The "Sad Generation" and Partying

I'm 33. Our kid, born just 4.5 months ago, was a total accident that I wouldn't trade for all the "fun" in the world. My wife and I partied hard when we met, really hard. We were going to be irresponsible kids our whole lives. We were drunk on my sailboat, surrounded by fireworks shows on the Chesapeake Bay, when we decided to get married in 2010. Five days later we eloped.

We spent the first couple of years of our marriage drinking a more reasonable amount. We sailed all over the place, whenever we wanted. Lived on a 36' boat full time. Even before we found out she was pregnant our drinking had slowed considerably and we'd stopped all drugs. In 2014, I've drunk no more than 50 beers the entire year.

Even though our partying almost stopped long before our son, I still feel like we had to grow up fast. We sold the boat, got a house. A safe reliable vehicle purchased for its practicality and safety ratings, our first one of those together. I went back to work.

We miss the traveling, not the partying. That is something we can pick back up and can be shared with our son when he is older.

 

There are a lot of 20-somethings these days who watched their parents financially ruined by the market crash. They saw all that stress and even felt it in many cases. I'm sure there were many people that looked at all of that and said: "fuck it, I'm not playing that game".

As an outsider, as I'm older (mid thirties), I see a generation that has decided the hampster wheel isn't for them. I am envious of them, though, I find that I was programmed from a young age to do well in school in order to secure a good job, nothing more. I wouldn't know where to start but as I am a father now, I know that I won't push my kids like I was pushed. I want them to figure out what will make them happy and to follow it. I would rather teach my children to entrepreneurs than to be good employees.

FOCUS: When viewed strictly through a financial/economic prism, this decision by this generation will have catastrophic effects if it takes hold and endures. Our financial markets and housing markets, which are drivers of the economy, are predicated on fresh meat. If a whole generation decides not to play the game: lowers levels of high-wage earners, more renters, lower household formation numbers, and further drops in the birth rate in this country may be in for rough times ahead.

 

I feel like these articles pop up monthly. Just because cultural shifts are occuring and people are getting married/having kids later, doesn't mean there is some overwhelming immaturity. I'm frightingly close to 30, so its natural that my friends are starting to get married, but nobody has kids yet. I go out and get drunk most weekends, but like Juice, I'm not drinking well bullshit or quarter pitchers. But by this article, or "traditional standards", I'm avoiding growing up. But then again, I make close to 6 figures, I have my own apartment, successful acquired and paid off a loan to settle CC debt I got into in my early 20s. I fully intend to get married and have kids, but I dont know why living my life in my 20s before doing so is suddenly a bad thing.

 

I was about 10 years behind my folks in the major lifestyle milestones - got married when I was 32, had my first house at 33, and my daughter at 37. Considering that people live longer, and work longer, than 30 or 40 years ago, having an extended period of single, unattached adulthood seems like a natural progression.

The idea that "growing up" means you have to get married, buy a house and have kids is nearly universal in varying forms across all cultures, but it developed mostly subconsciously as a means of stabilizing socities and ensuring the successful procreation of the species withn religious and cultural frameworks.

This cultural imperative to "settle down" lives on today, but I think that model is dated. I've written before about how great my neighbors are, and how well we all get along. I just spent 2/3 of my weekend drinking with those folks. But the initial ties that brought us together were owning a home (we all live in the same neighborhood), and having kids (meeting each other at the public beach where I'd be less likely to go without a kid to keep occupied) or at school functions or sporting events. If we had no children, it would be likely that we wouldn't be as close to many of these folks, and if I was single guy living here, I might only be friendly with one or two guys at tops. Forget the women. It is a demonstrable fact that if you are a single guy in a pack of attached people, then most women view you as a danger that must be contained if not eliminated, lest you tempt their innocent husbands/boyfriends.

 

I'm 33 and single. I'm the general manager of two businesses, something I have worked my ass off for the last 15 years to achieve. I live comfortably, but deal with a lot of stress to do so. That being said, there's seldom a weekend that I don't go out with friends and blow off steam by getting shit-faced drunk.

In the rural area that I live in it's commonplace for people to get married in their early 20's, and have kids by the time they're 25. Their parents encourage this, and are always somehow surprised when they get a divorce 6-7 years later. I often get looked at weird by people when they find out that I've never been married at my age. I've even been accused of being gay, even though I'm a bit of a man whore and I've had several girlfriends over the years, one of them being a 6 year relationship. They wonder if something is wrong with me, if something happened that would make me slip through the cracks and wind up in my early 30's without ever settling down.

"Why don't you want to get married?" they ask. "Don't you want kids?"

The truth is that I'm in a part of my life where I have no desire to do these things. I have a career that, while I enjoy it, takes a lot of my time. The remainder of my time is spent on enjoying myself. My dad died of cancer at the age of 57 and one of the last things he said was "I wish I wouldn't have worked so damn hard". His only regret was not taking more time to live his life.

Someday when my career allows me more time I wouldn't mind having a kid or two, but I get bored quickly with relationships and seeing what my friends go through with their screaming kids doesn't help. They always say that they wouldn't trade it for the world, over the sound of high pitched shrieks and the faint smell of diarrhea and baby puke. Just the other day I had a friend tell me with tired, bloodshot eyes that "I wouldn't change a thing, but yeah. I don't get to sleep much anymore and the sex is definitely not what it used to be." Yikes.

Maybe someday I'll change, and my lifestyle will follow suit. If it does, that's fine, as long as I'm happy. But for now, I have no one to answer to but myself when I get home from work. No one gives me a hard time if I stay out until 3 AM. I have a great group of close friends and a nice rotation of fuck buddies. What more could a guy want?

 

I think it's a combination of things. On the one hand, I think that a lot of people don't really want this state of extended adolescence but don't have the tools to fake it as much as previous generations did. At least while we were growing up, people still imagined their future following more or less the same timeline and then everything shit the bed right when we were supposed to be starting it. So even the people who want to have the typical adult life and have been trying really hard to get there are going to have a later start because they're not finding the kinds of jobs or the kinds of relationships that allow them to do so. Then in the meantime, you figure you might as well take advantage of the good parts of a lifestyle where you're basically still in college with more money and your own life.

On the other hand, I think that there's a shift away from what's been the normal timeline so far because these shifts just tend to happen. One of the weirdest parts of becoming an adult is realizing just how much everyone around you also has no idea what the fuck they're doing and never has - including when you were a kid looking up to them as Grown Up. I think people have been unsatisfied with the Way it Goes for a while now, but couldn't really do much to stop it, and that no generation would have done things differently if they transitioned into the same world we did when we were typically expected to start meeting these milestones.

I'm about 3-4 years behind where I was expecting to be at this point of my life and I fucking hate it, but when I'm trying to calm myself down from having panic attacks about it, I realize that I still have so.much.time. I'm still over ten years away from where my parents were when they had me - my dad was still traveling the world as a hippie bum when he was my age. I love reading profiles of all these successful people when they were on a totally different course in their twenties, or when they made a huge career change or got their first big success 10, 20, even 30 years from where I am now. I think it's just gotten to that point where we see that pressure of that timeline is almost solely socially constructed now - even the biological clock is becoming less important - and that the crazed rush is kind of meaningless. So why participate, even if we could?

 

I skimmed the article, because this has been written about a lot. As JWags said, once a month.

Every time I read one of these questions, I keep coming to the same question. "Are we obligated to have children?" Because so much of it comes back to children, children and children. Home ownership doesn't prevent partying, staying out late, and all that stuff. Children do. Kim K put her ass out on the internet, not sure if you guys heard about it, and the biggest "rational" (quotes for a reason) backlash was that "SHE IS A MOTHER! WHAT ABOUT HER CHILDREN?"

Because if children are the line between mature and immature, then my SO and I are going to be immature forever. Neither of us want to have kids. Everyone thinks that she's going to change her mind. She's not and I'm not. We decided we rather travel, see the world and enjoy ourselves while we're here.

I just find it really odd to stop having fun, once you finally have the money and means to do it big. Backpacking around Europe and staying in hostels can be an experience. Flying around Europe and staying in 4 star hotels is WAY better. You can't do that shit at 22, and you sure as fuck can't do that at 28-32 (when you have the money) with an infant/toddler in the mix. It's just weird, once you "make it" all of that money just get diverted to someone else.

Now career wise and paycheck wise, I'm a little behind the ball 2-3 years due to a career change. Had to take a 10k paycut at the beginning of this year, that hurt. There are people 2-3 years younger than me with the same title. Just want to get back to making money so I can pay down college loans, credit cards and look at bigger ticket purchases without so much careful planning/living.

 

I love my kids, because they're my offspring and nature dictate there be a bond, but I don't get this parental coalition that wants EVERYONE to have kids. I mean kids have their moments, but free time, disposable income, skipping any holiday you want to, and sleep all kick a lot of ass too. The college experience is a lot of fun. If I could go back and extend that period of my life i would. And I feel really bad for my kids because I was not ready for them. They are dealing with the negatives of me trying to raise them and get my life going on a positive track right now. So at least don't have kids till you're prepared emotionally and financially for them. And if you don't want kids, I see no reason why anyone else should give a single fuck.

 

This has to be the underlying reason the phrase "Your college years are the best years of your life" comes from. It's because the ones who say this weren't ready for kids/adulthood and wish they were able to "not grow up" like this generation.

 

I know exactly when the party should end. Whenever you choose for it to. Christ, since when is it a bad thing that someone eschews the norm and does whatever the fuck they want?

I mean yeah, you could argue that someone, somewhere is being negatively affected by those actions, but that's true of just about anything. I'm sure that when I bought my home, a half dozen people were shit out of luck and disappointed. Doesn't mean I shouldn't have made an offer. You deal and you move on, as best you can.

The point is, live whatever life you want to live. Think ahead a bit if you can, but don't punish yourself with endless planning and forethought. You know, unless that's what you want in and of itself.

 

I don't know.
My kids are older. Yeah, they cost money (sweet Jesus the dollars I spend on food alone is irritating. Throw in the cost of sports...ehhhh.) but they're also fairly independent on all fronts. As long as there's food in the house, they're pretty low maintenance. Husband and I can take off for 2 weeks and tell the kids not to burn the house down, and things are okay.

I have a coworker who at nearly 30 years of age lives in her mom's basement, has an 8 year old son, works at a job that can't provide for her and him, hasn't divorced her husband yet (after FIVE YEARS or so), doesn't have herself on insurance (her son's on Medicaid, so that's a start), and spends more time away from her son fucking around than she does trying to actively parent him.

She does the 'fun things' like go out with her friends and drink and party and maybe she'll come home to him and maybe she won't.

Is it wrong to look at her and say "When are you going to grow the fuck up?"

 

So coming from someone who has freely told people that my early 20s, post-college, were just as good as my college years, I have a different take. As I mentioned, at 29 I'm still "not matured" as the article dictates, so its not like I'm looking back wistfully, but the difference in college was a unity of mindset. By and large, most of your peers are trying to party, have fun and take it all in, mess around, just take in the experience. Post-college, while its great to have money and things, even those who aren't settling down have differing priorities. Dedication to work/career, money issues/saving, different preferences for going out, it just gets a bit more fragmented. So yea, I definitely miss college even when I have a pretty great socially life over the last 5-6 years.

Absolutely not. To me, being "grown up" is having a sense of responsibility and taking care of your business. Whether that is being a good parent to your children or a single person who pays their rent and does their job acceptably at work, regardless of weekend activities. I'm not gonna judge a 20 something for doing what they want with their life, but if that person starts letting life choices negatively effect children, pets, or others? Then yes, grow the fuck up you idiot.

 

Blah blah blah, economics determine when/how/if you get married and raise kids nowadays wah wah wah Recession living wage college degree a necessity

How about this: none of you married fuckers make it look any fun and I'd rather get a tumor than a baby. No way a tumor isn't sorted out in 18 years.

Also, it's not that our generation is partying more, it's that we are partying later. Drinking and drugging rates are at the lowest in history for high schoolers and college students. They can't afford to fuck around. At $3k a semester, sure get too drunk and miss a class. At $17k, you're a fucking idiot who doesn't need to be there anyway.

I have a friend who busted her ass to get into and through pharmacy school as quickly as possible. Now that she did, she has a six figure job with nothing to do on her days off except get wasted. So she does. She's not ready for marriage and she basically postponed all her boozing until she was a stable adult.

 

I guess this is how I feel about adulthood:



In some ways, I appear not to be that typical millenial stuck in a prolonged adolescence. I have a good job, I've done some neat things, I don't have any debt, and while I drink regularly, I'm hardly a hard party-goer (and I do kind of dislike how everyone my age still loves to play beer pong and flip cup). But I hardly even feel like a little kid trying to hold up a facade of adulthood - I feel like a little kid without any cover and am amazed nobody's figured me out yet. The trappings of adulthood aren't a valid measure. Their presence doesn't indicate adulthood any more than their absence indicates immaturity.

 

Isn't any way I could have handled a kid in my twenties, that would have been a train wreck. I think the notion of having kids in your twenties is starting to fade, at least on the coasts. Here in the south it's still baby making time all the time.

I am in a good spot for kids now and if everything had gone to plan I would be a dad in a month or so. But life kicks you in the balls every now and again.

I like my beer,bbq and the beach. I can do all those with with a kid or two so I have no problem knocking the old lady up at this point in my life.