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The Stereotype Travel Guide

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Crown Royal, Dec 10, 2011.

  1. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Just call me Topher

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    I thought we could have some creative fun this holiday season if anybody is into it. This one's easy: write a tourist summary using only the place's unfair stereotypes and ignorant word-of-wouth. It's even better if you've never been there. To make this fair, I'll start with my own:

    Canada

    Canada is a cold, bitter, wind-scarred arctic landscape known primarily for sleet and peameal bacon. 85% of Canada is covered in tundra (the Inuit word for "nothing") and all Canadians kneel at 11 am every day to honour their supreme leader, her royal majesty until death Queen Elizabeth II, esquire. She constantly monitors all civillians on Big Brother screens which are powered by oxen since Canada has not yet to discover coal-fired power. They are NOT a nation of primitives, however. Just recently Canada has discovered the magic of such modern advancements like AM radio, automated traffic lights and shampoo. Althought they're known to love their hockey, Canada's ACTUAL national sport is lacrosse (fact) and that works out well since the entire country is at least half-breed aboriginal which probably explains the pathological beer obsession this nation has. Canadians are also known to be extremely horny since friction produces warmth, however they reproduce by engulfing the opposite sex with clouds of their spores. They also make great gifts.

    and just for fun, since I've never been...

    Australia

    The "Land Down Under" is a much loved and visited country/continent/whateverthefuck known for its kangaroos, its Men At Work, its wallabies, its didgeridoos and most of all its droozywobbles. Their Prime Minister Andy The Humungus wears a hockey mask and demands fuel for his dogs of war, or nobody...NOBODY gets out alive. Although the Austrailian wildlife with its deadly snakes and Huntsman spiders may seem dangerous and indimidating to the rest of the world, all Austrailians can instantly tame an attacking animal simply by waving two fingers in front of it's face and humming. It has also been recently proven that ANYBODY in Austrailia can be a star in America (fact). Their national animal is the dingo, a malevolant wild dog that is known for spawning really overrated Meryl Streep movies. The national sport is Knifey-Spoony.

    Focus: Write a travel guide for basically anywhere based purely on ignorance and sterotypes.
     
  2. Juice

    Juice
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    United States of America

    The US is widely known for its patriotism. Once a week every American takes their federally delegated pet bald eagle and butt fucks it as a sign of affection for ones country. The national TV show is Jerry Springer, who is regarded as a national treasure. Americans generally eat themselves into morbid obesity as a reward for their imperialistic aggression around the world. Coastal Americans are generally snobs, while residents of the interior typically practice familiar inbreeding (incest) as a means to pass the time all while thumbing their nose at Allah.
     
  3. Durbanite

    Durbanite
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    South Africa

    We all run around in loin cloths, hunting nyala (a type of antelope) with spears or, for the more well-heeled, AK-47s. It's also quite possible to rent an elephant or a lion for a day from Avis as individual transport, although the Toyota Corolla is more popular and has more seats - they also don't need food breaks. The only time when you really see a large number of Lions around is when they win the Currie Cup, which happened this year.

    However, the national means of transportation is the Toyota Hi-Ace, which, incidentally, is still roadworthy even after being riddled with bullets and the blood of the previous owner - it all washes off or can be sealed by duct tape. The Hi-Aces are also the most frequent communicators, sounding the horn at everything from trees and birds to people to other vehicles - the secondary means of communication between people is by burning tyres in the streets, as widely covered by international news networks, due to the excessive number of "national" languages and the obvious communication issues that arise. Remember when driving that speed limits are only advisory, since almost no-one pays them much attention.

    The townships are the safest places in the world - there's no violence there, not even at the illegal drinking establishments (shebeens). If someone is waving a knobkerrie or placard at you, they are obviously friendly and just waving - doubly so if they are running towards you and shouting something in another language. This goes double if you're in the Free State, which is the most fun place to drive through!

    For the ladies, the shopping here is fantastic and varied - there's stuff to cater for all styles, sizes and needs!

    The best jobs can be had by working for the Government - there, people can often put together secondary incomes through tender rigging or by soliciting bribes, since it is widely known that every Government official is a lazy piece of shit. It's so lucrative that you'd only need to hold on to your job for about 3 years and then quit before the Hawks start to investigate. However, if you choose to go into business for yourself, you can only get Government contracts if you are B.E.E. (Black Economic Empowerment)-approved, so remember to hire your garden maintenance guy (if he's Black) as your C.O.O. to take advantage!
     
  4. lhprop1

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    Let me condense that for you:

    South Africa: Rugby and AIDS. Come again!
     
  5. Brengsek

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    Where David Hasselhoff is remembered for music, no
    [for added effect, read this in a sort of German accent, it adds to the experience]

    Are you sick of paying inordinate amounts of taxes? Do you think that those lazy leeches living off welfare should feed themselves instead of taking your hard earned dough? Do crave a safe haven for your dollars but don't trust those islanders in the caribbean? Search no further dear fellow, you have come to the right place. Our country is spotless and small enough that you can go on a tour of the alps right after depositing your funds in a completely anonymous numbered account at the bank of your choice. A mere 2 hour drive from Zurich, our financial capital, are the beautiful alps with their quaint villages, featuring cheese and chocolate factories, real cows, alphorns and yodeling peasant-folk. Upon your return to Zurich, you may fancy purchasing some high-quality timepieces (NOT cuckoo clocks, that shit is German!) to bring home for your loved ones. Just be sure not to fall too deeply in love with the country, we only like foreigners with a return ticket.

    Or in the marvelous Billy O's words:
     
    #5 Brengsek, Dec 14, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  6. Misanthropic

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    England: Congratulations on booking your upcoming vacation to the land of bad teeth and worse food! Or in the parlance of the Brits - Cheerio, Guv'nor! Here are a few tips for your trip to the heralded Isle of "Grin and Bear It" - Be sure to pack a good umbrella, your rubbers and your mac (that's galoshes and raincoats in limey-speak), because the rain and the fog will be your constant companion. Now may be a good time to start that diet! The generally bland and unappealing British food can only help you in this regard. Avoid arenas, stadiums, and any other location where team sports are played, as these are the breeding ground for drunken hooligans. After all, you wouldn't want your visit cut short with a visit to the hospital after being mistaken for an Arsenal rooter! You'll want to take in all that smoggy old England has to offer, so be sure to visit a local pub for some warm beer with bits of stuff floating in it, the collection of Very Large Stones Having No Apparent Purpose, and Really Old Stuff That is Way Older Than Anything You Have across the Pond. Pip, pip, wot?
     
  7. lostalldoubt86

    lostalldoubt86
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    Scranton, PA

    Every business in the city is run like The Office. All managers are wacky, the people who answer the phones are constantly pulling pranks on each other, and we stopped being funny a while back.
     
  8. bewildered

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    Alabama: Our women are always pregnant and barefoot. We live in trailers where we also cook our meth. Our men wear camo and we lynch black people for recreational purposes. Incest is fun! Tractors are our official state mode of transportation. Football stars are worshipped as the next coming of Jesus.
     
  9. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Texas

    Texas is the state of large hats and small jeans. Aside from shooting, drinking, and walking across the street in the background of Old West movies a lot, most Texans enjoy driving around in large Cadillac convertables with longhorns on the grill and saying "WHOOOO!!" every time they see something they approve of. Like the Japanese, the Texans have their own unique way of greeting someone, which is done by warmly breaking a wooden chair between another's shoudlerblades. The state animal is an Armadillo holding twin Colt Dragoon pistols, and they make shitty Northern hosts--- Why, all the welcome banners all along the border and littered with barbed wire and Men that work by the Minute armed with guns and severe autism.

    It is true in Texas they execute more often- for killin', fuckin' our wives, trespassin' or taking a hit on sixteen in Blackjack. It's also true everything is bigger in Texas....except for the state itself, which is nowhere near as big as Alaska (that is our revamped state motto and it's a bitch to put on license plates but that's our toxically over-crowded prison tennants' problem!) The Texan flag is a picture of Ronald Reagan holding a fetus.
     
  10. caseykasem

    caseykasem
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    Seattle: Come visit one of the cleanest and most expensive cities in America. Be sure to bring an appetite for seafood and and prepare to be amazed at the incredibly dense forests. Don't forget to pack your rain coat and flannel so as to blend in with the locals. It couldn't hurt to pack some Prozac either because by the time you leave you'll be so depressed you'll want to blow your head off. Come see one of the many Starbucks where the locals can be found when not at work for Boeing or Microsoft. If you enjoy overpriced real estate, volcanic mountains, and watching guys throw fish then this is the place for you.
     
  11. dewercs

    dewercs
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    Location:
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    Mexico
    Bienvenidos and enjoy your stay. Should you choose to drive your rental car outside of the tile covered, mexican detergent smelling concrete spanish looking hotel you are staying in, please beware that you may be kidnapped, raped, murdered then beheaded and left in the desert to rot. We tend to have a few warring drug cartels here and they like to kill people, especially white people. Our nightlife here is great, should you and your buddies choose to patronize our strip club/brothel we do recommend you follow up your night of fucking 28 year old pussy or your hole of choice for $20 bucks a pop and then cleaned in a bucket of water to our complimentary acid wash down, and metal brush scrub with optional penicillin shot. Our industrious shitsellers will gladly carve your name on a grain of rice, braid your name into or bracelet, braid your hair, sell you some silver or if you are lucky some weed. Our weed is shit, but since you dont have any you will pay a premium for it. Drugs are illegal here in Mexico so if you are caught by our honest police you will be jailed and subject to subhuman conditions for an extended period of time. Our restaurants open about 9am but really it is closer to 11am, our food is overpriced and our service is slow. While in your room please do not put toilet paper in the toilet or consume the water this includes brushing your teeth,please use the 200 peso per ounce bottled water we have por Vende, our water contains many amoebas and parasites that will reek havoc on your digestive system for 2 months. Your maid will be around about 7:30 in the morning to change your sheets, she speaks only spanish so Do Not Disturb, does not compute.
    Enjoy your stay and Via con Dios
     
  12. StayFrosty

    StayFrosty
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    Dayton

    Welcome! While we're sorry your flight was forced to make an emergency landing (why else would you be here?), we're glad for the slight chance that you'll settle down here and break the cycle of inbreeding that accounts for 90% of the local population.

    First, you should take a scenic tour of the downtown area, where you'll be treated to shitty traffic. Turn off onto a less-traveled road, and you'll likely be forced to turn around due to the police tape blocking off a recent crime scene. Homicide, especially gang-related, is almost an hourly occurrence; if you're looking for a calmer scene, feel free to check out one of the local nightclubs, where gunfire is usually replaced by random muggings and beatings because "some bitch was checking out my shawty, yo".

    You'll be excited to stop by the WPAFB National Air Museum, the only notable thing about the area. Unfortunately, this means driving through Riverside; despite being the main housing suburb for military employees, it's also a crime and drug infested rattrap where the city motto of "Pride. Progress. Possibilities." is quite possibly the best joke to originate here since Hawthorne Heights made a record deal.

    Further from the center of Dayton, you'll find the neighboring communities of Centerville and Beavercreek, last bastions of middle-class decency left in the neighboring 50 mile radius. The upper-class sections of these cities are quick to turn their noses down at anyone they can as they battle against the torrent of subhuman trash spreading out from Dayton proper like maggots from a festering wound. Scornful elitism clashes against cries of "Dat's racist!" in the background, as gaudily dressed women with perfectly coiffed hair wage mortal combat against single mothers who hold food stamps in one hand and $300 cell phones in the other.

    The entire area is gorgeously bedecked with abandoned manufacturing plants and low-income housing, the sky filled with smoke - the dying breaths of a city barely holding onto the life support of an air force base and the nursing care of an excellent healthcare system - for those who can afford it.

    Those who have studied the Cold War may note that Wright-Patterson AFB was formerly the central procurement center for all Air Force purchases, and was therefore near the top of the list of high-value nuclear targets for the Soviet Union should all-out war have occurred. While most of the residents of this city are ignorant of the term "Soviet Union" (along with "personal responsibility", "Education", and "not being on welfare", some can be found sitting in their homes, quietly howling at the injustice of a once-possible coup de grace that never came.


    Oh wait, this was supposed to be satirical? Oops.
     
  13. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Germany

    IN Oomp-oompa land, Beers are tall and personailites are cold. Deutschland or however the fuck you spell it is bustling with fancy cars, chicks with pigtails and fat, red-faced men screaming what are probably obscenities in your face. Yes, the Germans are angry and scary, but not evil. Sure, history may show that this can-do nation had a habit of falling in with the wrong crowd now and again, but fortunetly they were lousy-enough shots that didn't take over the entire world and turn the planet into a gigantic leather-clad marching homosexual trapeeze act. They make some kick-ass chocolate here and the beer? Would make the Virgin Mary herself cum in her golden panties. Seriously, you could roll it up and fucking SMOKE it. Also, Falco is from here and the national anthem is Rock You Like A Hurricane.
     
  14. Disgustipated

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    New Zealand

    Hello, and welcome to Austr...Noo Zilland. It's totally choice here, ey. You'd almost think we're Canada, but the mountains are different - they move and are called "Maoris". Be careful you don't invade their territory. It's easy to know when you have. If you wake up with a splitting headache and significant blood loss, you've encroached. That, or you're in South Auckland (but there's not much of a difference).

    We've got lots of lovely nature themed attractions. Come check out our latest ride, "Christchurch". It's modelled on the funhouse floors that shake and stuff. Dads will love Rotorua, where they can let off a cheeky fart any time of day without fear. Just don't light a match.

    Are you a Lord of the Rings fan? You can visit many places from the movie series and try and imagine how they used CGI to piece that rock together with a small hill that 100 miles away. It's all good, bro! Hobbit town closed, no refunds.

    And why not meet some of our friendly citizens? Just catch a quick plane over to Sydney. You'll find them all dole bludging in Bondi.
     
  15. KillaKam

    KillaKam
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    Cleveland

    Come on down to the Rock n Roll Capital of the World! C-town is the epicenter for rockin' good times. Take in the beauty of Lake Erie and it's surrounding beaches, just don't dare set foot in the water or you might find yourself with what may or may not be a used syringe jabbed into your heel. Witness the exodus of all steel/engineering plant jobs make their way out of the city leaving it's blue collar citizens in grief and despair. Take an outing into the heart of downtown and see the various vagrants, homeless, and drifters occupy the train stations and streets. Feel free to give them your loose change but save your higher valued coins for the lone saxophonist who has been entertaing the city standing outside of sporting events and the House of Blues for years on end.

    Check out the surrounding area hot spots for dollar draft nights, food specials, and Kelly Pavlik look -a- like dudes with chinstrap beards and white trash vocabulary. Watch our professional sports teams collapse and disappoint year after year as we wait for that one moment where we no longer have to utter the phrase "There's always next year." Careful not to mention the name of that guy that "took his talents to South Beach" or we will get medieval on your ass. Also, if you are a Steelers fan, it would be wise to not set foot at a Browns tailgate or you will be harrased and probably have your life threatened. The weather can be quite fickle at times, spring like temperatures for a week followed by a sudden onslaught of lake effect snowstorms. Bring a shovel and emergency kit while traveling...its rough out there and theres always that slight chance you may find yourself sliding off the highway and over a guard rail, but hey....we're from Cleveland. We're tough!!
     
  16. Juice

    Juice
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    Germany

    Nazis.
     
  17. LessTalk MoreStab

    LessTalk MoreStab
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    Tasmaina

    Endless swathes of pristine forest in which to hide while shagging your sister. Lots of animals that want you dead and have been provided all the tools required to get the job done. Recently pipped as the home of the single largest mass shooting by a lone gunman. Bloody cold in the winter, bloody hot in the summer. Lots of pretty, old buildings and poor white kids who think they are black American gangsters.
     
  18. AlmostGaunt

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    America

    Land of the free, home of the brave, centre of the Universe! Let's face it: you damn sure wish you could visit us, because we are the greatest nation on Earth! Woo! Here you will find people who are dedicated to freedom, to success, and to believing their own propaganda. What you know about freedom, bitch? Fuck you. This is the land of the self made man! Where anybody can make it rich through sweat and sacrifice, and poor people are lazy idiot commies who should go back to where they came from. Visit America, and see the absolute best the world has to offer, in everything. If you don't like it, the terrorists win! Bacon strips, and bacon strips, and bacon strips. Haters.

    God bless.

    Italy
    Eyyy, welcome to Italy little lady! We aren't sure what you are doing out of the kitchen, but we are so glad to have you here! Admire the amazing works of art we developed centuries ago, while attempting to avoid getting scammed in ways you can't begin to imagine. Seriously, try to avoid it. No hard feelings, because you won't be able to. Wake up in the morning to the beautiful sounds of construction and Vespas, and wander the streets hearkening your ear to the sounds of catcalls and lewd suggestions. Experience our fantastic public transport system, which is considered foreplay for the many fat, hairy men you will be sandwiched against in the event you do manage to find a bus. Come again soon! We did.
     
  19. eric

    eric
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    At no extra charge, if you are Canadian and are staying within 50 km of another Canadian being murdered in our country, we will gladly pin the crime on you. Should you happen to leave our country before our fine, incorruptable police force can detain you we will kindly request your extradition back to Mexico to prolong your enjoyable stay.

    Unfortunately, the Canadian government and the RCMP are not a bunch of complete idiots and may politely tell us to go fuck ourselves, so your extradition may not be guaranteed.




     
  20. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Just call me Topher

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    New York City

    AYE! FAGEDDABOUT IT!!!! Yes, New York City is home to the world's most unfortunate accents, but it's also home to an impressive collection of skyscaping stone and iron erections thrusting sexily into the sky. You can visit the beautiful Dakota, where such beautiful things occured like the shooting death of John Lennon's and the shooting sight of Rosemary's Baby. Although you may think New Yorkers hate outsiders, they don't. They only hate YOU. And, they WILL let you know that they are INDEED walking there.

    If you need to travel around New York there are subways where you can be beaten severely by gangs or watch one man play seven intruments at the same time. If that isn't your style, take a clean and environmentally sound taxi, driven by a man who comes from a place where the only way to travel is by vines.

    And let us not forget the other burrows. NYC isn't just Manhattan, there's also Queens which is filled with working-class scum (aka Mets fans), Brooklyn which is filled with Hipster scum, The Bronx which is filled with Yankees fans scum, and Staten Island which is filled with the most debonair and articulate people on Earth.

    Come to New York. And die.