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The Inferno

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by audreymonroe, Aug 19, 2014.

  1. audreymonroe

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    The most powerful cervix... in the world...

    Nov 23, 2009
    Brooklyn, NY
    over the past week or so, i've been coming up with the punishments for my own personal 9 circles of hell for funsies:

    9. every day, you have a really, really strong food craving but when you get to the store they only have something that's slightly off from what you want, so you feel like it would be a waste to go away empty-handed but you still don't actually satisfy your food craving and you have to sit there eating your, say, breyer's rocky road rather than haagen dazs chocolate peanut butter.
    8. every night, five minutes after you settle in to go to sleep, when you're really comfy and relaxed and you're definitely down for the count, you hear your cat vomiting somewhere off in the dark and you know - you just know - that it's on the 10% of your floor that's covered in rug rather than the 90% of your floor that's easy-to-clean tile.
    7. every other day, you're anxiously awaiting a text from a boy and you finally get a text but it's from your dad. on the alternating days, you're anxiously awaiting an email about a job, and you finally get an email, but it's from seamless.
    6. a mosquito follows you everywhere you go. it never actually bites you, but you just hear that whine trailing you everywhere, circling you, coming closer and closer to your ear, but you can never see where it is to kill it.
    5. every time you get to the subway station, you see the train waiting there as you're trying to get through the turnstiles, but it pulls out of the station right as you get to the platform.
    4. you constantly have an itch, but you can't find the epicenter of the itch so you just keep kind of scratching around the itch but it's not making it better because that sweet spot is being totally elusive.
    3. you have to sit there and write, but every couple of words you make a typo and you go back to fix that typo but then you make the same exact typo again.
    2. you're perpetually riding on the subway at 3am on a saturday and the person next to you is about to pass out and they keep slowly, slowly, drifting towards you to fall asleep on your shoulder but right at the very last minute they feel themselves falling and they jerk themselves upright again only to start drifting towards you again moments later.
    1. and, finally, my innermost circle of hell is you're constantly feeling like you have to sneeze, and it's not coming, but every now and then you do that half sneeze where you do the big inhalation of breath but the rest of the sneeze never comes and you forever sit there feeling like a fool who won't ever get your sneeze relief.

    i may at some point come up with who goes to each circle, but for now i was just focusing on the punishments because i guess i'm a bit of a sadist.

    focus: what would be your punishments for your 9 circles of hell?
    alt-focus: who would be sent to each of those circles?

    (coming up with all 9 might be a lot, so it's not necessary.)
  2. bewildered

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    Deeply satisfied pooper

    Oct 26, 2009
    circles 1 through 9: also known as white people problems.

    bump it like it's hot.
  3. Juice

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    Moderately Gender Fluid

    Oct 19, 2009
    9. every hour my cat goes into his litter box to pee, but his penis sticks outside and his pee dribbles down the front-side of the box. (oh wait, that happens anyway...)

    8. every time i go to drink a sip of milk, it's orange juice. every time i want a sip of orange juice, it's milk.

    7. whenever i masturbate to porn, the video cuts to the backside of a guys ballsack every time i start to orgasm.

    6. once a day i get kicked in the testicles by a complete stranger wearing steel-toed work boots. i never know when or who, i just know it's going to happen without fail on a daily basis and there's nothing i can do to stop it.

    5. pizza suddenly disappears from the world and existence. no one has ever heard of it, thought of it, and the ingredients don't even exist.

    4. sitting in line at the dmv with a number that's never called. ever.

    3. i have to walk around with a permanent booger sticking out of my nose.

    2. every night ron jeremy ties me to a bed, strips himself down, covers himself in baby oil, and rubs his hairy nude body all over me while i scream for help.

    1. the scenario of the twilight zone episode, "time enough at last."
  4. Not the Bees!

    Not the Bees!
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    Experienced Idiot

    May 7, 2014
    for me, all the circles would be the same. you'd wake up in front of a giant building called the heavenly immigration department and you'd line up in the longest line ever. when you finally got to the front after 6 months of waiting you'd say "i'd like to go to heaven please" and the overweight middle aged woman behind the counter would say "have you filled out files 21a through 987x?" and then dump an enormous pile of paper work on you. so you'd fill all those tedious papers out for the next couple weeks and then line up again for another six months when you'd get to the front and she'd find a spelling mistake and insist you line up at the "paperwork amendments" line on floor 400. where after another 6 months of lining up another middle aged overweight attendant would find another mistake and require more paperwork from a different floor. it would just go on like this forever and ever.

    what would make it hell is that you'd never know you were in hell. you'd always think you were just one line away from getting into heaven. you'd hear stories about a friend's friend who actually just got accepted and say to yourself "it can probably take thousands of years, but this time i've checked every document 10 times so i'm all good."