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The Non-Monogamy Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by tweetybird, Oct 17, 2013.

  1. tweetybird

    tweetybird
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    Have you ever been in a non-monogamous relationship or marriage? How did you decide to do it? What are your rules/guidelines? How do you find other people to get it on with?

    Cheating doesn't count, folks. This is mutually consensual non-monogamy.

    Alt Focus: Would you, could you bone other people within the context of a long term relationship? Why or why not?

    (Brought to you by tweetybird and Mr. tweetybird, both of whom have no time for jealousy and like to appreciate others of the opposite sex, but who are too damn lazy/uninformed to put any sort of plan into action.)
     
  2. shegirl

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    Bumpage Bitches.
     
  3. crazy asian

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    I dated a few swingers. It's an interesting scene, especially considering there are so many types of poly play. One would never hook up with anyone else, but wanted me to have sex with other men. Another wanted us both to play with other couples. This was during my way-more-experimental years and I didn't really have a strong opinion either way. At 24, I think I am very aware that I could never sustain a polyamorous relationship. In context, poly play can actually bring a couple closer together, and it did for me at that time. But maybe I'm turning into not-so-crazy-asian.

    Where do threesomes lie on this scale? Because from a mono/poly perspective people have wildly different views.
     
  4. Sicnevol

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    Im in one now. Im dating two adorable little bi boys and Ive got a date this weekend with a husband and wife couple who are looking for a third. Im not usually into women but she's pretty attractive and is cool with my rule of not putting my face in a vagina.

    Current rules with the boys are that we all teal each other about our other relationships/dates etc. No one is allowed secrets in that area. The other rule is safe sex all the time, no exception and if anyone breaks this rule they are out of the group.

    Other then that we make time for each other when ever we can or when its requested and thats it. I don't care if they date other women or other couples, or swing or whatever. Its got nothing to do with me.

    Best part: Built in three-somes.
     
  5. Noland

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    I failed sharing in kindergarten. Not my thing.
     
  6. Binary

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    "Two adorable little bi boys" sounds like a phrase you'd use at an adoption agency. I find it rather disturbing to read in the context of discussing whose junk is being inserted into which holes.
     
  7. mya

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    Ditto, I just can't imagine getting off on watching my husband being with another. And if it was all done separately then I would just drive myself insane wondering what was going on. The fact that I was also able to act on attractions/lust just wouldn't be worth it. To me the whole thing just seems messy and complicated with high probability of imploding in my face. Things are pretty good now, why purposefully muck it up.
     
  8. Juice

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    Compared to my other sexual partners, the sex life with my girlfriend is fairly mundane from an experimentation standpoint. However our overall relationship makes up for it where it doesn't even matter. I could not get on board with watching her fuck another guy, I think it would be too upsetting. And as for her, it took convincing to get her to do doggy style, so I can't imagine her reaction to the suggestion of bringing in another woman.
     
  9. JPrue

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    Question for the people in open relationships: when you go out and get with another person, is it just one time, to get it out of your system? Or does it occur frequently within a relationship? Does it bring you closer to your significant other now that you don't lust for others as much?
     
  10. crazy asian

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    I'm not in one right now, but maybe this will still be relevant. Hopefully.

    It's an interesting question because there are so many polyamorous/poly play relationships with so many different dynamics.

    Poly can be necessary, or an option, or tolerated. It can happen once in awhile, every weekend, or maybe you're in a committed relationship with more than one person. There aren't any rules except the ones you set. Maybe you play with everyone involved, maybe your partner listens to you over the phone, or watches from the side, or listens to you tell the story later, or maybe you don't tell them anything, maybe you solely have multipartner sex. It's up to those involved.

    Sometimes it brings those involved closer together; sharing in such an intimate and important experience with someone can really solidify compatibility and be romantically affirming. This has happened to me, and it was really rewarding. It can also do the opposite, and highlight blaring incompatibility which may lead to unhappiness and jealousy, and ultimately, an end to the relationship (committed or not).

    Important to remember; just like monogamous relationships, it can be healthy and loving, or it can go horribly wrong. Maybe one of the partners is uncomfortable with the idea, maybe someone isn't ready, maybe jealousy blooms, maybe you suddenly crave monogamy. All of these things can happen, and it's normal and to be expected. Hope for the best but like any other romantic/sexual endeavor, there is an incredible amount of trust placed in people other than yourself, which is scary.

    Happy playing, everybody.
     
  11. Kubla Kahn

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    The creeping nag of jealousy for me is way too strong to consider an open relationship. Hell Im not even good at FWB situations as my natural inclination is to direct it toward a more serious relationship, which is not the usual for a lot of guys. I know normal relationships fall apart and people will find others they are attracted to more then yourself. If I was in a serious relationship and let the girl hook up with someone else and she ended up becoming attached to that person ending our relationship? Shit would crush my ego with jealous and envy and all the shit that throws you for emotional loops. Shit is why I refuse to cheat on a SO, hurts bad enough that I wouldn't subject someone I might (have) care about to such torment. Break up like adults then find the next person you want to bang.


    Also, not to be a buzz kill but every time I read the words "poly play" it's like nails on a chalk board or Styrofoam being rubbed together. I don't know why, just is.
     
  12. shimmered

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    I've had threesomes, and at the time they were enjoyable, and in the same situation with the same people I'd probably do it again...
    But in my current relationship - no.
    I'm not insecure or jealous or anything like that, but I am selfish. While I recognize how hot previous experiences were, I have no interest in repeating them with The Husband.
     
  13. Parker

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    I agree, it is too cutesy for what it is. Also one of those annoying let's give something another name it doesn't need.

    Reading this thread is interesting as shit because there is no way I could share my significant other, especially if I had to pay for dates and put in all this time to get her to be with me. Like Kubla, the FWB has always gotten steered towards a relationship. It also comes down to priority. I don't want to hit you up and hear "I can't fuck you tonight because I'm fucking someone else." That shit doesn't fly.

    I would like to be in a threesome one time, but that's only because I want to experience eating pussy and fucking a girl at the same damn time. Which you actually can't do with one girl, unless there is something no one is telling me.
     
  14. Sicnevol

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    Thats pretty much exactly it. The kind of non mono relationships you have depend on what you want and the type of people you're involved with.

    Personally, I go for multiple situations that could be defined as FWB's. I take the friend part seriously though. We go out to dinner, to movies and we hang out. Most of the time that also involves sex. I mostly do my stuff one on one, but with the new situation the two guys Im seeing are interested in each other, so we all go out together. They can do what ever they like when we don't have plans and see whom ever they like.
     
  15. Kubla Kahn

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    For me it's less about the "she's mine no one else can have her!" and more the crippling self esteem issue. Don't need to have the constant thought of her finding out the other people Im letting her fuck are cooler than me. I'd be down for a FFM in a non committed relationship I'd probably take it off the table of something serious going back to the whole cheating thing. If I ended up digging the girl she let me fuck more than her, through no real fault of hers. I wouldn't want to subject her to the wild pangs of jealousy and ego crushing I'd feel if the situation was reversed.
     
  16. xrayvision

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    I've been thinking about this thread a lot. And I don't think I would be able to have a polyamorous relationship or one where you are allowed outside sexual partners. But I've been having trouble putting my finger on exactly why I feel that way. I want to refuse to accept that I am too insecure to know that the person I am with will remain satisfied with me and still enjoy sex together. But I can't. That is exactly my reason. Maybe I am just a product of my past relationships but I feel people are fickle when it comes to the people they are with. And that would then raise doubt about the current "anchor relationship". And if multiple outside sexual partners are allowed, I feel like you are giving something to someone that should be reserved for your significant other. And I would be afraid that my girlfriend/wife would start to like the person on the side better than me and start to see that person more.

    The grass would start to seem greener elsewhere and the relationship would be lacking something.

    I am not insecure about a lot of things. But this seems to be one of them.

    Prearrangements are a different story. If it starts out as a non-monogamous situation, than thats cool. Whatever situation it is. Let your freak flag fly. But if my SO were to raise the idea of fucking other people, I would automatically assume that she has met someone she wants to do this with or that the prospect of sex has been shown to her and she wants it. Either way, bad news. And its a no go.
     
  17. mya

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    Whenever threads like this start I start to think that I'm think that I'm the misfit for not installing a sex swing on my front porch and inviting all the neighbors over for a bit of innocent fun. Glad to see I'm not the only "prude" here.


    Edit- this isn't directed at anybody in particular. Just those of us who admit that we aren't down for "poly play" (that's for Kubla). Maybe we are more traditionalists than prudes. I'm ok with that.
     
  18. Parker

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    Well you should still install the sex swing on the front porch. Just for funsies.
     
  19. crazy asian

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    Something I want to make a note of: sexuality is an unpredictable force. I don't take any offense or think there's anything wrong with vanilla sex or monogamy. I mentioned before that when I was younger I didn't have strong opinions on polyamory because I enjoyed experimenting a lot. And that was great for me, it shaped my sexuality and helped me figure out who I was, and currently I'm a young woman who likes a little kink but also wants monogamy. I know that about myself, and I'm glad I do. However, this can change. Sexuality isn't something you can define clearly for an individual and have that definition stand true for the duration of your sex life. Some people never change sexual/romantic preferences, and some do. That's ok. All of it's ok.

    Also, I didn't come up with the term "poly". I don't apologize for using it, it is an apt description for a very large sexual community. Just because you don't like the name doesn't mean people are going to stop using it. It is literally just semantics.

    Tl;dr - no one should feel ashamed for preferring monogamy or polygamy. Embrace your sexuality, folks.
     
  20. Parker

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    FYI, don't think about that too much. You're talking to a large group of people that are seriously uncomfortable with the word "moist".