick my nose. I know, pretty gross right? It was a bad habit as a kid that I just never got rid of. At least I don't wipe them all over the place anymore like I did when I was young, I keep tissues around now, but instead of actually using them to clean out my nose I'll go to town with my finger.
Perhaps this is related to a minor OCD type thing - I count arbitrary things and create patterns out of them. Example - When driving I count the white hash lines in between the lanes for miles by twos, skipping one and then continuing. - I used to skip cracks in the side walk until I became a teenager and it was obvious that I was doing it and looked fuck off insane. - Scratch my ass? Gonna smell it. Take a poop? Gonna look at it and play meal match to what I can observe. - I am obsessed with the sound that flies make. It drives me crazy. If I'm at home by myself, I'll turn off all the lights except the bathroom and wait for them with a spray bottle full of water. When they inevitably come in there, I spray them until they can't fly and then I torture them for making that fucking noise. If I haven't seen a fly for a few weeks, I get a little sad inside.
-I'll have conversations with my cat. He meows constantly, so I make up shit to say in between his "talking." It's not unlike Ron Burgundy with Baxter. -I'm with swank puppy Fernanthonies, I'll pick my nose from time to time. It's less a habit than the fact that tissues don't do the trick sometime--you know, on those really stuck ones. I don't eat or flick or anything, but I will go to town and then use a tissue to clean up. -I try to fill the entire surface of the toilet water with bubbles when I pee. I strategically aim the stream to accomplish this.
Like the only hair on my upper body is the happy trail and nipple hair. Well the nipple hair is gross so its gotta go. - I just yesterday found a spider out by our front door and decided to mess with it. I put a ring of lighter fluid around it and set the ring on fire. Then spayed a little on the spider to make him try and run through the circle, he didn't fair well but it was pretty cool to watch. ( I don't want to hear shit about cruelty to animals its a fucking spider) - I like to write down movie ideas. To expand on that though lately I sit around and try to write movie scripts. I like input from my roommates but I have to write a couple pages down by myself first. Then I let the roommates tear into it and add or take away some stuff. - I get mad when I play Call of duty but I keep my mouth shut. But if no ones home I fucking yell be it at the enemy or my team, its pathetic i remind myself of the kid from the WOW freak out video. (Minus the remote up the ass)
I do the same exact thing. -When I get home from the gym I'll just kind of look at myself in the mirror and flex. It does help me get more motivated when you can see I see my body get more and more muscular as time goes on, and I really need the motivation because basic training is only 2 months away for me. I sometimes think to myself "One of those dagos from Jersey Shore is without a doubt doing the same thing I'm doing right now" at which point I just laugh at myself and then go about my day. I know that isn't exactly unusual, but I still would be embarrassed if someone happened to walk by and see that. -If I'm wearing socks I'll run and slide across the floor, this has led to quite a few accidents. -When walking around the tiled area of my house I walk in a perfectly straight line and only step in every other one and turn only at 90 degree angles. I used to count the dividers on sidewalks too, but I broke the habit of doing it in public because people who do this look insane when they take overly large or short steps for no apparent reason.
Yes, yes, and yes. I am both an exceptionally immature and exceptionally lazy individual. Continuing the trend of "Odd Cowbell Bathroom Habits": If I'm going to take a poop at home, I will sometimes walk into the bathroom carrying my laptop. This theoretically shouldn't be that weird, because I'm reading stuff, so it's not that different from a magazine. Sure as hell feels weird though. One of these days, someone is going to see me do it and think I'm a total weirdo.
-I've done the whole piss race too, that's always enjoyable. -I've practiced what I would do if robbers had broken into my apartment and were hiding around corners. -I don't have a radio in my car, so i'll always sing...mostly really gay songs.
How did I over look this I fourth this. For some reason even when no one is home I turn the sink on when I number 2...don't know why I think its because I like background noise.
I like to hold some toilet paper in front of me while I'm pissing and "cut through" it with my stream, surprisingly satisfying. Sometimes? I can't tell you the last time I shit at home without my laptop. Seconded, except I haven't gotten over the sidewalk thing yet, luckily I'm too obsessive about it to notice the people who are most certainly looking at me like I have five heads.
I pee in sinks. I guess I've peed in at least 20 sinks thus far, including all those at my parents' house, every apartment I've rented, most of my friend's places, and sometimes in public bathrooms at are of the one-at-a-time variety with a lock. My girlfriend just moved to a new place, but I think I will refrain. I did that in her old sink a few times though, purely out of convenience and quietness. I'd pee in houseplants if I had houseplants, and didn't fear it dying/smelling very soon after a few spray-downs. I pick my nose all too often, and use the pliers on my leatherman to pluck out protruding nose hairs.