I was seven years old when Mike Tyson was arrested for rape. At that age I really liked watching the news and since this was before Mike Tyson had taken his spiral into batshit insanity, it was a big news story. The only problem was I didn't know what rape was because I didn't know what sex was. I remember pestering my parents about what Mike Tyson actually did to get thrown in jail, and they dodged the question for about a month. Until one day my Dad explained it all to me in a very uncomfortable way, since at the end the conversation turned to what rape is and how sex becomes rape. Awesome, just what I needed.
When I was six or seven, my aunt was pregnant with my cousin, so I asked grandma "Where do babies came from?" Her response was "People pray to God for a baby, and he'll decide if he should send them a baby" At 11 my dad made the wise decision of introducing satellite television, so that meant I had access to cartoon network and half a dozen porno channels. The former improved my english, while the latter helped me realize that penises are there for more than one thing and I learned about masturbation. A year later a friend asked if I knew where babies came from, I didn't, so he started to explain. Imagine my surprise when I realized that what I had been watching on television, was used to make babies. A few years later I had the talk; Dad: Do you know, where babied came from? Me: Yes Dad: Good, if you have any questions just ask.
I never really got a talk. My mom rented a video on sex from the free educational section at Blockbuster and made me watch it. I seem to recall there were ducks and badly drawn naked cartoon people involved.
My parents are old fashion and Catholic. You better believe we never got "the talk." The Catholic grade school I went to had a short sex ed class that explained the basics. The only thing my mother has said to me about sex is what will happen if I get pregnant. She has this huge scenario orchestrated in her mind about how I will be shipped off to another family member to hide my shame from everyone we know. Thanks mommy, I love you too.
You're fucking right I did. My principal told us the semen looks like watered down milk in a pickle jar. I don't know why a pickle jar of all things. Thank you Mr. Taylor.
I went to a Catholic school that, in retrospect, was fairly progressive. We had the 'how shit works' classes starting in Grade 2, and in Grade 6 a woman came in to talk about sexuality; everything from condoms to masturbation was addressed. Looking back, I can't believe the school was that tolerant. My high school was a bit more strict about preaching sex only within marriage, but the boarding school in Australia was fucking militant. No education about sex, no debate on religion - it was the Bible's way or no way. Needless to say, 3 girls in my Grade 11 class were pregnant by the end of the year. My parents made a point of talking to me about sex at a young(ish) age. If I recall, it was on par with what was being taught in school. Non of this "the stork brings the baby!" or "You can get pregnant from kissing," crap. When I volunteered in Africa, I taught Sexual Reproductive Health to kids, aged 12-18. You better believe I can stand up and give a speach on ANYTHING. When I have kids, I'll do the same with them: straighforward information, honest answers to their questions, anticipating their need to know and trying to shove all the shame/embarassment horseshit to the side.
The closest I ever had to "the talk" was calling my mom my junior year of college asking how to get blood out of sheets. Not actually related to sex. I fell and cut my face open. But, it's still the closest I ever got to having the talk.
Hm. My talk was an ongoing affair from around seven years of age, en route to the grocery store. My mother felt that was an appropriate age to warn me about being raped, std's and the horrors of homosexuality. As I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about, she described copulation in great detail. I'll never forget that conversation, staring out the window at trees and fences whipping by, cheeks red with embarrassment as I could not stop visualizing her fucking my stepfather. She seemed to try to balance out the terror she instilled by frequently sharing with everyone at breakfast what a "wonderful time" stepdad showed her the night before. Crazy bitch, no wonder I'm nuts.
I never had the talk with either of my parents. I do remember at a wedding once my uncle was berating my mother because she didn't give me and my brother condoms to put in our wallets. I already knew about everything at that point though. I got my education from my dad's complete Playboy collection, cinemax (such greats as exposed and playmate of the apes) and the internet, and the health classes we had in 7th and 10th grade. Oh and Mean Girls
I for one learned all about sex from Linda Ellerby on the Nick News special about AIDS when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. A few years later my mom had my grandfather tried to give me the talk. I already knew all about it, so that was a short conversation. I distinctly remember him using farm animals as his example. I have to say the knowledge I had was useful. For a while I just invented my own way of explaining things. Why was my dick getting hard? Well the balls at the bottom were replacing the ball shaped part at the top. You know, to get some air. Made sense at the time.
Like the "treasure chest of cocks" scene from Superbad my talk came after my parents found a military ammo box full of cut outs of tits. Big tits. I'm more of an ass man now but back then breasts were king in my early years. Flash back to 4th grade and my ammo box full of tits. I got a funny feeling when I looked at them and knew that I liked looking at them. My mistake was sharing my treasure trove with my friend Tony who took one of the best ones and got caught with it at his house. Of course he folded under questioning and his parents called my parents and my parents found the box and had the talk with me. I already knew most of what they explained thanks to my best friend's older sister who was in 7th grade and had shown me the real thing on multiple occasions.
Considering my old man was a gynaecologist - I figured I would get the talk sooner or later when I was younger, after I found out what a gynaecologist actually was. However, I didnt really get anything. My access to early "porn" were medical journals that came in the post and frankly after seeing some of the shit in there I was scared of vaginas. At around 12 though, with the joys of internet porn and a 56k connection, I was able to print out some pics and thought it would be a great fucking idea to hide it under my mattress. Kid logic. I get home from school one day and my mom is fuming and has said pics sitting on the dining table waiting for me. Of course I denied it was mine and blamed it on some friend slipping it it one of my books which somehow magically appeared under my mattress. Ridiculous. When the old man came home he was quite relaxed about the whole thing and just said boys will be boys and told me to wait for the real thing, which was quite weird and cool at the same time. I was banned from using the internet for a while, unsupervised.
Well the reason I got the talk was pretty funny. I was down at the little league field one day hanging out with all the older guys. I was still tee ball age, so I must have been about 7. I can't remember the exact details of how the conversation went, but it was something to do with a drink one of the guys had, and I asked him what flavor it was. The guy responded, "sperm" and they all busted out laughing uncontrollably. I began to laugh too, though I don't know why. The kid asked if I even knew what sperm was and I squeaked out a meek yes, and they all knew I was lying. A few days later my Dad was drinking something, can't remember what, and I said, "What flavor is that, sperm?" He just laughed for awhile, and then went, "Wait....what?" Cue the talk.
Well, I guess schools over here have changed a bit. Sex education in school starts in grade 5, which deals with the anatomy side, health type class etc. Grade 6 is a whole different ball game. I vividly remember my daughter coming home last year with sex ed homework, which consisted of a column of terms like, menstruation, puberty, wet dreams, pregnancy, erection, etc. For homework she had to assign a category to each word: Boys, Girls, or both. We had discussed sex before in general terms, and she knew the basics, but that homework was a catalyst for a pretty frank discussion. We had a discussion about periods, and being a nurse, I was all over that shit, explaining the why's and how's. I rocked it! And then I wrapped up by saying "So, that's how it's gonna work every month" Cue a shocked look from my daughter "Wait! You mean this happens more than ONCE?" It's all in the details.... My son still refuses to discuss it with me, but I have noticed a rapid increase in the number of tissues littering his bedroom floor. I may have to come in for another approach. My mother was very cool about the sex talk. Anything I asked was answered with more than enough information (sometimes too much). I still vividly recall her telling my best friend and I how to check a guy out for STD's, by rubbing the tip of his penis with your thumb, and checking the colour of the pre cum. This was all demonstrated with the top part of a pear. To this day I cannot eat a pear without thinking about it.
This. Of course, my mom and dad used a sharpie to black out the stuff they didn't want me to know about. This included masturbation and anything relating to homosexuality. They didn't realize that if you held the booklet just right under the light you could still read what was under the marker. I also remember when we were moving when I was in the 6th or 7th grade and during the packing process I accidentally came across their copy of the Kama Sutra. Talk about uncomfortable.
I didn't get much of a talk from my parents, but I never really felt like I lacked information on it. Being the youngest of three kids, I think you pick up on some of the things your older siblings and their friends talk about. My mom did buy me one of those educational books, but it was more focused on being a girl and having a period and growing boobs and whatnot than sex. I had no idea what a period was before that book and it scared the shit out of me. I thought the bleeding was coming from a wound or something and it would hurt like being stabbed. And then my sister got pregnant when I was 12. My mom had never really talked to any of us about sex, but after that she always told me she would take me to get birth control whenever I wanted, no questions asked. Thank you mom.
When I had the talk I was in the car with my mom. I asked her where babies come from and she just straight up told me the truth. It wasn't awkward because I didn't know it was supposed to be and she didn't dodge the question and/or act embarrassed. She might as well have been explaining why the moon comes out at night or something. The fact that she was/is a nurse might have played a part in that.
Ah yes, I remember the days of bein' a young'un and thinking that bigger was better, especially loving the fake tits, having never actually touched a real pair at that age. However, as I grew up, I realized that real tits were wonderful, regardless of their size, and that implants are kind of dicey. WARNING: THIS PICTURE MAY BURN YOUR RETINAS NSFW FOCUS: My mom sat me down at age 14, shortly after I started dating my first girlfriend. She tried to explain that I could have sex, so long as I was aware of the possible consequences. Problem was, that she was so timid about it, that the message didn't really get across, and it was just uncomfortable. Didn't help that I was 14, had a good (read: rough) idea of what sex was all about, and at that age was one of them know-it-all kids. So, she heads downstairs to the kitchen where my dad is, and tells him about what happened. I can hear the whole thing from my room, and my dad simply says "Don't worry about it". After that, I hear the front door to the house open and close. I figure it's over and done with and click on the TV, but twenty minutes later I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and suddenly my dad appears at the door, throws a box of condoms and a pamphlet on my lap, and says, "Read the instructions, and go easy on her. This box is on me." Heh, thanks dad. The pamphlet was a thick one with all sorts of information about pregnancy, STDs, and the like. Haven't gotten anyone pregnant, and haven't gotten any STDs. Looks like my dad did an alright job, even if his method wasn't all that conventional. Conclusion: Keep shit simple and don't embarrass your kids any more than you have to. At some age you gotta let them figure shit out on their own and start to trust themselves. That being said, don't be afraid to throw a bit of reading at them, just to get things started. But what do I know? I'm still a kid myself.
I'm fortunate in the sense that my parents were pretty open about sex and would answer my questions, and sex education was also taught fairly young at my school, complete with the hilarious cartoon that features two fatties going at it and the obligatory diagrams of hairy pussies pointing out the points of interest. The rest of my sex education came from my frequent home study sessions in my room when no one was home downloading shitty JPGs from the Internet. I also used to be quite the entrepreneur and sell my wares on floppy disk to my school friends. If I ever for some reason knock someone up and can't manage to push her down some stairs quickly enough before she farts some little brat out, I'm sure as shit going to be open and honest about sex with my kids. It bewilders me that a short time ago you had a generation being told the stork brought babies, kissing leads to pregnancy, and all other kinds of crap that incompetent parents use to sidestep a little awkward conversation.
Totally off topic, but I just sent that pic to a friend of mine and she complained because it screwed up her masturbating. Love the 'nets.