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The reason: Irreconcilable differences

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by villagebicycle, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. redbullgreygoose

    redbullgreygoose
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    I've been having a similar problem. I'm 19 and currently involved with a 87 year old woman. Her only child (daughter) is 375 pounds and currently locked up at a correctional facility about 20 miles north of the Nursing Home. Since this woman's daughter won't be having grand children we've been thinking of having our own. The only problem is that she went through menopause 40 years ago and the woman from the adoption agency told us we would get a kid "when hell freezes over". What do I do?
     
  2. Natty

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    Not going to be long_winded here, but I have dated older and now one of those "lame-ass" people that are married and thinking about kids. I'm 30 however.

    If she treats you well, and as intellectual and emotional equal, and you know that you love her...there's no reason not to have a real conversation about it with her.
    And even though I've seen people raise more kids, on less money, one of the most important things is to ensure the child can be properly cared for. Emotionally and financially.

    You wouldn't Be asking if you weren't interested. Explore what needs to be explored, and make your decision. Something tells me you'll make the right one for you.
     
  3. villagebicycle

    villagebicycle
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    Woah, fellas, when did I ever say I was ready to tie the knot and make some babies?

    Obviously these are tasks I am nowhere near to be ready for. Frankly, I was hoping to read a bunch of depressing stories about other breakups, but the alt. focus somehow became the main focus.

    Also, in her defense, she isn't crazy or anything, knows I don't want kids, and isn't pushing it at all. Next, the average woman's income in the US is around 31 grand. Making nearly three times the average is pretty fucking successful if you ask me...and she still finds the time to cook and do my laundry! Sorry, had to throw in a sexist joke in there. Plus I think 80k in Canada money translates to roughly 7 USD, so I apologize for the confusion, I live in Chicago.

    It's been 8 months. Of course I don't know that she's "the one" and all that nonsense, and we're just going with the flow and seeing how shit will work out. I am pretty sure one of us will drop the "we are in different points in our lives" line within the coming months, and I am sure we will stay good friends.

    Thanks for the advice, harsh/terrible as it may be. Honestly, I think shegirl (via pm) and natty gave the best tips. I'll keep you all posted. Keep the reiterations of "you're a dumbass" comin'.
     
  4. Aetius

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    Just a quick anecdote to highlight what everyone else is saying:

    My parents met at the age of fifteen. They were married by the age of twenty two. They still waited until they were thirty to have kids.
     
  5. Samr

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    I'm 21, she's 20, and we're about to get married in a few months. We got engaged at 20/19, after nine months of dating. I was then, just like I am now, absolutely 100 percent certain this is not only what I want, but who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am also 100 percent certain that she feels the same.

    Among the many contributing factors to this working, I've been working consistently (family business) for the past seven years, have a stable income, and know what my future will hold. Maturity wise, neither of us were your typical fuck-randoms-and-do-shots college kids; I spent the majority of my college life dealing with the emotional side-effects of a near-death brain tumor incident, whereas she's spent the past few years trading roles with her mother, who has debilitating migraines. While we like to go out and have fun together, neither of us has that desire to party hard and go wild. We both had to grow up REAL fucking quick. So for us, this works.

    I tell you this because I don't know where you are. Only you do. For you, this may work. Life may be short in some instances, but you have a long fucking time to make some serious decisions. Don't commit to (or break apart from) something or someone on impulse; people like to say no regrets, but there's some decisions -- which could be otherwise avoidable if you were honest with yourself, and thought about it -- that haunt you.

    Yeah, my fiance and I have really gone at it a few times, over some really significant things, but we both agree that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other, and no one else. For some people, what we have done works. For the majority, it won't.

    If you don't want kids or don't have the ability/desire to be financially stable right now (that's not a bad thing), just talk to her about it. Maybe she'll understand, maybe she won't. You're going to have to make a lot of compromises down the road and there's some things you won't come to terms on. If this is a sticking point, well, then the saying is more appropriate here. Life can be short, so only plan a long one with someone who fits like a puzzle with YOU.

    (In regard to your focus, I was my fiance's literal first, and she was my first significant relationship. Sorry, can't help you with that story. I would if I had one though.)
     
  6. Idaho_Vandal

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    I'm a young guy, younger than you. So I am not going to pretend that I know what you should do.

    I just hope that you realize you are asking for advice from a bunch of cynical assholes who don't know you. I;m sure some of the advice is with good intent and may even be valid but take it with a grain of salt.
     
  7. Nettdata

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    The Group Hug forum is HERE
     
  8. dixiebandit69

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    Are you prepared to have to deal with the bitter woman she might/will become? A woman who tries to turn your child against you at every turn, a woman who you can tell holds resentment towards said child because he/she resembles you and shares your traits and ideosynchrasies? Are you prepared to see her shack up with a bunch of douche bags after you two break up, and be OK with those guys trying in their pathetic way to be father figures to your child? Are you prepared to be cut off from that child's life if she so chooses (it might not be completely legal, but you might be surprised how money can bend custodial law)? Are you prepared to deal with the possibility that the money you send to your kid's mom is being used to buy pot for her loser boyfriend?
    When you have a child with a woman, she has an invisible rope tied around your nuts (if you care about the kid. Even if you don't, there is still the legal system to come after you.).

    With all that said, I love my son, and his birthday is tomorrow!
     
  9. Maltob14

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    He's right, my parents had me in their mid-twenties and say I was the biggest mistake of their lives. Don't make that same mistake dude.
     
  10. Supertramp

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    I think telling your kid that he was the single biggest mistake in your life is among the worst things you can ever tell him. The others being the following:

    1. You're adopted, surprise!
    2. We prefer your brother/sister to you.
    3. You're the reason we're getting a divorce.
    4. Your baby sitter caught a glimpse of you masturbating and told us, you're in big trouble young man.
    5. Son, I'm gay and all your friends now know it. Especially the bullies.
    6. Johnny's dad beat the shit out of me, son. I guess Johnny was right.
    7. We like your best friend much more than you. He's so well-mannered and nice.
    8. Santa Claus exists... but he just ignores you because he hates you. Jerk.
    edit
    9. Son, I post online under the moniker 'Scootah', and you know that locked door under the stairs? It actually leads to the basement, follow me; I'll give you a tour.
     
  11. CYbrosis7

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    Get the Snip, and don't tell her shit.

    If she loves you and stays with you - she's worth it, even if she cant get pregnant.

    If she leaves you, she wasn't the "one" anyway.

    This is the only way to get the most possible amount of pussy without putting either of you in tears.

    If this goes on for more than 5 years and you two are still going strong, get it reversed and make plenty of children.
     
  12. The Village Idiot

    The Village Idiot
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    I will give you the best advice possible:

    Run.

    Run and don't look back. I'm keeping it simple in the hopes that you can actually follow the advice.

    Run.

    Run.

    Run.

    Getting the picture yet? Don't ask me to explain, just suffice it to say there are way more red flags in your post than good things.

    Run.

    You will thank me later.
     
  13. Superfantastic

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    At the risk of being off-topic, can someone explain to me why "you're adopted" is considered such an insult? One of the few things I know about the adoption process is that it's really fucking difficult. Seems to me, the only way you can be 100% sure that you weren't a mistake is that if you were adopted. Telling your kid he or she is adopted sounds like the equivalent of saying, "we really wanted to have you, to the point we were willing to be judged and scrutinized by a government(?) organization to see if we even qualify for the honour of rasing you like you were our flesh and blood." In a perfect world, I think, every parent would have to go through the same process to even conceive a child.

    As for the topic, I don't think he sounds quite as retarded as most of the given advice suggests, and we should reserve judgement until he posts her pics in the booby thread.
     
  14. The Village Idiot

    The Village Idiot
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    Boobs: Why men have tolerated the crazy since Eve.
     
  15. Maltob14

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    Lets get back on topic guys.
     
  16. villagebicycle

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    No booby thread pics, guys, sorry. They are quite nice, though.

    Anyways, I don't think I made this point clear enough: she knows I don't want kids, or at least not within the next 5 to 10 years. She is no way pushing, or even hinting, at having kids. I just feel like (know that) she can do better than me as far as career and family goals go. There is no signs of crazy, no weird attachment issues, etc. and I have enough experience to recognize those things early.

    I just randomly had this odd feeling that I am wasting her time, and I feel a bit guilty for doing that since I know she has the looks/personality to find a guy who's older, more successful, and more career/family oriented than I am. Who knows, maybe this relationship is her last hurrah to going out all the time, getting googly eyed, traveling, and doing fun stuff before adulthood finally sets in and sucks the soul out of her via stressful job, snot-nosed babies, and successful yet boring husband. At least that's how I see it. I don't want the relationship to end, but I want her to be happy. Hopefully she dumps eventually, as strange as it sounds, because citing "I'm wasting your time, find someone better" as a breakup excuse is pathetic and selfish in a way.

    I know in the initial post I said "she's talking about pumping out kids" but that was more so for comedic effect. I didn't intend for this to be discussed at such lengths. Sadly, the main intended focus of the thread was to hear YOUR failures/messy breakups/divorces to give insight as to what to avoid. It was changed to the alternative focus of my problems, and much of the advice received has been very helpful and serious. Thank you all for that.
     
  17. shegirl

    shegirl
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    Redemption Seeking Whore

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    Mo betta.

    I repped you when this went up to the Suggestion Board, because it's true:
     
  18. Primer

    Primer
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    Then what's the point of this thread? You've already answered your own questions on where this relationship is going. I can see this relationship going one of two ways; 1) You break up in the next week or 2) She pokes holes in the condoms and "forgets" to take her birth control.

    Seriously, selfish? For who exactly, yourself? Sure, keep telling yourself that Captain White-knight. I'm not sure if this is some self-validating way of making yourself want this relationship but get your head out of your ass.
     
  19. Guy Fawkes

    Guy Fawkes
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    Have you talked to her about any of this?

    Since it appears that you're putting her longterm happiness over your short term pleasure?/needs I'd say sit down and have an honest conversation with her.

    She falls into one of two categories as far as I can tell from your description of what she says and how she acts. The first category is that she's viewing your relationship as a serious endeavor and believes that you'll come around or mature quickly in the next two years or so and be ready for a family.

    Or she's doing what many of the 30ish working women I know do and she's playing up the stereotype of settling because it's what shes supposed to do. When I hear "baby" I freak out and go into alarm mode thinking the woman is poking holes in my rubbers. I think of it as an immediate need like me talking about "getting a beer", if I'm talking about it then I want it. Women are different. They can talk about having kids and use the words soon, someday, etc and really mean a few years down the road.

    At 22 I had an idea about what I wanted to do with myself and while it wasn't exactly what I'm doing now I wasn't far off my mark. When you look into your own future can you even contemplate being married let alone having kids in the next couple years?
     
  20. Chirpy

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    Sigh.

    Boy does that piss me off. I fucking hate it when guys pull this crap and "wait for her to do the breaking up." Some of my friends and even my former fiancee pulled this move and it's incredibly cowardly and selfish. Pussies.

    Here's what I see: you have a pretty clear vision of what's happening in this relationship and yet in your attempt in being unselfish, you're actually being completely selfish. You know you're not going to end up with her so pull the trigger and stop wasting her time. If you really do care about her and want her to be happy, then actually do something about it and let her be free to explore and find someone new--someone who shares the same goals and aspirations for the future. Or follow what Fawkes said and actually have a conversation with her about what she sees for her future with you. But either way, with any of the above listed advice, you're going to have to man up and simply grow a set.