The other talk

Dan Shapiro wrote a letter to his daughters about weed. After reading it, I tend to agree with his point of view, having experienced the things that I have in the past and gaining a, lets say, broader insight and understanding of the situation.

Focus:
Discuss the article. We've done the hypothetical sex talk here--and subsequently what our parents told us--but what if you find your kid with weed? What do you want them to know before they even get to that point? Did your parents tell you anything?

As for me, I'd like to think that my philosophy would generally mirror the one presented in the article. It's a slippery slope when you get into this stuff, though. With the sex talk, you can give your kid condoms to make sure they're being safe. At the same time, that almost acts as permission to start banging away. With drugs, there's no condom, no safe guard. They're either in you or they're not. You want your kids to make good decisions, but as a parent you can only do so much. Frankly, I'm glad I'm not a parent, so I've got plenty of time to figure this out.

 

If I ever procreate, I will be honest with my kids about the effects, and subsequently dangers of drugs. My brother for instance is a giant stoner, and always exclaims "its just weed." Yes weed isn't really as bad for you as people would lead you to think, but that shit is illegal and can get you in trouble. I would almost rather my offspring smoke a little pot as opposed to developing a love affair with the bottle like I have. That being said, I will lie through my fucking teeth about my past to my children, at least until they're grown. Some may call me a hypocrite, but as the old saying goes, "Do as I say not as I do."

 

My parents never gave the 'pot talk.'

I dabbled with pot here and there throughout high-school, but I spent so much time at church and at Christian summer camps that they surely felt comfortable knowing that their only child wasn't a stoner.

When I moved out on my own I learned first-hand that a lot of radio people blaze. When I worked up north, my neighbor was a habitual smoker, and I'd join him on occasion.

My pot use remains minimal to this day. I'd definitely call myself a recreational blazer. If somebody I trust has offered me the chance to toke up with them I generally won't refuse. I've never purchased my own pot, and if heaven help me if you ask 'me' to do the rolling.

My Dad is aware that I have and still do indulge in pot, and he seems rather indifferent to it. His mentality is: "Don't get caught. Don't do it before or during work. And don't get caught."

Having never had the 'talk' about pot, I turned out alright, and have never really had the desire to try any other drugs.

 

The most my parents ever told me about drugs was not to do them, they barely had a sex talk with me for that matter. Weird considering they were fundamentalist Christians and attempted to raise me the same, I would have thought those two things would be heavily discouraged by them throughout my teenage years. Subsequently everything I learned about drugs was how amazing they were from friends and I used somewhat heavily through the last years of high school and fall semester of college. I ended up dropping out of college after fall semester of my freshman year because I did so terrible at school.

Should I ever procreate I plan on being forthcoming about my drug use and it's lasting effects upon my life. Really all I can do is give the basic facts, tell my experience to my kids, and hope that they choose not to do drugs, and if they do to at the very least be responsible and choose work before pleasure.

 

I went grades 6-12 at a small, private (mostly white) preparatory/boarding school. Everyone had a mercedes and a cocaine habit by the time they were 16; I was slightly out of place with my truck and case of Coors. So I was very familiar with the various "common" drugs, as was I in regard to how easy it was to cover your habit from your parents.

Weed is fun. I liked the process of making the those elaborate MacGyver bongs out of tin foil, a mango, two tooth picks, the filter from your parent's faucet, a pen cap and a paper clip, as I did the actual weed. I smoked occasionally, maybe once a month to a month and a half, max.

But it's illegal. And until the day it becomes legalized (in my opinion, hopefully sooner rather than later), I will never buy it, or do it in front of anyone but family. I haven't smoked in about three years or so, and have no real desire to do it again for the afore-mentioned reason.

I'll tell my kids (when I have them) that it's fun, and it's illegal, and I'll explain to them the consequences of doing it. I almost killed myself in my truck while stoned, and I'll use that story as an example. But then I'll tell them that doing it isn't the end of the world, and if for whatever not-recommended reason they have weed, they're welcome to smoke it at the house around family and without friends that can make me liable (hell, I might even join them). I mean, kids are going to do what kids are going to do. But, if they even THINK about doing it outside the safety (physically and legally) of our own home, there's massive hell to pay.

And yes, I will explain this to them, probably sooner rather than later (my family has all tried weed around the 13-14 year mark).

Same reasoning goes for alcohol. Don't do it, but if you're going to do it anyway, you're welcome to do it here, with me, in moderation.

Cigarettes -- I was addicted, and I had to quit, which was insanely difficult. Cigarettes, similar to weed, are awesome. So don't try them, and you won't know what you're missing. My kids will hear that as well.

 

My mom told me that she tried it a couple of times in college. Although, when it comes to things like this, a "couple" is relative. I don't think that counts as a real talk though.

This is actually a subject that I've been thinking about a lot recently and I'd like some input on my observations. It seems to me like the kids who start using substances, be they alcohol, pot, or something else, end up just being mentally slower than people who start on the same stuff later on in life. I know some kids from my home town who started with weed when we were in 7th or 8th grade and I don't know if a single one of them is in college now. They seemed to be bright kids before then but after a couple of years of regular use they seemed like they were actually retarded. Whether this is purely psychological or actually neurological, I don't know. I also know exceptions to this observation, which is why this is so confusing.

What would I do if I were a parent? It all depends on the age and temperament of the kid. If I had a 13-year-old that was smoking weed I would bring the hammer down regardless of whether they're a good kid or not because of my above observation. If the kid is going to screw up anyway, that's another issue. I just don't want to think about what could have been if it weren't for the weed.

On the other hand, if you have an older kid who is intelligent, challenges themselves in school, and is otherwise studious and attentive who comes home stoned every now and then I say leave them be...to a certain point. If they start slacking off and can't keep it together then it's time to say something. I wouldn't be as harsh as I would be with the younger hypothetical kid but I wouldn't make it seem like it was a suggestion either.

Like everything else, moderation is key. For every heavy stoner who writes the next Cheech and Chong movie there are legions of 7-11 managers.

 

I only smoked weed 3 times in the dorms of freshman year. My roommate was a huge pothead; the first time, the guys on the floor pretty much decided I was going to smoke it. So I did. Oh well.

The best argument that can be made against pot use, sadly, is that it's illegal, and who wants to get denied a security clearance or potential career because they experimented with weed a few times in high school. I'd like to see that changed, but until that point, that's the line I'd take with the kids. Well, that, and the point brought up in the article, which was it had better not have any external consequences like failing out of school or that shit.

 

The general message was if I ever tried them I'd end up crazy and penniless in a ditch somewhere. Yep. One hit from a bong would lead to a life in ruins.

My very Hank Hill-esqe dad said that if he ever caught me smoking he'd have me sit down and smoke a pack all at once in front of him. What's ironic is that he was a smoker until my mom was pregnant with me...and the last time around extended family he and my uncles told stories about their college days in Austin during the 60's. Weed? Yes. Drinking out of kegs in moving convertables before noon and getting pulled over by Austin Police? Yes. Hair down to his shoulders and molester moustache? Yep. Grateful Dead concerts? Being an idiot shit-for-brains sleeping on the beach in Galveston? Yes and yes. Now he's the Man. I think his younger self would disapprove.

 

While the full extent of my drug use is largely unknown by my parents, my mother knows that I smoke(d) weed, done mushrooms and mdma. I wouldn't say that she is happy with my drug use, to be fair, what parent would? However she knows that I'm not a complete idiot and that I know my drugs, the effects and precautions to take to limit the damage and in most cases, take them in an environment where I am (relatively) safe to do so.
It's gotten to the point where she asks me about any new medication she is prescribed before taking them (to be fair, she is currently in India at the moment so the brand names of the drugs differ greatly from what she is used to) and last year brought me back over a thousand valium and xanax.
I realised that after she found out I smoked weed, that she would naturally worry that I'm doing drugs and putting myself in danger and that it was far better for her to know (to an extent) what I was doing and that I was doing them in a most responsible and informed manner possible.

In regards to my future kids... Not to sound too old, but drugs are changing man. In the past few years, so many research chemicals which previously were largely unobtainable by most users are now readily available from a decent dealers. Worryingly, drugs like mephedrone (which is rather fun) are easily bought over the net and is seemingly everywhere at the moment, however being a relatively new drug with very little long term usage studies, it is impossible at this point to fully comprehend the long term effects of using such drugs. it really worries me seeing kids (well, 18 year olds, but still) using the stuff thinking because its legal (for now) that it is safe.

I don't think I would divulge my drug past to my kids until they've reached their late teens and are undoubtedly going to be exposed to drugs and even then I would probably explain the risks and focus more on the negatives than tell them of all of the great times I have had on drugs but stress that I would rather know what they are doing, that worrying about what they could be doing.

 

I never really had the "drug talk" with my parents, and I was able to hide my weed use from them... until I got caught. When I did get caught they really just told me to be careful and not drive. Fast forward a few years and my mom and I are smoking weed together. My mom and I are very honest with each other about what we are doing, and even though I don't tell her everything that I do (MDMA, occasionally) we talk about drug use, and I think that it really is good that we can talk about it, and I know if I ever did start having drug problems I could tell her and she would help me, instead of getting mad.

As far as how I will approach the issue with my own children, I will most likely ask them about what they are doing, and try to be accepting, and helpful, instead of mad, because I know that it is virtually impossible to grow up without being exposed to drugs.

 

I think I might be the only person to encourage their kids to try at at a reasonable age. I started in senior year of High School. Did it infrequently until Sophomore year of college when I studied abroad. There I met a girl who was pretty into it, and I happened to know someone where I studied who knew someone who dealt. This made me the only person with a weed source in our whole program. I began selling, first small amounts, eventually O's weekly. I got caught. I got caught because I sold to someone who lived with an RA and the genius smoked in her room while the RA was there. She smelled it, busted her and her friend, who then ratted me out. I had a big trial with all these administrators and I almost got kicked of the program but by denying all the way through, I got away with it. (At the end of it, the head of the program called me an asshole to my face.) I stopped selling but didn't stop smoking at all.

I was at my worst when I returned from studying abroad to my boring hometown and smoked every day, several times a day at home. Somehow, never got caught. After 2 weeks of that though, I was burnt out and have gradually slowed down to maybe once a month now, if that.

As far as my kids go, I will encourage them to try it. Weed changed some things for me. It is very enjoyable and changes your perspective on a lot of things. It expanded my music taste tenfold and made me a bigger art consumer. I also think it helps in thinking about some things. Personally, I find that I am good at picking up on my self-deceptions when I'm high. It also has helped me be creative (I came up with the idea for my undergraduate thesis while sitting on the subway stoned off my ass.)

Of course, I will tell them about my experience; hopefully this will teach them to use in moderation, and never ever ever start dealing. I want them to try it for the effects of the altered cognitive state, but will hope they don't become stoners. I hope to also make them avid learners and critical thinkers so they know how to regard the "insights" they have when they are stoned.

Basically, yes I want them to try it, but under very particular preconditions.

 

This is generally what I would tell my kids about/my feelings about pot.

I think one of the big dangers with pot is that it's so sneaky. It only lasts a couple hours, there's no hangover, no calories, it's not addictive like cigarettes, etc., so it 's easy to to just let yourself go and do it all the time.

I started out as a "visitor" as the author called them, just smoking every few weeks. Doing that had 0 negative impact on my life, so I thought "why not do it some more?" Over the course of about a year, I became an every day pot smoker. As of right now, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm a "stoner."

It's not like crack or heroin--I don't HAVE to smoke pot, so it's easy to tell myself "look, I'm doing fine at my job, I still hang out with friends," etc. Pot doesn't make you hit rock bottom, it just sucks up all your free time if you're not careful. I work out way less, I procrastinate more, and I can't seem to get started on any big writing projects that I've been meaning to do for a fucking year.

So, basically, I would tell my kid to be careful. Pot is NOT as bad as all the propaganda says, but it's also by no means harmless. Don't let it sneak up on you.

 

I don't agree with the not smoking because it's illegal. That is unless you plan on going into law enforcement or something similar.

The day I let our government dictate my lifestyle is the day I roll over and die. The government is to serve the people, not the other way around. The fact that pot was criminalized to hurt the hemp industry is bullshit. The fact that we increase our trade deficit because hemp looks too much like pot is insane. If you never question the government, a dictatorship is close behind. Pot will be legal within 5 years anyways, prohibition never works.

I fall into the self-medicated smoker. My mind is spinning 24/7 and I can rarely sit still. This is good for my business, because it's high pressure. But after hours, I can't turn it off.

So I was prescribed an anti-anxiety med that worked for a few months and slowly wore off. Instead of being prescribed another pill with no long term studies, I smoked to relax. I'll prefer a plant over a chemical that may or may not turn me into Heath Ledger or Brittany Murphy.

I've had to quit recently because my wife and I are trying to have a kid. Pot can reduce your sperm count by 50%, and it hasn't been tough. Just different, similar to any habit. Just got to find other things to fill the time with.

After I submitted a sample yesterday, I found out that my anti-anxiety med had reduced my count to near zero. So yeah, fuck pills.

I'll be completely honest with my kids at the right age. The idiots at D.A.R.E. should prove that lying to kids is counter productive.

 

Shit, I figure I'm going to have to have a "no sex tape" talk with my daughter. It will go like this:

"Sweetie, do you know what a jackass your brother is? Yeah, all boys are like that, if not worse. Don't ever tape or photograph anything, because boys are jackasses."

Focus: My wife's Irish family has two alcoholic uncles and three of her cousins are already in rehab and/or 12 step programs. The Polish drunks in my side of the family are so far just smart enough to avoid having to quit. My version of the talk will be something like "Don't end up like your Mom's Uncle Pat."

 

Any one who lies to their kids about their use or about the realities of drugs is a shitty parent. My dad sat me down my freshman year of high school and laid it all out for me. What he had done, why he did, why he liked it, and why he ended up quitting. Frankly, if he had told me that he didn't do drugs, I wouldn't believe him. He grew up in Brooklyn in the 60's and early 70's. He went to woodstock. Lets be serious. At the same time, he talked to me about being responsible about it and the issues my Uncle (mom's side) had with smack for much of his adult life. It put everything in perspective and when I started using drugs I had a general idea of what to expect and wasn't pissed off for being lied to and overwhelmed when I realized the enjoyment of recreational drug use. I feel it worked very well with me and I intend to do the same for my kids.

Its the same as this nonsense with abstinence only sex ed. Kids are gunna fuck and do drugs, wouldn't they be better off educated about the realities of the situation instead of being lied to and fed propaganda.

 

My kids have seen first hand the effects of drug and alcohol abuse and we talk about it all the time, so a formal sit-down with them isn't necessary. My youngest broke her arm a few weeks ago and was prescribed hydrocodone at the ER. She asked me, "Isn't that the stuff House takes?" When I told her yes, she refused the Rx and said she'd be fine with Advil.

 

My parents at one point tried to get a bit huffy when it came to weed, but I constantly trumped them on two things:

1) I know ten times more facts about marijuana then they do
2) My parents met in 1967. If they WEREN'T doing pot or acid, then THEY were the real weirdos.

 

That was a really good article and I completely agree with his stance on weed. That being said I must admit that I've never tried pot or had the pot/drug talk with my parents. Growing up I was never really in any situations that allowed me to try it. That along with the fact that I was born with a congenital heart condition so I was always worried if there were any bad effects from smoking really didn't give me much of an incentive to try it. I have always told one of my friends that when he turns 30 I'm going to show up with some to try. I think I've said it enough that I better follow up on it or be prepared to be taunted for being all talk. Come to think of it his 30th birthday is in June, I think I better start researching to see if this shit will kill me.

Any suggestions for a first time?